14 days of sheer hell - to get to heaven

[DDJ]

So i had the audacity to ask if she'd be open to cut out all of her friends including her BFF, and going out (as OM2 is overseas for 2 months) to stop the D, and i got a "maybe, i must think about it". LOL

[sandi2]

I want to say something and you may or may not take it in the right spirit.........I am hoping you will.

If your troubles have caused you to seek God and live a life pleasing to him, then that part is good. I hope you are studying the Bible and have a pastor or teacher to guide you along the way. When left to our own human wisdom, we can often read a very different meaning in scripture, to make it fit our viewpoint. You once said that you had been out of church for many years, or never was that deep into religion (I can't remember the exact words). Then you immediately began telling others what God hates, what he wants us to do, what you are telling God, and other things along this subject. I am concerned about some of your concepts, but this is not the place to get into a theological discussion. My main concern, for you DDJ, is that you be very careful of things you say and of self-righteousness. (You can't hear my voice, but I'm using very soft and carrying tones).

I have self-righteous betrayed spouses in past times, and I honestly don't think they saw it in themselves. IMHO, it somehow tied in with their W being the one who did wrong and they were the "right" spouse. Their SR had heavy tones of anger. These were H's who managed to get their WW back, but was left with a bitter taste for quite a while.

I am not suggesting that anyone shouldn't have the emotions they feel after betrayal. Speaking as a former WW and from the VP of my side of the street, I will tell anyone that self-righteousness will not serve the betrayed spouse in the MR. Never! It is one thing to be a lighthouse, but quite another to have a self-righteous attitude. The SR attitude does not shine a light of love. It mainly causes a person to look like an a$$. I don't think that is what you want to do.

But, how many of us say - what is God trying to show us by taking the one person that we love "away" from us? Maybe he's telling us that we need to put Him first. The one problem with the DB theory is that it forgets God's role within a MR, and that He accepts, yet frowns upon D.

This is only your opinion and how you are trying to project your spiritual philosophy.

So do I hang on to her and not let her go OR do i do the "right" thing, regardless as to whether i want to hold on. The answer to that question is always YES. Always do what YOU believe is the right thing, regardless of how you feel. I think sadhub said that best.
This feels more right than anything I have ever done in my entire life. I think that more people should be accepting of the consequences of their actions and inactions, and move forward.

If you are a Christian, then you learn the teachings of the Lord and follow His "rights". If not, you follow whatever your spiritual system teaches. Yes, you follow the principles, standards, moral integrity that was taught as you were growing up. Hopefully, they line up with your spiritual belief...........but whenever man is involved, there is room for error. I have seen very bad teaching from some parents.

I get a strong sense you want your W to be punished. I am concerned you may be giving her a picture of one who has elevated himself, b/c she is a sinner and he is blameless and right.

When you left here, I thought you were on your way to divorce. Suddenly, you are back and talking about how God hates divorce. DDJ, I believe you want to be here giving everyone advice, b/c that it is how you came on board in the very first post. And that's okay if you will allow yourself to still be a learner. Whenever a teacher prepares to present a lesson before his class, do you know who learns the lesson first? Whenever a preacher prepares for his sermon, do you know who gets the message first? If we intend to save anyone from drowning, what must we do first?

But instead, we fight, we hang on even though it feels unnatural - the anxiety, the insomnia - it goes away when you accept that you have no control over someone who no longer respects, cares or loves you. Sandi says drop them, and I say that D is a great way to do it. (sorry sandi - lol)

I have never been happier in my life, (I may be delusional but) i am filled with joy. I have never slept so well in my life. I taste food like i've never tasted before. I feel emotions I have never felt before. I can see tomorrow, even further and everything that has happened over the last 3 months is a blur. My aim when i joined this forum was to detach and be the person only a fool would leave - I believe that I have done this. I believe that God has given me an out in D to find Him and our own happiness, in Him.

You kind of use some things I've said out of context, too.

I wish I could believe you are happy, but I don't. Neither do I think God is a respector of man, and makes an exception for one over the other.

I tell you what, before trying to make such a big decision about to divorce or not, why not just separate from her and see how well you do with the detachment? There's your real problem, DDJ.

[DDJ]

Thank you Sandi. I appreciate your words as always.

Yes, there is a thin grey line between been righteous and self-righteous. Between being selfless and selfish.

Here's the thing, I have no bitterness towards my WW. She is doing what she is because she is following her heart. For her it feels right to blame me for everything. It feels right to express her "love" to and for someone else (perhaps sexually).

I also do not feel betrayed by her. As we know, I am 50% to blame for this, until the point of cheating. I never knew what love was, so could never show her what it meant. I believe that I do now, but have hardened my heart to her, become a WAS.

I might come across as an a-hole to her, I agree, but i am no longer concerned about her feelings, well not much.

As for my spirituality, well, I feel a sense of purpose that I never had before. i also said that the further I get from my WW, the closer I get to finding myself. I was with her today for almost 3 hours and I lost myself to her in that time. I got sucked into the familiarity of it all. But here's the thing, I feel alone when I'm with her, in terms of a connection to God. It's like she's a magnetic field blocks out any sense of understanding. Like she's a drug, blinding me.

Only this evening, when I was away from her for many hours later did I feel as though I was not alone. I really can't explain it. It just feels right without her in my life.

I asked a friend, how does she deal with being single. She said that you learn to be happy alone. I replied "I am happy alone". I believe that I am detached, I have no anxiety, no insomnia, no tension, I am at peace. i really am.

Lastly, there is no possible way to separate without the divorce. She refuses to move out and I refuse to relinquish the house to save a M in which my WW does not respect, care or love me. Remember that on my side, I never really loved her either. I do not see it as a big decision, I see it as the right one.

[DDJ]

Am i doing it to make up for all the wrong decisions that I have made in the past - possibly. But thats the thing. When do i draw the line and say that enough is enough - Today I do the right thing according to my belief system, regardless of how i feel in my heart.

And I am not punishing my WW for her actions. All three of us are hurting. I heard a line that went "Mercy is what pu$$ies offer when they don't want to face the reality of their situation".

[Sotto]

Hi DDJ, I think that was a really insightful post from Sandi, with much food for thought. I think if we can approach these decisions with a long term view and humility, that is the best way.

I would agree that perhaps a S is worth considering instead of jumping straight to D. It's also a good idea to dig a little deeper into the 'do I want to punish here' theme. After all, what your W is doing right now is only what you yourself have done in the past - we are none of us infallible after all.

Hope you have a good weekend

[Rose888]

I agree with Sotto. There is a lot of meat in Sandi's post, and it doesn't sound like you are really hearing what she is saying or digging deep into yourself.

You give your wife a lot of power and control over you. If being in her presence wipes out your connection to God for hours after you've left her, you clearly haven't figured out how to detach and be your own person.

Detachment isn't just for unhealthy relationships. Learning to self-validate instead of getting your validation from your partner is a critical skill for having a healthy relationship. It's actually harder to learn on your own than in a relationship.

You seem to think that all your flaws and work are in the past, and that you can waltz into a healthy relationship with a new woman.

From what you've shared on the board, that seems unlikely.

[DDJ]

So i've not been back for more than a month. I got DIVORCED today. Yes people, the big D, pity not the big DD's.

Anyhows, I feel good, not sad. I am joyful and at peace. My journey is something that people will never believe, because it's not supposed to make sense. If anyone wants to venture back to my first posts, good luck if you find it, but I am a different person.

The person typing this is reborn in so many different ways. Here's the question that I would like to get an answer to - "What would you do to save yourself - would you sacrifice your marriage?"

I will give more feedback on my journey over the last month, soon enough.

[betterm]

DDJ, I would say I'm sorry to hear about the final D, but instead... I'm happy for you. It's unfortunate that it can take such a horrible event in our lives to show us that we need to re-evalute ourselves to get the most of out of our lives, and the best future we can imagine for ourselves...

Your question is one that I've been thinking about lately, and it seems you've taken a path that many on here see as something they would rather die than accept as their new way of life. I'm proud of you, as proud as someone who's only known you for the past 3 months or so could be... Welcome back to the forums, and I hope you stick around to keep posting your updates - maybe I'll find you in the "Surviving the Big D" forums here in a few weeks if nothing else.

I'll respond back to your post to me separately, to not flood your thread with my story/process.

[Natus]

Heyo Long time no see. Been wondering what DDJ been up to.

[DDJ]

@betterm, thank you. I could not fall asleep last nite and cried in the car on the way to work this morning. But not from sadness, from joy. It does not make sense, i know, but i have no hurt or pain, although i feel others' hurt and pain.

Also, why do we have to survive the big D - WHY CAN'T WE THRIVE!!!

So let me shed more light on what i've been up to...

I used the DB way to save myself, Sandi's rule's really do work. I knew that if my XWW wanted back in, that it was too late. Boundaries had been crossed and she didnt care about me anymore.

Talking about Sandi, she'd always say that she never understood why WW's always want to be up in our biz, text late at night, never want to leave us to live our own lives - well i figured it out.

RESPECT. They have none. None for the sanctity of M, none for their children, their homes, their health, their pets, their everything. They are so consumed by their own selfish desires (now someone else) that nothing matters, not relationships with best friends, with employers, with good hygiene. LOL

So what must we do - cling on to someone like that - shyt, life is too short. So i made the commitment to myself that I would divorce her, no matter how i felt, no matter how it hurt, no matter how many times i would cry about it. I WOULD D HER!

And, as i walked towards the D date literally 4 weeks from completion of filing, my entire Being started to change. I slept like a baby on codeine, i cried less and less (many days going by), I had a ferocious appetite, never can get full.

I made peace with God for getting married for the wrong reasons, I had idolized my WW. We all can recall an incident in the last year or so where we looked at them and said "it's just how she normally is". But deep down in our soul we knew things were wrong. But it was not wrong with them, it was wrong with us...

We were lost, in a fog of pure bliss. A mirage in desert. (gonna end here for now)