3 Months since she said i dont love you (3)

[Natus]

Thanks Coconut and Rose888.

My IC would say the same thing, shes present, shes trying even though she says otherwise, shes changed job. Essentially shes done is doing the work for me to let her in.

Provided shes not contacting him in secret ~that is something that plays on my mind too although this is probably my paranoia talking. Thankfully im no longer reacting to this anymore. Have resisted temptations to snoop.

Part of my anxiety i would say is her not letting me in.
I guess for now i should just work on being the lighthouse. Workout my feelings for myself and try not to let anxiety, paranoia or anger dictate my day.

[Natus]

Bad week in terms of GAL and Detaching.

Still going to gym and enjoying that but not much else. I still care way to much how my W feels.

I finally asked her if we can set a date for MC since she asked. Man it was like trying to pull a nail from a board. Litany of reasons why we should wait right etc money, work, festive season, timing. In the end i asked if we could just "pick" a date in near future and work towards that. So we will go to our first MC in 3 weeks from now.

I should have just left it be at that but noo i had to initiate an R talk. I basically asked if she still wants to go cause even though she is the one that asked for it there has been nothing but excuses everytime i bring it up.

In the end she admitted that part of her reason for asking for MC was to see if it would help us separate amicably but she also says she doesnt know the outcome i.e still unsure.

We will be visiting families this week with Eid. Going to be spending alot of time together. Plus she wants to go for a road trip together on weekend. I need to set myself a goal to be super detach and super validate.

[Tofbrks]

Bad week in terms of GAL and Detaching.

Still going to gym and enjoying that but not much else. I still care way to much how my W feels.

I finally asked her if we can set a date for MC since she asked. Man it was like trying to pull a nail from a board. Litany of reasons why we should wait right etc money, work, festive season, timing. In the end i asked if we could just "pick" a date in near future and work towards that. So we will go to our first MC in 3 weeks from now.

I should have just left it be at that but noo i had to initiate an R talk. I basically asked if she still wants to go cause even though she is the one that asked for it there has been nothing but excuses everytime i bring it up.

In the end she admitted that part of her reason for asking for MC was to see if it would help us separate amicably but she also says she doesnt know the outcome i.e still unsure.

We will be visiting families this week with Eid. Going to be spending alot of time together. Plus she wants to go for a road trip together on weekend. I need to set myself a goal to be super detach and super validate.

Mc in my sitch was a disaster. She did as your W said , to work an amicable split.
I was thinking more repair she was in the split as friends thinking. She'll use the mc to confirm her feelings and validate her leaving. Very few mc's will put in the effort to work over the ww/waw , because most don't value M ... Just there to help you with self discovery and work on the "communication".
You'd probably be better off not going , she's not in that frame of mind now.

[PsySara]

Mc will be a waste of time if she is not interested in engaging in the marriage at this time. I suggest you go by yourself and be very mysterious when she inevitably starts asking about the sessions. I dragged my WH to MC right after the affair was uncovered and it was disastrous. However recently my WH requested for us to start MC as he now wants to piece. I am actually holding off until he moves here permanently because it will be ineffective if we can only attend one session a month.

[Natus]

After thinking about it for 24hrs i feel that i dont want her there either.

Tomorrow is Eid here in Brunei, annual ritual to visit all our family members. It just hit me and i feel like im having a panick attack. How am i suppose to go house to house of both my and her relatives and pretend we are a happy family unit. She wants to leave me and has no desire to work for the M.

I want to tell her to go alone. To go do her half and ill go do my half of the family. Of all days i sent my car to workshop today. We are even suppose to go on a road trip together this weekend.

I have to come to terms that she doesnt want me as her husband.

Dont trust anything she says and only 50% of what she does. Well she talks about leaving and having no feelings for me. She makes family plans with me, asks me to accompany her to appointments and stuff, shopping and dinning together.

Gah! trying to understand where my sich is seriously making me want to murder someone right now.

[sandi2]

What is your overall plan? I'm sure it is to reconcile, but what is your plan in getting there? Have you broken it down in smaller steps? If you have a plan, you follow the plan, not just see what hits next.

Like......how to interact with her, and how to address these things she wants you to do? If you don't have a real plan that directs you, then every little thing she tells you is going to be a panic crisis for you.

[Natus]

What is your overall plan? I'm sure it is to reconcile, but what is your plan in getting there? Have you broken it down in smaller steps? If you have a plan, you follow the plan, not just see what hits next.

Like......how to interact with her, and how to address these things she wants you to do? If you don't have a real plan that directs you, then every little thing she tells you is going to be a panic crisis for you.

Well my plan was work towards NC or going dark, then she asked me for MC which made me think she wants to give it a shot. So i pulled back on NC.

Now i know she doesnt really want to give it a shot. Im planless.

Right now i have to decide which way im going to go tomorrow. a) suck it up and do the family thing b) tell her i cant do it. She can tell her mum and rest of her family members why i am not there.

First one sounds like me. I'd endure stoically. The latter feels weak but hey next year we might not be together anyway so what difference will it make.

[doodler]

Natus,

You could weasel out of it; just feign illness and don't go at all. Cough, cough, cough...

[sandi2]

Present day - W trying NC OM. Still WW/WAW.

What is meant by "W trying NC OM"? Is she trying to not contact the OM, or is she trying to work on the MR?

The other thing is shes never said she wants to work at our marriage, infact she has said the opposite. So that plays on my mind abit.

I dont actually know if she wants to spend time with me or just feels its the right thing to do. We have not had any alone time, always with Son or family so its never been about us.

Well, I suppose that answers my questions.

I have to come to terms that she doesnt want me as her husband.

Well she talks about leaving and having no feelings for me. She makes family plans with me, asks me to accompany her to appointments and stuff, shopping and dinning together.

If you've come to terms, what's the problem in doing just what you want to do and not worry about what she says?

Right now i have to decide which way im going to go tomorrow. a) suck it up and do the family thing b) tell her i cant do it. She can tell her mum and rest of her family members why i am not there.

First one sounds like me. I'd endure stoically. The latter feels weak but hey next year we might not be together anyway so what difference will it make.

Actually, the first sounds like you b/c you are trained to suck it up and do whatever your W tells you. That's a nice-guy type of H. And, it is not the one that will make you look strong. You tell yourself it is strong, maybe to ease your own emotions, but you are resentful inside. It is much harder for you to do the second one, and even harder if you don't tell her some b.s. excuse about having something to do, and just tell her you aren't interested in going on a vacation with a woman who doesn't want to be your W. That takes bigger b@lls.

You see, you can decide if you want to take the soft route or the tough route......and it will solve having to make these individual panic type decisions. Instead of you saying, "I feel like telling her.......", you just refer back to which route is on your map. The first is simple. You just serve up cake for her and do whatever she says, and try to keep her in a good mood, and walk on eggshells. But wait......isn't that what you've previously done? The second is rather simple, too. Instead of thinking what you'd like to tell her.......you just tell her, and go on about your life. She caused this mess. Now, she has to put on her big girl panties and clean it up!

[AndrewP]

Hey doodler - I just popped by to update my own thread.

I think that for Eid that it would require a death-certificate and pictures of the corpse to get out of a lot of the family obligations that go around that holiday. It varies from family to family I'm sure and not being a follower of the Prophet myself I'm only seeing it from the outside.

Good luck Natus. I know in my own sitch that we are still in many ways acting like a couple to the outside world. It does make things less complex while we try to work out where we are going. Otherwise you are inviting all of the friends, neighbours and relatives to take sides on what is probably for you also a very private matter.