Last Father's Day I was really mad at him for not spending time with son on that day. My anger was built up because weekends prior he had went away with friends, and shopped to helphis mom pick out stuff for her house. Because of husbands sleeping issues which was probably my true source of tension and an issue we had for many years, (Husband Would wake up at 2 or 3, run errands for himself and have no time for us) he really had limited time to spend with us. He would go all week seeing son for about 5 minutes while he got ready for work.
Anyway, that Father's Day he woke up late and then went with his mom to fathers grave and didn't come back till late because of traffic. My son was crying and I made a comment to him saying his dad would prefer him to spend time with his son on Father's Day. Husband said this was the worst thing I ever said to him. That I used his fathers death to inflict guilt. That I was verbally abusive. And he was leaving.
He cited this as the reason of how horrible I was for months after bomb drop and why it would be hard for him to reconcile. Until I took him to court 5-6 months later for child support, thn that became the new reason.
So this is one of the reasons I have such a strong mistrust of counselors....
By this time, husband and I were each seeing our marriage counselor for separate sessions.
For Father's Day, I had bought him gift certificates for a car wash. 1 or 2 weeks later after BD I was asking him if there was other woman. He started yelling about what a crappy gift car wash gift certificates were. I told him I was only part time and thought he would like them because he cares so much about his car. He said he will use them, but everyone he talked to said what a awful gift..I asked him who he talked to that would even think to criticize a gift? And he was reluctant to answer.
In the past, every gift i bought was always exchanged or returned so buying him gifts was always a struggle for me. He likes technology and I have very little understanding of it. Him and his mom had a set up where each of them would tell each other what they wanted and then buy it so no dissapointment, and I never did this because to me, it wasn't really a gift. Just buy it yourself.
Gift giving is the last thing on my LL list though.
Anyway...I had an appt with the marriage counselor and told her about how angry he was over the gift....SHE WAS THE ONE THAT HE TALKED TO ABOUT WHAT A CRAPPY GIFT IT WAS and AGREED WITH HIM!!!! she even talked to me about it, and then said something like "well I guess if he likes cars it wasn't that bad"
Anyway, she was agreeing and siding with both of us during these private sessions so we would keep going to her, but not really discussing the importance of working through a marriage or seeing things from different views. Totally different then my sessions of phone with DB coach.
Anyway, Father's Day brings back bad memories for me. Because he was coming up with excuses to be mad at me and to justify his leaving. Making it out like it was all my fault with these incidents was actually worse then him leaving. It is why I am so mad... It was some sort of MIND GAME and I cannot forgive him for that. Because I was so guilty and felt like I was just set up.
Btw, I do feel bad about making an insensitive comment regarding his father. I always regretted that comment. Although I still feel, that life is for the living and he should have spent more time with son.
I think he didn't know how to communicate or work on our real issues, so was coming up with excuses. Or perhaps a good offense is a strong defense. And he was trying to hide my questions of OW.
I don't know.
This year, I bought him a gift certificate for a restaurant him and my son like to go. my son also made him lots of cute stuff at school. He thanked me for it.
For Christmas I bought him things from son, that he could do with son (like kite and football) and will continue to do that for future because they are really gifts for son.
I don't know if it's time of month, or stress over upcoming lawyer appt but I have not been doing well. I am replaying specific incidents in my marriage and getting really angry and upset.
Read my past few posts and I don't know if getting mad at these incidents is helpful or just obsessive thoughts.
Is this what WAS did to justify leaving? Am I playing victim?
Is this me villifying so I too can move on and suffer loss less?
Or am I coming to terms with what was a pretty toxic relationship? There are some incidents I keep replaying in my mind and I'm not sure I want to write about them. Almost did, but then luckily that wave of emotion passed and I'm able to look at things more rationally.
It's so confusing to see him act friendly and put on pretenses when there has been so much cruelty.
How is someone even capable of detaching so much from their family?
Back in October, we all went out for dinner at his request. He was angry and sullen and I was stupidly and naively trying to apply the " act as if " concept. In the car when he was dropping us off, I went and put my hand on his and he pulled it away like I had leprosy! It was the way a man should pull their hand away if they were married and Another woman was hitting on him. That rejection was so humiliating. I can't even imagine ever having confidence to make a move like that with any man.
I had that same experience with H - except it was a few weeks into the M! We were driving on a family trip and I was just feeling so happy and content that we were all together, so I reached out and took his hand - and he pulled his away like a snake had bit him and glared furiously at me. I have never found out what that was about.
Sorry to hijack, just was reminded...
I know that when H was away, or if I'm not in contact with him, I get more angry. I guess the loving feelings get less so the anger comes to the surface.
It's also a heck of a full moon!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Sorry to hear that you're having a hard time too. So am I. I guess the grieving process is cyclical instead of linear, and we weave through the emotions in and out, in and out. I used to get really stressed out by the L appts too and would drag my feet in doing my homework. So I totally get how you feel.
(((JJb))
I think you are processing your memories and coming to terms with your M. You are like me; we like to put our thoughts down. It can be cathartic if we jot down our thoughts and memories, process them and then file them away. I don't know if we can gain acceptance of the sitch without ever trying to figure out what happened. However, we can get caught in an OCD loop if we ruminate obsessively. And no matter how hard we try, we will probably never be able to truly understand everything that happened.
I get angry too. And I realise that I get angry when I struggle or when kid is struggling. A certain amount of anger is healthy in helping me get on but I realise too much of it just paralyses me.
Use your anger constructively, Jjb.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I am realizing right now how nice and easy anger is. It's not as difficult to lose someone your so angry at.
I don't know if I am hormonal or entering the mourning phase which is just so much worse. Today is the first time I wanted my husband back in a long time. I was talking about an area husband and I once travelled to with someone and thought about him. I thought about how if he would ask, I would long to work torwards reconciliation (as long as no other woman). I know he is gone though...he has withdrawn completely.
Perhaps it was triggered from consult with lawyer. I consulted with a different attorney today and I am sick that I am going to most likely make a move that will protect me and son but feels so disloyal to husband.
And I know rationally why I should do this. I know that by leaving us he has not been loyal to me. I know that his choices and beliefs do not serve the best interests of my son. I know that he fired me and is not technically my husband. I know he will always look out for himself first.
But it still feels wrong to me and Feels like a betrayal and a disloyalty. I want so badly to call him and just be honest and talk. If I do that I will be setting myself up. I hate the lawyers and the process.
When I complain or get angry at my husband it's ok. But when an attorney or someone else seems to critique him my initial gut instinct is to stand up for him and get upset.
It's so bad because I don't have anyone to trust...lawyers have legal knowledge but not my best interest. My family has my best interest at heart but they have no legal knowledge and they are very angry.
I still want to trust husband and work with him and that's so stupid.
