New to Site - Just found about another

[sandi2]

Stay strong. Don't fall for what she pulls out of her bag of tricks.

[coffee_]

Zuess,

Thank you. I haven't mentioned it because I am ashamed but she is also "using" with the OM I think. I found some evidence of it and have been watching her "ups and downs" for the last 5 months.
So #1 speaks volumes to me, she would have 2 addictions to recover from to get her head out of the fog and her butt out of the weeds.

I really like your posts, they are so helpful.

Doing paper work today and getting my ducks in a row to be on the offense when the time comes to BD on her. This is for me, I am done with her financial and emotional withdraws from my bank.

Spending some time with my ailing father in another town this weekend, then back on fathers day to hang with my S13. Detaching by the minute, seeing her for who she really is. She is my STBXW

[coffee_]

Had a good weekend with my family (out of town). My friend was there and we whooped it up on Friday night, it felt good to just be me for a bit. I am detaching by the minute.
My STBXW decided she was spending this week out at her mothers, who is on vacation. She also decided that she was keeping S13 with her also. She failed to tell me that and my S13 told me yesterday they where doing that. He felt bad because they where leaving me alone all week and felt obligated to tell me that was the plan.
I just saw her and told her not to put him in that position, she needs to communicate that to me before she makes plans like that. For one I was taken off guard (even though I tried not to show it) when S13 told me, he probably sensed that. This is going to be a long year. I haven't told her that I spoke with a L yet, she puts up walls and avoids any real conversation. I told her we should have lunch on Wednesday.
S13 asked me yesterday if we where to get a D who would get the house. He said he asked the same question to the STBXW. I feel so bad for him, he is starting to figure it out. I think she is too.
I have to go get my $$ that I took from my retirement to pay for the L today, open an account in my name. I will tell her on Wednesday about that Zuess, using your words or a rendition of them. My hope of this turning around is almost gone as my weakness turn to strengths.
Life [censored] sometimes, however through Him I have faith that it will be better some day.
Thanks again all.

[Cristy]

Hi Coffee,

It sounds like you are certainly getting your ducks in a row regarding getting a L and protecting your assets. It is good to protect yourself and know your rights. Not a bad idea to keep this info to yourself for now.

I'm sorry you are not seeing your S13 this week. The teenage years are hard enough without having to deal with worrying about where he will be living.

What would happen if your STBXW realizes that she has made a mistake and the fog starts to lift? What would you do in that situation? Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[coffee_]

Cristy,
I give it about a .08 percent change that the fog will lift. If it does I will call you. She has had 10 years of off and on EA's and has justified it based on my shortcomings in the M relationship. She has had this long to know how to detach if she got caught. She has completely detached, almost overnight from when the A's where discovered. Zuess warned me that something so profound would happen before I truely could start DBing. I have begun to attach.

What are the vets views on seeing/texting other women at this time to help me detach? I have been just as a confidence booster to help me realize that there is life after D and that I can find someone eventually.

I can totally stop it but I have been lonely for a long time and really enjoy some normal interaction to help distract and detach.

My counselor told be to tell her I want a D on Wednesday when I go to lunch. And also told me based on what I have disclosed to him that there is very little likelihood that her fog will lift. He did say that maybe some day after all of the papers are signed and things calm down that I should try to talk to her about what really went wrong. Is that a good idea, I know it is like trying to look into a crystal ball.

[LiM]

Coffee,

I don't think I qualify as a vet but I wanted to give my opinion. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. What a slap in the face to know its been going on this long.

I think you are perfectly within your right to move on but honestly, it wouldn't be fair to anyone you try and see right now. You need to heal yourself first and that will take some time. If you wait and make sure you take care of yourself, you will be in a much better position to go into a new relationship. You owe that to yourself and any person you may see in the future. I don't think seeing anyone right now will do anything to help you detach. It may only mask the pain of what you are going through right now.

[Zues126]

Cristy,
What are the vets views on seeing/texting other women at this time to help me detach? I have been just as a confidence booster to help me realize that there is life after D and that I can find someone eventually.

This is the worst idea in the world. I would rather you tell us that you planned on using heroin in moderation to get through. Seriously.

How many reasons? Here are just a few.

1) Don't burn bridges. While your M is close to doomed, you never want to look back and wonder what would have happened if you played your cards differently. Back in 1999 my mom told my dad she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay married, she thought she wanted a divorce. She is a teacher and had a 6 month sabbatical and said that she would let it sit until she returned. They had plans to take a hiking vacation with my dad after she returned to do some talking. When she got back she called him to set that up, and he said "I have something I need to tell you. I have a girlfriend." Needless to say they never had the opportunity. The funny part is that my dad thinks my mom initiated the divorce, yet my mom thinks of him as the one that abandoned the relationship without giving it a chance. Either way, they have been divorced now for 16 years.

2) You don't have a chance to heal. When you separate there is a gaping hole in your life. That causes pain. You want to fill that up with something healthy. That is why we tell you to GAL. GAL gives you the opportunity to find new ways to fill your needs, validate yourself, form a new identity for the new life you have. If you shovel garbage into that hole it just puts off doing the work which you'll pay for later. You won't grow stronger.

3) It doesn't stop the pain. It causes more. Because you don't heal or grow, you are setting yourself up for more pain. People that rebound suffer cataclysmic losses when their rebound breaks up, it's the compounded losses of the new relationship on top of the old wounds which it rips open again. Not only that, it hurts the people you are connecting with. Many women that say they understand you want to move slow or aren't ready for anything serious think that in their head, but should you R with your W, or should you realize you're really not ready for anything serious then it will hurt the other person. You are really using them selfishly.

4) Rebounds don't last. There is a reason for that. When you're lonely and in pain, anyone seems like a savior. So you can cling to someone and think she is your angel. 2 years later you're doing better, and you realize you want more in your relationship. This goes back to causing pain.

5) You aren't learning to be appreciative for what you have. You talk about being stronger vs. being needy...but you want someone to hold you and comfort you and validate you, and you talk a lot about someone in the future. You need to learn to find joy in your life unconditionally. What if God told you that not only was your M over, you'd never have the relationship you wanted. Could you accept that and find some peace and happiness? You need to get to that point, otherwise you will bring a lot of expectation, open wounds, and suffering into your next relationship, which is another reason rebounds are doomed. Bottom line, if you can't find joy in your life as is, a woman won't save you.

6) You are a married man. The thought of other women is CRAZY talk. You are MARRIED. Personally I am a strong believer in Dr. Joy Browne's "1 year rule", which states that you wait a MINIMUM of 1 YEAR after the DIVORCE is FINAL. She states it is not separation date, or the last day you made love, or when you moved out, or when you consulted a lawyer. She says that it is a year after the divorce is actually finalized. And she says that is the absolute minimum, and anything shy of that is reckless and destructive. My IC believes it is a 3-5 year process to heal from a divorce, and I agree with this as well, I'm 2 years from BD and 6 months from the inked divorce and I still cried on my way to work this morning after a tough day yesterday. I'm not ready.

But, if you want to break the 1 year rule (and it was amazing the % of her callers cited problems that stemmed with breaking this rule), if you really want to rebound, at least wait until the D is final. Because here's the thing...if you date while you're married, you are committing adultery the same as her. Oh, you can say 'she cheated first', or 'I wouldn't have if she hadn't have...', but that's the same perverted logic that she is using on why she is cheating on you. I'm sure in her mind 'she wouldn't have if you didn't...' or 'if you did ___'. It's wrong. It's wrong. It's wrong. What she does or doesn't do doesn't change what's right or wrong, and it's wrong for a married man to date.

Now a lot of people on these forums will tell you that it's ok to date at various stages, and that's fine. Everyone can have their own opinion. This is a DB forum and MWD doesn't speak specifically to dating post BD or post D (although I wish she would, because I think most people are way out of line on this). So no one is crossing MWD here. But just like there are people that will explain why it's ok to rebound, the WAS's have a lot of friends and family that support them on why it's ok to get a divorce in the first place, or any of the other selfish decisions they make. You can either make up your mind on what you want and then find people that help you rationalize it, or you can follow your beliefs.

[J5K]

I echo Zues!

[coffee_]

Thank you for the forceful words Zuess, I needed to hear them. I will stop the activity immediately.
Your words make so much sense to be, My head is in the clouds also obviously. That is why I asked.
I understand the logic for waiting a year. I read this last night and really thought about it a lot while falling asleep and when I woke up.
I think the biggest single point you made is that yes I am still married man. Yes it is adultery.
All of your points resonated with me and I have thought of them all really as I pondered the thought of dating.
I am not ready for a divorce, it pains me to think that my W is but just isn't saying it...somebody has to I guess. My son is worried about it, I really feel for him.

[Cristy]

Cristy,


What are the vets views on seeing/texting other women at this time to help me detach? I have been just as a confidence booster to help me realize that there is life after D and that I can find someone eventually.

I can totally stop it but I have been lonely for a long time and really enjoy some normal interaction to help distract and detach.

My counselor told be to tell her I want a D on Wednesday when I go to lunch. And also told me based on what I have disclosed to him that there is very little likelihood that her fog will lift. He did say that maybe some day after all of the papers are signed and things calm down that I should try to talk to her about what really went wrong. Is that a good idea, I know it is like trying to look into a crystal ball.

Coffee_

The short answer is don't do it! If you are truly detaching and focusing on yourself, why would you want to muddy the waters by getting involved with someone else...even casually?

Listen to to Zues, Jim and LiM and take their advice. It might stroke your ego and feel good in the short term, but it will not help your situation at all. Be the good role model for your son.

Cristy

P.S. Zues- your heroin analogy had me laughing out loud here at the office