A WW?

[RSG]

Glad you had a positive experience.
Having different ideas about what to do with kiddos is fun. It's all about the experience. Especially going through something crummy like this, it's great for them and therapeutic for you.

I hate that we have a schedule for where S is, and he goes back and forth. He, more than the average child, needs stability. But you just have to make the best of it, and make them as comfortable as possible. THEY did not do anything wrong. Just take it day by day. Hard process to work through, but you'll get there. I tortured myself about stuff in the beginning, but I'm at a place where it's day to day and that's really helped me overall.

Keep working, you can do it!!!

[lt0402]

Thanks RSG. W feels like she's the one in charge of planning everything so I'm starting to be a bit more aggressive in planning Ds and my time together. Taking her fishing tomorrow evening which will be a great escape from all this. W is not taking it well that I've started pushing back though.

You're 100% right about making them comfortable. My D is sharp enough to know that somethings not right, but she hasn't asked about any of this. I'm trying to be as caring and supportive of her as possible right now to help cushion the blow of us telling her in a few weeks. I find myself happy with the bond we are building right now. It makes me very glad to hear that you're at a decent place right now RSG! It's been tough what you've gone through as well and it gives me hope that there's good things ahead, regardless of the outcome. Keep plugging away for you and your son brother!

Today was another "family" day around here. Got up early, had some coffee, and did my laundry. Breakfast came around, W was upstairs still, so i asked D if she wanted waffles. D said sure and so I started making them for her (eggo toaster waffles...even I can do that). W came down all out of sorts that she was going to make pancakes and that's what D wanted anyways. I asked D again what she wanted and she said waffles.

That got W even more irked and I got another "we've been doing this without your help for 9 years and you can't just come in and change things" lecture. She even went so far as to say that she's sure there are other reasons I'm doing this too. I guess she's insinuating I'm being purposely spiteful or hurtful to her by trying to make breakfast for D? Fun.... Also she said there's a reason that she does the food order a very specific way.

So, I step back and respond that if we really are moving to S and then D that I need to be able to do this type of stuff. Also mentioned that with me getting more involved, she needs to give up some control. I told her if she wanted to sit down at lunch and step me through the specific way she does the food that would be great. She responds that it's not something she can teach me, it's something I've got to learn for myself. Then continues to say that another married couple we are friends with, the H is just as plugged into this stuff as the W and knows exactly what to do. That's one of her go tos when we talk about my failings at the routine. I try to validate, but I think it came off as not authentic. Need to work on those skills bc it is authentic and I need to be better at it.

After breakfast and lunch I kick out some chores and then Help W and D clean out the pantry and game room of some old stuff. Then it's off to dinner at a restaurant with the 3 of us, our normal family routine on Saturday evenings. W won't look me in the eyes again, convo flows through D, and it's a downer of a time bc of it. Takes a bit to get the check, but it comes and W and D get up while I put the tip in. Figure they're waiting outside the front door, but when I get there they are already almost to the car (about 100ft away). That really lit me up and felt horribly disrespectful. Got to the car and pointed out what they'd done was just plain mean and you wouldn't even do that to a friend, much less me. Unsure how it came off, and maybe I overreacted, but the situation seemed very wrong.

Came home and watched temple of doom for movie night. W hung out on her phone the whole time on Facebook chatting away. Didn't pay attention to her, but it was a great time for D and I to snuggle and watch the movie/watch minecraft videos on YouTube. That time I definitely enjoyed.

Still can't get used to this weird family time stuff. W still Wearing her resentment on her sleeve. Guess this is the way of life right now, but trying not to let it drag me down.

Went to dinner last night with a work friend from out of town. We had a great time and kicked back some wine and good food. Conversation came around to W and D towards the end and my situation slipped out (about the S, not all the other messed up stuff going on). Hadn't meant for it to, but my friend was very supportive. It felt good to tell someone else, bc up until now it's just been my IC, my boss (bc we are good friends and I need him to know so he can give feedback if my work is impacted), and y'all. Once we tell my D then I'll share the S with family and select friends. It's just not fair that D doesn't hear it before the world does, though W doing her thing on Facebook shows we are not in agreement there. Have I mentioned I hate Facebook now?

Got home from dinner around 11:30. Had called D and told her goodnight earlier, but hadn't told them when I'd specifically be home. W was watching tv with a glass of wine (she only drinks on sat evenings bc of her exercise routine, which she skipped today as well) which was strange for a Friday evening. Told her hello and goodnight but got back the same silence I'm getting used to.

All in, a decent GAL night as I thoroughly enjoyed it. Some awkward family time, but some quality time with D today. And some quality time with D planned tomorrow, though the 3 of us go to see ghostbusters at 2 tomorrow for potential awkward family time. I really need to figure out how to make these times more exciting/fun for the D. D just reacts differently to me with W around.

Let's get up and do it all again tomorrow. Need to practice validating and per RSGs comments above focus on the day to day. Thanks all as always!

[lt0402]

Ok. Worked on validating first thing this morning while waiting for D to wake up. One weird thing last night thoug, I woke up at 4am for a few minutes and saw that W was still up and watching tv downstairs. She's usually in bed by 1am so was surprised. Didn't ask and went back to sleep. D and W both got up at 9am.

Breakfast with D at house followed by Ghostbusters with D and W at 1245. W made an annoyed comment about how loud I was laughing at movie which I waited and addressed at home. Did water balloons and sprinkler with D in the backyard until dinner. W wanted to be involved but she sat on the patio and had her nose in her phone for most of it. She used to be hands off on the phone/Facebook 6 months ago, but you can't pry it away from her now. Hearing from D that after camp they spend a lot of time on the couch with iPad/iPhone.

I brought up that we have all been too glued to the couch recently and we should make a better effort to get out. Very defensive response from W just after she'd beat up on a satay at home dad we know for doing the same with his kids. I'm thinking I need to force the issue by getting D and me time out of house and if W wants to come then she can.

D still sleeping in mbr with W. every night since I moved out and into the guest room on July 4. Starting to think that's an issue too.

Only strange thing today, besides the still awkward "family time", was that my W suspiciously asked me if I'd said anything to D about our situation yesterday when the two of us were alone. I told her no, because I haven't, and W said D woke up crying around 530am and said she couldn't sleep. W seemed to half believe me. I wanted to tell her that we should get prepped for worse as we are going to tell her after our beach trip Aug 6, but didnt touch that. I'm not sure how my W thinks this won't affect D. IC says it's the worst time in a child's life to do this. Add it to Ws other unrealistic views of our fantasy future situation.

Big week this week. Tennis lesson on tues for first time. Taking my work folks out for bowling and beer on Thursday. Hoping to get something on the calendar with my best friend for Saturday evening. Keep chugging on the GAL activities. Working through a muscle pull in my calf but I may try to find a running group shortly too.

I'm finding myself getting more used to the idea of life without W. D and I are getting along great but W seems to be stuck in her ways. Wondering if it's not for the best, but still holding out hope W sees that she and I can work to fix us for the sake of our D. Feeling better about myself than I have in some time. But still get pulled into the abyss every once I awhile. One day at a time.

[lt0402]

Another day today. Started to have a swing to negative emotions this am, but was able to get past it pretty quick. Weekdays seem to be easier than weekends, probably bc W and I are around each other so much more on weekends.

Tennis moved to tonight, so looking forward to that. Hoping to get a few lessons then take D out to practice. IC tomorrow morning, though I find myself having less of an urgency with the topics for discussion in there. The first few weeks it seemed like I had to get in there ASAP to discuss things. This week it seems like I'm not quite as on edge going in. Guessing that's a good thing.

IC says W has a decent amount of ambivalence right now, but it really seems like she doesn't care. I know it's all part of the believe none of what she says, and 50% of what she does, but it's sure getting old. I do feel like I'm moving away from doing things to sway her thoughts and onto making myself/D better. I'm going to find something for Sat or Sun to put on the calendar to get D and I out of the house for at least a few hours together.

Hit the gym and did the bike for cardio today. Worked well w/ the tweak in my calf. Can't swim for a couple weeks bc of the tattoos, but looking forward to doing that again right before we go to the beach on Aug 6. I'd really like to be in a better place R-wise w/ W by then, but coming to the realization that probably won't be the case. I hate that what could potentially be our last beach trip as a family will be a strained one.

We'll see. Keeping my head down, going one day at a time, and trying to be as good to my D as I can be.

[RSG]

Trust me, their act gets old really quickly! And judging by what you say about her, it stinks but your W probably doesn't care about a darn thing but herself right now. She's not the person you know.

Good job on getting out with your D, that's going to be a great place for you 2. I'm sure she, unfortunately, recognizes her Mom is being weird. My S has shown me so much love lately, W is starting to get jealous! The fact that she was standing with him at the park, and when he saw me he stopped what he was doing, yelled DADDY and gave me a hug told me I'm doing a great job. He's never done that.

I get the feeling your progress my be slow until your separation is physical. My W was the one who instigated that, but after the first few awful weeks I've picked things up and am making steady progress. They're not going to miss you until you're no longer the support structure they need. Of course, until the fog starts to clear I guess it doesn't really matter what you do.....they're just going to be nonsensical and selfish.

You just keep doing you and take each day.

[lt0402]

Thanks RSG, you have no clue how helpful your support has been! W thinks physical separation happens in the spring when we put the house on the market. I'm wondering if it's her stalling for time to put off finding a job. Not that I think she's doing it spitefully, I think she wants to be there for D in case D has issues after we tell her. I go back and forth on if this is best. D is still in mbr with W for second week in a row. Worried about attachment issues down the road.

But your situation with your son is my goal for D and me. Im trying everything I can to be a strong parent during this thing just for her. I know I've still got a lot of work to do, but our R seems to be getting better every day. W has taken a backburner to making D happy, though W still tells me D doesn't trust me. I feel like that's changing though.

That said, D got upset with me today though bc I didn't tell her I was starting tennis lessons with her coach. My goal was to surprise her after the first couple lessons by taking her to the park to hit the ball around. She thought I wasn't sharing something important with her and I completely get it now.

D and W are very similar on those types of things and much different from me. Lesson learned and I apologized to D and told her I understood why she was upset I didn't share. Also, shared with her the tattoos I'd gotten, which I'd been waiting to do until they healed. She loved that and I'm glad I did. I need to remember to be more open on everything with D.

W got upset bc I wasn't detailed enough in response to one of her questions on Ds meds. Long story short, I gave her the right answer, but she thinks I was supposed to ask her a question before answering it. I was just in disbelief and told her I've got this. Probably not the right response but it's like she's purposefully trying to start conflict with me, especially on the meds and food situation. Unsure of her game there, but trying to stand up for myself and not get sucked in. Seems like a horrible thing to stir conflict around.

Tennis lesson was good though. Also found out there's a group of beginning guys who play Monday bt 7-830 and kick back for a beer after. Going to try that after a few lessons for a GAL activity. Building up an interest in something my D loves and getting a new GAL activity at the same time sounds good.

Off to bed. New day tomorrow. Focusing on D and me!

[lt0402]

IC this morning. I'm finding I'm not as on edge anymore before going to these weekly appointments. Seems like I'm pivoting somewhat from the emotional aspects of this situation to more of the practical ones. The emotional swings don't seem to be as extreme and I find myself more hacked off at the ludicrousness of the situation.

Ran IC through the past week and he and I discussed my concerns around how my D was doing. Ran him through the difficulty sleeping, the fact D was in mbr still, etc and he said I should keep an eye on it.

Discussed W and he gave me some good insight on OCD and anxiousness. He said the controlling behavior could be coping to alleviate the anxiousness. Also, we discussed how the W appears to be attempting to undercut me in front of D and how that can heavily damage mine and Ds R in the short term. He feels W is purposely trying to push me away and keep me at arms length. IC highlighted it doesn't bode well for fixing anything as there's no real opening for it.

IC also brought back up that I should probably be leaning towards consulting a L to know my options. His recommendation was do the consultation then find a collaborative attorney who both W and I could work w/ to remove any acrimony and pare down the costs that working w/ 2x Ls creates. Going to get the research done this week and schedule for next week.

Other than that, hit the gym this am for 40 minutes on the bike. Heading back out that way after work as well. Then taking D to park because she wants to meet a friend and do Pokémon Go there. Should be a good time.

Still grinding. Interested to see where all this leads.

[lt0402]

One other interesting thing I forgot to add from IC was that W seems to have a lot of ambivalence. Says right now I'm only seeing one side of it as she tries to push me away, but her appearance of struggling, combined with some comments over the past few weeks, show that there's another side I'm not seeing.

IC thinks she's violated her value system and is having trouble handling it. The weird hours she's staying up, the multiple evenings of drinking wine (vs. only on Saturday's in the past), and a few other things highlight it.

Right now, I'm dealing w/ the side I do see though and not expecting the other side to make an appearance. W seems to want to force distance between us and without an opening IC suggests she won't be responsive to anything.

It almost sounds like I'm along for the ride. Will continue to practice DB techniques, but am starting to realize that at some point I may need to pull the ripcord. We'll see.

[lt0402]

Took D to park for 1.5 hrs after dinner to hunt Pokemon. Was fun learning to do it together! W gave D a bath and the D and I hung out until bedtime and watched some YouTube videos while W showered.

Outside of that, quiet end to the day. D was extremely talkative during our park time and seemed to be in good spirits. Found out that D told W that she wanted to sleep in her own bed tonight. Guessing W and D time in mbr is done. Think that's better for D. D sleeping in her bed now. One less thing to worry about.

Been fighting with our home warranty company to get our AC fixed for the past 3 weeks. Been brutal, but I finally got it scheduled today to be replaced next thurs. felt good to get that done. Told W and not even a thank you on text. Can't control her actions but can definitely get upset at the coldness. Will live to fight another day. Research tomorrow on Ls, need to contact the banks we use to get our account alerts setup to monitor large withdrawals, and still balancing that thing called a career. Work has definitely taken a back seat to this. Need to leak a little more focus back that way.

Hoping for a good day tomorrow!

[lt0402]

Taking D out again tonight to hunt down Pokémon in the park. Was a blast last night and am looking forward to the D and me time again today.

No update other than that. W offered me some of the potatoes she made for D and her last night when I came home at the tail end of dinner. Small gesture, but nothing monumental. W and I going back and forth on tasks that need to get done around the house in the next month and W pushing back asking for the one we are doing together (mulch) to be pushed from the next couple weeks to end of Sept. Unsure why we'd need mulch in the fall/winter, but not choosing to spend energy there.

Ws reaction to me pushing on stuff like that is "just leave it alone and i'll take care of it myself" instead of constructively discussing a solution. It's almost as if she shuts down anytime you disagree with her. One of the larger issues we've had communications wise in our marriage and I've found it very frustrating. I think I'm realizing just now that I need to try a different approach, will work on figuring out what that is.

Will get through the rest of the work day, go to the gym, then head home to hunt those sneaky pokemon down. Just wish that W and I could get some actual conversation going that wasn't centered around coldness. We'll see.