3 Months of misery

[COG]

Coffee,

I hope you're up for a reality check cause here it comes. Three months is a sneeze, it'll take years if you want to save your M. Throw away the calendar, live in the moment and do everything you can to become a more loving human being. Love being defined in terms of being more accepting, appreciating, allowing, forgiving and affectionate, forgiving too.

If you want to save your marriage you have to take the focus off your W and work on the man in the mirror. What are YOU responsible for, what can YOU do to heal and become a more loving spouse. Filing for D is not going to save your M. If you really want to save it, then every move you make should be with that end goal in mind.

You and your W will never get BACK together. But you can forge a new relationship based on intimacy. Intimacy in terms of being able to accept each other for exactly who each of you are, without conditions.

By fast-tracking your D you're missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime. Try to view this crisis as a calling for you to become the fully human male that you were born to be. Work on your stuff, and give your W the space she needs to work on her stuff. You will not believe the miracles that wait for you when you just let go.

My W dropped the bomb on me in 2000, we separated in 2001, reconciled in 2005. It took several years beyond 2005 for us to forge the awesome R we have now. We grew apart, then together, and I could not have imagined our M could possibly be as good as it is now. I lived through hell my friend but I'd do it again in a heart beat. My family stayed together, I blossomed into a man, and my W into a woman.

I was a regular here on DB for a good four years or so back in the day. You've got a real opportunity to grow here brother but you can't rush the healing process. The sooner YOU heal, grow and mature, learning the message this crisis has brought you, the sooner you two can move forward together.

One day at a time!

COG

[coffee_]

I will totally disagree with you sir. I do understand where you are coming from but my tolerence for pain must be less than yours. I am unwilling to wait 5 years for a woman who cheated on my multiple times over the course of 10 years or more.
I took my ring off and told her that I was moving out. August 1st is my target date. I have two places lined up, neither are ideal or as nice as what we owned.
There has been little communication between us which is fine. What communication we have had has been unproductive to say the least. It doesn't seem to go back and forth. Either I email and never hear back from her or she emails, I respond and then I never hear back from her.
She continues to have her married boyfriend..but my detachment level is off the charts.
I went camping and rafting with a bunch of people from work this weekend, I would also say that my GAL is much improved, I really do care less what she does.
The 3 months of misery are over. I am ready to move on from the turmoil and drama. I do think over time we should be able to be good co-parents, however now all the sudden she has differing opinions than me. So we shall see where this goes.
Hope all is well with everyone.

[Zues126]

I agree with both of you.

COG's advice is spot on...EXCEPT...if I'm remembering right, coffee, your WW was the one that had serial affairs for 8 years. Is this right?

I believe there is a big difference between a woman that walks away that hasn't cheated, one that walks away that has an EA/PA going on, and one that has been in ongoing affairs the majority of the marriage with different partners.

Each of us has to make our own decisions on where we draw the line. While I might have been willing to accept a short term EA/PA immediately after BD, I am not sure I would be willing to accept what this WAS did over the time she did it. And, if there was ANY chance I would, it would've been on her to move mountains to show me why I should. Shoot, in theory she still could, I'm not saying coffee isn't committed to D, but if she aborted all affairs immediately, wrote an apology letter and a non-contact letter, promised to go to counseling and do anything possible to save the M, and in return she didn't ask for any blind recommitments but rather the opportunity to just leave the D as a separation for a year as she proved to him how deeply she cared and show him that she would walk the walk to prove she could be the W she promised to be...IF she did all that maybe he could reconsider...Maybe.

But that hasn't happened, and I agree if it's anything less than that he needs to keep moving forward on his own. I've been around these boards a while now and doubt she's turning around, and if she did it would only be if she was deeply scared of losing him. After him being complacent for 8 years and her avoiding consequences for her choices for 8 years I think there's a much bigger risk in coffee being exposed to more of the same than there is in him missing out on a wonderful relationship with this person.

It just stinks all the way around. Sorry you got a dud coffee. Keep moving forward. Still heal, own your $hit, and do what you can to be a better person. Avoid rebounds or anything destructive like punishing behavior. Be a good co-parent. All of that. But frankly I'm glad you have the strength to get some distance. Maybe it's fueled by hurt and anger, but that doesn't mean those emotions are negative, they may be what you need to do what you need to do to protect yourself.

COG's advise is what I'd give to anyone that was in a situation less extreme than this. Even still coffee, it's good to mull over and see from all angles. It's good to know why you're doing what you're doing.

[coffee_]

Just a quick check in. I have been out of the house since August 1, and had very minimal contact. We are co-parenting and communicating pretty good regaurdign that. To reply to Zuess, there is no way that she will try to move those mountains. I have realized now that she has been needing something else besides just me for 8 years now (maybe more). It is what it is, I love her, I miss her, but realistaclly I cannot see myself going back to that woman, not after the abuse that she administered. Looking back some of the things that she did where pure evil. You would never know she was capable just by glancing at her and her life, she is very good at her facade. I have fully accepted my situation, the hurt returns periodically but I am a happy man to be free from her grips, manipulation, lies, and chaos. My life is getting more simple by the minute. D is final January 25th, but that is just a date for the paperwork. I really feel free from her emotional grips. Somedays I wish terrible things to happen to her but realize she is a person, and my sons mother. I am considering some counseling again to start work on forgiveness, I am not sure I am ready for that but really just want to start to understand how to forgive someone who has done this terrible thing. I know it would be a lot easier if she was involved in the healing process, but I don't have that luxury. Someday I will find the right person to give my heart to again, I want to make sure that I am not resentful and able to love, trust and be a good partner. I wish everyone a great Monday.

[Zues126]

Thanks for the update coffee. I hope to hear from you at least periodically for the next 24 months if not longer.

Forgiveness isn't easy. And it's easier to forgive once you're no longer in pain. While you're still hurting, the pain triggers anger towards the one that put you in that pain. Once the pain ends, it's pretty easy to let go of blame for pain you no longer feel.

So in my mind, the key to forgiveness is healing yourself so you are no longer in pain. And that comes from all of the DB principles such as GAL, detaching, etc.

I'm curious about a few things. Now that you've accepted, at least logically, that your marriage is over...what are you doing for YOU? Are there any 180s you're working on? What are your goals? Any GAL things you're doing? Truly wondering how you're doing for yourself separate from her.

There is no right answer or easy button, but if you use the loss to motivate you to rebuild it can help move on. I don't pretend it won't leave scars or that the loss can be swept away. But you can at least take pride in your response to the loss, and some comfort in knowing you did what you can. Some days that comfort means a lot.

Take care and keep us posted.

[coffee_]

GAL is going well!
I am a hunter, and got a once in a lifetime moose tag, so I have spent a TON of time in the mountains some alone, some with s13 and some with brother and friends.
I am getting adjusted to living alone/co parenting and taking pride in keeping a clean house, clean laundary and keeping well groomed. I am working on keeping a good budget. In two weeks I am going to AZ for a long weekend and just chilling. I am making new friends, some female but treading lightly on that front as I know that it can just prolong the healing. But I have to tell you this guy feels he needs to get some!
The devastation took a toll on my work, so I am really getting back into the swing and focusing on my career again. It is a big adjustment as I was able to work all the time when it was a two parent in the house system.
I am working at taking the high road, not rolling in the mud with that women, she tries to bait me, I think she is just mad that she can no longer control me. NC is really helping with that, it also helps detach which I really feel like I am on the path of total detachment. There are days that I just give her way too much though and I am working at just putting it aside and dedicating just a minor amount of time to those thoughts. I like the high road, the view is much better up there! I am motivated to move on for sure. There are several dreams that I have had that being with her has held me back from doing. As soon as the D is final I can actually start planning to act on some of those dreams. I have always wanted a place to remodel or build, not sure which one I will start with but it is sure fun to dream. Whenever I start thinking I wish this never happened and wish my life was back to what it was a year ago I just remind myself that that life was a lie, she has left the marriage several times over the course of 10 years or more. I was just her ice cream in her cake and ice cream life. Well I have gotten my ba11s back and it feels wonderful!
Thanks for the response and promoting these thoughts of 180 and GAL, which came naturally but does take some work.

[coffee_]

I haven't heard from you in a wile Zuess. Just checking in. I lean on this board more than I thought I did.