Still here and need support

[poschan]

I'm not sure what I was expecting with my comment. spoken out of my emotional state I guess. I felt like I was being honest by telling her how I felt but realize she does not feel the same way. I need to get better at detaching from her. Are there any techniques that can help me with detaching? Sandi can you direct me to a thread that you refer?

[poschan]

maybe my expectation was to somehow prove to her how important family is an why I wanted to repair the M.

[betterm]

I felt like I was being honest by telling her how I felt but realize she does not feel the same way. I need to get better at detaching from her. Are there any techniques that can help me with detaching? Sandi can you direct me to a thread that you refer?

1. I have no doubt you were being honest in telling her your important values in life, the same way we all do this in our first attempts to win a WW back. the problem is, she's already broken the 'trust' connection with you, and anything you say to her right now will only be met with 'rejection' or 'contempt'. It goes back to the black/white thing in the beginner thread. you can explain to your wife 2+2 really is 4, but she's not interested in what you know/value right now.

2. Like sandi said, read that LBS thread. It's the one I waited last to read, because there was so much content and it was kind of spread around all over the place. But it's definitely worth the time. She knows her sh1t.

3. As far as 'detaching', I think the best thing to do is GAL, GAL, and get more of a life. The more you do, the more connections you build elsewhere that does not involve your W, the easier it becomes to not consume your energy thinking about your W.

For some basic suggestions:
1. You've heard this a hundred times by now, but there is a reason for it... FOCUS ON HEALING YOURSELF, not healing your MR.
2. Give space, not just to your W, but to yourself.
3. Step back, look at your situation objectively, not from inside the circle, or subjectively. Create measureable goals.
4. Figure out what's actually keeping you attached... are they mainly fear based reasons? aspirational reasons? familial reasons?
5. Don't fear the pain or unknown. The pain of detaching is real, but it's also temporary.

[poschan]

thanks betterm. really insightful tips. gives me a lot to think about. right now, I think what is keeping me attached is mostly familial. all the trials and tribulations we have been through; bringing a beautiful d7 into this world, etc. however, lately it seems that anger and contempt seem to be consuming me. I have to somehow turn to more positive thoughts which has been difficult lately.

[poschan]

this morning got a text from WAW that said I am turning d7 against her sine d7 continues to blame WAW that she left her by moving out and that it was all WAW choice. WAW said I told d7 that. I texted back that it was WAW choice and that d7 saw WAW move out.i told WAW that I don't say things to turn her against WAW. I told her I tell her we both love her and reaffirm that this is not her fault. WAW wrote that this was not her choice and I played a major part in the M not working. WAW said yes she left because she was "tired" of being my roommate and said I started working on repair too late (of course). I told her I take ownership for my part and am still working on those aspects.
Funny part is that she never told me about her intentions. I found a list of addresses of houses she was looking at and that's how I found out. She didn't have enough respect to confront me and tell me her intentions? As sandi and others have said "no" she doesn't. was I wrong in replying like this today? she is still not taking ownership for her choice to walk away from me and the marriage by saying I played the major part. I know there was a tear in our communication channel for awhile but that is not all my fault. d7 had been sleeping in our bed for the last year while I was in the guest room. I started sleeping in the guest room since WAW was snoring a lot and I was not getting a good nights sleep. Intimacy and such had long since vanished before that took place.

[poschan]

she texted that our communication confirms that she made the right decision. of course it does, anything to justify it. I need to detach and go more dark. it ain't easy for sure. I know I shouldn't be thinking about this; but how is there any hope for repair when she is in her own place and we don't talk?

[poschan]

We discussed some of the parenting plan and I wanted a clause that said no overnight guests of opposite sex while d7 was with WAW. WAW would not agree and stated already thinking ahead to being engaged and married again. wow how quickly the WAW moves forward. more threats to go to L today. Trying to negotiate MDA and PP.

[PacLove]

We discussed some of the parenting plan and I wanted a clause that said no overnight guests of opposite sex while d7 was with WAW.

It's funny, I had a clause in there saying no meeting of opposite sex partners that either of us might be involved with, she agreed to it but this but it later backfired on me as her justifying the OM - since the agreement alluded to the fact that relationships might be permissible.

[poschan]

d7 with me last night and today then with WAW for the next 2 nights. I realize some of my latest posts were not coming from the best place in my heart. today at breakfast I got sad knowing that d7 is not with me all the time. it hurts. I know I shouldn't be dwelling on that aspect but it creeps in and pulls at my heart. need to get some work done while d7 is here which makes me feel somewhat guilty since I am not giving her my full attention but at least she is here with me and I can give her hugs and tell her I love her.

[poschan]

talk with WAW re: finances and she said this wouldn't have happened it I loved and appreciated her more. I said the same goes for her. I should have validated but having a difficult time not being defensive when I am under attack. I need to take a breath and think before reacting. how does one go about not reacting and validating?