But i still believe that the love that we ask from the WS is fickle, not a real love. Don't get me wrong, if they have the awakening to own up for their sins, to God, then I truly believe that that M will work again.
But real love does not worry about 180's and cheeseless tunnels. Real love is selflessness. The 180 behaviour change and the right tunnel is just another way to correctly practice selfish love - and getting what you want - and what you want is your WS back. That in essence is why we're in this spot in the first place :-)
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
It sounds like you're pleased with how things are going in your life. Congrats on 3 months sober! How's your son doing? Does he know about the divorce? How come your XW isn't moving out for 5 months? I had a tough time living with my ex when we weren't together anymore.
I have never been in a better place, it's like a weight has been lifted from me, about 62kg's :-) He does not really know, altho you do understand the tongue of a WW, which gets even worse once YOU D them. Well the house needs to be transferred to my name, another 2 months, then she must get her own place, 3 months. It's actually better than it's been in the house, as there's no animosity, she's shown the world that she's in a new relationship so I can be me and she can be her - pretty good roommates actually. This is only possible as i have no bitterness towards her, no hurt or pain. Just thankful for the journey i've been on and the lesson learnt. I feel sorry for the new guy tho, he is a good guy and does not see what's coming his way - AND HOW MANY LBSs have actually felt sorry for the OP? YES, that's the space i'm in :-)
I will always be thankful for your help tho.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
But I still believe that the love that we ask from the WS is fickle, not a real love. Don't get me wrong, if they have the awakening to own up for their sins, to God, then I truly believe that that M will work again.
But real love does not worry about 180's and cheeseless tunnels. Real love is selflessness. The 180 behaviour change and the right tunnel is just another way to correctly practice selfish love - and getting what you want - and what you want is your WS back. That in essence is why we're in this spot in the first place :-)
Lol
Every marriage is the union of two flawed people who have moments of selflessness and moments of selfishness. No one is selfless with their spouse all the time.
If 180s make our marriage happier and reduce moments of tension while increasing connection, that seems like a good thing for H, for our four kids, and for me.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I've come to learn that real love is selfless, there can be no space for selfishness. The minute we do things for ourselves, we lose ourselves to those wants. Their is joy in making other people happy without a need for reciprocation or "cheese".
If I look at my life, I have everything that I need. I wanted my XWW, I did. But did i need her, was it not selfish to hold onto someone that did not want me anymore? So i needed to be selfless. Letting her go was selfless, getting a D was selfish. The last selfish act that I plan on doing in a R.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
If 180s make our marriage happier and reduce moments of tension while increasing connection, that seems like a good thing for H, for our four kids, and for me.
I agree with this if the spouse was still in the M. As in atleast trying alittle bit. But if they are completely wayward (in DDJ's case) or completely uninterested (my STBXW). Then its function may be less to do with saving the marriage but more for one ownself and to make interactions more pleasant.
For instance i had to 180 a few ways on how i communicated with STBXW. She thought i was authoritive, self rightous etc. I try to do the right things and im blunt (grew up in all boys family) so i can see how maybe i could come across that way. So now i 180, im still trying to do the right things but present them with empathy instead of directness. Too late for my M but will help in my future interactions with anyone.
Same with your pouting thing Rose, if you didnt save your M, through your 180s you would still realise it was an unattractive behavior for other interactions aswell.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Agreed Natus, but what i'm saying is - what are the motives behind what we do? If it is simply to get a different (re)action out of people, then it is an implicit control mechanism.
But we simply do not have control over anyone. Don't get me wrong, there are always better ways to communicate and many ways to lose an opportunity to show empathy. But why do we do this?
If it's to draw someone towards us, paint a pretty picture, remain a light-house - then we're doing it for the wrong reasons. If we're doing it cos we love and respect ourselves and we share that love with them, then it's the right reasons. Whether they love and respect us is redundant.
You are a direct person, this is who you are, if someone does not love you for it, if you cannot be yourself around that person, then you will just lose yourself. In varying environments, you need to have emotional intelligence and alter that. But in your safety and comfort zone - Don't lose what makes you unique.
I'm over-analytical, i speak my mind and say things the way they are. I've stated it before and said that XWW never liked that about me. But that is me, who wants to be with someone that does not want me for me? I DON'T.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Agreed Natus, but what i'm saying is - what are the motives behind what we do? If it is simply to get a different (re)action out of people, then it is an implicit control mechanism.
But we simply do not have control over anyone. Don't get me wrong, there are always better ways to communicate and many ways to lose an opportunity to show empathy. But why do we do this?
If it's to draw someone towards us, paint a pretty picture, remain a light-house - then we're doing it for the wrong reasons. If we're doing it cos we love and respect ourselves and we share that love with them, then it's the right reasons. Whether they love and respect us is redundant.
You are a direct person, this is who you are, if someone does not love you for it, if you cannot be yourself around that person, then you will just lose yourself. In varying environments, you need to have emotional intelligence and alter that. But in your safety and comfort zone - Don't lose what makes you unique.
I'm over-analytical, i speak my mind and say things the way they are. I've stated it before and said that XWW never liked that about me. But that is me, who wants to be with someone that does not want me for me? I DON'T.
I would say that the correct reason is because we love and respect them and want to interact with them in a way that helps them feel loved and respected. Can we control how they feel? No, but we can be the best spouse we can be in that moment, and then keep working to improve.
It sounds like you are saying you shouldn't have to speak kindly to your spouse. Is that what you are saying?
You shared in the past that on your honeymoon, you told your wife she was fat. Is that an example of "saying things the way they are"?
I know people have a tendency to behave worse at home than in public, but I've never considered that a good thing.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
