Sorry Sandi, do I believe all of these things, no I don't. Do I agree with them all either, no. I can see where some of her 'feelings' can be felt due to some of my nice guy traits and as has been talked about in validating her feelings but I'm not and haven't rolled over everything she says. It was more a case of just writing down things so I could see some of the valid bits and, as you say, the self justification parts.
I know the areas I have fallen down and, like you said, been the nice guy, pleaser type. I also know where I have given up myself in order to try and be what she seemed to want but by doing so lost my own direction, wants etc. these are the things I'm working on. Putting my focus back on me and finding someone that likes that person rather than changing myself into someone I don't want to be. I know some of these things are her problems and not mine. Didn't mean for it to come across that I'm going to change all these things to please her. I have been making more decisions of what I want and worrying less about what she thinks about it.
She wanted to call and talk to me last night and normally I would have made the time to do so but told her I wasn't available as I was out which was the truth.
Ok, question for the vets. Can I get some examples of temp checking?
I heard my son was sick at the weekend and I did text W to check. Since then I have had 2 relatively long text messages and 2 long emails. In some ways like my 'old' W would have done. Very rambling information about the kids. What she does, what she has bought them, and with a little info about her life thrown in. There have been no real questions so I haven't responded other than to say I was out the evening she wanted to call.
It was like her rambling thoughts, things that she would have done with me always, looking for verbal appreciation of a pat on the back for he things she was doing. Today she was asking me if everything was ok and that she understood that the daycare closes early. Fees like I'm supposed to be needing or asking for her help. One email she said how she had got clothes for the kids and did I need/want some as she was happy to share... Like I can't get clothes for my kids when needed. I almost have that feeling that I am supposed to need her but since I haven't asked her for anything, is she questioning it?
I still living my life as without her and look after my kids without her help, I will continue to do so...
Not sure if I have written this before but will do it again. Several years ago, I nearly walked away from this relationship. A number of things were not right for me and I was having some issues. There wasn't anyone else directly involved and I wasn't thinking of leaving for anyone else. I never actually left but did hurt my W, I did get some counseling at the time and worked out a couple of my issues and why I was feeling the way I was. My W did no work on herself, I did all the adjustments. One thing is, I never told her at the time I had seeked some help or understanding, I only told her last year. She told me that it hurt her more and knowing I had spoken to someone would have helped her heal. I guess this is a reason I had thought of writing a letter now having learnt more about my mistakes. It would be different than before.
However, I'm still in my own process as to if I want to save this marriage. I still have the feeling that my W will not look at herself, the problems have always been mine. I have been blamed for my own failings and many times for her own.
So one of the hinges I found out my W has told some of her friends and family is that she considers me controlling, manipulative and abusive. The hardest one to take is abusive because it's one of those stigmas that is almost impossible to get rid of. It's also hard because W has been the one to turn to physical violence towards me on a couple of occasions and threatened hurting herself towards me. She also fails to recognize that if she throws something, it is directed at me. I admit that in arguments I have gotten frustrated and taken some of that out on objects but never directed anything at her.
There are times also that I don't think my W remembers what she has said or done in the past months since BD. There was one night she spat some things at me and when she came to talk to to me a couple of night later, I said I wasn't interested in listening due to the way she spoke to me previously, she asked me what she said, said she couldn't remember...
Anyways, just a couple of mindless thoughts passing through..
So i know I have made my mistakes and got things wrong, I bacame the Nice Guy in different ways and lost who I wanted to be. I am going to get a few things off my chest so feel free to ignore...
My R with W started out long distance, I made the more trips to visit due to having more vacation days. Everytime as the days got close to being together again, lots of talk on the phone about how we were looking forward to hitting the bed as soon as I got there. However, everytime i did get there, I got 'no, not yet, I have to get to know you again' This happened even on the day I asked her parents about marrying her. During the years, this bacame a regualar statement, any disagreement I would be met with this line and I would then feel like I had to prove myself all over again....
When her grandmother was diagnosed with cancer again and was in the last months, we drove the 4 hours (one way) to there every weekend. I carried her grandmother from her bed to the living room chair so she could be with the family. The weekend my grandmother was dying, I didn't travel home. My W went out with friends and came in drunk at 3 in the morning. I got the phone call I was waiting for (but didnt' want) at 8am.... W went and threw up in the bathroom then went back to bed. She told me last year that I should have gone home to the people that could support me....
Our wedding day, I went to ask my new W for a dance. She was talking with friends and told me to 'go away'....
Honeymoon in Paris, I was also there for an immigration interview and didn't get the information I was hoping for (the process was going to be even longer) I wasn't in the mood for talking, W used her fists on my back for 20 mins....
Made another move across the Atlantic back to Europe as a family, W told many people that this is now time for me to pursue my dreams, how she is here for me.... We decide to build a house with me doing alot of the inside work. Had to learn new skills as many things I hadn't done before. Not even in the house 6 months before she told me she was attracted to this work colleague (ugly ******. Best way I can describe him is he looks like a bulldog chewing on a wasp that is then hit in the face with a shovel). I ask her if she would quit her job for me, answer was no... I ask her to cut him out, 'I tried' is the answer I got. Now she has chosen these friends over her family...
Intimate life has been on her terms, very little room for me to be suggestive. So many times, felt like I was asking permission to do anything. Big difference between W sober and W tipsy/drunk..
When we would go out, felt more like a chaperone than a partner.
I have organised surprise parties for her birthday, even did 2 surprise birthdays on the same day. Even in the midst of building a house, I managed to surprise her. Last year I bought her a piano (a dream of hers for 18 years), 6 weeks later I got a family dinner.... She told me she had thought of organising something for me but I wouldn't have liked it so didn't bother but also wouldn't tell me what she had thought of doing. 4 weeks after that she went to OM and told me the affair was going to start that night...
Everyday, I'm struggling to find the reasons to why I'm trying to save this. The more I look at my M, I see how much was about her and how it wasn't about us...
I'm sure you will 2x4 me Sandi, saying I brought this on myself by not standing up. It's not that I didn't, I brought things up and stated my concerns/feelings. I didn't create consequences though I guess, and maybe she just didn't care enough about me anyways...
I met someone once when I was travelling for work, we got to know each other and I was planning on renting a jetski one day and she said she wanted to come too. Then told me that she had a slight allergy to sea water but wanted to come with me anyway... I know it's not the same as a R though. I'm actually struggling to think when the last time I felt truely worth something to my W, how sad is that?
Like I said I'm not perfect and I have things to work on, I will continue to do so for me and it is definately time for me to breathe and be who I want to be again...
I will add that I never did all those things and others to try and get something in return. I did them because I know how much they would mean to my W, the woman I loved. I know they were the ways that she felt loved. I do think that this process has shown me how she never understood me. She loved me the way she wanted to be loved but I see now how she didn't look to love me the ways I needed. Reading 5LL has helped me see this more and more. However, it did probably create resentment in me which affected other areas of our life.
Had another longish email from W last night at 22.30...
In most of her emails/texts she points out what she has done/bought/received for the kids. I thinks she is probably looking for validation of how she is looking after them etc. words of appreciation have been a constant need of hers. I guess my question is if I should be acknowledging these or still pulling away and only answering direct questions.
At times she seems to be connected to the kids, does take interest in S7 and his school work. Other times though, still seems to have disconnected from them, like the part time mum works for her...
Some friends think she is reaching with these emails, others think she is just trying to be friends. Now if I want to be a lighthouse (and I'm still trying to work that out myself to be honest) should I be responding to these when there are no real direct questions....
I did want to copy the emails but can't get my post to submit on the computer...
Have had a couple of downish days the last day or 2. More to do with my own thoughts of if I really think my W is worth fighting for.
On the positive side though, I have been thinking how I am enjoying decorating my house the way I want to without asking anyone else. I've never had my own place, left home to join the military and lived in barracks. Then met W and moved across the Atlantic and moved into her flat that she had already decorated the way she had it. Bought a house that we didn't get round to doing as much as we would have liked due to various job losses and such. Made another move across the Atlantic, into a tempory apartment that we couldn't do anything with. Then we built a house, our own design with things we both wanted. Broke me mentally, physically and emotionally during the process so wasn't there for my W as she needed and vice versa.
Now she has a small rented apartment again, I have our house that I can do whatever I want with for the time being. It has been enjoyable, picking pictures, light fixtures etc that I find pleasing. Completely new experience but very refreshing.
If you want to get your W back, then you acknowledge her, show her interest. But let her know that you're there, just not there for her.
As for her being a drifting mom - from my experience - my STBXWW does not know what love is, so she does whatever she has learnt from tv and best practices. She'd take pics, say i love you to our S, but it's sort of "out-of-sight-out-of-mind" with her most times. Disregard her about her lack of affection.
As for the lighthouse, if you know what real love is, show your kids, she will see what real love is and might find it in her heart one day. But again, your focus is in the wrong place. It must be on you.
Off topic though - I think that you should comment on other peoples threads, you'd get better reception on your own. Also, you need to step out of your comfort zone and become more confident. Not to get your W back, so that you can live a better life and getting the things that you need!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Hey DDJ, hope you and your son are doing as well as you can.
I hear what you are saying but it's more about my own impatience and journaling that you are reading. Having learnt so much from here and books etc, and wanting to 'fix' it. I do know that's not my job now, my job is just working on me and looking after the kids. I was one of those that would do anything for my W, did all the things she didn't like to do, but then got to the point of being burnt out and not being there in other ways. It's also more of a frustration with my own mindset to sacrifice my own feelings to try and put his right, again something that I have been guilty of in the past. My IC has helped me a lot and I see the parts of me that were broken. Seeing the influences my own parents divorce had on my upbringing and some of those traits I have brought into my relationship.
A very controlling and argumentative mother and an absent father. Probably should have had help sooner, (something my W wanted me to do), but I didn't and here I am. It's a shame that it took this to really soul search myself. I know it's all talked about how woman want a strong man etc, and normally I am but sometimes life burns us out. Building a house in a foreign country, starting a new job again, fighting to get a better one but working the job and the house. I was just done, I have learnt that I was mentally, physically and emotionally broken. Add that on to W saying she almost had an affair, then not cutting contact with him at work. I guess it was just a matter of time till we tore ourselves apart.
The worst bit, W complains about how our arguments were affecting the kids, my S was doing better in school during that period than he is now... Go figure.
