My wife walked out 3

[Coconut]

I went back and read your first post... You've come a long way my friend.

Couple of questions: (you wrote)

( I worked on a lot, and she admitted I had done pretty well and have become not just a good but great Dad. However, the underlying problems are still there obviously. )

What has been / needs to be done to work on these issues?

(She didn't really change, which I think is the main issue although I know I have lots of work to do too. She's unhappy, and says she has been for a while.)

Do you think she's worked on this? Do you need her to before you would take her back?

(Our communication has been horrible, we're quick to anger, know how to go for the jugular in arguments, and care too much about winning than solutions.)

Do you think you've improved on this? What about her? Communication is a common problem, can be worked on in MC if you get there, but does something need to be worked on individually?

(She is a constant worrier, and lives in the moment while I'm always thinking about long term.)

Do you see this changing? Does it need to?

(She obviously needs to find herself, and says our son deserves 2 happy parents. I agree with her fully here. She has also said it's too late to work on things, and I refuse to accept that. I think there are a million ways we can improve and work together to keep this family intact, but I know I'm going to have to go through the hell of letting her find herself.)

Nice foreshadowing, you're still going through that hell, your just stronger now.. Do you think she's found herself, do you think she needs to before accepting her back?

(And I followed the author's advice and wrote down a mantra to say each morning for 3 weeks, something along the lines of "I want to have a great marriage and am learning new skills to do so!")

What skills have you learned? What skills do you still plan on learning?


I'm not really asking for answers, just for you to think about these things. I don't want to mind read, but it seems to me your wife may be nearing rock bottom, at which time she may try and get back with you (maybe not though, not trying to get your hopes up). I just want to point out when /if it happens, it can happen quick, and you should figure out before that happens what you would want/need To let her back before the opportunity presents.

Often those piecing say they worry they let WS back to soon/easy, so I would recommend trying to figure out what would be the right time frame for you to not feel that way if it was to happen.

Remember, don't be afraid to resist their approaches, when/if they truly want you back, they aren't just going to give up because you take your time, just like you didn't give up the first time she said no to you.

[RSG]

Thanks Cnut.

Your post was damn near amazing. I'm going to print it out at work, answer the questions and keep it at home for me to reference.

You may have hit something with the "rock bottom" comment. After everything in the last 24 hrs, she missed his bedtime and I text her about it. She told me she's getting therapy starting Tuesday. I'm shocked really.

As I write this, she called. In between mundane stuff about S, she said "we got married because I was pregnant" then she again said "I'm sorry. I know you know I am, but I feel I just need to keep saying it." Followed by she was going to "figure it out" and do the right thing by everybody (me, S, her friends, etc). I said, whatever you think is right and she responded "would you let me move back in." SHOCKED, I took a second and I said we'd have to discuss. She was thrown for a loop because I didn't say YES YES YES then immediately said she shouldn't have asked, but THEN asked if we could all do something tomorrow and said she'd touch base in the AM.

I don't know what to believe. I think she's embarrassed, scared and nervous but I have no idea what her end game is. I think she's scared to lose me. But I can't play too many mind games. I want to hear a request for forgiveness and, for her to move back home NC w/OP is mandatory.

I just have to wait and see what she says tomorrow. Holy cow, what developments in 24 hours....

[Wonka]

Hiya, RSG.

The most recent post caught my eye and I went back to read all of your threads to get caught up on your sitch. You are in a very precarious position right now that has the makings of a potential reconciliation.

I liked how you handled W's inquiry about moving in. Good job. Here is what I suggest as the next step:

Keep your head stewed on really tight and be the cool Clint Eastwood.

In so many words, you can tell W that trust is broken and that you are not comfortable with the notion of her moving back home. Then lay out the conditions as the following: 1) continue with MC 2) absolutely and positively not willing to live in an open marriage for its not what you signed up for 3) for W to stay at her place for the time being 4) you are feeling uncertain and wary given the damage and hurt she's inflicted on you and son with her choices

Then say this is all you are going to say to her at this time because you do not yet fully trust her enough to open up to her. Then sit tight and observe going forward.

The most important thing you can do that will ensure a successful reconciliation is not allowing W to move back home just yet. She needs to get her chit together FIRST before you would ever consider it.

Keep your wits about you and you'll be just fine. You're doing a bang on job with not initiating anything or bombing her with photos and nonsensical stuff. You're on the right track here, buddy.

Keep going. You've got this.

[Wonka]

Sorry for typos as the post was made using an iPhone.

[Coconut]

Just want to point out one thing that Wonka said about continuing MC... I don't believe you are (I'm pretty positive) in MC... I don't think this is the time to start.. She's starting IC, let that go for a little bit, you don't want To start MC before you absolutely know that A is over, it will be a waste of money.

Try not to break down now, right now your stance is that you are happy, your not against reconciling but you don't know right now if she's where she needs to be to even consider doing it.

I can't stress this enough, she's not going to bolt if you take your time, right now just be the light house, let her tell you when she's ready to discuss what has happened, don't ask. Let her tell you she is NC, don't ask. But you can definitely tell her your not willing to be in an open M and no contact is a must. State your boundaries, validate her, but do not ask questions, she still has a ways to go..

[RSG]

Thanks Wonka and Cnut. That info is invaluable, and the encouragement is priceless.

She just rang early this AM to say she's going into school early to set up for next week, and that she's looking at apartments about 10 minutes from us. It's not just speculative or vague, she named a road and when I googled it I was even surprised how close it was. She has to move as the room she's in now won't be available much longer.

First instinct was oh no, but realized....if I wasn't going to let her back home right now anyway, she'd have to get an apt. Lol. I like that it's so close. I'm not 100%, but I think OP lives in the vicinity of where she is now. In addition, the new location will be great for S.

She also noted she hasn't eaten in about 48 hours, and that the thought of food makes her nauseous. I've felt like that before, it was when I was dumped as a teen. I told her she should probably look into drinking something like a smoothie, just to get some energy. She agreed saying it was a pretty good idea.

She said we could all go to the pool today, but then decided she just wanted to hang out. If she's not eating, I hope she doesn't pass out at the Peachtree tomorrow. She hasn't run in ages and will be seriously lacking energy. Oh, and ATL is scorching every July 4th.

I'm really just looking forward to her going to IC. I've thought she's needed to talk to a neutral party for a while now. I think eventually I might be asked to come in, but I've never known her to be in such a state and M or not S needs a Mommy that's in at least decent shape.

Trying to take it slowly, not have any expectations and to be a lighthouse. It's been 6 weeks. If I push anything, she'll run like a frightened deer and for the first time I feel like if she pushed I'd pull back as well. It's weird. Just as I accept she's almost closed the door, she comes back and starts pushing it open again ever so slightly.

[cbtdad]

RSG! Hang in there buddy. The roller coaster ride is about to get bumby:)
I'm speculating, but it is starting to seem like where my W was in the first sitch when she was starting to feel unsure. When the OM was becoming less of a factor and she started noticing more of a change in me. Next thing you know we were doing thing as a "family"
We still loved apart for another few months and it wasn't till OM was completely out of picture that we could start focusing on "us"
There are gonna be moment where it feels like old times and that you should just jump bacon into things. Then there are gonna be times where she is the person that you don't recognize again. It will become more to the extreme each way.
This is when it's really important to continue doing things for you. Things that make you better. Because it's very easy to go back to the old ways. It's important that you work on you everyday like you have been.
Keep it up. You're doing great!!
Running the peachtree on an empty stomach in Hotlanta on the 4th is a very bad idea
We should meet up sometime and let our sons swim together
Have a great 4th!

[RSG]

Prophetic! Silly me put too much stock into things. She called early, delayed. Called around 10, delayed. Text a couple times about his day around 2, then about 5 I just said we were going to the pool. She said she was going to see the Purge then asked what I'm doing tomorrow. My folks and bro are coming over and they'll take S home around 6 or so. She said ok, I'm done for the night communicating I think.

I'm just disappointed I guess, not freaking out or anything. It's a process. I have to remember that, and keep doing me/S. You're right, sticking with GAL seems essential now so I don't appear needy, and most importantly keep the focus on me.

Looking forward to fun tomorrow with my family!! You have a great 4th too!!

[Wonka]

How are you holding up, sweetie?

[RSG]

Oh brother. So, Facetimed about 15 minutes ago. I shouldn't have answered lol. Said she was feeling better, ate a sandwich and went to the gym today. S had no interest in saying much as he was glued into his show. WW looked dolled up. A ring on (a red jade one she got in Korea a few years ago), hair done in her typical going out style, and looked like makeup. I said "are you going out?" and she said "going out to watch Lifetime lol" Followed a few minutes later by "I'm tired" and then asked if we wanted to go to the park tomorrow morning. I was hesitant and she asked "what else are you doing?" I just mentioned it was supposed to rain tomorrow AM, but I think we'll go just to see how everything goes.

She said she sold her Peachtree number, and that she needs to get back to who she used to be. And she kinda smiled at me when she said that, but I was kinda cold/emotionless in return. Because her appearance belied everything she was saying. Probably really didn't need to, but I checked on that movie. Yup, it plays at 8:15 right by her. She called to say goodnight right around the time before she would leave to get there....

I really need to calm down about everything. Her emotions are all over the place, and I'm too affected by it. I'm speculating too much. My folks will be taking S with them tomorrow evening. I need to enjoy tomorrow with my family, maybe rent a movie after they leave, spend the week on me and not worry about what she's doing. I gotta continue to be strong, staying as cerebral as possible. You can trip and fall on any journey, you've just gotta get up and keep moving.