Yeah I really hope for the best for you, some situation like you just described, some people would say that it is far fetched - but I'm not going to tell you that is far fetched. Crazier things have happened - and people do reconcile with their ex every day. You and your W, from what I've read, seem like you may be just the type of people to do something like that!
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
and to add on that a little. she's even talked to me about her IC, and even at times, I was her IC (living room IC), but she knows that she holds on to anger, holds on to grudges, never lets go of the past, never lets things live down, and never forgives... she still has walls built up and grudges held from things that were so long ago, and seem so menial when looking in from the outside.
Not being able to forgive others, or yourself, puts you in a bad position of living your life in captive of past events... never get a solid change to live in the "now"... too much worry all the time, etc.
You just listed a perfect description of my EX-WW!
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
and to add on that a little. she's even talked to me about her IC, and even at times, I was her IC (living room IC), but she knows that she holds on to anger, holds on to grudges, never lets go of the past, never lets things live down, and never forgives... she still has walls built up and grudges held from things that were so long ago, and seem so menial when looking in from the outside.
Not being able to forgive others, or yourself, puts you in a bad position of living your life in captive of past events... never get a solid change to live in the "now"... too much worry all the time, etc.
You just listed a perfect description of my EX-WW!
So my question to you is... Did your Ex always have these personality traits, or was it something that came along later in life/marriage?
If not the latter, then are you suggesting to me that my W was a fully developed WW before she was even finished with her childhood?
...and that's pretty funny, I must say... I bet there are a lot of LBS's who could say the same... but really, did your Ex always have those traits, or something came later?
My EX-WW's mom and dad both had parents who were alcoholics. My ex-MIL has big weight issues, and had gastric bypass when my EX-WW was a kid. Put a lot of it back on. She is/was a do-gooder, but at the same time, really liked to put others down. My EX-WW had a very angry time with her mom, and lots of emotional abuse, dealing with the weight issue. My EX-WW had a molestation in grade school, and was raped in college. She had dozens of boyfriends. It was all a way to medicate and deal with life. She even bragged in college of dumping every boyfriend at the 3 month mark. Infatuation, lots of sex, then dump.
I was the anomaly. I actually cared about her on a deeper level. We had a shared religious belief structure. It lasted 16 years. It was great. She has a journey to embark on after her OM flames out... which should, given the PA track record around here.
I have my own journey now. The D is final, and I have some healing to do. Forgiveness for her will come in time.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Sorry to hear about the reckless spending. Maybe the intervention of the L and stopping of the money for her frivolites might give her a short sharp shock. It's not fair on you to be busting your ass to feed her shopping sprees. In my opinion, this is cake eating. She wants all the benefits of the single life but the financial benefits from you..
I agree with cbtdad, I think a waw could become a ww. But I think the approach is still rather similar. I have a wh, and I could never have imagined him being so selfish. Most of the things he says and does makes little sense to the logical mind, but so long as they are happy- they would run over their granny to achieve it!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I think my EX-WW always had them. They didn't manifest at first. We did date/court for about 2 years, but got married quickly - 10 months after I proposed. The fireworks started 3 weeks in after we moved intogether. We didn't live together until the day we were married. People make that an excuse to live together before marriage; I still think waiting is the right thing to do. She just had issues with me, and how I did things around the house. She freely admitted our relationship was a 'one way street - her way or else'. I asked it to be a two way street, and she would just laugh - if you want to stay married to me, you have to do it my way!
WRONG.
I tried. and of course failed. I gave up. I try again and failed. After the BD, I became super-dad... lol, she even said I was. You can't make someone who expects perfection from their mate to ever be happy. She always asked to 'not judge her', but would then in turn judge people at every turn. Her one-way street.
She's still going to church, but she says God is 'cool' with her... of course, God forgives. But the second part is to live a life for Christ. She likes to pick and choose what she wants to do for Christ, and ignore the rest.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
trumpet, wow, thank you for sharing that with me. I'm not sure what you were thinking, or what i was thinking, or the fact that we weren't thinking at all... but I knew my W had these problems. I talked about them with (this might sound weird) - her brother's wife... a lot. (footnote: her brother is my age, married one of my best friend's i grew up with's little sister, who is 2 years older than my W... so my W's SIL was actually a childhood friend of mine as well... SIL-IL would regularly give me and talk to me about warning signs, not just of my W, her H, or the family, but just in general.... they are now divorced as well, about a year ago... Oddly enough, We are going out for a drink and conversation together next week).
Maybe it was that if I could just make her happy in life, these problems of the past wouldn't re-surface, but it was rocky from the start with us (after the honeymoon period), and it was rocky all the way through, from the wedding day (she raged), on the honeymoon (she raged and threatened to fly back home for anullment), and through the marriage, it all keeps re-surfacing... even the worst of them, for her struggle to feel needed/wanted/desired, and her easiest way to medicate that problem is finding OM that will provide ot for her (happened before we married too - we broke up about 3 years into dating, and about 2-3 months later, rejoined each other.
I don't know why I thought I could change someone, or if I thought about it at all, but I now know it's not possible, unless they want to change themselves. My IC regularly tells me, "the best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior" and I'm accepting that even if my W does show up and want to reconcile, this problem will re-occur 2-3 years down the road, so I'm not interested at the moment. It's sad hearing myself write/type those words, but I've said it a number of times in the past 2 weeks or so... each time i say it, it's easier to hear, but still very saddening.
And I just realised, I just replied to a post on your first page so my response makes no sense at all! Apologies, I blame baby brain!
Cherry, Thank you so much... I read this and was so confused for a few minutes, but you put a smile on my face... I will visit your thread soon and hopefully return the favor to you!
