Where to start

[Keaton]

I did have a question pop into my head. With us doing an in-home separation, how should I deal with daily interaction within the home if we do see each other? Especially as I try to work on detaching.

[Keaton]

Had my IC appointment this evening. Everything went well, and she applauded me for posting on this site. She even mentioned that she was very familiar with MWD's work and went to the same college. Anyways, it was a very good session and had a pretty good day today. Came home and got to spend time with granddaughter and then when I was done, I said gn to W and went to bed. Kinda ticked her off, but oh well.

[Keaton]

Ugh...I haven't, but so want to reach out to W. Miss her, and know that I just have to keep telling myself that I no longer have a W. I know she has her IC appointment after work today, and curious how that will go. The last 2 times that she went, she needed to talk or be around me. Probably from guilt or something, so I'm not sure how I will handle today. Needing to detach, but that has been my biggest problem, all-be-it not my only problem.

I did ask this yesterday, but didn't get any feedback:
With us doing an in-home separation, how should I deal with daily interaction within the home if we do see each other? Especially as I try to work on detaching.

If anyone has any suggestions, or examples of how they handled, that would be a great help!

[Keaton]

So I slipped some but also did good. One of the things that I have been working on for me is my resume. I'm not happy with my job and so I need to start to look for another one. One that I would enjoy and be motivated to actually put forward my full effort and not just coast by. Anyways, the W knows that I am working on this, and some of the jobs that I am looking at are out of state. She says, oh I would like to live there. I should have just left it there, but I couldn't. I asked her, in a non-aggressive manner, "what would change about our situation if we did move to another city\state?" To which she responds, I don't know. It would be a different, different people, different place, maybe get us out of our rut. To which I replied, you really need to think about that, because just because we move doesn't mean that we suddenly become healthy people.

In the back of my head, and something I spoke to my IC about yesterday was, does she really think she's going with me!? Wth would be different about another city? It might be fine for a little bit, but I can easily see her slipping right back into, "I need my space" bs.

I know that I shouldn't have asked her that, but I was just like, how crazy is this woman to think that she would be going with me?

On the plus side, she wanted me to help her pack for her camping trip this weekend, and her camping trip next week. I told her I'm busy. She said, you weren't doing anything when I came in here, to which I responded, I was reading. She got annoyed and walked away. It will sure make volleyball fun this evening, but who cares. She's been a b to me the last few weeks there, whats one more.

Anyway, update over. Have a good night all, will try to checkin later if it's not too late.

[Keaton]

Gd it. Couldn't keep my mouth shut. We just had it out. Almost to divorce. I am so low right now.

[Keaton]

Last night was not a good night. W and I got into it. Argued for like 2-3 hours. We were this close to calling it quits. I basically don't have a leg to stand on since I messed around well before she did, and never told her about it. And it was one of her good friends that she defended because this woman was messing around with some of our other friends' husbands. I don't know. I'm running on about 2 hours, maybe, of sleep right now. This work day is going to be awesome! Any words of encouragement would be welcome right now. I feel like ish, and a complete @ss.

[Coconut]

Keaton, don't worry about a single argument, it's not going to end things... But constant pushing, perusing, arguing builds up and can end things. So just stop initiating R talks, and only validate her feelings when she talks about the R.

I have so many questions and so little understanding of the idea of an open R. It's not something I would ever consider, but I do understand that is what some people want, and it works for them.. However, I am a little confused if you are/were good with an open R, or if you were just going along with the idea to appease your wife. If it was just to appease your W, then I'm sorry, but you got what you asked for.

If your not ok with an open M, I believe you need to set that boundary, which may be really tough at this point, but if you can't be in an open M, you need to find out if your WW can be in an exclusive R.

Based on how open your W is about telling you everything going on with OM's, I believe that her excuse for doing it is that you said you were ok with open M, and as long as she is honest with you, she doesn't feel like she has any reason to feel guilty.

[dream]

Deep breaths. It's not over. You've had a set back. Think about what you said and what happened and figure out how to prevent it from happening again.

I'm guessing there was relationship talk?

As far as daily interaction separated while living together, I think it should be kept to a minimum. Housemates. Not friends, but friendly. Like a neighbor.

[liono]

Hey Keaton, I don't have any mind-blowing revelations for you, but I can relate to the IHS. It's really difficult to figure out how to give space and live separate lives when you're right there.

Couple thoughts on things I'm trying to focus on, maybe they're helpful for you:
* validate validate validate. Conversations are about validating her feelings
* don't talk about the R, and don't talk about your future together either. Sounds like you had a slip talking about possible job move. It's ok, it happens. I think be really careful to not let yourself "bait" her into a conversation. You might be thinking "I'm just going to get her advice about a job, that's not our R..." but it's close enough. It's future, it's related to the both of you. You haven't made a decision yet on the job, just do your thing, focus on whether YOU want it or not. If she left right now and never came back, do you want that job? Stuff like that.
** like for me, one of the things W had a problem with was me not taking care of myself. Used to dress nice, do my hair, etc but now i'm classic shlubby dad. I have no fashion sense, so I've started to buy some nicer clothes and wear things. I ask her if it looks good. Which is OK, she's neutral/fine being my fashion advisor. But it's too close to trying to do something just to appease her. The other day I went out and just did some shopping on my own and made sure to not leave any evidence, no receipts, bags. Just wore my new clothes. Couple days go by: she noticed. "Hey those new jeans" Me; "Oh these? Yeah picked them up the other day" W: "Wow they look really nice on you". Kind of trivial example to some of the other crap you have to deal with, but I'm trying to look for those small wins.
* she has made the choice of in-home separation. This should give you home. She could have moved out or asked you to move out. But she didn't. Doesn't matter the reasons she gave, if it was financial or whatever. She's still making this choice, which is good.
* Trying to be a friendly roommate. Like, happy to help you if you need help with something, not going to be a d**k. But yeah if I have plans, I have plans. "I'd be happy to help you move that furniture. I'm actually in the middle of a good chapter I'm hoping to finish. Just give me 20 minutes, ok?"

[Keaton]

Coconut - I thought at first that I might ok with an open R, but hind-sight being what it is, I know now that I am not. You are also right that I am getting what I deserve for saying that I was ok with it at one point. But a big part of the fight last night was me telling her, trying to set the boundary that I was not ok with an open R. That was a big part of the fight.

I know, I need to avoid the R talks as much as possible and just validate her feelings in what she has to say.