Hi Betterm, I think staying off FB in times like these is the best way. So many times on this forum I have seen pain from what gets posted on social media. Much better to not react in any way and keep moving forward yourself. At some point we all need to break the chain of action - reaction - reaction etc with our spouse.
Try and accept that she will do what she will and that's up to her. In my sitch, I reduced the reactions to almost nothing and the only time my cage was rattled was if a core boundary was being breached - otherwise I was completely hands off....though our sitch did end in D of course...
Take care and keep moving forward my friend
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I think this actually threw my W for a loop, because I'm sure she'd expected that I wouldn't go (this would've been my approach in the past - not feeling it? just don't go). But I went, and when she started asking me about it, I told her about how nice it was to see all them again. And how I talked "these people" about my life now, and our situation, and how things are changing so quickly, etc etc. I could tell it bothered her with the positivity ringing through my story. The weird thing is, I wasn't even doing it as a "technique", i was just really enthused with the way it went.
betterm,
I like that kind of enthusiasm.
I found that forcing the DB stuff (acting "as if") didn't work for me because my emotions are so transparent (i.e. I'm a terrible actor). Now, I just do the things that make me happy and confident so I don't have to act, everything is authentic.
For example, when I talk about boxes and tape my whole demeanor changes; I become animated and boisterous.
Make your own facebook page and announce your bachelor status to the world?
Everyone that knows me knows I hate facebook and most of everything it stands for... This would obviously just be an act to "prove a point" or to "stick it to her" or something along those lines... I'm not a facebook guy.
Same thing happened to me 4th of July weekend betterm. I hardly ever use facebook, but W is on there all the time. I got both unfriended and she dropped her married status as well. Really tore me up at first bc that's her social outlet and I know she views that as her telling the world. I think the best thing you can do is just keep plugging away and not let her see it's bothering you. Think Sotto's advice is the way to go.
Starting to really hate facebook though, so right there with you on that...Hang in there brother!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Our facebook status has been moved back to "re-officialdom" apparently. (is that a word). Anyways. She texted me last night and said how mad she is about how people act, and how people need to learn to stay out of other people's business, and blah blah blah. She told me what happened (she didn't "unmarry" but she just made everything on her "info" page private), she told me she changed it back to "married" and that she is going to take a break from facebook for a while. Sent me a screenshot of her "post" saying "I'm taking a break so private message me or text if you need anything"... I sent back "if you go to the account settings page, there is a "delete account" option, and I highly recommend it". She laughed and said not yet.
Since the crazy spell over the weekend, things have been friendly between me and W. She told me she wants to fire the L's and finish this out peacefully, with a mutual mediation attorney. I'm not really sure how I feel about that as she expects to get "half" of basically everything, and I'm not entirely sure I agree with that... okay, I'm certainly sure I do NOT agree with it. But besides that, things are friendly.
She randomly hinted two nights ago that there is no way she is changing her mind on the D. and it's "not because of you"... it's because she feels she needs the D in order to get her life back. She's on a soul-searching mission, and I totally understand that, as the last few years have been hell for her. (not just marriage, but life events galore). I asked her if she was serious when she said she's moving away, and noted I'm only asking because we have 4 animals we own together, and we will need to work something out if she moves away, as I will not be able to maintain them alone. She said there was no way she's moving away. and that we should share the dogs, and she wants the cats (thank you).
The comment that followed was something like "I may be delusional, but I envision our future after the D is final that we are still best friends. That you will come hang out at "my place" and spend some time on the couch hanging out with our cats or something. Is that weird? I don't know how, or why, but I am certain me and you will have a future together in some way or another".
I just responded, I would like to come see that cats, but I think you and I have different views of what our future entails. (I've already had a conversation with her about how after the D, it will take time before I even consider being "real friends" with her... outside of just a cordial friendly neighbor type.
3 weeks and counting. I'm certain this divorce is happening at this point. I'm okay with that, but the last week has been a little more emotional that I'd think it would've been in my stage of this. I think my work with IC still has me "feeling" what's going on, and that's just not something I'm used to in life. I'm not a "feeler", I'm a "doer"... so I guess it's good, in that I'm growing as a person, but it's hard too. I'm not hoping to reconcile anymore, even though my W hints that she wants the D, but wants to have a relationship with me later in life... literally, she has said this in many different ways, but we are both "okay" with the D actually happening. It's kind of a weird stage of this process... I'm not a patient person, but I don't like to rush things... This waiting period is rough.
Since the crazy spell over the weekend, things have been friendly between me and W. She told me she wants to fire the L's and finish this out peacefully, with a mutual mediation attorney. I'm not really sure how I feel about that as she expects to get "half" of basically everything, and I'm not entirely sure I agree with that... okay, I'm certainly sure I do NOT agree with it. But besides that, things are friendly.
betterm,
I translate that as, "I'm out of money and I know betterm can afford more legal help than I can so I'm going to see if betterm will go for this mutual mediation attorney thing (and I'll make him pay for it but he won't know that at the outset)."
I think I could make a pretty good WW myself.
She's really put you through the wringer in a short amount of time. Hang in there. I know that waiting is tough; that's why the tough start building beds and making shutters and other crazy stuff like gardening. I hope you can stay busy and keep your mind off of the sh*t.
One week after my W threatens to have me arrested for false abuse, things were getting much better between us. Several interactions, both in person, on the phone/text, were very pleasant and friendly. I'd even say that many instances were even intimate, in that we were talking and sharing similar emotions/thoughts with one another. She told me that she's enjoyed our recent interactions and would like to see things continue like this regardless of what happens between us. We talked about 'life', our R, in ways that we had not been able to in the past. It seems her anger/contempt was transforming into a depression of sorts.
My W is very sad, very unstable, and still, very confused. She told me she's going to a psych to get on depression and anxiety meds. She's having a very hard time with all this, and I think her seeing me going about my own way, discovering my new person and path, only makes things more difficult on her because she's not able to let go of what's happening in her life, our marriage, etc. She called me and told me that she's going to spend a week with a family member down in FL to "get away" and reflect on things, told her I'm really happy she's going, and I hope she can find peace in her time away and come back a revived person.
While I'm still doing really well, she's having a hard time, but the interactions were feeling like the kind we had when we were first developing our friendship. On Saturday, W went to a wedding shower to a friend that was in our wedding. She text me all day talking about our R, her feelings, etc... I openly talked back and things were good, then it went dark around dinner time. No contact from her on Sunday. Then, this morning, I got a strange strange text.
W: "I wanted to let you know I made it to FL" M: "That's awesome, I'm glad you made it safely. Have fun!" ----- (this is where it gets weird) ----- W: I'm sure you've heard, but if you haven't, I met your new girl. She seems really sweet. W: She did say you message her a lot and that you need to maybe tone it back a little. Just letting you know so you don't push her away. Play it cool."
I didn't respond for a while and finally said "did you mean to send this to me?", she said yes, and that's she's not mad, but didn't like hearing about it the way she did. Told her I have no clue what she talking about and if she's accusing me of talking to another woman then I'm done talking. The texts that followed were something like:
My W and a friend were eating dinner at a place my brother regularly frequents. My bro's group and W's group were outside and shared the same waitress. Somehow W's group asked how she knew all my bro's group, and she said "oh i know him, and X, and Y, and I've been texting and talking with his brother, <myname>." My W responded, "oh really, that's crazy, he's my husband." The waitress then said to my bro's group "I didn't know that was his SO, omg, I feel horrible."
Granted, I do not know this girl, didn't know her name, but apparently I had her once as a waitress. My bro said she's not the brightest person, kinda ditzy, and that his friend was hitting on her a few weeks ago and wouldn't stop facebook messaging her. So, apparently this girl either said something confusing to my W that made her think she was talking to me, or my W misinterpreted the conversation and heard what her distrust probably makes her want to hear.
After talking to my Bro, and his group of friends that were there to figure out what the h3ll was going on, and to get a clear understanding, I just couldn't help but start cracking up laughing... like "WHY!?" The uncontrollable, unfortunate randomness of the social world just piles on drama where it's not needed. But this is kinda crazy, everyone was drunk I think, so I'm sure there was no kind of rationale involved in any of it.
20 minutes ago or so I texted my W just a final msg saying, "I got the details... This was such a outrageous misunderstanding between parties, you'll never believe the truth of the story if I told you now, but it's out there if you want it. I'm sorry you had to experience this in such an awkward way; it had to be hard to hear a story like that. I hope you can find yourself in reflection and enjoy your time at the beach."[b][/b]
betterm, that's wild. It seems like at this point nothing should surprise any of us anymore, but that is especially random. It's great that you can laugh about it though! Keep it up bud!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
No childhood abuse, but definitely some problems in ECD (Early Childhood Development). Her mother is an un-medicated bi-polar/manic, some would even put her borderline personality disorder with paranoid schizophrenic tenancies. they are a normal family, but mom runs manic and dad played doormat because it was just "easier" than dealing with her behavior.
So my W grew up flying under the wingspan of her bestfriend/mom, and just thinks it is normal for families/people to act and react to events the way hers did when she was a developing child. The swings, righteousness, and manipulation was just something that is deemed as "right."
They never seem to "deal with their issues/problems", but instead fight/argue into an angry state, dad withdraws, mom eventually cools in a few days, and we all move on. It's still like this today over at their household, and really, her mom's entire side of the family has these tendencies (and issues - autism, schizophrenia, BPD, bi-polar... multiple members).
What you may be remembering about her, is that her previous long-term relationship prior to me, about 2.5 years, she was physically abused, mentally abused, and was a chronic victim of infidelity.
