What should I be Doing (piecing 6)

[cbtdad]

Cnut,
just keep the course. There is no magic pill. There is no right on wrong answer. There is no way this is going to be fixed overnight. If you want your marriage and you believe your W wants your marriage then you continue to do what you think is best for your marriage. Only you truly know what that is. You are the one there, hearing her words and watching her actions.
I get the "passion" thing she has for wanting to do the academy. My W has the same thing through paramedic school. Yes, I wish that passion was directed at me, but that's not realistic. I use to think so, then I realized that it's not all about me. She is an individual and has her own wants and needs.
I think when you said that the best thing to do is let her finish out the academy and then go from there was right on.
At that point you can go back to the OM transferring, etc

[Zues126]

I like Rose's reply. Those are some macro examples, and she's right, those wouldn't come up much. There are micro examples that come up daily.

It starts with the thought process. That little mantra that we tell ourselves, "what's important is the kids". This can originate from our culture, or from what's lacking in the marriage. For example I know XW exalted the kids and neglected the marriage, but I also understand that the marriage was deeply dissatisfying and it was the only way she could figure out to meet her needs and take care of what she needed to take care of. I in turn did the same thing by putting my work first and feeling my main mission was to provide. I work this in because I want to make it clear that the kids aren't the only thing that can come in front of a marriage, and it isn't always a conscious choice.

Anyway, from this mentality as my mom said it provides an excuse to dismiss the needs of the marriage. Not spending couple time together. Letting the sex life become non-existent. Not dressing nicely. Not doing things for each other. All defended with the idea statements like "marriage has to take the back burner for a while after kids are around, that's just the way it is", or "they're his/her kids too, they should feel loved that I'm caring for the kids", or "he/she can take care of themselves, the kids can't", and so on.

As a pool player I have every line of the old Paul Newman film "The Hustler" memorized. There is a great line in which Paul Newman, the young hotshot, is playing Minnesota Fats, the seasoned veteran. Paul Newman is playing great and has a big lead, but Minnesota Fats isn't worried about that. He has seen a lot of people get a lead but not be able to put him away. Indeed, Paul seems pleased that he's outplayed him that far, and is starting to feel satisfied with what he's accomplished even though the match isn't over. And a growing dread that Minnesota Fats isn't giving up. At one point Paul Newman says "Quit fat man. I'm the best, the best you've ever seen. Even if you beat me I'm still the best!"

And just like that Minnesota Fats knew he was going to win. That line "even if you beat me I'm still the best" was the flag. It showed weakness, it showed that Paul was making excuses and prepared to accept a loss and find a way to rationalize it to himself and feel good about simply getting a lead. It was at that point that MN Fat's backer (the guy putting up the money) said "Stick with this kid, he's a loser!" Sure enough, MN Fats came back and emptied Paul out of his entire bankroll.

That's how I view the whole "kids come first, spouse will have to understand". It generally leads to neglect of the marriage. I haven't seen that followed by a mutually fulfilling relationship.

Now, that's not saying it's possible. If anyone can do it I believe Ginger that you could, and I wouldn't bet against you. Just what I've seen play out in many relationships.

[SH_]

And this is why I questioned your experience knowledge. I have to work through enough of my emotions in dealing with my sitch without someone bringing their emotions into my sitch for me to also have to deal with.

Cnut, I have lurked silently on your threads for sometime now, but not chimed in as your sitch is one that I did not get the pleasure of going through.
But as I have noticed so many chiming in and with often varying viewpoints I am intrigued as the advice varies and probably due to each persons personal experiences.
DBing states that one should try what works until it does not and then try something else. Avoid the cheesless tunnels if you will.

I don't have any advice on what you should do and my opinion would simply be to work with a DB coach if you are not already as they would seem to be the best option for experienced knowledge and leaving out their emotions.

I am pulling for you and hope to watch your switch play out in a very positive outcome.

[Coconut]

SH, nice to hear from you, I appreciate your support. To bad you didn't catch my whole sitch, it was one heck of a ride, I think my emotional swings made for a perfect what not to do...

So like I said, I'm ready to let the academy ride out, I've committed myself to that. Now I'm trying to figure out what that looks like for me, does that mean I'm willing to just back away and not interfere, or does that mean I am willing to fully support and participate..

Ok, so now that I've wrote that out I realize those are my two extreme options, and I need to figure out what middle ground looks like. My W volunteered for the 4th of July parade and to volunteer at the picnic.. But I'm not sure I want to be part of "extra curricular" activities she takes on, quite frankly an old friend of mine is having a 4th of July picnic at his house I'd much rather attend.

I really have considered just telling her I will not interfere with her finishing academy, but I will not be part of it (including her graduation ceremony).. But I think that would be me being weak and avoiding conflict... Now I'm thinking a better way to go will be to tell her that while I have backed off my need for her to leave the academy, I am not interested in participating in non essential functions. I think that will provide me the opportunity to support her in achieving this goal, but also allow me to make it clear that I do not believe her remaining there is the best option for our MR.

I will also give my S the invite to attend my buddies party. My W always says that one of the reasons she wants to finish the academy is to show S that you can achieve what you put your mind to, but my S couldn't care less about the academy. My S is a very very high achiever, both in sports and academics, and contrary to my W beliefs, he gains nothing from her being there, it actually annoys him. So I will give him the option to come with me, but my guess is he will pick his own option of hanging out with girlfriend.

[Wonka]

Coconut,

I really think you should be involved in social activities with W at the firehouse so you can be the supportive spouse while getting to know her colleagues and at the same time staking your territory as the husband. I promise you that the XOM will be quaking in his black boots seeing you there and he will most definitely try his best to avoid you.

And yes you will attend her graduation ceremony with S. Sometimes we may not always like our spouse's hobbies or whatnot, but we do need to be supportive of their achievements. Be the bigger person here. You are very capable of this and this is not the time to disengage from W. Otherwise it'll just be more of the same from you.

You must let this sink in you: turn toward W and engage with her. Joint activities is a bonding agent I the M especially after an A. It is a very dangerous time for you to be disinterested and disengaged with W and the M.

[Coconut]

Wonka, I will think about what you are suggesting, I have been fully engaged with my W and my M, im just not sure if I want to participate in this parade / barbecue. It's not at her station, so it's unlikely many of the people from her station will be there for me to meet, and there aren't that many events like this (4 or 5 a year). I will consider what you are saying, maybe I'll bring son and go for a short while to show support, but I don't want to portray that I'm happy about my W involvement.

I assure you I have no fear of being around OM, other than the possibility of my anger flaring up, but I have no doubt I'm the better person (and much stronger person).

[Coconut]

Ok, I have thought about it, I will attend the function. I will catch the parade and then spend a little time at the barbecue, maybe it will help me be more accepting of it since regardless of what I do, it's in my life. The first time I actually try to stay middle of the road I'm told to going all in might be the right approach, lol. It's amazing how I can see other people's sitchs so clearly but mine is so blurry... Can't see the forest through the trees I guess.

[RSG]

Ok, I have thought about it, I will attend the function. I will catch the parade and then spend a little time at the barbecue, maybe it will help me be more accepting of it since regardless of what I do, it's in my life. The first time I actually try to stay middle of the road I'm told to going all in might be the right approach, lol. It's amazing how I can see other people's sitchs so clearly but mine is so blurry... Can't see the forest through the trees I guess.

Just a quick drop by, but I think your initial idea of staying clear is more of what I would do in my situation. You're further along, so you need to be in more of the supporting H role. She's making efforts for you, you need to show support. She knows it's something you're not dying to do, your being there will (likely) be appreciated....

It's always easier to analyze and think about stuff when your emotions aren't involved.

[sandi2]

I think it would be a mistake to tell her you won't have any part of the FF social activities, when she's made it abundantly clear how important FF is to her. Are you wanting to punish her? That is the way it looks, from the outside. When you are trying to piece the M back together, you need to show each other support. The more you exclude yourself, the more she is seen as a single woman, and the more she will continue going out without inviting her H.

After all that has taken place, you can attend the parade and the FF barbecue. I think it will show her support. Your attendance there makes a statement that you are a couple, and you have not broken up. Don't smother her at the barbecue or try to put on a show of PDA, but do stand by her, socialize, and let her introduce you around. Be sure your male confidence is high on the chart.

Not attending her graduation is just plain mean, IMO. She has worked really hard and she is proud of her acomplishment. Not attending will really hurt your MR. It is the OM you want to hurt, so don't take it out on her. And one more thought on this..........it would be a really bad move, and then tell her you are going to become a FF, too. (Which, I don't think your heart is in the job, or even if it's a good idea since you already have day jobs together). Don't you think it's more just you wanting to be wherever she is b/c of the whole A Issue?

I know you both have things to work out. It may take a couple of years before you finally feel the MR has healed and is where you want it.

There is that thing in you that wants to punish her, and I think it gets in the way of you making right decisions. I want to make a statement about where you are on the DB path. If you are piecing, you don't necessarily apply the same actions you were doing when she was in the A and the M was breaking apart. Do you see what I mean?

For example, not initiating contacts might not work well if you are in the piecing stage. Not initiating or joining into conversations, and not engaging into activities with her......would not be recommended piecing tools.

I will even go as far to say that if you do not fully understand the mental attitude of detaching.........then, it probably makes you appear cold, withdrawn, moody, angry, sullen, and other negative traits you don't want showing when you are piecing.

I think you said something, a few pages ago, about needing to work on your detaching and you were going to do something (can't remember what) to physically detach that day. Considering your previous issues that helped to the breakdown of the MR, I don't know that you should be trying to physically detach. Sure, you need to still GAL and give her some breathing space. You don't want to turn into a clingy H. I believe you can learn to mentally/emotionally detach from things that start working on you and gets your anger stirred up. And, it would help in not wildly swinging from one side of the road to the other.

You need something, like a boxing bag, to wham every day. Maybe it would help relieve some anger. The transition from the place of the H who has a W in an A.......to piecing the marriage back together, must be difficult. She is still in the place where she needs to be transparent. I think the way you communicate your need for her transparency should be in such a way it doesn't sound like a sentencing for her.

Anyway, we can talk more along these lines later. Hope you have a great holiday.

[Coconut]

Quick update, I went to the parade, I stopped by the barbecue, talked to some people I know and met some people I didn't know. We hung out and played some pool, had some lunch, then I left her there so I can head over to my buddies party, she's going to head over there a little later. Everything went well.

Have a Happy 4th of July my fellow Americans.