Yes GAL. Very important. GAL does not mean to go sleep around. It means to do healthy things that remove yourself from the stich. It helps a great deal. Just clean up and go.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Need to find my zen. This week my emotions have been all over the place.
On a fun note downloaded a Days without incident countdown app for my phone to monitor how long i can go without R talk, Pursuing, Arguments etc.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
So unpredictable. I've been day dreaming what it be like to put house up for sale and go our separate ways.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
At this point we are almost always together after work, except if we have made dinner plans and or im at the gym.
A typical day is like this, come home from work, have dinner together, she tells me about her day and stuff. We read our son books to sleep. Watch a bit of TV, she goes to sleep. Other nights we go out for dinner and movie together with our son or go to her parents or my parents house.
Although she has asked for MC and says she wants to earn my trust back she has also said on two occasions now she cant stay, as in she wants to leave.
Should i stop having family dinners together? i see it works two ways a) i leave the house for my own dinner or b) ask her to leave the house c) not have dinner at same time.
Apart from dinner should i ensure i have plans or something or play with son and not initiate any convo.
Kinda hard to define where i am at, should i just assume we are in-house separation and act accordingly? I know my IC would advise against this. He would say why am i trying to push her away.
is there any way to detach without pushing her away?
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Just reread the last bit - i shouldn't be concerned about pushing her away.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
It sounds to me like you have a wife who is confused about what she wants, but who is still in the home and wanting to spend time with you. And she went NC with the OM and switched jobs to avoid him, right?
It doesn't seem to me that taking a hardline at this point is going to be helpful.
For me, I've found that detaching has less to do with how much time I'm spending with H and more about not letting his mood dictate mine or his actions determine what I do.
It can be a subtle thing. Instead of asking if he wants to do X, I tell him I am doing X and ask if he'd like to join. If he does, we go together. If he doesn't, I go alone or with a friend or with one of the kids, and I have a great time.
If I cut my hair, I don't ask if he likes it. Because that's not important.
If he's in a bad mood, I realize it probably has nothing to do with me, and I don't try to fix it. If he wants to talk about it, I listen, and I'm sympathetic. If he doesn't, I give him space for as long as he needs.
I mess up a lot, but it feels great when I get it right, and it doesn't require anything dramatic like leaving the house while he's having dinner.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Those are great points rose888. I guess im just reacting to everything internally ~ shes in a bad mood its my fault that kindof thing.
The other thing is shes never said she wants to work at our marriage, infact she has said the opposite. So that plays on my mind abit.
I dont actually know if she wants to spend time with me or just feels its the right thing to do. We have not had any alone time, always with Son or family so its never been about us.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Although I'm familiar with your sitch, I didn't read the last few pages of your previous thread. If what Rose said is accurate, that WW went NC and quite job to get away from OM, then I agree with her wholeheartedly.
Let me ask you this, has your W done what you would need to let her back into the M?
If she recently went NC with OM, then she is processing a lot of emotions, and she is not always going to be happy, and she will make decision / say things based on emotions. Ignore those, if she wants to move out she will, if she wants a D she will file, barring those actions, what she says doesn't matter because just like you, her feelings change.
If she hasn't done what you would need to let her back in the M, (I'm not talking about showing remorse, apologizing, anything like that. I'm talking about stopped having A, seeing OM, etc), find a way to let her know what she would need to do in order to get back into your M, then be a lighthouse. if she wants safe port with you, she will know how to get there.
If she has done what you would need to let her back in the M, then this is where you need to be the biggest brightest light house ever. You need to be stable, safe, a place that she knows she can find because you are shining your light. Now would not be the time to have R talks, tell her how much your hurt, etc. Now is ONLY the time to validate, and be cool calm and collective.
Like Rose said, lose the mysterious, be open about what you are doing, tell her she's welcome to come, don't be afraid to be home with her, don't be afraid to talk about superficial things, spend time with son as a family. If her A has ended, now is the time that doing these things may make her realize it's with you that she wants to be.
you may want to give my thread a quick glance from this point going forward, lots of advise on what to do once the A has ended.
Those are great points rose888. I guess im just reacting to everything internally ~ shes in a bad mood its my fault that kindof thing.
The other thing is shes never said she wants to work at our marriage, infact she has said the opposite. So that plays on my mind abit.
I dont actually know if she wants to spend time with me or just feels its the right thing to do. We have not had any alone time, always with Son or family so its never been about us.
Sometimes we do what we feel is right and then the feelings follow.
I don't know if my H wants to be with me, either. But he's here and trying, so I'm going to give him all the time he is willing to take, in the hope that the feelings will return.
In your sitch, where she needs to get over an EA, I would assume it's normal for it to take longer for feelings to return. It might be that she is doing all she can at the moment, that just staying IS her best effort.
I know it's agonizing. I keep reminding myself to take the long view.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
