Wife wants divorce

[Cop1]

Cadet, yes it would. It's going to be so hard but I've no option.

We are still under the same roof living in seperate rooms

[Cadet]

We are still under the same roof living in seperate rooms

I understand I have been there and done that.

[Cop1]

I never dreamed it would get to this point.

We are now so far gone I feel sad that what we had is no more

[betterm]

Cop1, hope you're doing okay today. Cadet is dead on here. Do you want to know what happened that night? I'm pretty sure that's a yes. But she is in no state to be truthful right now. She will say anything. My WW still, just 2 days ago, told me that her OM (only EA as far as I know), is just a 'good friend' through this because he's also having marital problems and it's nice to talk about things with someone who knows what's going on.

I just told her I'm glad she's got someone to talk to right now (I'm not currently trying to reconcile anything). Now, if reconciliation ever does come up, I will want to know the details of everything, or it won't happen. But that won't come for a ways down the road.

I never dreamed it would get to this point.
We are now so far gone I feel sad that what we had is no more

I think we all experience this, over, and over, and over. The weird thing is, your WW is probably thinking the same thing, but not through the same lenses that you are. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I hope you can choose your path, stay strong, and continue working on that new plan.

[sandi2]

Sorry to hear about your problems in your MR and your mental state. Have you ever taken medication for depression, anxiety, etc.? It will take a little while before you might tell any change, but I hope you will stick with it, and seeing your therapist. Have you been to counseling in the past?

She has since told me that she wants to be a family together, and do things with the kids such as go on holidays etc and she has moved her things back in the house. She has still said there is no going back for us.

She has mentioned this ^^^^^ more than once, right? It sounds contradictory. She wants all the advantages of being in a M, but she doesn't want to be your W. Why would a man want to stay with a woman who tells him there is no going back as a couple, but she wants him to continue working and providing a home for her, and she continues to have OM on the sideline. Are you staying in the home right now?

the part about not believing anything she says I'm struggling to interpret. In what kind of context would this be?

The WW will talk in absolutes. "You NEVER" or "You ALWAYS", type of statements. She will rewrite your complete marital history. She can only see one viewpoint......hers! Oh, and she will lie, cheat, deceive, and cover herself. In most cases, it's a lot of b.s. coming out of her mouth. More than likely, she is going to blame everything on you, in order to justify herself. So, you really cannot believe what she says while she is in this frame of mind. And, unfortunately, it doesn't usually change right away.

Won't be able to talk today as on board train. I do want us to be a family and do stuff together but you need to understand why I'm weary at the moment. Your behaviour is erratic. I don't want social services involved as it only takes a call from the neighbours. I would like you to talk to your mom and dad about helping you find somewhere. There is no rush at all! But it will not help you come to to terms with things. I care about you and you are an amazing dad and I want you to stay that why

I want to show you how easily it is to read too much into things, or misinterpret what they say, or even do. When she previously said she wanted to be a family "together", I thought she meant living under the same roof as roommates. However, her text above, it sounds as if she doesn't want you in the house at all. She just wants you to do stuff together like a family.

What does cause some concern in her text, is her mentioning social services getting involved if a neighbor should call. Have the arguments been that loud? Have police ever been sent to your house? Has there been things thrown around? Do you have an anger management issue? If so, then I think it would be best for you to keep your distance from your W, for the time being. Maybe get your parents to intervene on your behalf and pick up & deliver the kids for you, so you won't have to see or talk to her.

Do you own your house or do you rent? Is it in both names?

Have you talked to a lawyer for legal advice, just to be sure of your rights and to protect yourself.

I'm sure all of this is very discouraging for you, however, things can change for the better. The main thing for you to remember is this will take a lot of time. If you have anger problems, in addition to your other issues, you will have your plate full improving and getting back the man you use to be......or become better. As you said, it is not easy living with you. I would not be a good candidate to live under the same roof with someone who had your issues, b/c I just don't have what it takes......and I'm not sure I would want to, really. But when you are in a M and your spouse becomes ill, that's what we are suppose to do, right? So, let me ask you this.......if that was the only reason she would reconsider, would you want her to stay with you? Probably not. So, focus on what you can do for yourself and do everything you can do to become stable and get rid of your demons. Hopefully, your therapist can help you with the insecurity and anger, etc.

[Cop1]

Hi, thanks, I'm struggling a bit today, I've gone from relief to desperately wanting to know the truth, even if she says it's a PA

She keeps refusing to talk about it and wants to move on and be a family for the kids.

I'm sorry to hear about your WW and I hope you get the results you want we're an R or not

[Cadet]

Hi, thanks, I'm struggling a bit today, I've gone from relief to desperately wanting to know the truth, even if she says it's a PA

We have already told you the truth.
Stop asking her.
You can't believe anything she says anyways.

Do you not believe what we are saying but you believe her?

[Cop1]

No I believe you.

I know I can't beleive her, but I still want to. That's the feeling I'm wrestling with most

[Cop1]

Hi sandi2

Thank you for your message.

I've never taken medication before for mental issues not have I had therapy. I was a cop for 10 years, only just left but it had a major effect on me, I started drinking and shunning people or social events.

I'm staying in the home at the moment, she wants to do stuff together as a mum and dad for the kids in the time being, we own our house and need to sort out finances before one of us moves.

Our walls are thin and we can hear the neighbours talking, we do shout but it's only shouting and not extremely loud. Never violence.

I do get really angry though, I find my mind races and I get images in my head of betrayal etc. From nowhere. I know it's not normal and it's got to the point I'm getting help.

I'm getting blame now for the breakdown of M, but it has swapped and changed where she took blame and then it was my fault and so on.
At the moment she is really angry and I'm the baddest person on the planet.

The social services comment is only related to neighbours hearing arguments, we really look after our kids and never fight in front of them, I understand kids pick up vibes and notice things but, we love them and care for them so much. Nothing gets thrown, just the occasional door slamming
My wife wants the kids to have both parents in their lives I think that's why my wife wants us to go on family days out.

My background is pretty harsh as a child, pretty bad to be honest. I've took this breakdown of M very badly as I had a family with my kids and M.

Before 5 weeks ago I had no gut feeling about affairs or cheating, but I had huge insecurities and depression, I let it fester and I've pursued my wife non stop every minute every day and couldn't let it go.

I am working to improve myself and recognise my problems, I just hope I don't push people too far from me and that I can turn things around

[Cop1]

I have separated with my wife 2 weeks ago

I've posted previously about this and had some great advice, but I had not been sticking to the DB principles.

I'm now trying to do the last resort technique.
My wife has said that we are no longer together, it's over, no going back and she has given up on our marriage. She got quite angry when saying it.

Despite this she has still invited me to go to a family bbq with her and our kids and she says she still wants to do things with the kids as a mum and dad not H and W. We have a holiday booked in September and she still is thinking we are all going still.

I thought there was OM involved but I've done more digging and it appears there is not, but can never be certain, and I can't beleive what my W says about it anyway.

My wife is GAL but I'm struggling to do this and struggling to detach. There is still hope inside me.

Im being nice around her, not questioning her and just trying to follow the LRT as best as possible.

She wants to talk to me when we are sat together, makes me drinks and asks about my day, she hasn't mentioned D for a week or mentioned splitting assets for the same time. But she seems comfortable around me and has a laugh still with me and the kids.

I find this really hard as it makes me want to be affectionate with her, it's easier when she is cold and heartless.

I'm really struggling dealing with things at the moment inside, I've not been emotional to her for a while and just keeping it in.