"I have to tell you, you dropped a bomb on me last weekend. I thought we had a chance but you made it crystal clear you were done and just want separation. You asked me to think about it and I have. You've left me no choice but to look at a separation and how we can manage it amicably. This wasn't at all my where I wanted us to go but I have no control over it and I have accepted that. My call to the MC was to see if she can facilitate something like this - and she strongly recommended it. Thank you for agreeing to go."
I had sent this in response to her agreeing to go. It was an emotional response mostly because of her irrational response from our conversation earlier. I always end up feeling I didn't say what needed to be said and felt I should at least make this clear. Probably shouldn't have said anything more but its done. She did not reply.
I think you're text was good; I don't think you did any harm by sending it. (But what do I know?)
From my own experience with my wife and MC, I think your wife sees it as your problem, none of it is hers, and you need fixing, not her or the marriage. Thus, in her mind, MC is a superfluous waste of money and time.
Be prepared; it probably won't go well, but you might be pleasantly surprised.
Doodler, I think you're right. I think my wife looks as me as broken. Throughout all of her relationships over the years I've never heard her once say one of them was a good guy (sounded like they weren't but who knows - I only get her side of the story). It's always been what awful and abusive people they were. I guess I'm the next one in line! Can't wait to hear the stories she makes up about me - she already denies facts and doesn't acknowledge things she says. It's a big part of what we've fought about for years.
My W and I still hang out with our mutual friends but don't talk to each other when we are out and with them. Last night there was few people getting together at a friends back yard and as I am studying for an exam and have had enough of this situation said she should go ahead without me (she went and I stayed home). She texted me today saying our best friend couple wanted to have us over for dinner and I said go ahead without me (we've been doing these sort of things regularly until now) and she says 'well they won't without you so I'll just say no'. I didn't respond. I get another text a few minutes later saying 'So you just aren't doing anything with me anymore - is that how you're handling it?'. I didn't respond. She met me at my sons baseball game and asked if I saw the text and if I was going to respond. I said I will later. She said I just want to know if this is the way things are going to be from now on and I told her first and foremost I'm studying but I don't see what difference it makes in any case (was referring to the current state of our relationship but couldn't really talk where we were). I don't understand what she expects. She said something about being friends and I thought to myself I'm not looking for my wife to be just friends. That was earlier this afternoon and I thought about bringing it back up with her but I'm going to let it go and leave it all until we go to the MC Tuesday to discuss anything more. I have no idea what she is thinking. At this point I just want to know if she is done with me, then let me know 100% so I can move on. If she still has feelings for me, then also let me know. I've made my feelings and intentions clear - I can't handle this limbo anymore.
Having one of those bad emotional days as of the moment I woke up this morning. The reality of the situation is slowly sinking in and inescapable and I broke down for a good half hour this morning (pulled it together just seconds before my wife entered the room to get some clothes). I so want things to work out between us but she is so completely checked out these days - which is why it surprised me yesterday her being upset about us not doing things together. But, she may just be stringing me along to try and keep the house as long as possible and keep me emotionally invested in her. I've even starting to wonder if me getting a full-time job would make things better for us but perhaps it's just a way for her to ensure she'll get support payments. I didn't used to think she would do these sorts of things and still have a hard time believing it but at this point, she is emotionally checked out and going on with her life so I just don't know anymore. My being there with her obviously does not matter. I don't know what she wants anymore. I'm trying to refrain from talking to her about any of this until we go see the MC Tuesday. I think the MC intends to present separation forms and go through them with us and see what happens. When I think of the kids and the bomb that is going to get dropped on them it quite honestly brings me to tears. These poor kids - all they want is a happy family. What they are about to get is their parents spliting up and selling the family home. Their family life is about to be ripped from beneath their feet. I don't think my W even cares (or somehow doesn't truly think selling the house will actually happen).
Let me ask you guys this, and I'm being very honest here, I'm living afraid of losing her but she is slowly slipping away anyway. When we go to see the MC Tuesday and the MC starts going through the separation forms I believe the MC is going to use this as an opportunity to sort of double check we both want to go through with this. I'm going to defer to my wife to answer first for sure and see where that goes - sure it will be nothing positive. When it comes to me, I don't want to play games and want to be honest but at the same time I want to be firm and maintain my dignity (it's all I have left at this point). So do I say I only see two options moving forward, 1) if my wife no longer has any feelings for me then we need to separate and sell the house and move on with our lives (or am I setting something in motion too soon here), 2) If she still has feelings for me, we should talk about this further, if for nothing else to be able to say to the kids that we tried everything to save the marriage. I'm trying to avoid grey area options like one of us moving out or building a basement apartment and one of us living in there (these are 2 options my wife suggested besides selling the house). Neither one of these are realistic.
My message to my wife on Tuesday really is that this is the fork in the road for us and our family. We either work together to save it or we tear it all apart.
On the subject of moving out, I've read all sorts of conflicting articles about one of the parties moving out, how sometimes it can save a marriage but most often on these forums I've read that it doesn't help. My W has brought up me moving out a number of times over the past 6 months with the apparent intent for her to see is she misses me and then potentially rekindle our relationship. I'm not sure she even feels this way anymore to be honest - she seems done. What's been your experience with this? I'm not speaking from a legal perspective, just potential reconciliation.
I think I agree with darkness. I think the question is not does your wife have feelings for you or not. I think the question is, is your wife committed to the marriage.
I don't know if my H has romantic feelings for me, but he is committed to trying to feel those feelings again. For now, that's enough.
I take the long view that marriage is for life, so how you feel at any given moment is not as critical as your commitment and your recognition that in a long relationship, feelings will have their ups and down.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Those are good points and sentiments I identify with, I don't think she does. And she'll likely say she's felt this way for a long time, not just a moment.
Do you find you take a stronger stance in your position with your W since being on the AD's? You know in your head the position you need to take, that is to move on since the wives feel we're not what they want. But you really have to be committed to following through with it - and that's not going to be easy. I plan to make a similar statement to the W at MC session on Tuesday night and see where that takes me. But I have to be committed to following it through. I guess I have to believe however she reacts. If she just says, yup, he's right, we need to move on then I need to be able to move forward right there and then with the separation planning. That's the reason why we are there in the first place (or at least that's why I told my wife we needed to go). I guess I want to find out if she is willing to go through with this.
Those are good points and sentiments I identify with, I don't think she does. And she'll likely say she's felt this way for a long time, not just a moment.
I dont think you are quite understanding me correctly. Sorry I was short in my last message; it's difficult to quote and type in detail on my phone.
You said this: [quote-James3]So do I say I only see two options moving forward, 1) if my wife no longer has any feelings for me then we need to separate and sell the house and move on with our lives (or am I setting something in motion too soon here), 2) If she still has feelings for me, we should talk about this further, if for nothing else to be able to say to the kids that we tried everything to save the marriage. [/quote] You are talking about deciding major life choices based on your W's current feelings. If you ask her tomorrow, she will 100% guaranteed say that she has no feelings for you. My point is that it DOESNT MATTER. Feelings change. Thats what they do. What you are saying above is like saying "Im not hungry right now, so I will never eat again" - you clearly understand that that makes absolutely no sense. So why would you apply the same idea to your wife?
MY recommendation to you is to review your goals. What actions will get you closer to achieving those? THATS what you should be using as the basis for your decisions.
