Shh . . . Nobody Use the Dreaded "M" Word

[mleigh4]

You handled that great with H! Keep being the leader and example of showing unconditional love. HW, you truly amaze me. I am so glad you were all able to celebrate the day

[Bee29]

I agree with previous posts. When we bought our house some years ago, it was new construction of around 35 houses. We were all more-less same age & had kids more-less same age. We all knew each other & regularly bbq-ed in a small park or rather green area between the houses. Then couples started to separate & divorce. And, you guess right, those we all envied how great couples they were, were the first ones to split. We were all shocked every time the news came out about such couple. And people are shocked when they hear about our separation too. Some even say that if we didn't make it then they have no chance... And, BTW, my husband was always shocked when we heard about someone having an affair but now his high standards seem much more relaxed.

I remember one day we both came home during the lunch break & our new neighbour, who we didn't know yet but saw a few times since they moved in, was passionately kissing in his car some lady which was not his wife. We saw them through the window, he probably thought everyone is at work at that time of the day. Since then we saw him several times coming home during the lunch break & the lady coming to his house a few minutes after. My h referred to him as "the cheater" since then. One day, after I discovered the affair of my h & he told me something about this guy I told him that he should stop calling him that as he is no better... He was not happy about it.

BTW, some sucess story for people who like to hear them on this board: I assume his wife discovered his affair as several months after we saw him they separated. We did not see him for more than half a year. Then one day he appears & they seem happy again. For several years now... Though they don't come for bbq but often play games with their kids on the street, go for walks together etc.

[HaWho]

Mleigh - thanks for the support. I really appreciate it.

Bee - thank you for the reminder that you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

So, just a quick update here. The last few days h has been texting me asking a bit about what the kids are up to/what their plans are for the day. This is very different from last summer where h literally seemed unaware that he had kids.

S12 is starting to be quite a teenager on certain fronts and was giving me some grief. I mentioned it to h since he asked about them and he stepped up and helped. I praised and thanked him.

He did however send me a nasty text, actually 6 quick ones. All in that irritable MLC tone. I had made a mistake with something and h jumped all over that. A year ago I would have reacted and all that. Now, I just texted back "whoops, sorry!" I ignored the nasty tone completely; it just wasn't worth a moment of energy. A few hours later he texted something unrelated; very friendly.

This whole week I have heard from him each day via text. A few times, there have been conversations that follow and a little bit of joking, even.

Also, three times in the last day he has called me by his nickname for me. It does not seem to be accidental and he doesn't seem surprised it slipped out. Weird. Yesterday, the first time he used my nickname, he tested it out on the dog and with his back to me. (Very safe for him.). He told the dog "don't worry, I know you want me to do that for you, not HaWho." I said nothing and gave absolutely no reaction other than to laugh as it was kind of funny.

Then he called me it twice today. It's odd given all his crazy behavior, but where I used to bristle and react, now I just don't. Now that s12 is becoming a teenager I see so many similarities in their hot/cold behavior. I don't try to read into what it means because I am not new to this rodeo and so I know it can and eventually, will all change. Truly, S12 and h are so similar, that sometimes, I imagine setting them up in bunk beds!

Also noteworthy, this week, he has started to initiate some conversations when we are in a room together and with eye contact.

Peek out continues.

[HaWho]

Well, I have a feeling I inadvertently ended h's peek out to an end.

Last night S10 and I took the dog for a hike. On the way back we stopped for ice cream. As I pull into the lot, we see h walking and talking on his phone. I pull up to say hi and roll down the window. As his eyes meet mine, there is a look I have never seen. I can't really describe it. Fatigue maybe? He quickly says "gotta go" and hangs up on whoever he is speaking with. This is so lame. He hung up on the person.

I say: "oh we didn't mean to make you end your conversation so abruptly" and I just stare at him. He looks only at s10 and makes eye contact with me only once. It is a flash and his eyes are dead and tired. It's the same look he gave me when I asked him what was going on pre-BD and he lied to my face.

He is jittery. He does this thing where he mock punches S10's hands. He re-composes himself and says "let's all go see S12 playing basketball." I say no, we are getting ice cream and plus we already checked in on him, I say.

We leave. At home, when he walks in, he makes no eye contact with anyone and he looks like a beaten dog. He does not come out of his room at all. In fact he locks himself in there and when S10 comes to say goodnight, h unlocks the door and meets him there, blocking the room.

In the morning he avoids me completely. He says "good morning" with his back to me and when he is half way out the door. And he leaves with S10 to do stuff.

It is hard not to read the worst into his shroud of secrecy. Although in my own depression, I did this too. Anytime I was having a conversation and he happened upon me, I ended it curtly. I don't know why. I just wanted privacy.

Anyway, I did spin a bit. I would ask him with whom he was speaking but there are rugs that lie less.

I brushed myself off and had a good day. That is something different from a year ago. I am thankful that on this front, I have a 100% clean conscience. I can't deny, it hurts to see him so secretive and to imagine the worst, but I am thankful that I have never dishonored myself in my marriage. I am glad I am me and not him.

It's on him. And I think he'll be running and avoiding me.

[Sotto]

Hi HaWho, ugh I hate the whole secrecy thing and I can understand you feeling upset about that. In my sitch of course, that 'unexplained' odd behaviour turned out to be OW contact - but it could also be general 'I don't want you to know about my stuff' behaviour too and I sincerely hope it's the latter.

Whether you want to go down the road of doing some checks is up to you of course. You are living separately, and so you may feel you want to stay as you are and not 'go there.'

Hopefully others will chime in with some better advice than me too, and I hope you are managing to have a nice weekend despite that yucky interaction.

Take care (and remember that this stuff is on him - you have inner class however things unfold.) xx

[job]

Sounds like your h feels guilty for being on the phone w/someone. Maybe he thinks you caught him. Whatever the reason he's acting guilty, just ignore the behavior. He'll be back to normal as soon as he thinks the dust has settled.

[HaWho]

Thanks Sotto for the understanding. It means a lot coming from you. It is all so icky.

Job - I have ignored it all and am just acting as if. I have made a point of making direct eye contact each time he comes into the room. Last night he seemed to come back to making direct eye contact.

I must say it is not easy to ignore the weird behavior. But then I run myself in this circle: if I ask with whom he was speaking I won't believe him anyway so what's the point of asking?

This morning he took S10 out for a little bit. Then he went into the dorm room and created another depressing MLC song, because apparently, there just aren't enough of those 'yet'. On the bright side, thank goodness there's a new release as I will have something new to listen to for the next month!!! Ha ha.

My kids made plans with friends and I have made my own plans for the afternoon. It's a beautiful day here and I plan to enjoy it!

Thanks again Sotto and Job. Happy Sunday everyone.

[mleigh4]

Hi HW. I hate that dreaded secrecy behavior, I really do. When you start spinning, keep your focus on your own stand up behavior, just like you said. The truth always shows itself eventually, I say don't waste your energy on looking for it. Instead, stand tall that you have remained an honest, faithful, caring, loving, strong and balanced person throughout all the chaos.

I swear, this is what gets me through every day. Hang in there

[Esame]

HaWho it does sound like more random behaviour fe your H, apparently sometimes there is no end to the lies and the deception. My H changed his phone password again, and he will not even check the time on it when I'm nearby in case... In case of what? I told him I'm not snooping around, I don't think it would help. Clearly while I'm putting up with his rejection and his harsh behaviour he has other things keeping him preoccupied. And he think I actually care. Anyway, back to your H, keep up the "ignoring him and his crazy" act, good luck with it all x

[HaWho]

Thank you Mleigh. Thank you so, so much for the amazing pep talk. I would love to have 1/2 the strength and dignity you convey. Funny thing? You are a little over a year ahead of me in this mess. When I first joined and I read how long you were standing, I remember thinking: "there is no way I can do what she has done and for that long. It is not possible." Hmm.

I want to electrocute him with his own cell phone. I am so tired of the secrecy around that stupid phone.

I forgot to tell you all that the day h came to help me with the tow guy? Well, when I took his car he had inadvertently left "Precious" (my name for his beloved cell phone) in the seat beside me. Ha ha. And no, I did not look.

When he pulled up, he ran over and frantically started looking for the phone and went through it right in front of me! He practically turned the whole car over looking for Precious. I have to start having some fun with this to keep myself sane. When we leave the house one day, I am ready to turn to him and ask, innocently, "do you have Precious?"

Anyway, in the '6 Wives of Henry VIII', I am up to wife #3. I had merely a glossed over historical understanding of Catherine of Aragon and Anne Boleyn. Once you really understand the nitty gritty, I tell you, Catherine of Aragon could have been an LBS among us all. And Henry shows almost all signs of MLC! His re-writing of history and his resorting to emotional decision making is astounding! The way things play out with OW #1, Anne Boleyn, is exactly as is predicted should happen with MLC affair.

Catherine of Aragon was a legendary woman. What she endured as her life story is truly remarkable.