Tofbrks what is the current situation with your WW? Is she still in MBR or home? Does she work? Have you secured your finances?
It may help you to get some advice before you call her out. My WW's turnaround happened upon A being outed, I immediately kicked her out of MBR and shortly after gave an ultimatum, her last contact with OM was the day after I found texts and immediately confronted her.
We haven't slept in same bed in 7 yrs... D8 is a co- sleeper.. Dont ask long story... And I never slept that well with or her with me .. Restless and different sleep habits Think I covered most of my bases , L said txt's would wipe out support for her. She has already stated she wants out and given me separation agreement.. One that had many holes. My L has it working on it. So she is serious and wants out with that agreement giving the ok to act like a wh@re...so who am I to stand in the way...
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
Well, if your L said its ok to let her know you have evidence of the A and that's what you want to do, then do it.
I would stay calm, no need to be mean, but I would be firm. I would tell her that the marital bedroom is for those in the M, you will be moving into it and she lost the right to sleep in it when she started seeing someone else.
Did your L say agreeing to a dating clause would effect your having to pay support at all, or does it matter since your agreeing to it after she started seeing someone?
I am really sorry to hear what you are dealing with, it is the worst thing a S can do. Be strong for you and your D.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Well I dropped my own bomb on her yesterday. At first she tried to simply explain it away as a simple misunderstanding or the it was harmless. The txt's I have are a conversation between best friend of om and my W. They discuss how if I F with om this guy would kill me , myW responds om would or she would. Then friend says the body would be easily desposed of. W says is it bad she wouldn't care. Then they go on to talk about how happy om is with her and how happy she is with him. Now I know people say or txt stuff with " killing" people jokingly often... To me it's the underlying hate and the fact that this A has been going on for sometime. The other txt I have is sil and W. Sil is aware of relationship .. To what degree I don't know. Sil a tells W not to date so soon ... Not to go to lake where om is .... Eluding to the fact that the realitonship is crossing from ea to pa.
I also told W I have seen lawyer and that she has her agreement and is tweeking it. I also told her the nesting thing to leave kids in house would not work. I cannot have her in my house with my D's knowing she is with om. It to me would still be like I condone or accept her behaviors. She keeps spouting off about just do it for girls.. It's what's best for them...well if I can't deal with it or it causes conflict within me , I feel as though that would be felt by D's.
Several I'm sorry's and never meant to hurt you and she never would harm me or wish harm on me. The discussion continued late last night with me clarifying my position of proceeding with Divorce. The main point she was trying to convey .. " you know I haven't crossed they line" about bein in pa. She kept at this for several comments ... Saying you know I would never do that or you know I'm not in a full fledged affair...this is the same woman who was scared to death I was going to hire a pi. To me if this relationship is what she says it is a friendship then why defend it so strongly? The txt's don't lie and paint a more complicated picture. On top of our struggles the fact that my D found these on her Mac was not a big concern for her . She said if we don't make it a big deal then she won't. Well she sees the same txt I did. She can see the lying and the threats.. But that's not important? W has been really hard on D lately about lying and some behavior that doesn't really match with what we'd want to see... Then she sees W doing the similar things... Talk about being confused.
Well that's all I've got and waiting for this new day of drama and what it brings...
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
Well my exposing the txt's I found had fizzled and had not had the impact that I wanted them too. I did not expect them to 180 my sitch not at all. I very disappointed in mil that she is ok with her granddaughter finding these and with what they said in them. Where is the concern ? The outrage? Seems like I'm the only one who is concerned with the kids wellbeing...I spoke with D 13 at great lengths following this. She is very upset that her mom is in a relationship with a dad of a recent lt bf. ... How will her peers view make fun tease her about this? And on top of that peers also say OM is a drunk and gets drunk... Which he is.
I know I can't control who W goes onto after D or while Sep... But geez this looser? And she says she puts kids first? Really? What about D 13 ? And by the way W selected om boy for her to date and helicoptered over the R like it was her own...
I have been contacted by om future x and she is not happy... Said she had suspicions but no proof.. She is at beach now but wishes to talk in person when she gets back. Perhaps be able to put a few more pieces together .
Currently wife is acting like nothing is wrong... This kinda limbo ..the one a few weeks ago could not take any longer and had to get away...had to sign separation
Don't know exactly what is going on there... But I did tell her I can't legally make her leave the house.. Which I can't.. So here we sit in this limbo... Getting all financial stuff to L to proceed with D ... Guess she waiting for me to do everything..
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
Right there w/ you on the limbo feeling tofbrks. Going through similar right now w/ W and I both in the same house. One thing I've found that helps is to get your focus off the OM. Easier said than done, but for me that's helped take out some of the day to day swings.
It is a shame that your W can't see how she's hurting your D. Be the best dad you can to your D right now. Stick to your plan and keep moving forward brother. Here to support you!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
I know I can't control who W goes onto after D or while Sep... But geez this looser?
I think the WW usually affairs "down".
Quote:
Don't know exactly what is going on there... But I did tell her I can't legally make her leave the house.. Which I can't.. So here we sit in this limbo..
You've already showed her your hand. I'm not suggesting you break any laws, but I do think you need to drink a STFU shake.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are totally right Sandi, and some small part of me still wishes to R but knows it can't happen right now or anytime in the near future. My sister took the txt's that my daughter found and posted them to my mil fb page. They were up for about 15min before my wife was alerted an they took them off. I was not really planning on telling mil FIL , at least not now or in that way. My sis also posted to her fb at friended the om wife. She saw and cntacted me. The om and wife had already sep and had signed. The more we compared dates and times the more upset she became. This was in the works far before she had imagined. I let with her on Tuesday and we discussed things for 3hrs ... At om/wife house .. Which was weird in itself
After speaking with her some conclusions My W used my D13 and her relationship with om son to have access to om -unknowingly She maintained this relationship with control thru my D13 - instructing her Om / wife and I at some point where concerned about the level of this relationship W always had contact with om son through snapchat txt and phone When daughter decided to break it off of her own choice W got very upset W engineered plan to get D13 and om son back together - succeeded This allowed W access to om - under the relationship umbrella Om /wife marriage at this point was shaky and don't know if it was actually talked about Om and my W say they started "talking" in early March
Into current day when new info came out. I knew my W and om were friends in hs come to find out my W had sex with this looser in hs. She left this part out when suggesting that our D13 go out with his son. Knowing we would have to interact with them. Something I would have said no to if I had known.
Other comments have surfaced from the meeting of m wife and I. Seems my W was jealous of om/w lifestyle and she told his w so.
So just my conclusions here ... Don't know if it started out with this intent but it is highly likely. She used the son to gain access to om. Redevelop friendship Once she saw weakness in their marriage she capitalized on it.. Not sure if he may have disclosed this fact way before om wife disclosed to my W as they were also friends. The BD for me and sep date for them align...collusion She saw a way out of our marriage on to someone who could give her all the material things she ever wanted. No more struggling and being broke. She already had control over om and they were planning on all living together in om house. During this time my W as given me a canned sep agreement but asking for no support. This was strange because she offered to share some bills while we shared house to keep kids in one place. Claiming to use this year of sep to get $ straight so she could live on her own. She could barely pay before , now taking on more ... Where is the "in order " coming from? Well she didn't need to worry about $ ... She was moving on to om with $
The om wife , after reading those txt , rescinded her offer to leave om their house. And added her children where to go no where near my W. She is now asking for support were before she had not.
So it's a royal f'n mess .. Finding out my wife manipulated so many people - even her own D13 to get to this point... is very dishsrtening ... All for objects
My wife has since moved out and my lawyer has her agreement is changing several things to make it work. We share kids week / week.
So I think my wife had engineered this plan and was hoping to just transition into this new life and make it all look like if naturally occurred. Well I threw a monkey wrench into that whole sitch. Om friends even say she's in it for the $ . The guy doesn't believe in God hates church and thinks my bil is an a$$hole , drinks heavily , over weight , my mil hates him ... But they are in luv.. And they make each other happy...wtf
Would like to see this crash and burn for obvious reasons ... What do you guys think? I don't see how I could ever go back myself knowing what I know now.
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
That is a lot for the family to deal with, and I am sorry for how it has splintered and touched so many. I think your WW will have to see this OM for what he is, .........and if he has enough money, she may stay in that lifestyle. It could have been more of the lifestyle OM provided, instead of her feelings for him.
Anyway, your W will probably have to crash and burn, before she will let go of her insane fantasy and take a long look at what she has done to her family. How long this may take.....nobody knows.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
