Piecing my life and M back together

[Stormchaser]

I may run that by the MC. We had an appointment this week that we cancelled due to the expense before going away on vacation, but I may see if we should go before vacation.

I dunno, LiM. I had a nice long drive to work and we wound up doing some facetime, but the kids were in the car and she was very one-word answer to everything. Like she didn't even want to talk.

My imagination started going full speed, thinking she is just using this argument to end the marriage. Her mentality being, "hey, I tried, but he keeps bringing it up and I couldn't live like that for the rest of our marriage" - justifying it in her head and to her friends/family. Its just so inane, this worry I had has exploded into something marriage ending.

But this has happened before and within a few days, we were back on track. I kept telling her that this is a rollercoaster and we have to ride it out. Quite the contrary, we've had more good days than bad. The good days are GREAT, too - and she sees it - but she doesn't like the bad days. I'm used to them, she's not, and when they happen, she doesn't like them.

Her IC has told her to "wallow in the pain, feel it", and she does, and she does NOT like it. Believe me, I've had my fair share of feeling it, too, and I don't like it, either - but I know its an essential part of recovery.

I'm just afraid that her mentality now is, "if I gotta go thru this once a month, its not worth it".

[LiM]

We too have been having more good than bad. Its good days vs bad minutes. There is not much more I could ask for but its still so hard and painful.
My W is remorseful and she has expressed that multiple times. But most of the time that I express my hurt to her, she inevitably comes back with a "Ya, but......." comment that I take as not wanting to fully own her actions. That's hard for me. But I know that even Sandi (the great Saint of this forum) says that it took her 2 years before she fully grasped the impact of what she had done and to fully accept responsibility for it. That's hard and there is nothing I can do to speed that process.
On Sunday evening, I sat down with my W to go over something I had written down to discuss with her. I've tried not to pile too much onto my W at once. I try to spread out our difficult conversations so that we have time to enjoy each other in between and experience the good in our R. I wanted to express my pain and let her know how it hurt me and why it continues to hurt. I explained how the movies play in my mind and how that continues to devastate me. I told her about the things that sometimes pop into my mind when I see her or when we make love. I told her that it hurts because I have to drive by a park I know she was with OM at every time I take my kids to school. It wasn't a long list. It probably just took 3 minutes or so to go through it. I decided to go ahead and do that on Sunday because I knew she had an IC appt the next day and would have the opportunity to discuss with her IC.
But now that I've done that, I feel like I have had the opportunity, over the past 2 1/2 months that we have been piecing, to express everything I needed to say about my feelings, hurt, anger and disappointment. I think I've probably said it all. That means its now time for me to move on and let it go. To do it anymore would mean its no longer about expressing my feeling but instead as a tool to inflict pain and shame onto her. And I can't do that if we are to move forward and heal. Forgiving means I have to let it go. So I'm turning a corner and starting a new chapter. And it hurts knowing that I have to lay that down; that I can't use her actions as a weapon to hurt her. When you are injured, you want to strike back and inflict the same amount of pain that was inflicted onto you. But that is not a recipe for reconciliation. You have to let it go.

[Stormchaser]

Thanks, LiM. I still have great difficulty letting go.

We talked after we got home. My anxiety was pretty bad last night, due to lots of financial stress, the infidelity still weighing on me, and both our kids are now showing signs of being affected by this whole mess. Plus work stress is piling up, we have to save for a vacation, lots on my mind. I had directed a lot of my energy towards my wife's competition, and now that its done, my anxiety started creeping up. So when I called her and wondered why she was so late, she took that as to me not trusting her. Normally, when my anxiety is low, I know she's at work and know the OM isn't there (he only works days). Just something triggered me last night and the what if's started: What if he's there, what if he's trying to move in on her, etc....I tried meditating, tried relaxation, exercise - but I was spooked beyond normal. Then I got very passive-agressive when she got home and that started the argument.

Her concern is will this keep going. She's fully aware of my anxiety issues and has supported me through some dark times, but worries about it causing more distance between us. She had very valid points - having a mental disorder is incredibly difficult to live with - and I made her no promises it will get better. She is worried my anxiety will focus on her, not on usual things such as money, health, etc. Truth be told, I think last night was the first time I was genuinely worried about her slipping back, but the psychological damage she caused to the entire family should be reason enough for her never do it again. The kids are still suffering to this day; the youngest rarely gives her the time of day and still hasn't forgiven her for what she did to "dad". The oldest has screamed at her several times to "cut dad a break, you cheated - its not like you backed the car into a light pole". So my W is also dealing with trying to mend two daughters' relationship with her.

She has IC tomorrow. I think this will help her out, because she always feels good after a session. She hates the pain, hates, hates, hates it. Her IC tells her she needs to feel it. Needs to own it - running away from it only makes it worse. One of my favorite sayings is "the only way out is through". She applies it and hates it because she's never ever felt this kind of emotional distress (only when her mom died, she said, did she ever feel this bad). She hates when I bring up the affair, but rug sweeping only makes it worse. We have to talk about it, because these 2-3 steps back lead to LEAPS forward when we get it out.

But, like you said, there HAS to be a time when we let it go. Or I let it go. She wants it to be now, but she has to understand this is a long process. I actually feel good now that we got some of this out in the open, but she's hesitant because she fears we'll be back to square one again. Sometimes I think this affected her more than me, if that sounds odd.

Thanks for the ear, LiM.

[Coconut]

LiM, just stopping by to see how things are going.

[blueboy]

I do finally call her direct and she answers, saying yes, she got tied up talking to her boss about this competition she was in and she's heading out now. Of course, again, my imagination just doesn't believe it. She comes home, I'm quiet, she wants to know what's wrong, and I tell her I just didn't feel right about tonight.

Immediately, she got defensive and wanted to know where this was coming from, we've been close these last 2 weeks, no arguments, nothing. Sex nearly every day. Going on vacation next week. Started saying she can't stay with me if I'm going to keep on not trusting her, and I'm pushing her away. This, of course, sent MY radar up sky high, wondering why SHE'S becoming so defensive, and we went at it. I said "A simple hug and reassurance would've gone really far", and she snapped back, "how much damn reassurance do you want, we facetime every day, we have sex every night, we have never been closer in our 30 years together....give me ONE instance where I've given you a reason to not trust me anymore...

I just don't get it.....

Interesting comparison, my W said she hoped I could trust her again one day and until that point, I can check up etc as she has nothing to hide. I'm not saying my W is to be trusted anymore than yours!

However she should expect you to trust her until you are ready to do so, on your timescales not hers!

[LiM]

Alright, back with a recap, update and possibly a request for advice.
Its been right at 6 months since BD (the day I discovered my W's A by putting a voice recorder in her car). Its been 3 months since I found out the A was still going on after I kicked my W out of the house and so I served her with D papers. Everything changed after that and we've been piecing ever since.
W is remorseful and doing what she needs to do to repair the damage from her choices. I also remain committed to all the changes I made during the DB process. I am not the same person anymore. My W comments on it frequently. She can't believe the strength and resolve that I have displayed during this process. She sees and appreciates that I fought for her and our M when she didn't deserve it. I have truly forgiven my W but I struggle daily with the anger and resentment. I know it is something that will take time and am willing to do the work no matter how hard it is.
I've recently realized that I have never been a leader in my home. I've just been a guy that lived there and provided for his family. But I've not been a leader and not been one to set an example. I'm not willing to be that person anymore either. I intend to be a leader and example to my W and two teenage daughters. I will be a man that they will be proud of. And God now plays a role in our family in a way that he never did before.

Today, the OM sent me an email. I haven't read it yet. I will later today. But I did see the first couple of lines and know that he wants to meet with me so that he can apologize in person. There was a time only a few short weeks ago that I would have pounded his face into the ground if I had seen him. I probably wouldn't do that today. I've never been jealous of him. I think he is a pathetic, cowardly man and I feel sorry for his family. I have NOT forgiven him yet. I know that this is something I will eventually need to do. Its something that I will do for myself and I know I need to do it so that my heart will not grow cold and hard. I know that God will want me to forgive. But honestly, I don't need anything from this man. I don't need or want an apology from him. I could care less if he is sorry or even if he was proud of what he did. I simply don't care. His feelings are irrelevant to me. Its completely different with my W but with him, I just don't care.

I'm sure he is very sorry for what he did and it must take a lot of courage to be willing to see me and apologize in person. Can I find healing from this? I'm asking because I just don't know. Is this what I should be doing if I want to set the example as a strong, confident leader of my family? Will my W see my courage and strength if I meet with him? Again, I don't need anything from him. He is irrelevant to me. But if I can find healing from doing this and also have the opportunity to show my W how much capacity I have for love, grace, empathy and forgiveness, then maybe it is something I should do.

[doodler]

LiM,

I don't know if what I have to say will help or not, but I'll try to summarize my dealings with the OM and my reactions and let you decide if there's any value that can gleaned from my experience.

My wife moved out of the house about a month and a half ago (I don't keep track) and after she left, my anger grew by the day. I was angry with her and the OM because of what they'd put me through (the OM was a friend of my WW so I knew him prior to realizing it'd become an EA).

When I saw the OM in a public setting I went toward him and the closer I got the angrier I became. Once I got to him all I think about was beating his @ss. Fortunately there was a cop nearby and I was stopped before I did anything that would land me in the pokey. The reason I'm telling you this is that if you meet with the OM be prepared for the anger to erupt. It's like a switch, so be very careful; you're probably not going to control it if it happens.

After that event I though a lot about what had happened and I talked to my IC as well. Deep down, what I really wanted and needed was for the OM to understand that he could no longer walk all over me without impunity.

I'm glad I did what I did because the OM knows that I'm going to back anything I say. I also know that he won't. I've turned into the bully and I'm just fine with that. That piece of trash deserves to be bullied.

Did that event help me heal? Yes, it did. The fact that I'd walk up to that piece of trash (he's taller and bigger than me) while he's standing with a group of other guys and pick a fight with him gave me a great deal more confidence. It's not that I don't have the physical attributes required to kick his @ss, I do, but I've always been too timid. Not anymore.

[LiM]

Thanks Doodler,

It actually does help.
Before I served my W D papers, and before I knew the A was still going on, I had ordered a pizza from a Pizza Hut and went to pick it up. When I walked in, I looked up at the "Order Status" Board and saw my name and that my order was "ready." Right below my name was OM's W's name and also listed their order as "ready." At the time, his W didn't know about the A. I knew one of them was going to walk through the door at any second and I got out of there as quick as I could because I knew if it was him, an a$$ whooping would have been handed out. I found out later when I told my W the story that it was the OM that went to get their pizzas that day. That was a close call.

Fast forward to today, I still have anger and resentment in my heart but not to the point that I would get physical. OM is taller and beefier than me but honestly, I feel 10 feet tall compared to him. I think I probably could meet with him and completely dominate him with my presence. I do feel strong and powerful ESPECIALLY if being compared to him. I know he is scared of me; he told my W he was worried that I would hurt him. It might make me feel really good to see him cower in front of me but also to hear a heart felt apology and for my W to see my strength and grace all at the same time.

[Wonka]

Yep, yep...something about men and fists. Ugh.

Unfortunately, it's now entered in DB lexicon as in "don't go dawgy on the OM." Let me tell you what happened with a DBer who ran into the OM.

The DBer's screenname was Dawgy. Like you, he thought he could handle it if he ran into the OM. Well, the day happened and Dawgy just lost it when he saw the OM. Uncontrollable rage took over all of rational thought and his filter went out the window. Dawgy beat up the OM to a pulp in front of his own W and 18-year old son. Guess what happened? Yup, W got very protective of OM and was completely agahst with Dawgy's violent outburst.

The outcome? She filed for a D and they are now divorced.

Don't do anything stupid even if you pretend with this voice in your head that you can handle it. Bottom line, NOTHING good can come out of meeting with OM.

I think the best answer is silence and non-answer. That alone speaks volumes than meeting with the OM. I have had that experience when a lady texted me wanting to see me and I had zero desire to see her. I simply refused to respond to her emails/texts. She got the message. BOOM! Buh-bye.

[LiM]

Thanks Wonka,

I just now read his email. It simply said "I would like to meet with you and have the opportunity to apologize and ask for forgiveness. Am I open to this?"