What should I be Doing (piecing 6)

[Ginger1]

What does her doing "work" look like to you?

[Coconut]

What does her doing "work" look like to you?

Good question, I had to think about this for a minute, I only looked at what has happened in the past and not what I would actually want in the future.

Just to give a quick overview of what has happened so far:

I gave up waiting for her to apologize for what she had done and how it effected me, and mentioned it in a discussion, that was when I got my first apology (prior to that she would only say things like I made a mistake, I can't believe I did it, etc.)

I suggested and set up counseling.

I initiate almost all (like 99%) physical contact (and it's not a lot), cuddling, hugs, ML, holding hands walking, back rubs, etc.

I told her I didn't like him on social media, then I had to specifically ask her to unfriend him on different forums as I realized he was on there as a friend.

I have started ALL R talks, and tell her how I'm feeling, she doesn't tell me anything unless I ask. She has never come to me and initiated talk about any feelings or anything else deep.

I always set up any "alone" fun time with us. She has only set up her own nights out with ff friends, and has occasionally invited me with them, but not a single plan with just the two of us.

there are more things, but you get the jist. So what does her putting in the work look like to me: (these are ideas, I would be open to different things as long as I felt like she did them with me/us in mind)

- Plan date nights
- Plan on spending down time without me instead of making plans with others (for awhile at least).
- Initiate R talks with me on occasion, or just let me know how she is feeling/wants/etc.
- Be open with me about contact with OM (but I am not mentioning this because I don't want her subconsciously looking out for him so she can make sure she tells me about it)
- Initiate some physical contact (I know your thinking it may not be her thing, but it always was so I have a hard time believing that changed)
- and anything else that makes me believe I and our M are her priorities

I'm not very good with this R stuff, so not sure if these are realistic or what would really be good to see. thoughts?

[Ginger1]

I think they are reasonable needs. You want her to let you know she cares for you and by actions and investment in the MR.

However, she may be following your lead because she is scared to take the lead. She may not know exactly where you are, or be worried about scaring you off. She might feel its touchy territory and will reciprocate if you lead, but might be scared to lead.

Maybe letting what you need be known is not a bad idea. Not details. Just that if she took the lead in your R every now and then it would make you feel loved and give you comfort she wants to work on the MR. something to explore in MC, perhaps.

Seems to me you are good at this R stuff. You are making a sincere effort. She might want to also, she just might scared.

[Coconut]

well, I just received a two page email from my W... makes me wonder if she somehow found this site. I did not see this coming and now I need a little bit of time to really read it and understand what she is saying. Here's the email.

I’ve been trying to find the best way to express my feelings to you about this whole situation. I want you to know how very sorry I am and how embarrassed I am about my actions. While the past 2 years have left me feeling like I we were roommates, I never thought that I would allow myself to be emotionally, let alone physically involved with anyone else. From the moment I said “I do”, you were my forever, my person, my partner. I don’t know where we went wrong as a couple because I always thought that we had such a great relationship…a relationship that others were envious of. However, somewhere along the line our relationship went from love to friendship.

I do think that the start of our troubles happened when I found out that we couldn’t have children together. I wanted nothing more than to have a baby….babies with you and when I found out that I couldn’t I died a little inside. I felt like a failure. I didn’t feel like a complete woman. I tried to bring up adoption with you and/or using an egg donor but I felt like you were not open to the idea or even open to talking about the idea which was devastating to me. I didn’t feel supported by you and from the comments that you’ve made recently, I feel like you were not honest with me about your true feelings on not being able to have a biological child. I felt defeated by not being able to have another child and defeated by not feeling like I could talk to you about other options. This is something that makes me sad and a little angry to this day. I’ve not been able to close that book.

After we bought our new house, I thought we were going to make a fresh start. I thought things would be great. We had a new house in a family oriented neighborhood, S could make new friends and we could really build a life for ourselves. However, you went into your depression stage and things went downhill. I feel like I knew deep down that you were depressed and to be honest I didn’t know what to do to help you. I thought that I was being supportive and trying to get you out of your rut but I realize now that I didn’t try hard enough. That I should have sat you down and told you straight that your behavior is affecting our relationship and my feelings for you. I didn’t do that and I realize now that it needed to be done. I’m sorry that I didn’t try harder. I’m sorry that I didn’t call you out on your behavior and I’m sorry for not telling you how angry I was at you for it.

Fast forward to my major screw up; I can’t say I’m sorry enough. It kills me to know how badly I hurt you and I will always regret my actions. I know that you feel like I don’t try hard enough and I want to choose the Fire Department over you but that’s not true. For the last 16 years, I have dedicated my life to raising S. I know that this is a sore subject for you and I’m sorry for that but there’s no other love that can take the place of a mother’s love. You are the love of my life and my partner but he is my son and he has to come first. Next to him, you are the most important person in my life and I don’t want to live life without you. That being said, I have found something that I’m very passionate about and something that will help me deal when my baby boy leaves me for college. I have a hard time trusting that you will be there for me and fill that void because you weren’t there for me (as I wanted you to be) after my diagnosis and you haven’t really been there for me over the last 1 ½ to 2 years. It’s not about choosing you over the Department. It’s about choosing me, protecting me because I feel like I have to because I don’t know if I can count on you going forward. I realize that part of our rocky relationship is due to my screw up and now we are in a bad situation because of what I’ve done but the feeling of being alone in this relationship has been with me for years and I’ve just dealt with it.

You are asking me to give up something that I love and will help me when Son leaves because of my screw up and I know that but there are no guarantees that we will work out. There is nothing stopping you from leaving me tomorrow but I will always have a safe place with the Department and people that have been very supportive to me there. I know you hate that place but they are very much a family and I feel like I belong there. It gives me a safe place and I feel like I’m doing something good, something that I am proud of and something that makes son proud of me. I feel like I am being a good role model and example for him by being part of the Department. Asking me to give it up is asking me to give up my safe place and everything that the Department stands for.

I hate that it upsets you that he is at the station. I promise you that I do everything to avoid him. I want to get though the Academy and graduate and then I have every intention of asking my Captain if there’s any way that I can transfer to another station and what that process is. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable but I don’t want to give up being a part of this amazing opportunity either. I’m sorry that you don’t feel like I have done everything I need to do to make amends for my actions and I want to try to do better. I do come home straight from the station now unless I’m picking son up or I get food and if I deviate from going straight home, I text you to let you know. We live a minute from the house so I didn’t think it was necessary to text you when I get out because my focus is on getting home so you don’t have to worry and I get home so quickly. If it makes you feel better I will also text you as I’m leaving. I will also try to limit my social media usage while we are together so that I can focus on spending quality time with you and rebuilding our relationship. I apologize for not placing the same importance or at least understanding the importance from your perspective of deleting him from my Instagram account or FB page.

You may not see it but I am really trying. Although I know that I need to agree to certain terms, it is difficult for me to feel like I’m losing my independence. Being accountable for my every action makes me feel like I’m a child again and it’s very difficult and frustrating for me. Again, I understand that it’s because of what I’ve done but it doesn’t make it any easier to feel like a child or like I am under house arrest so I’m sorry that I haven’t lived up to your expectations of how I should be acting during this time and I will try to do better. I love you and I am truly sorry for the hurt I have caused you. I hope we can try to move forward from here.

[EDF]

A lot to process, feel free to take your time as you say. If your wife wants to go into it before you're ready don't hesitate to just let her know that you appreciate her sharing her feelings and you need more time to process things. I wish I had done that more before some of my bigger conversations.

Overall I see a lot positive there.

One random thought I had while reading the post:

I want to get though the Academy and graduate and then I have every intention of asking my Captain if there’s any way that I can transfer to another station and what that process is.

I don't see why that (inquiring) would need to wait; As I recall the Captain seemed pretty understanding of the difficult situation so I wouldn't think getting such information ahead of time would be frowned upon. He doesn't seem to want unnecessary drama any more than you guys do.

Hope your day is going well Coconut!

[EDF]

Annnnd my WW just sent me an email titled 'My Thoughts'... something in the water?

[Coconut]

Maybe Oprah had a special on getting over an A, and suggested writing letters.

[Stormchaser]

If my W could write down how she thought, I'd think it would be exactly what yours said.

I, too, struggle with my W and OM working together. Your W echoed what mine has said verbally to me. My W has worked her ASS off to get to where she is in her profession and is finally reaping the financial rewards. For her to quit (which I believe she would) would cause a lot of financial hardship, as well as having to start at the bottom of the ladder at 50.

Odd how we are similar - I also went through a devastating depression to which therapy nor meds worked. She tried, but I pushed her away by curling up in a fetal position, only coming out to work and eat. I ignored everyone - her, the kids, my job performance suffered. And yes, she says she should've tried harder. The worse she felt, the more the OM played her.

That's not to say she had no choice. She knows she could've said no. I'm lucky in that once discovered, she immediately sought therapy for herself and both of us.

The irony was, finding out about the affair ripped me out of my depression and steered me into recovery. Our MC says the affair was likely a wake up call for both of us.

Your W's letter has helped me reconsider my stance on them working together. I do believe they are no longer communicating, she repeatedly says how much she loathes his presence. Maybe down the road HE will lose his job there, which would be my dream.

[betterm]

Maybe down the road HE will lose his job there, which would be my dream.

"... i know a guy" ... that can make this happen.

[sandi2]

I see how you could suspect her of finding your thread.  Seems she hit a lot of highlights of your complaints.  

Let me just say this, Coconut.  If I had not already been here on this board when I ended my A, I am not at all certain that I would have known what was expected of me (regarding reconciliation).  However, I had the LBH's telling me what my H was feeling (b/c my H wasn't talking about his feelings) and telling me what I needed to do for him.  Remember, I was not remorseful, and  I did not apologize.  I just made a decision to do the right thing and stay in my M.  My resentment and disrespect was still there in my heart. It took a long time before I could genuinely apologize to my H.  If I had not had a few people teaching me about transparency and how important it was to earning trust and healing the MR, I doubt I would have done it.  My H did not request I do it, but I learned a few new tools from the board, so I volunteered to do it.  Experientially, I learned it probably helped me just as much as it did my H. 

My point is that you have been the one here getting all this DB information.  Where do you think you'd be in your MR if you had never joined the board?  I remember when you were just going to shuck it off and act as if nothing ever happened.  Then you'd swing the other way and want to dump your W and find someone new............and even told us about the new woman you had met. Oh, and remember how your sex interest went from nothing to "wanting to seal the deal"?  That is all you could rhink about, until you finally had sex. Then, you start thinking about exposing the A/OM on the FF website. You just wouldn't let it go until you finally did it.

You started the last thread by telling us how positive everything was going, even saying that now you & W are having a lot of intimacy.  Then your mood changes and you get more angry b/c she hasn't suffered consequences...and she's not working hard enough...and you are going to tell her you are out of there in a month if she can't produce enough of whatever.....b/c you don't even know what you want her to do.  The only thing you can point at is the FF.  

Well, I can understand her frustration, and I understand her feeling as if she's a child.  I certainly understand a lot of what she must be going through emotionally.  But here's the real kicker, Coconut, and she hit it square on the head when she said she feels she has to protect/provide for herself b/c she can't count on you to be there for her in the future.  In other words, she is saying she felt she had to go on and make a future for herself, find her own happiness, fill her life with something meaningful........b/c her H wasn't there for her.  

She was vulnerable for an affair, and so was I.  It was still wrong.  We have to own our wrongs.  It sounds as if that's what she is trying to do in this letter.  She has apologized, repeatedly.  Perhaps you have not seen the response you want to see, IDK.  You are hurt and you want her to suffer, and right now, you seem to think she hasn't had any consequences.  However, some of those were bypassed b/c of you, and some b/c she was willing to stay in the MR and work to save it.  

I told you once before that I didn't think she would stop the FF, and I still don't think she will stop.  If you decide to leave b/c of it, then I think you need to prepare to divorce.  I'm just saying that she's not going to stop FF.  So, it is your choice to stay or leave the M.  Just don't do it believing she will end her FF for you.  

You have acted on your emotions and then you would have to back up when you saw you messed up. I have seen this thought of leaving her spinning around in your head, just like the exposure was doing. Please, don't do something out of your anger. I think you will regret it, of you do.