WHs do come back--Piecing--

[Sotto]

Hi Blu, what you post is really helpful and it is always worth remembering that DBing is first and foremost for us - and if we can truly focus on ourselves, it will be 'money well spent' no matter what the outcome.

People always say that piecing is tough, and as you say, you may have made some decisions which you might change if you could go back - living apart for longer perhaps...etc.

Still, we can't go back and we make decisions from the place we are in at that time - and then we live the path we have chosen with all that brings.

When a M breaks apart due to an A - there are three possible outcomes:

The M is restored and strengthened, with greater connection and intimacy, after the A - a better M is created.

The M is restored, but the underlying issues never really addressed and so the M isn't great.

The M ends - either the WAS decides not to return (my case!) or the LBS decides to move on etc.

You've been lucky enough (I know - be careful what you wish for!) to have the A or B options. What do you think it would take from you both at this point - to create A? What do you need in order to feel more intimacy and connection in your M again. What would help you both heal from what has happened? What would help restore loving feelings?

From what I read, the times that couples spend together on healing, discussing, working and rebuilding are times well spent. I don't believe distance is the answer - and I think it is important to discuss why it is you are feeling distant and what you need at this point.

Have you read other threads on the forum where there has been a reconnection? I always think Labug is a wise poster and she and her H managed to rebuild things (I don't think he had an A though.) 25 years MLC is another wise poster.

I'm not sure if this is helping, but I was moved by your post and wanted to chime in. Hope you have a better day today Blu.

Xx

[roist]

I too just wanted to drop by to wish you well. I don't have any great insights but I share the feeling that many others have expressed.You have been a great help to many people here.TThank you for that. Nowi hope you find the support and advice you need.

Best wishes

[BluWave]

Thank you both for replying. Sotto, I agree with what you are saying completely.

I had a bad dream last night. You know those vivid dreams that when you wake up it feels as if it's really happening? In the dream I was watching H and some woman growing out an attraction. I could not tell if we were married or together, but it felt as if we were separated, and as if he felt he could do what he wanted. I was struggling with what to do and how to get through to him that he was going to have an A and he completely shrugged and dismissed me. I felt completely powerless. I knew the A was going to happen and that while H was present and being a Nice Guy, he was checked out and withdrawn.

When I woke up this morning I could barely look at him. Even though it was only a dream, those feelings are not unfamiliar. The entire time that EA was going on, and maybe years before, my H had boundary issues with women. Women always felt comfortable around him, talking to him, and opening up to him. He, being the Nice Guy and people pleaser, was present and attentive to these women. He didn't flirt or pursue them, but he was too available and then the friendships got blurry and they would pursue him. Only the one led to an actual A. So there the history began. And even before there was any A happening, I called him out on it and asked him to put up boundaries, and he never understood. It was terribly painful.

I'm rambling I guess. At the moment I am feeling somewhat numb. I do trust that H has learned from his mistakes and has changed. I think I just need more time to find myself and what makes me feel happy and secure. I certainly don't need that from him or any man. While we could work on the M, go back to MC, or really put more effort forth, I think right now I just need to honor myself more. I don't have it in me at the moment.

I am not going to let my M fall apart, but I still feel like I owe it to myself to detach further. I can't imagine feeling close to someone when I haven't learned to be happy on my own first. Plus we tried that already--there were many ups and intimate moments, but there were just as many painful ones.

Thanks for reading.
-Blu

[Coconut]

Blu, I feel extreme empathy for the pain you are feeling... I neither have to deal with the longevity of the A, nor the seriousness of their R that you suffer from. I'm not saying that any A is not painful, but I imagine that it is much more difficult to deal with when your S moves away from you and lives with the OP... Add on top of that the fact that you live in a small town, and have to see and hear from OP on a somewhat regular basis, and I pray God gives you the strength that you need to move onwards and upwards.

With that said, it seems to me like what you need is your husbands support and love, distancing yourself from him seems counter productive to me. You've decided to save your M, and that means having a S by your side that is there to support you when you need it, and vice versa. At some point you need to give yourself to your H, and him to you. You've done a year of hard work, instead of taking a break from that and detaching, why not take a break from the work and lean on your spouse? Let him in, let him carry you when you need it, it's either going to work or not, but it seems like to me, that you don't want to spend your life working on it and never reaping the benefits of that work.

I may be speaking out of turn, for you have much more experiencing with piecing than I do, but I would just love to see you happy, even if that happiness comes from a place that makes you vulnerable to more pain.

[BluWave]

Thank you, C-nut. The feedback is much appreciated actually. I have read your posts and I think you give great advice. Granted you do not always take your own advise, I still think you make many valid points. Haha.

I would agree that I could use a lot more love and support from H. He has never been much to initiate and that is also hard for me. He tends to be more of an observer and less to reach out or make plans. I know that is his nature, but it still hurts sometimes.

I guess I am just trying to be okay with it all. It would not feel natural for me to reach out to him right now. The M has proven to be long and there are many years ahead. Don't think I can force it at this point.

-Blu

[DDJ]

Hi Bluwave, perhaps your H does not know how to truly love. He cannot show you something that he does not comprehend.

Most people think that love is holding hands, butterflies in the stomach, sex - i was one of them.

Real love is action. Real love comes from God and it is our duty to pay that love forward. We must be selfless in our actions and never practice inaction. It is inaction that got us here today and only action will get us through this.

[Phoebe]

Blu, I finally am having a chance to get caught up a bit and I just have to tell you how sorry I am that you aren't feeling happier in you M these days. Your H hurt you terribly and your instinct is to prevent him from ever having that kind of power over you again. You want to feel some measure of safety from that risk.

On the other hand, I think that Sotto, Coconut, and others are on to something. Distancing is easier right now, and that is absolutely understandable, but it's not an approach that will nurture your relationship, and I can't imagine that either you or your H would prefer to remain where you are right now for the long haul. It would be a very sad state to be stuck in.

I guess what I'm suggesting is that you do what you need to for a little while longer if it helps you, but put a limit on this distancing phase, lest it become the new normal. If you can't see yourself ever being able to be fully open with him and vulnerable to him again, then perhaps saving your M may not be in your own best interest. Are you willing to settle for your R in its current form, were it to remain as it is today? Would your H be willing? If the answer is no, then you know what you will need to do - work through things or let it go.

I would also suggest that you talk frankly to your H about what you are feeling right now. If you don't feel emotionally safe, tell him that. If you feel lingering anger, tell him that, too. The reality is that right now it is his job to help you through this. He is the one that created the distrust and reluctance you are feeling. You can't learn to trust or feel safe with him until he is willing to show you that he is safe and trustworthy. I think that the lack of safety you feel with him is making distance and further detachment look like the more attractive option. He's not a mind reader, so you are going to have to tell him what you need.

Obviously I am far from the ideal person to be chiming in here. Know that if I have overstepped it was done out of care and concern. Only you can make decisions in how to proceed.

Wishing you well.

(((((((Blu)))))))

[BluWave]

Thanks everyone, for posting and for those of you simply reading or following my sitch. I know I was reading here for a long while before creating an account. It helped me get through some very hard times to know that I was not alone and that things would not be as they were forever. Sometimes when I felt so anxious, depressed, or helpless, I would come to the threads and just read for hours. So hello out there to you all--I was you--and you one day will be in a different place. That much I do know. :-)

Honestly, I am okay with the way things are for now. That is where I want to be, just to be at peace with my life and off the roller coaster. We are not in MC right now, we are not actively piecing per se, but we are okay. We get up, he makes my coffee, we go to work, we have balance with managing the kids and home, and we enjoy family time. There isn't much in the way of R talks, and H wants to create more definition to where we are--meaning what our expectations are from each other--and so I have been thinking about that. I wish he would put more effort forth into spending time together or initiating time just the two of us, but I am not going to dwell on it. I want my feelings for my M to be authentic and not forced.

So I have been reading other threads, but haven't stayed caught up enough to post, so I wanted to throw out an idea here. I think it's okay to not be in a hurry to make decisions and have to define the R. There is a lot of talk on other threads about needing to make decisions--to file or not to file, to move out or not, to tell the H/W that they expect this or else, etc, etc. And honestly, I see this all as a form of control. (C-nut, yeah I am talking to you too).

I am also reading that the wayward is acting the same way--threatening to move out, or file for D, or just needing to proclaim their position on where things stand. Again, I only see this as a form of control. When actions and words continue to come into conflict, then why not give ourselves permission to let it lie? Really think about this, what is the hurry to make any decision? Making decisions and taking action will not lead to feeling better, the regaining of control is just a crutch to ease the pain and loss of control.

So I just want to challenge some of you that are pressuring yourself or your spouse to make changes or to take action, that you should ask yourself how that will benefit you in the long run. It took time to know that we wanted to spend our life with this person, so it cannot be decided in a few weeks or months that we do not. When we try and rush (control others), we are only acting on emotions and ultimately do ourselves harm as we sabotage the M further.

-Blu

[BluWave]

Last night I did my own 180. I didn't let myself overthink, I decided to skip the R talk, and I just let myself be in the present. No R talks. No drama. But more so, I just accept that this is where we are. At bedtime things were light and airy, had a few laughs, and ultimately ML. It had been awhile and it was great. I know he still wants to talk and lay out where we are and what are expectations are of one another, but it didn't happen last night and that's ok. Sometimes it's ok to just let it be. And now that we have reconnected, I feel more open to that conversation.

I still get triggers. I still think about OW. The difference is that I am allowing those thoughts, not fighting them off, but more so not letting them consume me and weigh me down. She doesn't deserve that power. The sting is fading. Maybe that is simply because time is passing, but I like to believe it is because I am taking control and not allowing it to affect me so deeply. That's all I feel I really can control. That is all any of us can control really. The more you can DB and learn to love yourself again, the more strength you can gain and harden your shield from the painful thoughts.

-Blu

[Painter]

Blu, I am following your thread but it's a little painful so I don't comment... My H is currently living with OW in what was our home and I don't think we'll get back together. Or that it would even be healthy for me.

But the hope and dreams are there. H and I reconciled twice but he wasn't willing to do the work (according to our MC). I wish you the best of luck.