In the UK - PT 18 'Dark O'Clock'

[Huddy]

This is an SOS to sandi2 or anybody who can offer serious practical advice in the next few hours.

My SD called today to say that my W has gone in to hospital to have a hernia removed and a 'tummy tuck' at the same time. She has left my two youngest children with her and has not told anybody (including family relatives etc.) what she is having done, in case anybody judges her about it.

Obviously, we are in serious MLC country here. Whilst I was aware that she was having a quotation for surgery, I assumed that it had been halted. In one hand I'm furious that she didn't tell me so I could secure my children's safety (whilst my SD is 20, she is not naturally maternal) but on the other hand I am sad that she couldn't feel she could tell me this information. I guess she feels I would judge her. How did she think she was going to conceal a major operation like that?

So, what to do? Part of me wants to scream and yell at her about her apparent lack of judgement, regarding the kids. The other half of me wants to go and see her to tell her that I'm not angry with her and if she feels that depressed with her looks, that she need not worry.

I don't know what to do really - a bit paralysed.

[roist]

Are your children in danger or not safe?

I am not condoning how she did this but I don't see the imminent danger or safety issue.

I think your real issue is being left out of the loop. Ye are separated.SShe can do what she wants ....... within reason. I don't think you need to or should react immediately. I'll let others who have more experience advise but that is my opinion. I do think you should reflect on when ye do talk as to what you will say.

I would act as if she is a neighbour. Ask how she is and move on as if it is none of your business. No big deal. But I would add that it is preferential to be aware of such events as it could impact on children

I am rushing here. That is just my initial reaction. I understand why you are unhappy. I hope you get the advice you seek.

[roist]

I meant to mention not to take it personally.She kept it secret from everyone.

[Wet]

Hi Huddy, yes, I was in your shoes 2 years ago. While we were separated, my MLC W sold her wedding ring (which she promised to d19) for her "tummy tuck" surgery. I agree with you that it is a sign of MLC.

I would not confront her about her lack of judgment. Your W's focus is only on herself right now. Get help for the younger 2 kids where you can. Take a deep breath and ride this one out.

But also do not encourage her about her looks. as roist suggested above, treat her like a neighbor would and I wouldn't even mention the 'tummy tuck' surgery. Good luck getting thru this.

[Huddy]

Thanks so far guys.

My nose is not put out of joint about not knowing, it's about the lack of care for the kids. That is my only concern. They are not in imminent danger, but how can she look after them when she has a gaping wound in her stomach?

[rd500]

Hi Huddy. Just to echo the above posters , once the kids are safe that's all that matters here

I would imagine she told SD in confidence ?? Again it's hard to understand because she could have easily just told everyone about the hernia op and left out the bit about the tummy tuck

Give yourself time to digest the news and don't react. Her circus and she is unhappy with the way she looks so she it trying to fix it You might think she's the most beautiful woman on he planet but as we all know our opinions mean nothing to them

Stay strong. Rd

[NDY]

Hi mate

I think your real issue is being left out of the loop. Ye are separated.SShe can do what she wants ....... within reason.

Right on the money. Come on, be honest with us here. This is what's really bothering you imo. And that's fine. But it's not really any of your business if your STBXW decides to go for cosmetic surgery.

it's about the lack of care for the kids

Really? I don't believe this is the case. If your kids were in any sort of danger/being neglected you would step right in there and take them to your house, no questions asked. besides, SD knows where you are, right?

but how can she look after them when she has a gaping wound in her stomach?

Women have cesarean sections all the time and are just fine. So will your WAW.

So Huddy, what has this little episode shown us? I think mate, you are still very much attached. Very much. I may be wrong but I don't think I am.

Like rd said, it's her circus and IMO she most likely feels she doesn't need to inform you nor cares to do so. This is the game you are in now mate.

Be strong.

[Huddy]

Hi NDY/RD

No, I really am just bothered about the kids. I have been in contact with SD and they are coming here to stay later. I can't allow my S (who's autistic) to be left with my SD.

Do I go and visit? Seems that would be a no from on here. That seems a little cold to me, but I can see how that would show detachment.

[NDY]

Hi NDY/RD

No, I really am just bothered about the kids. I have been in contact with SD and they are coming here to stay later. I can't allow my S (who's autistic) to be left with my SD.

Do I go and visit? Seems that would be a no from on here. That seems a little cold to me, but I can see how that would show detachment.

Ok mate. If you say so. As the kids are with you then that will at least put your mind at rest.

As for the visiting thing, well that's really up to you but the view should be that you are getting on with your life and she's getting on with hers. Lets be honest here if she wanted you to visit she would have told you about the op in the first place. An she also must think she had made adequate arrangements for your kids. Ok so you don't agree with her assessment of those provisions but rest assured this will happen more and more the longer you are both separated. You just have to accept that this is the case.

[Huddy]

Yes, I see what you're saying. I'm a nice guy - that's why it just seems cold. Decided kids need me more. Don't think I'll visit.