Set your relationship priorities. What is your main goal? Does this new information change your main goal? If so, then what is the new goal?
What do you want to accomplish by exposing this evidence to your in-laws? Most LBH'S think their in-laws will influence the WW to end her affair. What if she ends the A, but still refuses to work on the M? What if exposure doesn't "work", or she finds a new OM? What are your plans after exposure?
It seems more mistakes are made when a desperate spouse is grasping at straws, trying this & that......but has no plan. You need to know what you want to accomplish by doing any type of action.
Whatever you decide, I think it's high time she (and your children) sees your b@lls firmly attached.......which, IMO, means you would start taking charge, instead of hoping someone else can do something effectively, while you sit and wait. Your D14 certainly needs a stable parent in charge at this time in her life.
Is this latest information a deal breaker for you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Set your relationship priorities. What is your main goal? Does this new information change your main goal? If so, then what is the new goal?
What do you want to accomplish by exposing this evidence to your in-laws? Most LBH'S think their in-laws will influence the WW to end her affair. What if she ends the A, but still refuses to work on the M? What if exposure doesn't "work", or she finds a new OM? What are your plans after exposure?
It seems more mistakes are made when a desperate spouse is grasping at straws, trying this & that......but has no plan. You need to know what you want to accomplish by doing any type of action.
Whatever you decide, I think it's high time she (and your children) sees your b@lls firmly attached.......which, IMO, means you would start taking charge, instead of hoping someone else can do something effectively, while you sit and wait. Your D14 certainly needs a stable parent in charge at this time in her life.
Is this latest information a deal breaker for you?
Sandi2 yes this info is a deal breaker for me . The disclosure is for me , to show people around my wife the true "her". For all those around me that thought I was insane for ever being so suspicious. Right now I'm still gathering , cause in past I've been too quick to act s this time I'm waiting Learning and evaluating. I still wish to have more to bolster my case for when it gets nasty.
Not really looking for inlaws to pressure her , just want them to know that the custom made story she's fed them is not reality. Same goes for several other friends that get differing stories suited to keep her reputation squeaky.
Is it selfish of me to want carnage? I know it would be difficult to contain with just her and that's what I'm debating.
Don't want her back cause I don't know who this woman is...
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Okay. No, I don't see it as an act of selfishness. I do suggest you contact your lawyer, ASAP, and see if this information could impact the court's decision in alimony, child custody, etc. And, your lawyer can advise about keeping this information under wraps or not. However, with D14 knowing, I doubt that's going to happen.
The lawyer can direct you, legally. Ethically, I believe you have to make the decision.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Okay. No, I don't see it as an act of selfishness. I do suggest you contact your lawyer, ASAP, and see if this information could impact the court's decision in alimony, child custody, etc. And, your lawyer can advise about keeping this information under wraps or not. However, with D14 knowing, I doubt that's going to happen.
The lawyer can direct you, legally. Ethically, I believe you have to make the decision.
Sandi2 I just hate she had to find it. Not that I would shield my W actions , I would have preferred that had kids stay innocent of all this mess. But she discovered on her own , without instruction from me. I am going to schedule a meeting with lawyer assp , may have to wait. I do not look forward to W coming home as the full court press for separating will continue. But with my new held info my decision is made easier. All I have to do is remember the words in those txt to strengthen me. Fog or no fog I'm done.
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
Truly, I wouldn't bother contacting the in-laws. I know it might feel tempting, but with time the truth will seep out anyway and you won't be the 'bad guy' for letting others know what was happening.
My XH didn't tell his parents for ages and they were pretty cold with me. In the end I told him - Please can you tell your parents what has happened here. I don't expect do feel censure from them in this situation. And he did then tell them.
You could always take that kind of approach. Just be sure when acting that you are doing things from your 'higher self' and taking a long term view. If we act in haste and in hurt we can come to regret things in the longer term.
I'm glad to see Sandi posting on your thread - she is a wise woman indeed.
Take care my friend
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Truly, I wouldn't bother contacting the in-laws. I know it might feel tempting, but with time the truth will seep out anyway and you won't be the 'bad guy' for letting others know what was happening.
My XH didn't tell his parents for ages and they were pretty cold with me. In the end I told him - Please can you tell your parents what has happened here. I don't expect do feel censure from them in this situation. And he did then tell them.
You could always take that kind of approach. Just be sure when acting that you are doing things from your 'higher self' and taking a long term view. If we act in haste and in hurt we can come to regret things in the longer term.
I'm glad to see Sandi posting on your thread - she is a wise woman indeed.
Take care my friend
Thanks sotto... Those are the choices I'm weighing right now... perhaps to hasten the decent and turnaround not to R but to heal and able to trust again -as a co- parent not a wife. But I'm afraid the bad choices and spiral downward is accelerating and nothing I can do about it. Nobody see this but me.... For now...
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
I think it is important to let go of your need to control things - to hasten the descent and turnaround - as you say. The important thing is that's her journey not yours.
From your own point of view I would focus on critical areas like - what do I need to do to look after myself emotionally in this situation. How will I ensure the financial security of my family and myself. How will I look after the family in these situation.
These are the areas to focus on I think as through her actions she has become the enemy of your security and wellbeing and that of your family too. As for who knows and what they think, I would step back and leave that to unfold. If anyone from her family asks you, you can let them know they would need to ask her that.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I think it is important to let go of your need to control things - to hasten the descent and turnaround - as you say. The important thing is that's her journey not yours.
From your own point of view I would focus on critical areas like - what do I need to do to look after myself emotionally in this situation. How will I ensure the financial security of my family and myself. How will I look after the family in these situation.
These are the areas to focus on I think as through her actions she has become the enemy of your security and wellbeing and that of your family too. As for who knows and what they think, I would step back and leave that to unfold. If anyone from her family asks you, you can let them know they would need to ask her that.
But sotto I want carnage !!!
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
