Piecing my life and M back together

[LiM]

I imagine true trust will take a long time to come back. But for now, you have to have a transparency plan. I know where my W is at all times. Its not awkward because I don't have to ask; she just tells me. I can also check her location of her phone. I also have an iPod Touch that has all of her iPhone credentials so I can see all of her text messages and emails. I know my W feels like she has no privacy but she doesn't seem to be resentful of it. On the flip side, she knows where I am at all times, can see my location and I have no problem with her looking at my phone to look at emails or text messages. I've also done things to try and rebuild her trust in me. She knows that I found out about the A because I hid a voice recorder in her car and I recorded her having sex with OM. I had been hanging on to those recordings for all these months. Dont really know why; its not like I listened to them ever again. But she sat next to me on the bed and watched me delete them. That helps her know that she can trust me.

As for talking, you've certainly got to be able to talk through all of the hurtful stuff but that can't be all that you do. If you are able to spend time together and truly enjoy each others company in the midst of all the pain, then I think there is a great deal of hope for your M. Dont make your entire R about confronting the pain of the A every single day. Spend time together. Have fun together. Remember why you fell in love. Dont shy away from working through the painful things but you don't have to do it all in one day. Live life. Be thankful for the good that you have.

[blueboy]

Thanks Lim, that's really helpful!

Just to share with someone who is in a similar position is so helpful, I really hope your sitch works out, you seem to be in a good place, I'm just hoping to be in a better position in a couple of months!

My W struggle with the guilt which is good, but I don't want her feeling bad 24/7 as that not going to help us move on to a healthier R!

I can't imagine how you felt listening to that recording, the thought of W having sex with OM is bad enough! You a very strong person, your W is a lucky lady!

[LiM]

Had some more progress with my W this past week after her emotional breakdown. During that process, she told me that she finally recognized that she couldn't "help" the other couple and that I was right about needing to break off contact with OM's W. I was out of town for 2 nights on business and while I was gone, she wrote a short letter to OM's W and told her that neither she nor her husband should contact us either again. It wasn't the most firmly worded letter, and it could have been done by text or email but it did get the job done. Of course, OM's W then responded with a length text about how good God is and how maybe someday we can all be friends, blah, blah. At that point, my W then blocked her on her phone.

I'm glad that I was patient and let my W get to this place on her own. Its much better that it happened this way than if I had tried to force the issue.

[J5K]

Lim

That is great news! I will continue to pray for your family.

[JujuB]

JujuB,

I think for me, it means being the lighthouse. It means being physically and emotionally present for my W and D's. It means showing them that I care about their struggles and that I am there to support them through their hardships in whatever way they need me. It means talking to them about my hardships and conflicts and how I handle them. It means showing my family that I treat others with kindness and respect regardless no matter how bad of a day that I'm having. You could probably write a whole book on what it means to be a leader (and I am sure there are books) but to me, I think it boils down to a leader is someone you go to for advice, guidance, help and support. A leader is someone you know you can trust in all things. A leader is someone you choose to follow because you know you can rely on them to always have your back.

Lim, I have always loved reading your posts. You are truly an amazing man. I agree. Communicating with your family, being physically and emotionally present, and following that golden rule are great ways to become a respected leader of your family.

Rather then choosing to be right, you have taken a risk and chose to forgive and I am happy that your wife seems to appreciate it and is working on earning your forgiveness. Once again, she is a very lucky woman and I hope that she too can learn to fix herself instead of looking outward to fix others...

A good lesson for us all.

J.

[LiM]

Hello everyone. I wanted to post an update and ask for some advice and support.

My W and I now are now connecting and communicating on a level we never have in our entire history. Its fantastic. But of course, the hurt is very still much there. Its here to stay for a while.

Over the past week, I've been feeling the need to detach from my W. I've not had the desire to touch or kiss her and the desire to have sex has also wained. I've felt the need to pull away. The emotional struggle that I've been having is that I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can ever get over what has happened no matter what my W does to try and make it right. So I told that to her. And of course, that was very upsetting to her. I don't know if this feeling is real or just the standard doubts and fears that run through your mind after something like this. I think the reason I am having these feeling is because of the things my W is saying that she needs to do to heal from this.

My W decided to get back on FB a few days ago (she closed her account for a couple of months). That was hard for her because most of her friends are triathletes and are members of OM's training group. So even though she isn't following that FB group anymore, there is a constant barrage of things related to him and that group that show up in her FB feed. Other athletes are asking her why she hasn't come back to training with the group again. Its been 6 months. At first, the excuse was because she was injured. But clearly, she's not still injured after all this time. And people are asking questions. When she got back on FB, I asked her if she was still "friends" with OM's W. She is. And in fact, spent the day looking at all of OM's W's posts on FB. That's a problem for me and my W agrees that her IC would also say that it was a bad idea for her to be doing that. But she hasn't unfriended OM's W.

My W has also told me that she feels the need to talk to both OM and his W again to "set things straight." OM's W sent my W a text a few months ago that was very painful for my W. OM's W accused my W of trying to portray an underage porn star to OM. My W feels the need to defend herself because she feels that is not what she was doing. But regardless of what she was/wasnt trying to be with OM, there is nothing to defend. What she did is indefensible. OM also sent a painful text around the same time where he told my W that "none of it was real, he was just using her, he was just F'ing her." I believe my W needs to hear him admit that there was more to it than that. She needs to feel that she wasn't "used."

After telling my W yesterday that I don't know if I can "do this", I left and went to a concert w my daughters. I didn't just drop that on her and then walk right out. It was a conversation over a couple of hours.
My W spent the evening crying. She called me at one point crying and saying "What do I need to do? Dont give up on me."
She had blocked OM's W on text message but she unblocked her and started texting w OM's W last night while I was out. They are all "buddy, buddy" talking about healing and forgiveness and love and God. I'm not OK with that and my W knows that.

I think that my W feels that she needs to have some sort of polite relationship with the other couple so that she can go on with her life and show her face in public. She's not going to go train with him anymore but she wants to be able to show up at a racing event and not feel like she has to hide from the world if they accidentally run in to each other. She wants to be in a place where they can politely say hello and not have to run away if they happen to find themselves talking to the same group of people. My W desperately wants me to meet with OM so that he can apologize to me. I don't want or need an apology from him. I don't care what he thinks about anything. She feels that I would feel better if I could "say what I have to say."

It may be that my W really does need to have a reconciliation with the other couple so that she can show her face in public (at race events) in order forgive herself and heal. I just don't see how that is compatible with what I need to heal. I don't see how I can ever be ok with being able to have a polite conversation with them if we run into them somewhere. I don't want to talk to either of them. Ever.

I CAN see how that might be a good thing. Neither me nor my W should have to hide from the world or be afraid to show up at an event just because they might be there. We should be able to talk to whoever we want regardless if they happen to be in the same vicinity or not. I guess I just feel that if I'm ok with being at a place where I can stand with a group of people and carry on a conversation with OM and his W also present in the same group, then I am essentially saying that I am ok with what happened. I'm just afraid that if I'm Ok with this, the next thing I know, OM's W will be inviting us over to their house for a F'ing picnic!

I don't know what I should be ok with. I don't know what I should do about boundaries being crossed (contacting OM's W).

[Coconut]

Lim,

Your Ws words and actions don't seem to be matching up. She asks you what she needs to do to make it right, you've told her but she hasn't unfriended OMW and wants you to meet them.

I have a similar scenario in that I am likely to one day run into OM at a firefighter function, I've promised my W I won't rip his head off (I'm much bigger than OM) but other than that I will handle as I see fit, but in no scenario will me and W sit around chatting with OM and his W.

I would tell W that you two can handle running into them when it occurs, as for others in the group she can tell them whatever she wants, that there was an A, or that she no longer talks to OM and doesn't want to, or whatever, but in no world is it ok for her to ask you to sit down over coffee and talk to him.

I feel for you, I fear that your W is starting to miss the excitement of the A, or of her old life with that group, and she needs to decide that she wants u and that means leaving that life in the past.

[LiM]

Lim,

Your Ws words and actions don't seem to be matching up. She asks you what she needs to do to make it right, you've told her but she hasn't unfriended OMW and wants you to meet them.

I have a similar scenario in that I am likely to one day run into OM at a firefighter function, I've promised my W I won't rip his head off (I'm much bigger than OM) but other than that I will handle as I see fit, but in no scenario will me and W sit around chatting with OM and his W.

I feel for you, I fear that your W is starting to miss the excitement of the A, or of her old life with that group, and she needs to decide that she wants u and that means leaving that life in the past.

I think you hit the nail on the head: she says one thing (I want to fix this) and then does something else (talks with OM's W).

I'm a little smaller than OM but I have no doubt that I would throttle him into the ground if I have to see him because I have one thing that he doesn't have: RAGE. In reality, I probably could control myself in a public setting if I were to see him. I'm not stupid. I know the consequences of doing something like that. But I'm not ok with talking with a group of people if he and his W were also in the same group. I think that is what my W wants to be able to happen.

I know my W loves me and wants only me. She's over the A and knows that I am the better option for a million different reason. He has NOTHING to offer her. He is a POS and she knows it. But at the same time, I think she feels a need to know that it was more than just jumping into the sack. She needs to know that he cared for her. That's repulsive to me. And yet I know that it is normal for the WW to feel a sense of loss after an A. Its normal for them to grieve.
The community she involved in is so small that its impossible to not run into them at some point. She wants to be at a place that we can all be in the same vicinity without animosity.
I don't care what she tells other people. That's not my problem.
I want her to be able to heal. I want her to be able to be the incredible athlete that she is and I want to support her in that. I just don't know how to keep them out of our lives if she feels like she needs to maintain a civil relationship wit them.

[LiM]

An example of when we might possibly run into each other occurred last week. My W went to an open water swim at a local lake. I went with her and swam with her and the other athletes that were there (I'm a really good swimmer). This swim was organized by her new female triathlon coach but who is also biz partners with OM. Her new coach knows about the A.
There were about 10 athletes there. I didn't know most of them but I did talk and socialize with almost all of them. Afterwards, I ran a couple of miles with my W.
This week, my W told me that OM has come to these swims recently. He normally never leaves his house to train because he has everything he needs there; including a pool. But now he's showing up at these other training events.
So in this situation, I trying to support my W (and do something healthy for myself), and become more involved with her other friends and support her in the sport she is so passionate about. And now I learn that HE many show up there!?!?!
Her coach can't be worrying about us and whether or not the OM is going to show up. It not her job to police our relationship. OM can show up if he wants. I dont want to be in that situation. That would be horrible for me. And what if I don't go and he and my W are there? Am I supposed to tell my W that she has to leave if he is there? The other athletes would be wondering WTF is going on if my W shows up and then leaves.
I just don't know what to do.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

As MWD says in her book.... "No contact mean no contact"

Just one day stalking OM's wife (which is contact because it includes or could include pictures and information about him) and she's off to the races talking and texting with OM's wife and talking about needing closure. This should be a big clue to you both that social media is a bad idea and continuing in that specific sport is probably a bad idea too. (switch to a different league or group - maybe endurance marathons or something - if biking is her strongest then go that route - at least a season or two?)

There is no closure. OM used her as much as and no more than she used OM to get their needs met. They weren't soul mates or a real couple that, were situations different, would or could have ended up together. It's dirty nasty adulterous behavior and whether he was using her or just doing her is irrelevant - because they were both married and shouldn't have been available for it either way.

PLUS - as much as OM's wife seems to participate in these phone calls and texts it's really cruel and abusive for your wife to keep communicating with her. She talks to your wife to keep tabs on her. She's merely "keeping her enemies close" and hoping to make sure your wife stays married to you; and, therefore unavailable for her husband. OM's wife THINKS it's helpful because she has a question mark about what her husband is doing every time he walks out the door so talking and texting your wife feels like it's helping but it's really cruel and prolonging her pain. She should be leaving that woman alone completely. It's almost like a rapist calling his rape victim to make sure she is recovering well, share the details of her "stop raping" counseling and pray for and with her.

I think I posted to you before and suggested MOVING AWAY.