I'm sorry too that you have to face some human being flaws.
Holding so much frustration because the reaction of some friends is not good only for you.
If you think about cleaning your closet, there will always be some pieces that are not so attractive anymore. Some you never really liked and were there just because.
You can and the opportunity is being given to you, to do that cleaning, and keep the pieces that really matter to you.
If one or two of those friendship is really what you want in your life, then why not talk to those friends and honestly ask if they are feeling uncomfortable with the situation. If they are truly friends, then the ice will be broken and everyone will move on from the rest zone.
But, if you look deep inside yourself and find you don't really need them, the best is to let go and mske piece with yourself.
Remember that number is not quality. You may have one good friend that will enrich your life with happiness then 10 friends that you need to be fake.
Just my 2cents sweetie. But the way I read it, it seems this situation is giving you extra pain that you do not need at the moment. The more you run after, the more they will run away. Give some time for them too.
Hope you are feeling better today! Pink
Amazing reply Pink, I totally agree with you. And I will try to implement your approach to my friendships
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. I know holding on to that pain and feeling of betrayal from "friends" is not beneficial. I'm trying to let it go and focus on the people who have really shown themselves to be true friends. And there have been some amazing efforts during this move to show me what friends can be like. From those who helped me to move, to the lady who helped with my garage sale and packed up my daughter's room, to my friend who helped me hang pictures because her wrist was broken and still wanted to help, to the friend who had me over to dinner multiple times because she knew I was too tired to cook. Those are my friends. I owe them so much for getting me through this.
I have now lived in my apartment for almost a week. I'm enjoying the area and actually taking my "farm dog" for walks 3 times a day is great for both of us. I still live in a beautiful area, very close to a state park (just a walk away). The apartment looks great...very modern, big windows, a view. And I'm next to a library!
H and I have been moving things out of the house into storage...just the two of us. We exhausted ourselves last weekend for three days, but laughed, joked, shared memories, shared meals...like nothing was wrong. Then he broke.
He pulled his sleeping bag out and started crying. I asked what set him off. He told me briefly how it was special. I touched his arm and told him it was ok to cry...it was a very special thing to him. I continued working. Then he started crying again, harder. I again asked what was setting him off. He went into greater detail, after about three tries. How it was a very expensive gift for a very special reason. That he had held on to it even though it was ripped and rotting. He kept saying it was just stupid..why did he hold on to such a useless thing? He dropped to his knees and sobbed uncontrollably and I held him as he kept telling me he was not worthy. That I had had to go through all of the stuff and deal with the memories and emotions, too, but that I had to do it all alone and he felt so horrible. He started to push me away, then pulled me back in...tight. So I just held him for awhile while he cried. He had a few other emotional moments, but not like that.
You have to understand, H is usually very in controll of his emotions. I've seen him lose control in anger in the past, but not sadness. I see more and more the battle he's waging in his own head. I don't fully know what it is, but I sure do see it happening.
Side note, my L showed me that H's L had finally responded to her request for mediation 2 dates. I then told H while moving that the times his L had said worked for H didn't work for me, but H had no idea what I was talking about. He still hadn't spoken to his L.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Hi Cil, your new place sounds lovely and I'm glad to read you are settling in and liking it there....next to a library.....my dream location!!
It's good that you and your H have been able to do so much of the moving together. That's something me and XH haven't done. It sounds as though your H is struggling though and I think you did well just to be there for him. Time will tell how things will unfold, but you are sounding good within yourself, which is the main thing.
Keep on being awesome!! Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto, next to the library is a dream for me, as well! I believe today will be the day that we get the very last load of stuff from the house (we've been storing things in the shop) and into the storage facility. I plan on taking a few of my violets and Iris with me, as well. There are quite a few so the new owners won't even notice.
Sotto and Feyth, H does seem to be struggling with his emotions, and I can be there when he needs, but I don't know if that's going to be something he will want to or feel comfortable pursuing when our house moving chores end. I know that he feels guilty and horrible for hurting me and I think he somehow sees himself in a negative light. I can only listen if he chooses to talk. I hope the distancing after this move allows him time to think and maybe even miss me, but who knows.
We had an incident with D24, who likes to put everything on FB. She put something on FB that sounded very selfish about her non-involvement in the move and her feelings about our family. I chose to ignore it as I've learned to do with bad behavior that is attention motivated. Also, she had already called each family member and vented/ argued during her anxiety attack. H is not on FB. But people in his office are and let him know of her posting. Also Bubbles received a screenshot from one of her friends which she showed to H. This prompted H to send a very mean text to D24, which he read to me.
I agreed with his saying it shouldn't be on FB, but that's something she's been told a million times. I pointed out that telling her a million and one times probably wouldn't sink in either. That maybe he should 180 and ignore her, which is what I chose to do.
I then focused on what I told him was very "high school" behavior on the part of his friends. The woman who sent the screen shot to Bubbles is someone who communicates with H often. I wondered why she wouldn't have called H to talk about his daughter or me, as she knows us both well. They are all gossips and I started a whole convo about how they were using this as entertainment disguised as caring and that as much as he was trying to keep our situation quiet, the fact that they gossip about each other incessantly means that they are doing it about us, too. Yes, it angers me and yes, I know part of the anger came from the fact that Bubbles was involved and it affected my child's relationship with her dad. Although he got irritated and defensive at first, he was able to understand enough that we created a protocol.
If people were asking him about me or the girls, he will from now on suggest that they communicate with us (whoever the subject is) by phone, text, or in person...with a friendly "I'm sure they would love to hear from you." He knows I've always hated gossip, so I thought I'd define it for him and did. There really is a big difference in sharing an interesting story or happening with others in a positive and non-judgemental way, or with the idea that you can come up with a way to either celebrate or help the person involved and gossip. Gossip is spreading a story or happening that can possibly hurt someone or their reputation for the value of entertainment and ego for having dished it. It is a vehicle for being judgemental without even a thought of trying to help or hinder. It is a way of seeking attention. The rest of the day was a little tense, even though he agreed with me.
Today however, he seemed to have really thought about why I was angry. He was much more friendly and talkative, and even clarified a few times whether or not something said was gossip ...not sarcastically, but as if he really wanted to know. So we discussed why it wasn't.
You may think I spend too much time on some of these details, but communication is interesting to me. I'm not perfect and both H and I have had communication problems throughout our marriage, even though I thought we were doing fine pre-BD. This learning process is interesting to me as well. I'm seeing the difference in my life (my friends have commented on it a lot) and I'm glad he seems to be listening to me when I try to share what I'm learning.
Just enjoying the twists and turns of this journey we all are walking through. Sometimes its uphill and full of rocks, but sometimes its a pleasant stroll through a soft meadow with an expansive vista.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Ciluzen what an emotional time for you. Your H is lucky to still have your support, but you must make sure you are being supported too.
I know getting over friendships is easier said than done, I'm struggling with similar issues at the moment. I think we'll get there sweetie, I really do.
Take care (((ciluzen)))
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Esame, I'm sorry you have to deal with this too. Rebuilding a support network is no easy task. But its like hitting a detour on your morning commute. You might end up finding the new route more pleasant or even find a cool new restaurant to try.
I have had to make new friends, and I've had to quickly back off from a few people that I have reached out to. I realize that sounds picky, but I need to be in order to feel emotionally safe. Sometimes when you reach out in crisis you pick up a few "drama queens and "looky-loos"...people who are there for you because they want to project their anger they harbor onto someone they don't know (one new friend touched on being irritated with her H most of the time but let loose on my H and wanted me to do mean and vindictive things to him). I don't need that, its not helpful, and really shows that she isn't supporting me as much as using my sitch to feed her own anger.
But I have found supportive friends who are just there for me. We don't dwell on my situation, although they don't mind checking in and listening when I need it, but we have fun together and great talks. I've so missed talking to people on a deeper level. Former social group just wouldn't do it. I missed it. Now I have it again and its very nice.
I also have a buddy from college that I have kept in contact with...she is still like a sister to me. She lives across the country, but we have our hour long phone calls.
Its funny, all of my old social group are about 5 years younger than me or my age. My new friends are not so much a group, just a bunch of individuals I've hit it off with. Most of them have met, as I open up activities to all, and like each other. But their ages range from just a bit older than my daughters to 10 years older than myself (26-61, if you don't want to do the math). There is a whole world of amazing people out there. I never have been able to stick to one group...I've never been good at being in a clique.
So, a quick thought about H. We are done with the house. But its funny, a few days ago he brought up having me over to his apartment to see it. I just let the comment go by and talked of something else. Then yesterday he helped me move some things from storage to my apartment and sat and shared a beer with me. We left to go back to the house and he asked me a question about the tv setup which I couldn't answer. So he said, "I'll look next time I'm over". My plan after this move was no contact. We will see, I guess.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
So, journaling and update. I have gotten a few calls from H this week; checking on whether I dug up certain bulbs I wanted from my garden, when the new owner's were moving in, etc. He caught me the other night while I was out at a comedy club with friends. Hah! He had called to ask if I had any spice rub (I gave him a bunch when he moved out) and I told him no, but reminded him that I had also given him the recipe.
I knew he would have a bunch of people (mostly Bubbles' friends and family) up at the vacation home this week because of the 4th of July long weekend, so I planned a full weekend of GAL activities (hiking today!). He likes to use the spice rub on his "special tri-tip", so I wondered if he was rubbing it in (no pun intended) that I would be missing the tri-tip and the fun weekend at the water. But D25 is going up tonight and assured me he was making it because she requested it. Still, I think its funny that he would ask.
Anyway, I'm just doing my thing right now. Moving out hasn't been easy, but it is easier to call this apartment home. I'm meeting people as they move in and the pool is very nice to have. And no yard work! That was half day every day in the summer at my house.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Anyway, part of my GAL has been transformation. During the most stressful/depressed stages of this whole BD/separation/D filed crisis, my health took a nose dive. I still functioned and was able to work (except for a few days that I called in due to not being able to get out of fetal position), but I had just about every symptom of major stress. I was on the internet every day looking for relief for each symptom.
I couldn't sleep so I took melatonin, Nighty-night tea by Traditional Medicinals or chamomile, warm baths with epsom salts, ginger, and scented oils such as lavender, patchouli, and ylang ylang.
I had "the shakes" and couldn't eat (no appetite, no desire, no interest) so I made myself cook very simple but large amounts of proteins that I could portion out over the week and just add salad and vegetables to. For instance, sauteed chicken breast or a crockpot of black beans. Then a bunch of greens (leafy darker ones) and some other type of steamed or roasted veg. I made sure to have greek yogurt in some form (in cereal milk or smoothy, for instance) every day. It was easy, I told myself I had to do it, and I didn't have to think hard about it except for the day I did the cooking of the protein. I snacked on nuts a lot. I ended up being 45 pounds down from pre-BD weight at my lowest so I needed this plan.
Arthritis attacked all of my old injury sites, especially my back, neck, and hips. So I walked, ran when I could, stretched multiple times a day, and tried to learn about yoga and meditation. I started seeing a chiropractor with an onsite massage therapist when I found out my insurance covered it.
I really made sure I took my multi-vitamin, but started adding magnesium; vitamins D, B complex,and C; and fish oil.
I got through that period and slowly things have gotten better, but with the stress of the big move (into my apartment for me and getting everything garage saled, donated or moved to storage, H's apartment, or to the vacation home (H's other residence- not so much mine at all), I noticed a few big changes in me.
Whereas I had a few greyish areas in my hair hiding in the sun bleached parts (my hair is dark auburn), I had gotten VERY grey. The nutritional damage done in fall and winter caused weakness in my hair...it was thinner and was breaking off at just above my shoulders, but I still had a lot of longer hair to midback, but thin enough to notice. I had bags and dark circles under my eyes.
So its me time. I found a great colorist (never colored my hair before and said I never would) and she did a great job "matching" my original color. She cut my hair shorter and neatened it all up (I have really curly hair). The thinning isn't so noticeable now with the shorter cut (still just slightly above my shoulders) as my hair curls more when shorter. I bought eye cream and today I'm going to get a facial, eyelash and brow tinting (brows were getting grey, too) and waxing. A spa day!
I've also added biotin and DHEA to my supplements for hair, skin, and nails.
And I've already done my first project for school and school starts Tuesday!
So, transformation. Time to feel good about me.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
You sound wonderful and I'm glad the move is behind you and now you can look forward school.
Stress can really put a body through the whammy and I'm glad you are taking care of yourself. You are a work in progress and I sense that it won't be long before you are feeling much better and begin to enjoy life again.
I'm very proud of you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
