How to rekindle love?

[Rose888]

Our second counseling appointment turned into our last counseling appointment. Not because H changed his mind about participating, but because it was clear to both of us that she really didn't think she could do anything else for us.

So that was frustrating.

H has been gone since Thursday at a work conference. We're trying our new plan of reduced communication while apart. It feels healthier. I'm not constantly checking my phone.

I'm continuing to work on my own issues--not apologizing excessively, not being defensive, relaxing some of the internal rules I have for myself. Also reading a book on passionate marriage.

H is clearly trying to reconnect, and doing it in a way that shows he has been listening to me and is willing to make changes.

While H has been gone, I tackled a huge (for me) yard project--weeding all the flower beds and spreading over 4 cubic yards of mulch.

He gets back tonight, and I'm mentally working to not expect a certain reaction from him but to let my own feeling of accomplishment be enough of a reward for the work. (Generally, H is good about appreciating my efforts, but as part of detaching, I'm working to provide my own emotional needs.)

This weekend the kids and I did several things on my summer bucket list, mostly involving food. I also out the chain back on S10's bike, which is something I would typically put on H's list and then fret/nag until it was finished.

[Rose888]

I could use some advice, if anyone has a minute or two.

H got back from his trip late last night. Today is my birthday. When I was reviewing the schedule with the kids this morning, I mentioned that tonight is the high school academic awards ceremony and both our twins are getting awards. (Individual teachers give awards based on their own criteria. We don't know what awards my kids are getting, or how many, only that they are each getting at least one.)

H mentioned that our college son would have to take them, because we have plans. One of my twins (the one who struggles with depression and anxiety) mentioned that he wanted us there.

Ordinarily, I would attend, I already cancelled my usual exercise class so I could go.

But.

One of the things I have been working on is being more flexible and not shooting down H's plans if they interfere with The Schedule.

I'm thinking I need to go with H and miss the awards ceremony, even though the kids won't really understand. (They don't know the marriage is struggling.)

Thoughts?

H is very sensitive to my moods and thoughts, so I need to go all in and be excited about his plans if I miss the ceremony. Otherwise, it will be a lose-lose situation.

[Rose888]

Bumping in the hope someone will respond. :-)

[J5K]

Rose,

I am not sure if this is good advice or not but want to comment. Is there family that can go to the boys ceremony so they have someone there.

If H is that sensitive I agree that you should go as long as you are OK with the outcome to your children.

It is a tough call because I did not focus on my W in the past and am paying the price now.

You may have to have a talk with the boys afterwards to explain why you did not attend.

Hope this helps.

[Rose888]

Thanks, JimKao.

Turns out H knows me too well. He cancelled his plans (which he booked before we knew about the ceremony) because he felt he would be wondering if I was stressed about missing the ceremony and that would spoil the evening for him and for me.

He said he's not upset with me, just the situation, but I'm having trouble believing that.

This unfortunately pokes at his issues and my issues.

[Rose888]

Journaling:

We haven't had an R talk. Our last one was the night of our second (and last) MC session.

On the plus side:
* we're getting along
* our sex life is the best it's ever been
* I see indications H is changing some things as a result of things we've discussed
* I'm continuing to make the changes that came out of my IC sessions
* both of us are working at healthy detachment

On the negative side:
* I have no idea if H is actually feeling more attached, or if he is acting as if

I have to work really hard some days to refrain from initiating R talk, but I don't see how asking "Do you love me now?" will help anything.

At times I get panicky that he will announce suddenly that he tried, but it's not working, and he's out of here. Other times I worry that he is staying out of duty but really wishes he had left.

I'm also dealing with some uncomfortable feelings about H starting to GAL with the kids in the afternoons while I'm working. My inappropriately attached self worries that it's a precursor to him leaving. I don't want to be that person! Him doing things with the kids during summer vacation should be a good thing!

So, mostly good, as long as I can keep from freaking out over the stories I tell myself.

[rich4j]

Rose

Caught up on your sitch and glad you are where you are at! (wish I was as i am heading for Divorce)

You can't control the things you are worried about and I would only guess that the second guessing and anxiety from thinking about these things are going to slow down your progress. I know its easy to say from my shoes but if you can focus on the positive, enjoy that you are getting along, better sex life and be confident I am guessing it will make you much more attractive to H.

Different scenario but my therapist has helped me to stop worrying about my STBX and what she does with my D7 or lack thereof....she wasn't spending the time and giving her the attention needed which I was thinking about day and night. I still think about other negative things about how I am going to handle things with my daughter but working on it. Her suggestion was be positive, focus on the good things you can control, and dont focus on the uncontrollable.

Good luck on reconnecting!

[Rose888]

Thanks! Your advice sounds eerily like what I tell myself, but it really helps to hear it from someone besides me.

I'm sending good thoughts for you and your daughter.

[sr9e2d7]

I feel like you and I have a very similar situation. My husband has taken a 6 month break however. We talk about the possibility of reconciling but he doesn't believe that I am able to be as sexual as he needs/wants. He doesn't think I have it in me. I tried to explain that if he does things that make me feel special, sexy, desirable, he will see a much different result but he feels it's something he shouldn't have to work for. Do you think it's possible to get the spark back or is that a pipe dream?

[Rose888]

I feel like you and I have a very similar situation. My husband has taken a 6 month break however. We talk about the possibility of reconciling but he doesn't believe that I am able to be as sexual as he needs/wants. He doesn't think I have it in me. I tried to explain that if he does things that make me feel special, sexy, desirable, he will see a much different result but he feels it's something he shouldn't have to work for. Do you think it's possible to get the spark back or is that a pipe dream?

My husband has those doubts as well. He's been discouraged that some of the physical signs of arousal that were present in April and May have faded. He's worried that without those I will return to my previous behavior, and he doesn't want to live in that marriage anymore.

In my case, though, I can't point to anything my husband should be doing that he isn't. It will take time for me to prove to him that I have made a lasting change.

Have you considered sex counseling? It's expensive, and I wasn't able to talk my H into it, but it's cheaper than divorce.

I'm playing around with some dietary changes (reducing coffee and wine, for starters), but it's too early to tell if that will make any difference.