Chapter 3. Let the detachment begin

[Melo]

Seemed pleasant enough biz. You accommodated her within reason while sticling to your guns. I think that if you continue she will respect your routine. Nice that you got to show off your bike as well. Nothin says man like a motorcycle.

[sandi2]

Sandi2 - Here are two questions from my last thread.

I'm guessing I should stick with the MC as it was my idea and he does not take any nonsense from her. That's why she quit before. So I'll stick with it - but I will not bring up reconciliation at all. Is that the right approach? I don't want to quit it because I should stick with my consistent actions right?

Not sure if this is what you wanted me to answer, but are the only questions I saw in the post.

Regarding the MC.........what is the main goal of being there? Is it to reconcile the M, or to learn how to communicate with each other, or how to co-parent, or do you even know?

I believe in sticking to consistent actions if they are the right actions to take. If they are working, stick with it.

I find it a little odd that you refer to your feelings for your W as an addiction. I'm not saying you are incorrect. For someone who doesn't seem to desire his W back home, the word addiction just doesn't fit for me, but whatever.

Have you read about codependency?

Maybe you've already done this at some time or another, but I suggest you google "people who want to fix everything" and read a little of what comes up when you type those words.

[J5K]

Bigy

I will be in TO this Saturday.

[bigybiz]

Great: I'll look for that post too.

[bigybiz]

Melo my friend. Thanks for the support. Let's hope a 20 year old 250cc has the impact you think it does.

[bigybiz]

Great: I can't wait to connect. Are we allowed to swap emails on this site? I was looking for the post you recommenced. Could not find it. Please give me a few more details if you can.

[J5K]

See if you can find me on FB.

[bigybiz]

You too. I just liked the 3 most recent posts on the DB FB page.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2 - I always want to you answer. Your input is invaluable.

MC - The very fact that she wanted to go back to the Dr is a good sign I think. Again, she may have felt pressured by the kids and I - so I'm not sure. She did not like the Dr. telling her that the MR breakdown was her fault too. She wants to blame - that's why she quit MC before. For now, I'm not going to backtrack - I will let it play out. Who knows maybe something at the Dr says will sink in.

I do want her back - but not the selfish, etc person she is now. I also realized that I don't want her back if something goes wrong and she feels like there is no where to go. I do want her back if she is "healed" and willing to show remorse and put our MR and Family 1st.

Addiction/Obsession - Sometimes the W and MR is all I think about. But, then I realize that all the steps I have been making really produced positive results for me. So it does not matter what initially motivated me - its the results that count. I am proud of the results and where I am. No one can take that away from me.

Yes, so much of my life is solving other problems clients, children, etc - often in high pressure situations. So it does not surprise me that you and others may think that the way I'm talking is about fixing her and the MR. Thanks for the heads up. If you are hearing/seeing that - so is she.

Right now, I know I'm a better person, father, etc. I'm proud of my accomplishments and OK with where I'm going without her.

So here is last night's story - I think I back tracked a little what does everyone think.

I arrived home around 8:15pm. She is supposed to stay until 9 when S10 starts his wind down routine. She is mad that she does not get to spend very much time with the kids and is telling everyone that I'm keeping her from them and forced her out of the house.

Well she is on the phone with her cell phone carrier - trying to fix her phone. S10 is upstairs on his ipod playing games, S15 is on his phone - D20 is working on her computer.

I get something to eat - I don't interrupt anyone, say almost nothing. Kid's make fun of my helmet hair.

At 8:40 she finally gives up and starts packing up her stuff to go to the cell phone store to get help. She yells upstairs goodbye to S10.

My guess is she is so upset that she can't keep in touch with her 2000 twitter followers and her other friends that she is willing to give up time with her kids.

Here is where I slipped. I offered her a ride to the store - mistake one and gave her a spare phone we have to use in case she can't get her's working. Mistake two.

Initially I was thinking I was being nice and showing my kids a good example. Now I think I was being a desperate enabler.

OK everyone let me know how I did.

[Cristy]

Hi Bigybiz,

It is safe to say that you answered your own question.

These are not terrible mistakes and I suspect that you are already getting back to your DB ways

It is a very good sign that your kids noticed that you were home and teased you about your helmet hair.

My favorite part of your post is when you said

Right now, I know I'm a better person, father, etc. I'm proud of my accomplishments and OK with where I'm going without her.

The good news is that you noticed your mistakes. It happens to everyone. Keep focusing all of your time, effort and energy on being the best Bigybiz and Dad that only a fool would leave.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004