I have done that. I got rid of all the bad behavior and now I am as positive as I am ever been. Getting married was the mistake, I shouldn't have done it. Living apart together seems to be a much better situation and I am not going to advice my children to get married, that's just crazy. The government shouldn't have anything to do with my relationship, so I am looking at the divorce as a way to improve things. Hopefully after the divorce is finalized, the mother of my children will be more willing to talk and do things together without the financial and legal pressure. Keep smiling my friend, things will get better.
A word of caution with getting advice from a lawyer, but not having representation in court. Don't get cheap at the wrong time. Your lawyer will protect you, your children and your assets. Why are you worried about deescalating the situation in court by not having a lawyer there? Things have already escalated due to the charges filed against you and the PPO.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Agreed, you NEED to have a lawyer to represent you in court. This is about your rights to see your children. Do not let yourself be railroaded by her scheming. The American system may be different than what you are used to or expect, but trust us - you NEED to have a lawyer with you in court.
And you should be talking with your attorney to find out what is reasonable to expect in a settlement. Where did the money come from to buy the rental units - was that money you brought into the marriage, or was that savings from your wife's and your earnings? Is her name on the mortgage loans? Is there a lot of equity in the rental units?
These are all important questions. The two of you were a financial unit. If you both worked and saved the money to buy those rentals, and if you paid expenses out of joint bank accounts, then they are probably community property and depending on your state's laws, she may be entitled to half the property. Similarly though, if you are in a community property state, you may be entitled to half of any pension or retirement savings that she accumulated during the marriage.
If you each have the children half the time, there may be no child support from either party; otherwise she might owe you child support or you might owe her.
And just a heads up - unfortunately, as unfair as it is, many women are not really comfortable with the role reversal of being the main breadwinner. They may SAY they are ok with it, but I have seen many times here where the stay-at-home dad is dumped by the working mom who resents his financial dependence and/or his time spent with the kids while she has to work. Just consider that she may have a great deal of resentment based on this, which is totally sexist and unfair, but I've seen it many times.
I sent proposals about child custody and division of assets to my wife's lawyer so she knows exactly what I want and hopefully we can agree to that without fighting. If she doesn't want to work with me out of court I always have the option to fight in court and yes, in that case, I will ask my lawyer to represent me because he knows the laws and my rights much better than I do. I am trying to let my wife win small battles so that she'll let me win the war. Divorce doesn't have to be a total loss for the man, if we can have shared custody and preserve assets for the children, we might be able to even improve our relationship in the long run after the divorce is finalized.
I sent proposals about child custody and division of assets to my wife's lawyer so she knows exactly what I want and hopefully we can agree to that without fighting. help me understand better please.
so your wife an her lawyer have all your proposals in hand and know you are going to try to play fair, because that is what good people do, right and deep down she knows you are a good person?
If she doesn't want to work with me out of court I always have the option to fight in court and yes, in that case, I will ask my lawyer to represent me because he knows the laws and my rights much better than I do.
so at what point do you think she will let you know that she is not going to 'play fair' if in fact she decides not to?
I am trying to let my wife win small battles so that she'll let me win the war.
I honestly think you are being naive. you giving in to her is winning you exactly zero points. as long as you are playing a conceding boy she will not try to push, why should she. what do you think she is going to do when you stop making concessions just to give her small victories.
what in your wifes current behavior suggests that she will switch her mode?
this is not a game and your wife does not have YOUR best interest at heart...at all. I don't think that me telling you this will convince you of that. I would encourage you to continue reading others stories, there are many, many, many where spouse turns on a dime and leave lbs in a ruin. start with OFP in newcomers. he has been given a good amount of advice that seems pretty applicable to you right now.
Divorce doesn't have to be a total loss for the man, if we can have shared custody and preserve assets for the children, we might be able to even improve our relationship in the long run after the divorce is finalized.
I wholeheartedly agree with you. divorce 3 does not HAVE to end as a total loss...but it certainly CAN. be careful here, ok? the woman who is turned against you is not your sweetheart
I really feel for you here. I wish this were not happening to you. read as much as you can (post to others where thier situations are similar...share advice, give support to each other). come back and vent when you need to.
I sent proposals about child custody and division of assets to my wife's lawyer so she knows exactly what I want and hopefully we can agree to that without fighting.
Adding my voice to the "get a lawyer" chorus here.
This is kinda like the Seattle Seahawks giving away their entire playbook to the New England Patriots the week before the Super Bowl. Your W's lawyer must have felt like s/he died and went to heaven when your proposals dropped in the inbox. Why would you want to show your hand to the opposing lawyer who only has W's best interests because that lawyer is her representative.
Why would you want to commit suicide in this fashion? That is why people get a lawyer because they are trained professionals and work for YOU as your employee.
Not only are you being naive here, I also think it is ludicrous to do this DIY. You are worth so much more than this. Your children are worth so much more than this. Your future depends on having a qualified professional to guide you through this process.
I would not want to have some high school drop out who dissected a frog back in the 11th grade to do an open heart surgery on me! Would much prefer to have a trained professional to do the surgery. Thank you very much.
you've gotten a ton of input here and I inderstand it is not easy to just switch mindset (please believe me here) I am hoping you are willing to stick around and learn some more.
Find out if your wife is among the 15 million women high risk group. Mac Arthur Foundation’s Midlife in the United States database says that of the 43 million women ages 40 to 60, 15 million (35%), will fall into a midlife crisis. THE HIGHEST RISK WOMEN Stay at home mothers, or those who work part time, come from troubled childhood homes, yet have never dealt with those issues. WHAT YOU MAY SEE YOUR WIFE DO She is ending her marriage to establish her independence. She shows no incentive to work on her marriage. She is convinced that her new life will be fantastic compared to the one with you. She is freeing herself. She is running away. She wants her time and space. She is tired of being the care taker. She does not care what others think. She stays out late without explanation. She plans trips without you. She cares only about herself. She blames everyone for her actions. What she used to be against, she now defends. She has no logic and no consequences. It seems like an alien has taken over your wife's body. She is hiding everything from you. Her emotions control her every move. She acts like a 17 year old rebelling against her parents. Her every feeling is a fact that cannot be argued. She is never wrong, while you are always wrong. She is determined to get everything she wants. She loses every ounce of compassion for immediate family. She will risk marriage, children's well being or career to feel happy with some other man. WHAT YOU MAY HEAR YOUR WIFE SAY “You were not home enough.” “You did not earn enough.” “You worked too much.” “You did not listen.” “You never…” “You always…” “You paid too much attention to others.” “I have not loved you for years.” “I never loved you.” “We married too young.” “I missed out on life.” “You did not help around the house with kids.” “You cheated on me.” HOW IT WILL START A big event: -death, move, illness, birthday, affair, sick parent, financial failure. HOW LONG IT CAN TAKE Two to five years. HOW IT ENDS She finally compares her old life with you, to the wreckage that is now her life. A HUSBAND'S BIGGEST QUESTION BEFORE IT HAPPENS? * My wife is in the high risk group, so what must I do to stop this nightmare before it starts? HOW THE MIDLIFE CRISIS REALLY HAPPENED Take a look at your wife's first ten years and you may see that she came from a troubled home. What's considered to be a troubled home? There's plenty of variety in this answer but the core basics come down to two things that happened in the first ten years of her life. 1. Her mother did not like her father and her father did not like her mother. 2. Her mother or her father made her feel devalued and worthless. 3. Her parents divorced sometime prior to her 15th birthday. If you see this in her childhood, you are looking at a woman who was carrying the Midlife Crisis gene if you want to call it that. Women raised in homes with parents who enjoy each other, treat their daughter like she is valuable and important, don’t experience a midlife crisis between ages 40 and 60. It's as if your chaos childhood wife is carrying a type of bomb in her brain that was set to explode when all the conditions were right. If your wife is in a midlife crisis now, that bomb went off. WHAT MUST A HUSBAND DO AFTER HE’S HIT WITH HIS WIFE'S MIDLIFE CRISIS Once her Chaos Engine turns on in her brain, she does not want you to pursue her anymore. She is now out of range. Any pursuit is an offense. Before the crisis, it would have been a gift. Don’t' get this one wrong. Now your pursuit is completely offensive. Since she is in crisis, she’s driven by a force that wants what it cannot have. That's a MAJOR reason you must not pursue, press, urge, beg, call, love, etc. That shows that she CAN have you. No good! What you want is to become a man that she CANNOT have. Her chaos engine wants what it cannot have, so it will pursue what it cannot have. You must become a man she cannot have so eventually, she will pursue you. HOW TO BECOME WHAT YOUR CHAOS KID CANNOT HAVE 1. Keep your conversations light and short. Serious talk ignites her chaos engine and drives her away. Short statements sound like, "Good seeing you again. Gotta run." and "Sorry, I can't. Got plans." This causes you to seem interesting and important. Other people want you and most of all, you have no time for your chaos kid. It’s exactly what you must do now. Not only are you not pressuring her, but you are moving her chaos engine to want what it can't have. 2. Stop being the boring man you might have been. Now is the time to be happy, independent, popular, likable, enjoyable, secure, friendly, encouraging and conversational with everyone but her. Just try and do what every single self help books says to do…act happy. 3. Agree with anything she says and never disagree -no matter how wild or insane. Key Rule in communicating with her: 1. Ask no questions. 2. Give no explanations. You are going to give two opposite messages at opposite times. By your actions you will be saying "I Don't Need You." At opposite times you will be telling everyone else, especially your children, "She is a great person." These two messages never come together in normal life. I don't need you and You're a great person. Normally, people who say I don't need you, also say and I hate you. People who say You're a great person, also say and I love you. But never do I don't need you and You're a great person come together. This is what you will be doing. It makes no sense in a normal relationship, but you are no longer in a normal relationship. You are dealing with a woman in a midlife crisis. 5. Do what made you interesting to her in the beginning. Go after your individual interests, spend time with other people, play the piano, garden, wood working, tennis. Have both men and women friends. Once again, you are not doing this for revenge. Feel relaxed, confident, happy, energetic and positive. BEING THE GREATEST DAD Now is your time to become the greatest dad to your kids, especially if they are under 12 years old. A midlife crisis rips the mother instinct out of mothers and this is very hard on children. You’ll need to become more involved in their lives, more caring of their emotional concerns, more ready to make up for the loss of their mothers time, security and attention. It will not be there. You’ll also balance tough but fair at all times because this loss of their mother as they knew her will throw some of your kids into a great deal of emotional turmoil. You must become the stable, steady dad your kids can come to for love, affection and encouragement. That’s why it’s so important that you feel good about yourself. Kids can’t get what they need from a dad who is an emotional, self centered wreck. If your kids are teens, you’ll need to focus on being tough but fair. Teens test parents anyway, but when their mother becomes possessed by somebody else, teens with raging hormones often lose any stability they did have. As dad, you need to step in and be as fair as you can, but when it comes to your teen getting out of control with every evil in the world, you’ll need to stand tough for them when they have no internal ability to do it. BEING THE MAN You need to become strong enough to stand up for yourself, but not in a combative way. You have self respect and you must feel self assured that you are not dependent on your wife for happiness. In her current state, she cannot make you feel anything but bad anyway, so stick with this plan. It is a very different plan because your wife is in a very different situation…she has been captured by terrorists! If you respect yourself, and you must, you will not allow yourself to be manipulated. Don't stop her manipulation like some angry and hurt husband, but more like a confident company president who is in a high level professional negotiation. He never loses his cool as he protects his business. That's how you'll be with your chaos kid in the middle of her midlife crisis should she attempt to take advantage of you. Don't allow her to create a win/lose for you or your children. You move for win/win. The chaos engine that runs your wife will never respect a man who is uncertain. Be certain by paying attention to the How To Become What Your Chaos Kid Cannot Have. PERSONAL APPEARANCE •Pay attention to your personal appearance. •Update your clothing to current fashion for your age group. •Become a neat and attractive dresser. •Change your hair cut and get hair dresser attention. •Keep your clothes and shoes clean. •Get a makeover, change your glasses, work out. •Exercise…run, swim, bike, lift weights, softball, martial arts, yoga, rock climbing, surf, something you like and keep it up. •Rent comedies; hang out with moral friends who make you laugh. •Listen to relaxing music, schedule a massage. •Stay in a good mood and start having gratitude for all you have. STOP ENERGY DRAINERS •Stop internet time of more than an hour- it [censored] the life out of you. •Stop checking email constantly- limit it, get to the point with people. •Stop porn -It drags you through an energy draining fantasy world and sets you up to cross other moral fences. •Stop video games-limit it so it does not possess your life away from people. •Stop TV-the worst of all time and energy drainers - you feel drugged and lazy the more you watch. THREE KINDS OF AFFAIR WOMEN You might find your wife in one of these three descriptions. If you do, read the paragraph so you know what’s going on when you see it happening if she is in an affair now. PERFECT /PEACE, Softhearted Woman These wives have a high need to pursue the right thing and that right thing is sensitivity to her feelings, and respect for who she is. Because this wife has always done everything for everyone else so she can feel better about herself, in an affair, this girl gets a strong attachment to the affair guy. He becomes her knight in shining amour who will save her from this empty marriage. If you're married to this girl, you definitely don't want to pursue or pressure her because she will attach herself to the affair even faster. Because this Perfect Peace girl longs for sensitivity and respect, she will cling to that guy till he dumps her. You know this Perfect/ Peace girl is your wife because it took a long time for you to attract her, but once you did, she was very loyal. FUN /PERFECT, Softhearted woman If your wife is outgoing, highly social, laughs easily, really affectionate and very impulsive who can also be quite the perfectionist and very sensitive, then you have a Fun Perfect, softhearted woman. She probably never controlled her feelings very well. She's looking for that love feeling again and believes that if she's not feeling love from you, then it must not be there. You need to pay attention to the How To Become What Your Chaos Kid Can't Have. PEACE /PERFECT, Softhearted woman If your wife has always been on the shy side, quite the deep thinker who would rather listen to people than talk, usually cautious and not a risk taker, then she is a Peace /Perfect women who needs respect for who she is and sensitively for her feelings in that order. This girl is not looking for a long term commitment from her affair, but instead she just wants someone to affirm her, respect her as one who can satisfy another man's needs. She wants to be validated that she still is a valuable woman because you never made her feel that way. She struggles with guilt and she feels unworthy of your love, even though this affair is not the way to handle it. Eventually, she'll put feelers out to find out if you're willing to forgive her for the affair and that's when you need to turn on the acceptance, forgiveness and patience in a big way. When she does put those feelers out, ask about her concerns and her fears. Let her voice them without judgment. Give her a warm and accepting environment to come back to. Ease her guilt. THE OTHER FAMILY If you find out that your wife is having an affair with another man, it is your obligation to your own family and his, to alert his wife. You do this calmly and firmly. Call the woman up and let her know the proof you have. Leave it to her to pressure the guy. The majority of men will go back to their families when caught in an affair. That will leave your wife suddenly alone and that's a good thing. In the mean time, you are being the I don't need you, You're a great person, husband. Not in any way are you that old guy who was asleep at the marriage wheel. MOST OF ALL: Remember that there is nothing you did to justify her affair. There are things you did to make her weak to the temptation, but you didn’t cause it. She will one day accept responsibility for her actions once she comes out of the midlife crisis. When your cheating wife does come back, you must let her know that she is now in the position of healing and earning your trust. That means she will have to let you do spot checks of her financial records, phone and email records. If she is sincere, she will agree. Ultimately, what got her here is her troubled childhood where she never received the self esteem, self worth, and feeling that she could accomplish important and worthy things. Because of that childhood all those years ago, for the rest of her adult life, she will question if she is an equal to others. Of all the people in her life, she wanted that validation stamp of approval from you. Eventually, as she works her way back home, she will get that from you. Once the affair has been dealt with, never, never bring it up again in any way, shape or form. If your marriage has fallen so far that she has moved out of the house and you are separated, be certain that you live your "two message lifestyle" explained above. Should she bring up the topic of her moving back into the house, don’t let her sense that you need her to be home. Act like you have all the time in the world to wait till she works out her need to feel she has found her value and independence. Wait until she becomes urgent about the moving back home idea. Let her pester you about it. Don’t ever pester her. Key Issue: No long conversations. Don't talk a lot. Keep your statements short and to the point. If you are face to face, on the phone, leaving a voice mail, writing her an email, sending her a text, everything will be short. "You bringing the kids?" "When are you home?" "Got milk?" Be sure you never use her first name in anything. That’s part of the plan. It's so important that you remember this is NOT in any way, shape or form a normal marriage relationship. This is a crisis relationship. It requires a whole new set of rules. The biggest rule is NO LONG CONVERSATIONS. "Ok, no prob. Gotta go." Most important: Make her feel like she is in control of everything she can possibly control. Let her control her finances, her personal decisions, who she associates with, how the children should be dealt with, what she wants to do next with her time. But when it comes to joint ownership of anything or to the use of your time and resources, you have needs that must also be respected, regardless of your sorted history with her in the past. You don't need her to condemn you for anything and neither does she need any condemnation from you. Again, keep everything short. "We’ll deal with it later. Gotta run." Warning: Never say "I don’t' care." or "I no longer care." or "That's because I just don't care." It does not matter how you express it, this is a very bad phrase. Stay away from ever saying it. You DO care, but you are caring enough to take on a whole new plan for this woman in crisis. That's how much you care. Men say that "I don't care" phrase in their attempt to protect their feelings from mean stuff coming from their Chaos Kid wives. This is NOT how you protect yourself. You live the plan I've laid out BECAUSE YOU CARE. Why are you doing things so differently? I can’t repeat this enough...she's a different woman now. She is possessed by her chaos engine. She's not the girl you married anyway. You love the woman she used to be, not the woman she's become. That girl you married was kind, warm, caring, sensitive to your needs, helpful, encouraging to you and so many other good things. This new woman run by the chaos engine is cold, self centered, nasty, distant, and competitive. That's why you want to agree with everything she says and does because agreement keeps the engine from getting out of hand. Resistance just gives it more power. NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE: If your chaos kid wife demands you leave the house, make sure you never do. Your point is simple. "Since it was you who became unhappy, then you need to leave home where all our routine takes place. If you want new, then new is out there." Imagine your teen age son demanding that he was not happy and that you move out of your own house. That would be nuts! Same with your chaos kid wife. If there's any moving to do, it needs to be her. You'll say "I want you to stay, and I'd rather you did, but I will not stop you from leaving if that's where you believe you happiness is." Give her the freedom to make her own choice, but be clear on this point…don’t fight about it. Stay calm and stay home. HER OWN ROOM If she decides to stay in the house, let her have her own room where she can feel safe. It should have a lock on the door that you have installed and give her all the keys. (remember, this is not your wife we are talking about). This woman is a new stranger who is living in your house and you want to treat that stranger with respect and privacy. You would never expect sex from a female guest who was living in your house so don't expect it of your chaos wife. That's way too much pressure. You'll want to take over the house chores because this new woman will be out searching for her new self. TIME Experts in this area estimate that it will take two to five years before this crisis runs its course. The more traumatic her childhood, the longer it could last. Get that time in your head because you don’t ever want to get anxious. You need that time to become the husband you should have been. It’s great time to learn how to become a man, who serves, cares and is happy within himself. You will also need that time for your chaos kid to disconnect from the affair she was in. It might have been the love of a fantasy, but it was still love to her. Give her time to disconnect from it. During this time, don't ask for assurances; don't talk about “us” because there is no “us”. If there is going to be affection between you during this time, make sure it's HER that initiates it, even if it's just a hug. As far as you are concerned, this is a stranger living in your house. Treat her that way. ELIMINATE FEAR/LONELINESS The reason a chaos kid wife does not recommit to her husband is fear. She's afraid that the changes in you will not be real changes, but only cosmetic. The fear of facing all her nightmare all over again is too much and it creates great fear. Keep doing all you can to follow these instructions. My plan requires you to put the focus on your children and your new social circle so you don’t sit home at night alone. The last thing you ever want during this time is to feel lonely. Loneliness is a killer to men in this situation. Make plans with your kids, be with people, make things happen because Night + Internet + Alone = FAILURE MISSING OUT The burning need that set off your wife’s chaos engine is not only the loss of that important and valuable feeling, but the feeling that your wife is missing out on something and life is very short. That's why you want to encourage her to go after career dreams, new skills, talents, her ideas. A WAY TO SEE YOUR WIFE NOW Imagine that a psychiatrist tells you “Mr. Jones, I’m afraid that your wife is mentally ill and I want to admit her into a psych hospital for observation.” My question to the husband is “How would you treat her after hearing that?” Every man says he would be very different, in other words, he would follow this plan. This will help you every day to imagine that you are visiting your wife in the mental ward where you don’t say much, and you do a lot of listening and acknowledging. You make no demands of her and you don’t stay that long. This is, by all reports, exactly what you need to do to stay sane while your wife appears to have lost who she used to be. This is not supposed to be easy so don’t ask it to be. What you do want to ask is that you come out of this a wiser and stronger man, a better dad and a husband your recovered wife will love like never before.
