I haven't really found Dory but I should be on my way.
I have found a pole, though, and I find myself enjoying my pole-dancing classes enormously.
It was fun and silly as we tried to wriggle our hips and flip our hair. How does the instructor make it look so simple and on 3-inch heels too???
But oh, what fun it was as we twirled on the pole! And giggled and twirled some more. There's something totally freeing and exhilarating when we managed to stay on the pole and twirled...
Maybe I should install a pole in my new flat.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Now I have recognized this in myself and have learnt how it steemed from my parents. I am working hard to retrain and find new coping mechanisms and have been much better, something my W has commented on about my relationship with my kids.
Good job, keep this up.
Originally Posted By: Si_07
My question would be, if your X had recognized this and working hard on it, would there be things you would look for and would you have received from him as genuine?
I would have looked for self-awareness. Is he aware that he has terrified me and kid? Is he aware that there are other ways of acting even when one is frustrated? Is he aware that I cannot make him go on a rampage and he is the one who is in control of his actions?
Then I would look to see if he assumes responsibility for his actions and anger. And finally empathy and remorse. He has to really feel our pain and fear, and be sorry for it. It is this empathy of pain that will prevent him from losing control of his anger again.
After one year of counselling, sad to say, he seems to only have gained awareness and this awareness stops at the intellectual level.
There is a change in his behaviour. He is more patient. But it could also be because I am going very dim and there isn't much that I do to push his buttons.
Originally Posted By: Si_07
Even though W said she felt scared, (something she denied to other friends), when she was still in the house with me, her actions didn't match her words. She also left our kids with me, I took them on holidays, and this was never questioned. I know I will continue to work on me and see what happens.
For me, I was truly worried for both my and kid's safety during his rampages. But once the x had calmed down, I realised that I was the trigger, and not so much kid. As long as I am not in his way to getting what he wants, kid is safe.
Kid is wary though of making her father angry. She doesn't dare to act up with him the way she acts up with me.
Did you ever get really angry in front of your kids? Or was it only during interactions with your W?
Originally Posted By: Si_07
One thing I will add, I have not been the one that has been physically abusive in my R. My W has on 2 occasions. I never went on rampages (just reading more of your story) but frustration would get the better of me especially when I could not seem to get her to hear my hurt. I would calm down pretty quick and would always apologise and look to make it up to her. I knew last year in particular I was broken, it took me awhile to say to myself I needed help, and it do take the shock of losing my family, but I did and I am doing that.
Have you ever called your W out on her behaviour? It's nice of you to apologise for your angry. The x never ever did that. What do you do when you're angry?
I don't know if your W is gaslighting you but one way to check is to take an honest look at how the other people close to you react when you're angry.
The x's parents, kid and I all walk on eggshells when he's angry.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Thanks for you comments, for me it wasn't so much anger as a frustration. At times I just felt like pulling my hair out, you know. I was also suffering from burn out and stress as we were building a house. There were many feelings of my own that I just couldn't seem to explain to W, I would write letters trying to explain my feelings and my remorse for the actions but seemed to rarely get my W to understand. It was more just a hurting that built and when I had words and thoughts put in my mouth and head by W, I would just get frustrated and walk away often. At times she would push me for more and times I would keep trying to explain which meant things went on to long. My kids have never said they were/are scared of me, I think it was more an impatience that got the better of me at times. This led to becoming inconsistent, and as she kept this contact with her work colleague, guess we just threw ourselves out of loop. Thank me again for your comments.
Si, I think apologies for what you have done are fine.
However, I feel that one sincere apology is enough. Anything that is repeated and excessive will either feel like pursuing or make your W feel that her actions are justified. She may feel that she's right to leave you because you keep reminding her of what you have done wrong.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I had a missed call laat night and figured that it was kid calling to say goodnight.I called back and the x picked up the call. He didnn't sound too thrilled to hear my voice. He didnt want to speak to me when kid passed the phone to him.
Poor kid.
So the x's goodwill has run out.
We had prepared a Father's Day gift for him. I won't be wishing Happy Father's Day. He hadn't thanked me for the gift as well. I don't think there will be further communication with him since kid swop is now coordinated through online calendars.
Today was a me day. Pampered myself to the hilt with a scrub and a massage. Will be following up with The conjuring 2. Yesterday was pole dancing plus family.
I realised that wrt to my mum, I need to go dim. She is still prone to vitriolic spews - she insisted that the reason why I gave the x so much access to kid is so that I could do selfish things like pole dancing.
Right. So no more mum for a very long time. Although it hurts to see how much she is deteriorating, I know that there is nothing I can do or say to convince her to seek help. I have tried for years, and at the expense of my.M.
My brother could plainly see that my mum is no longer making a lot of sense nor can she remember a lot of things. But ostriches, ostriches.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I am so sorry about your mom. Not an easy thing to see or have to listen to. my mom criticizes as well. But more because she feels like I am too weak regarding husband and should be plotting ways to make his life miserable. I get that she is trying to protect me in the way she knows how....by nagging!
My brother lived with my parents a while ago to save up money. I asked him how the hell did he survive? He said he had to get high a lot to cope! (He's actually an extremely bright and responsible professional with great job and family)
I know you know this, but doing something fun and active for yourself is good for kid too. You will be in better spirits around kid and healthier as well.
I have to say, that while I do not like losing my child every other weekend, that "me time" is a nice break. More then I ever got before. You want to hear something funny? I have a coworker who is so overwhelmed with her job, and kids (one who also has behavior issues) , and husband's hobbies that she frequently comments on how nice it must be for me. I can tell she is getting Frusturated and I certainly do not encourage my life...it's not what i wanted. But I do have more freedom and I am happier and slowly laughing and socializing more.
I found going dim to be the best approach for me mentally as well. My husband also doesn't look well. He is putting on weight again. He is having trouble with his beloved car. Etc. I too have compassion for him. But just from a distant point.
Glad you pampered yourself today. You definatly deserved it.
Hi Jjb, Thanks for dropping by. My mum is in the nasty mouth stage of dementia. She thinks I am a slut for wanting to R, that I am a slut for getting D and that I am a slut for even letting x have access to kid.
Am too tired to fight this battle so I will just have to go dim on her.
I enjoy my freedom but I sometimes am at a loss of what to do with myself. There are only so many movies I can watch, so many chores I can do. My married friends envy me my freedom but hey, between you and me, I would rather have a family to go back to every night.
I guess I will just have to svck it up and fill my hours up somehow. Sometimes I try to self-soothe by saying that this would probably have been my lifestyle if I had remained single.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I can imagine it is so difficult to see your mom go through the dementia. Please know she does not think you are a slut. You are a great mom, a woman who wanted to save her family,and someone who is now rebuilding a life for her and her child, and that is one of the bravest, most amazing things you will ever do.
My dad and I are close, but he hates my ex. I mean hates him. My dad treated him like a son, got him the career in which he met OW. My dad never trusted him, but knew I loved him, so did the best he could to embrace him. The day my ex dropped the bomb, my da dfelt I should write him off, never want him back and could not fathom us ever being together. I couldn't express a single feeling to him because my dad thought it was insane I would want someone who did what he did to me and my daughter. I can't discuss the hurt with my exbf's with him either, because the second it's over, everything should be over. My dad still will not speak to the ex and can barely see him unless he has to. 8 years later.
Our parents love us though. But of course the judgement from those we love and trust the most is hard to deal with.
It sounds like you are filling up your time wonderfully. I can feel you want to fill up every hour of every day. It is different when we don't have a partner, doing nothing is quite lovely with a spouse, doing nothing alone can be hard. I get it. Maybe take up a hobby that can be done in the comfort of your own home. An online course, crocheting, cooking, anything that can help you relax rather than run around.
The most important people to me in my life are all females: my dog, my kid, my mother and my grandmother. My dog passed away a few years after M from a freak incident. This is a sore spot between the x, his family and me. The x and his family felt that I blamed them for the dog's death while all I did was seriously to just stfu. I guess there is a history of blame-shifting in the M. There is a whole lot of guilt wrt my dog, as she was the sweetest, most loving dog. She wasn't treated all that well and most times, the x saw her as a nuisance that inconvenienced his life. The x was so angry with me for bringing her into our lives as I couldn't seem to manage the dog well. She wasn't one of those show-worthy dogs.
In the same few years, my mother's mental and physical health started deteriorating and my grandmother passed away from dementia. These events sort of precipitated the start of my existential angst/mini MLC. These two women have suffered and survived a lot in their lives, and I have always sworn to myself as a child that I would take good care of them when I was an adult.
But then I got married and got caught up with life. My sweet grandmother deteriorated from dementia and was eventually placed in a nursing home. There was a lot of guilt and anguish because I wanted to somehow take her home and take care of her but I couldn't because I wasn't living in my own home. I visited her but not as often as I wanted to and it tore me that I couldn't take her on trips when she was still mentally sharp and able to.
She was extremely frail and sick and couldn't recognise most of us by the time she passed away. The x could never understand why I was so haunted by her passing and he was emotionally distant. I remember him being annoyed by the fact that he had to attend her wake and most times, it was just me and kid by ourselves.
Which explains why I was in a panic mode when I saw the same symptoms of dementia in my mother. Tried as I did, no one listened to me and everyone wanted to be an ostrich, including my mother. Her failing health/ memory and the resultant behaviour from dementia took a toll on me and the M.
Work was tough as I had just changed my working environment, and the x was as emotionally distant and curt as ever. He didn't understand my fears, and my longing to have a sense of home. In fact, he once made fun of my longing and left me terribly hurt. To him, I seem to be another inconvenience in his life. He couldn't understand why I wasn't the perfect Stepford wife who could rule the boardroom, and the home, and then always be willing to jump into bed with him at the drop of the hat.
I guess all these just led to an internal melt-down in me. I felt like a big let-down. I felt like a failure for not being able to do anything for the people I cared and loved the most.
Well, the good news is that I am starting to understand how all these FOO issues and M issues have played out in my M and in my life. Knowledge is power, and I am starting to see that it's really time to take care of myself and start living life for myself.
I am not a failure. I am not perfect, but for me, for today, I am enough. Tomorrow, I will be better, but for today, I will be at peace with myself.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
