Betsey, I never really stopped to think that may be my mom of telling me everything is going to be ok. I really, really hope it was. I talked to her the other night, telling her I really hoped it was her and I hope she sees something I can't see for myself.
Ellie, can't remember what their names were, but yeah, I'm not chasing after anyone. I'm ready to be pursued!
I'm kind of realizing what I am going through right now is very PTSD of my divorce. I am doing the same thing I did when I found out ex was having an A. I remember thinking about the vacations OW got to go on with my daughter and ex. How they would all wake up together and have breakfast. Family things. Ones I long for. I'm thinking about ex NG and his D and his new GF and her D doing the same things. I p lay little ridiculous scenes in my head. It should be an my D.
I feel robbed, again. And that was what I had the hardest time being robbed of during my D. I get a taste then it's given to someone else in the blink of an eye.
Been taking a breather. I have come to realize lots of things these past few days and had a few "aha" moments.
I saw my IC yesterday and we really dug deep.
I do indeed feel robbed again. Of a future. A future, security, comfort, partnership, love. Every time I grasp it, can taste it, can feel it, it's ripped out from under me. It feels like I'm quitting heroin cold turkey everytime it happens. It's not the past that I can't let go of, it's the future. The one I have been waiting for, since childhood. Thought I achieved it with ex. Had the house, bmarriage, baby, boom, gone in 2 seconds, before I can experience it. Thought I had it finally with exNG, but nope.
But there it is, a future that was never real, and just a fantasy. So sitting here with no security, comfort, or vision of a future, (even though we never really know what's going to happen) scares the absolute cr@p out of me. Because I sit here and envision a future alone, in my rental house, I don't like it. So I can't see anything.
That's enough blah blah blah. But I need to let go of the future. I never had one with any of these guys. I did realize with ex NG, once he found out that I was not down with his plan to move to his state, but not in his house (he wanted me close by, but not living with him for a few years)was when he made an actual concentrated effort not to love me. He tried like heck to stop loving me. This isn't speculation, he pretty much told me as much. With the new one, he is trying like heck to love her, just as he made an actual effort not to love me. Because she fits into his plans. That's his choice. So, I knew for a while there was no future.
Well, that's that. I've made another decision I've been contemplating for a little while. Going on AD's for a while. I felt like a failure, but my IC ensures me I am not. Finding happiness again is up to me. But I can't find it when I'm crying all the time. I made a real effort to use distraction, but really, I'm exhausted trying to distract myself. Like physically exhausted. D8 knows I'm sad. I'm messing up at work (and my job is super easy). School luckily is going well. But I need to put my head in the right frame of mind to get my crap together again.
This weekend I drive up to the party by exNG's house. I think the drive might give me triggers, but at the end I get to see some great people, and I am pretty excited for that.
Your post hits the nail on the head for me. I am bitter and angry and resentful about my and kid's future that was stolen from us. I hate that now that I feel like I am in my prime, I will probably have to spend the rest of my life as that weird cat/ dog/ parrot/ whayever pet lady.
Svcks that exNg is copping out. He doesn't seem to realise that there has to be some give and take in a R?
Sending you some virtual hugs and strength for your drive to the party.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
G, AD's can be like the tow truck that pulls you out of the ditch...and there's nothing wrong with that! I've always found being single somewhat anxiety provoking...not that it's an intense constant dread or anything but when I was married I felt secure, like my life was settled and I could relax. When you're single it's a struggle sometimes to fend off the feeling of being alone. Much of the time I'm OK with it and don't know whether a R is what I need or want (whenever I open the door a crack not so nice things happen and I'm not sure I want that sh*t!) but I do miss the feeling of being special to someone else in a way that no friend or family member can be. Hang in there...and if don't want to go to the party (not saying you do or don't) then don't go...you don't have to!
I do indeed feel robbed again. Of a future. A future, security, comfort, partnership, love. Every time I grasp it, can taste it, can feel it, it's ripped out from under me. It feels like I'm quitting heroin cold turkey everytime it happens. It's not the past that I can't let go of, it's the future. The one I have been waiting for, since childhood. Thought I achieved it with ex. Had the house, bmarriage, baby, boom, gone in 2 seconds, before I can experience it. Thought I had it finally with exNG, but nope.
But there it is, a future that was never real, and just a fantasy. So sitting here with no security, comfort, or vision of a future, (even though we never really know what's going to happen) scares the absolute cr@p out of me. Because I sit here and envision a future alone, in my rental house, I don't like it. So I can't see anything.
That's enough blah blah blah. But I need to let go of the future. I never had one with any of these guys. I did realize with ex NG, once he found out that I was not down with his plan to move to his state, but not in his house (he wanted me close by, but not living with him for a few years)was when he made an actual concentrated effort not to love me. He tried like heck to stop loving me. This isn't speculation, he pretty much told me as much. With the new one, he is trying like heck to love her, just as he made an actual effort not to love me. Because she fits into his plans. That's his choice. So, I knew for a while there was no future.
I would venture to say....
I wouldn't let go of your future...
I would let go of the expectations of what you thought your future would be...
And embrace the future that you already have...
Yea....blah, blah, blah....marriage, house, all of those things...
Take a look at what you do have G...
X f-tard didn't deserve you, nor did he deserve what you and your "boss" could have given to him....
I hope you start to feel much better within yourself and that the ADs help. I think you are doing all the right things - posting here, seeing an IC, taking meds for now - and all of this should mean you feel much better in yourself going forwards.
Just reading your post about feeling cheated of a future. It struck me that you seem to feel dependent on a n other to build a great future with (for?) you. Can you imagine a scenario where you are grounded and content within yourself and happily single? I don't think we can depend on someone else for our future happiness. If that is the case, they become the cake and not the icing.
The best thing IMHO is to focus on wholeness and healing within yourself and when you get to a good place....who knows what may lie around the corner?
In the meantime, do take care and keep working through things with your IC xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you. I do not feel dependent on someone to build a future with. I've been D'd 8 years and in no real R's. I have built my own life. But yes, it is true, I will not be happy on my own for the rest of my life. I need romantic love and companionship. It is a basic human need for me. I will not be happy if that's what the rest of my life has in store for me. I was happy single for a while. But not as a long term life plan. The weird thing is, I've come full circle. For years I was happy, whole, grounded on my own. But that was never the long term plan for myself. I have been ready for a while, and it is more difficult not having it now that I have been ready, pieced my life together, did some major work and transformation. I turned that corner, and it wasn't lying there:(
Mach, I do know I have good things. In my journey out of this depression, I have focused on gratitude and what I do have. But still, what I need cannot be filled by those things. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy and appreciate what I do have, I just want what I need and need what I want. I just need to stop trying to milk it from the wrong places, lol
But again, I'm not looking for it. Maybe it will find me.
The loss of a future as we hoped it would be is hard. I was very angry for quite some time with ex too. I did get over it, eventually, and I did get all psyched up about a new future and the wonderful things that could come our way.
None of us really want to be alone for the rest of our lives. We are full of love, and as humans, we were meant for that kind of love. Don't let my hopelessness discourage any of you right now. I'm at a low. I thought I was getting that new future I had envisioned with exNG. And we did have a wonderful connection, as did our kids, and our kids with each of us. It's hard to admit it wasn't meant to be ever lasting. I'm just coming off of lost hope and some lonliness and it's kicking my butt a little.
None of us will be the crazy cat/frog person for the rest of our lives. I know it.
