Hey.....I am the queen of run on sentences.........and that's why I use so many.............of these................
Quote:
Sandi is the ww going through some difficulties as well or does the selfish nature override his? Or is it all channeled elsewhere .. Like to me? I always concern myself with me .. Not really realizing she is gong through some heavy sheot - dealing with it or not ..
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I don't remember reading from a newcomer LBH who guessed anywhere close to his WW's mindset, and he usually starts out giving her too much benefit of doubt. To answer your question, yes, she does go through her own difficulties. And yes, her selfishness overrides a lot of that pain when she's at her peak of rebellion. Her self-centerness is the motivation. Some women have a ton of anger that drives them, too. But the selfishness is the common denominator I have seen in every single thing I have read, observed and studied.
I believe there the level of waywardness, and the speed to its rebellious stage, varies with women and their particular situation.
Her unmet emotional needs, unmet expectations, disappointment in her H and M (or their lives together)......may have (or not) been expressed earlier in the M and he didn't get the message. Resentment and bitterness begins to grow in her heart and she feels more and more disrespect for her H. She may stay with him for years, or just months, before she finally does something in an act of rebellion against her H. She may try to cover all the negative feelings in some wild, uncharacteristic, or morally wrong behavior..........but she is definitely acting out of her emotions. Her feelings can change almost minute to minute b/c of the turmoil and confusion in her brain. I believe a lot of WW's can have periods their H's would think they were completely unstable.......and he could be right. At times, they seem to just flip out, leaving the H in a state of bewilderment.
Even if she appears to try and prove how happy she is with her new man, lifestyle, or whatever..........it is pseudo happiness. There is no contentment. She can't really be happy with all that anger inside of her. The WW has to go through facing consequences, owning responsibility for the wrong she's done, swallowing her pride, forgiving her H for everything in the past, and feeling remorse for the pain and hell she has caused with her terrible, wayward behavior. And let me tell you.........it is not easy and it sure isn't pleasant for her.
It isn't the same pain her H experiences, but she does hurt. If she didn't have some emotional pain, then I would suspect he was just seeing her true colors for the first time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok I need someone away from my sitch to decipher what is going on .. Forest for the trees. Wife has been steadily ramping up her outings, basically wants to be single. Well this being fd weekend she sets up for my daughters to spend the evening with me- no prob I loved it. Wife tells me - I'll be late can you sat at home- I've been staying at another location on and off to give her "space". Knew from past experience (lately)that something out of the ordinary would occur...well a teacher at the school my w works is single f and younger by 12 yrs... She's been on several outings with this woman in the group of m & s friends. Well tonight she rolls in at 1:30 with this woman in tow and now she's on my couch snoring away ... What in the h... Very foggy at my house fog fog fog eveywhere. What d you guys make of this?
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
And to top it off this could be a teacher of my d8 ... That's a nice moment to see your 4th grade teacher hungover asleep on your couch in your home... The same one you read to me on and I fall asleep on the one I spend time with my family on ... I would have set a boundary but had no idea something like this would occur.
Is this strange to anyone else?
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
Unfortunately, it's not strange to read about WW's hanging out with younger singles/divorced friends. As I described in my previous post, you will see uncharacteristic behavior in her. The more influence this friend has on her, the worse your W will probably behave. If you try to prevent the friendship, the more she rebells.
You can set boundaries for what goes on under your roof. If that woman is a potential teacher for your child, I think you have strong grounds to request another teacher (Should your child be assigned to her class). Take it to the school principal, and if that doesn't work, take it to the superintendent, and all the way to the school board. If they have another teacher of the same grade, then they should grant your request.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi ss always excellent advice and viewpoint. My wife and I have a combined mc session tomorrow. I know that most say that w is not ready for mc... And am aware of them using it to give D. Trying to anticipate what other senarios could play out. I was leaning towards her telling the mc they she was done and looking for her to give the ok , since there was nothing she could do - since she says she's done. On another front iher parents have started putting pressure on her for several bad decisions she's made... Calling her on them. She thinks I was involved but I assured I was not...and I think she agreed. Being of a family of strong faith BD ties to church . I don't know if this helps for lifting of her rebellion or fog of whatever... They know very little of what has gone on If I the pressure from them facilitates some sort of change .. Should I provide the inlaws with a trickle of more info hey have no idea of?
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
Well here's the thing, even if they were able to pressure her into staying with you, they can't force her to feel respect and love for you. It could, however, make her detest you more, and make life as miserable as she could for everyone around her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi I don't think it's so much pressure to stay in the marriage as its a wake up call from those other than me that your self destructing... Alot of things they want to address don't have direct ties to m. Just poor life choices. So I was wondering if they could trigger a wake up call or something... Perhaps ? She is self destructing slowly and I fear she will lose everything in the process ... Me , her kids ,family , church, job, friends,, .. Everything...does it take this to realize the poor choices you've made have been wrong and hit bottom.?
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
She is self destructing slowly and I fear she will lose everything in the process ... Me , her kids ,family , church, job, friends,, .. Everything...does it take this to realize the poor choices you've made have been wrong and hit bottom.?
Sometimes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My WW is throwing it all away as well. The level of selfishness is unlike anything I've witnessed. I am guilty of underestimating her mindset that NOTHING matters except her. The kids, the finances, community status, etc.... she is flushing it all down the toilet for her own needs and desires. I can't offer any advice except be strong and weather the storm.
GG
Me 45 W 39 D: 8,6 Married 14 years Start MC: Sept '15 BD: 3/30/16 End MC: 4/21/16 PA confirmed: 6/8/16 W moves to basement: 6/12/16
Well as many have said mc is a big waste of time. I need input from the others out there...that may have had similar experiences.
We had our first mc seassion together ... She got right into it. My w basically stuck to her story of being done. She is not open to any type of saving , reconciling, or work to save our marriage ... None zero nada No reasons given other than a few .. When asked about what would make her perfect marriage .. More social outings together , do what I say I'm going to do , activities together... Ect Ect basically came down to she just had no love for me .
The mc gave us work to reflect on our role in all of this and to look inward to find out own happiness ... Sounds familiar ... She had yet to come to the realization that she needs to find her own happiness not to expect it from a feeling provided by me being there... Or not
Then the real f&"k up... My pursuit of her possibility of being in or continuing any type of affair still inhabits my mind. Well I met with a pi and gave him my info. I txt my mom who has been supportive through this ... Well she thought she was txt my sister to tell her but instead txt my wife with the pi info...BD on my part ... Unintentional...
Don't think it really made much difference cause she has been constant on where she is . What wisdom can you veterans give a wounded person in this situation..
I don't think I can carry the torch for working out anymore...just too painful and it's a long shot at best... Whatever could go wrong has gone wrong...
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
