Ok, you nailed it, we had a conversation, and we actually said I will resent her if she doesn't quit and she will resent me if she does. We do have a problem.
Right now, I am not nor have tried to control any other aspect of her life, but if she quits firefighting who knows if my focus would turn elsewhere. I just don't know, because I'm not in that spot. I've nvr been a controlling person, but I don't know if this experience will alter my personality.
I really need to think this through, maybe one option is to get her to do the bare minimum, only go to school and calls when she has to.. No volunteering at other functions, no truck checks, and agree to her finishing the 7 weeks of academy left, then readdress in 7 weeks. Maybe by then he will have switched to another station and I can gain some trust.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
How much do these posts play a part in your triggers? Looking back, it would appear it affects you a great deal. Maybe taking a day or two away from the board would help you feel a bit more centered.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The kind of resentment that occurs when a wife continues to volunteer (volunteer, didn't realize that and now more than ever I encourage you to say that is a non-negotiable boundary) is much more damaging and severe that any resentment Mrs. Coconut could ever feel towards her husband who required her to discontinue such destructive and hurtful volunteering.
Besides ---> who should she really be upset or resentful at? She's the one that ruined this situation with her "mistake". Quiting that volunteer position is a consequence of her choices.
Of course, you are not her keeper. She's absolutely free to keep the volunteer position if she wants. You don't need to be angry or demanding. Just insist calmly that if she wants to maintain, recover and rebuild her relationship with you, the volunteer position must, for now (maybe express a minim of 1 year) go bye-bye.
Think about this. Compare her short lived little "mistake" affair (which I'm minimizing sardonically - because I think it's much more than a "mistake") coupled with her CONTINUING, indefinitely, to volunteer with that same guy and the resulting lifetime potential resentment quotient thereof to the lifetime potential resentment quotient of having to give up a volunteer firefighting position because she made out and carried on with a co-voluneer. They just don't compare in the least. The first one is the kind that results in divorce. The latter is merely a consequences of her choices and she'll get over it. Absent a great recovery, Cocunut is never going to get over his resentment and if forced to swallow her continuing hurtful to continue volunteering with OM, their marriage won't make it.
If I've said this once, I've said it a thousand times ----> YOU MATTER.
Coconut matters. She doesn't have to quit the job or be resentful about leaving it at all. She'd just be choosing that volunteer job over Coconut and then Coconut will know it's time for him to move on to someone that is actually considerate of his feelings. This isn't a test, but it's sure telling.
Waywards are full of selfishness and entitlement. I'd fully expect her to be angry and manipulative. To try to turn this into you being controlling or a jerk or even a dream crusher. You are nothing of the sort. She ruined the volunteer endeavor herself and someday, when the two of you have pieced together again an extraordinary marriage she'll see how right you were to require it. She may threaten back - threaten to not recover and leave you if you make her do this (which is her manipulative attempt to control you - because having that volunteer position is in no way a boundary for her to remain in your marriage). You must remain strong and await her coming back around to doing what she has to do.
Coming back to it being a volunteer position - volunteering does make a difference. This isn't her career. It's not putting food on the table. She's not missing out on a job she went to college for. She's only out a couple of months of part time "academy". MAYBE she can do it again in the future especially if OM moves on or leaves town OR you guys move. Running around all hours of the night with a bunch of men. Building such comradarie with a group of men all in the process of "getting off" being pseudo-firefighters (and the likely attitude they get firefighter lifestyle with it) is just way too much for you to have to endure. You are the victim here and shouldn't be made to feel guilty for requiring her behave trustworthy.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Ginger, you are not triggering me, if anything your helping talk me down from the ledge. I relate to what your saying, the problem is my fears relate to what Georgia is saying, which very closely mirrors what Sandi said in beginning of my sitch, about W working with OM, but we are in a different place than we were back then.
Sandi, I will take some time away to think things thru, I'll see you all in a few days.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Is her doing what I ask and being responsive to my actions enough?
More and more I think about leaving, the more I think about it, the more I realize she's had no consequence for her betrayal. I wanted her back so bad when I realized I was losing her that as soon as she was willing I grabbed her and brought her back into the M. I want you to have N.c with OM I told her, I don't want to leave academy she said, ok I agreed, but minimize contact.
No one except my cousin knows what has happened from me (and she got upset I told him), but she's told 4 friends and didn't tell me until I asked if she had.
She told S we were having issues, I never said anything.
The only fall out she's had is me posting it on firefighter group chat, but then I wrote an apology letter to her captain, for posting private issues at his station.
I'm not a girly man, but I definitely haven't been a man in this situation. I wanted her back so badly I jumped at the opportunity and took the lead, big mistake, cause now I want to run.
I think I'm gonna bring it up in MC tomorrow, my position is basically going to be I'm leaving at the end of July, I'll help with mortgage as long as house goes on market, if she refuses she can figure out how to pay (she can't afford it, but doesn't want to sell).
I'll give her until then to do everything possible to convince me she wants me, if she doesn't then I'm gone. I'm not interested in postponing my suffering, she can keep her fire fighting, and see other people if she wishes, but if she wants to be with me, she needs to put in some work.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Coconut I'm not gonna say too much because I know Sandi will be along to give much better advice than I can. But I will say that it has been a very short time for you to be making demands like that. I understand the frustration and I was totally there a long time ago. Just don't make any long term decisions about your marriage based on your short term feelings. I think you need to just listen a lot in MC tomorrow. just my opinion
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
You want her to pay right now. You want her to feel an ounce of what your feel. You want her on her hands and knees begging, admitting she did something so awful and she will do whatever it takes.
That might make you feel like you got a little retribution for a short time.
There may be nothing she can do to make you want believe she is sorry and wants the M. Or some time and work and continued counseling may help you heal.
Only you know. But like cbtdad said, don't make any long term decisions on short term feelings.
I agree, after more contemplation I am going to bring up that I feel like I'm doing all the work and that I don't feel that is helping me heal at all. I will let her know that I would like for her to take the lead, that I will work on me as well as follow her lead.
I will not attach time frames or leaving. I think I threw that in to pressure her to do what I want, but if she does it because I pressured her, then that would negate what I want, her to do it on her own.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
