Focus on Me and my Boys 3

[bigybiz]

JK - Sorry I'm not quite up to speed. Has the move to Toronto taken place?

[J5K]

Bigybiz

No. I stated to her the last week in March that I would not be in an open marriage and I gave her two days to respond and when she did not I stopped the transfer. She then filed for d April 1st.

[J5K]

Bigybiz

You know just as well as I Ontario so favors SAHMS. I would have been at serious risk had I moved.

[bigybiz]

JK - sorry I don't know what SAHMS stands for. I looked on the table I did not see it.

[Painter]

The children's toys are their personal belongings and can not be withheld. A stuffed toy animal that a child is attached to should nto be used as a weapon (that's what she's doing, trying to make him either long to be there or establish her residence as the primary home). And Grandma has no right to keep the children's belongings at her residence at all.

In one way, be grateful she's showing you all her tricks now, so you can add this in the custody agreement. After it's signed, it's so much more work to get it changed.

[J5K]

Stay at home moms.

[J5K]

Went to IC yesterday afternoon (same C that did our MC).

She said that STBX is definitely narcissistic and could very well be a sociopath. Not sure if any of that is fixable.

C said that if I do move to Toronto after the D for the boys that I need to be very careful as STBX may not care an abandon them again through her travels with OM. This would devastate the boys so I am not going to think about this move until after everything with the D is final.

The last 24 to 48 hours I have become numb to the whole D process going on. I still think of STBX and wonder what she is doing but my heart seems to be closing the door, IDK.

Boys told me that mom put the flowers in a cupboard when she received them last Saturday. I didn't have any expectations. I just thought to myself what a shame that this M is dead. Just feel like I am going through the motions of life. Maybe I just don't see it yet or that the benefits are way too far into the future for me to realize the actions that I have taken to protect my boys.

[rich4j]

JK

There is a phase I have read about which I forget the name of when the relationship is ending. Maybe...not for good but in a divorce there is a mourning period. I can "hear" you wanting this to turn somehow but your STBX is all about her right now

I do worry that with that behavior, she will not be there for your 5 boys and it will fall on her parents. BUT you can't control that...I spoke to my therapist about the same situation I have with my STBX and she is selfish and narcissistic too right now and with only 1 child, its easier for her to manage but she is absent then there...absent ..then there.

And I too feel like I am sleep walking thru life right now but GAL'ing has helped.

Man...I feel your pain. And how hard things are right now.....but try to detach as I am focusing on this for myself too but its hard and will be fora while.

Your doing what you need for your kids, you can't control your STBX actions and how she deals with your boyz except document when she is out of line, and be the best parent you can and soon you will be able to have a life again!

[J5K]

Well babysitter told me this morning that it she quitting. Have too find a new one.

Have the psychologist appointment for S6 and S4. After today she will have interviewed 4 of the 5 boys.

I wish I would have found DB and this forum a year ago. This is going to be a rough summer.

I find it a little comical that STBX was asking me to change a few things about me which is what this forum and DB help each one of us with.

I also find it sad and strange that a WAS is ok was breaking up a family.

STBX has stated maybe we can get remarried in two or three years but that was back when I was still moving to Toronto and she wanted to reconcile which was all a farse.

[rich4j]

JK Sorry about the babysitter...has to be tough all the juggling you are doing

I know its getting harder right now for you as you seem to be holding the family together.

The summer will be rough and you have a bunch of folks here that are going thru this with you and the same thing. No easy path to get through this except that you are definitely going to be growing as a person and will be much better off in the future in your relationship(s).

I know what i did in my R that got me here but also know my STBX owns as much of the issue but she is in denial as is yours. There is no fixing it. There is no going back RIGHT NOW.

I know its hard not to GO THERE with those thoughts that "maybe I get through this rough spot and 6 months from now we are having dinner fixing things..."

Possible? Yeah. I have read some success stories of piecing later on. But for now at least for me its ok to vent about these things but really think about how you are improving as a father, person and that maybe you deserve alot better!!!!

I know I can't go back right now even if my STBX sat in front of me today and said I need you back. I just could not do it...

I have written down what I want in a relationship that i didn't have with my STBX and what I need to do better that will make me happier and a better R in the future. Try it...you may surprise yourself on what you didn't have in your R that you need and deserve.