Working on me and letting it play out

[Coconut]

Good for you CBT, I can imagine how difficult it is to lay in bed with W, I'm sure more than what u were watching was on your mind, and then get up and go to another bedroom... But I'll tell you, there were several times after we started piecing that I wished I could go stay in another room without it causing ripples..

One good thing about being in separate rooms is that when you get to the point of really moving forward, your probably more likely to get hysterical bonding... Although we ML once, we are just messing around occasionally, and it is really hard not closing the deal... I feel like I could have sex 5 times a day for the next week and that still wouldn't be enough right now, and I imagine the way things are going, I won't ever get that.

[cbtdad]

Thanks Cnut!
Shockingly its not as difficult as it once was. I don't expect anything now. For the first few weeks I would expect some sort of sexual tension or something, but now I have zero expectations.
I can say I find myself tugging back and forth at wanting things to work out. Even though we are getting along great I do wonder if we are only delaying the inevitable anyways. We both come from such troubled backgrounds and its so much to overcome. I am doing all the work on me and fixing my part. At some point she will need to go see IC and work on her for us to have a good marriage. And that's what I want. A good marriage. A marriage where both partners are equal and compromise. A marriage were I feel loved when I get home. A partner who wants to give me a hug and a kiss when she sees me.
So much is going to have to happen in the long run for this to work.
So for now, I continue to work on me everyday.
One thing I do realize now is that I do believe I can stay in the house for a long time regardless of the outcome

[RSG]

Jeez, I just read Cadet's thread saying most folks only begin to reconcile after about 9 months. Gulp!

WW has said no to any kind of counseling, but has admitted that if we tried we'd have to do it. Her saying no just said to me she's scared and wants to take what she thinks is the easy way out. We had agreed to revisit in July, but she hasn't mentioned anything in a while and as I'm starting to get excited about my changes I don't see any reason to rush any discussions.

I know I'll be up and down, but I feel like the stock market. Trending upwards. I'm in such a better place today than I have been in a long time. I'm allowed to be me without being scared of saying/doing the wrong thing. I'm not worrying about what she's doing or thinking.

You sound like you're in a pretty good place, just hoping W works on her end. I'm thinking that trying to look down the road will only stress you out, just try to focus on and enjoy today as much as you can. You'll know when W doesn't want to give it a real chance I think. You're doing really well.

[cbtdad]

Ok so this will be one of my longer posts. Just feel like getting some stuff out if you know what I mean. I think many of you on this board do:)

Everything has been going good. I got home late last night from work and W was in bedroom. I can tell she was visibly upset. The old me would have pushed and pushed to ask her what is wrong. I could tell she didn't want to talk about it and I had no idea what is was. So I just said, "If you need somebody to listen you just let me know". She just gave me the thumbs up and I said goodnight.
Woke up this morning. We were supposed to workout together. So I went to wake her up to see if she was still going. She said no. She said I need to setup my own dates with trainer. I said, do you plan on paying for that? She responded no.
I didn't say it mean or angry at all. I think it was just me saying I'm not going to pay for you to go to personal trainer when we aren't working on marriage. That's internally though.
So I go downstairs and eat some breakfast. Go back up to room to brush my teeth before leaving. At this point she is awake and on her Ipad. I just asked her if everything was ok. She said she knows I don't understand, but she is really stressed about paramedic school. That she almost had an anxiety attack last night. I just listened and validated. She then said its not about you. I said I know and that that's why I said if she just needed someone to listen to her that I would be here.
Fast forward to a little later. We were taking our S to reading evaluation because we are worried that he may be dyslexic.
While we were waiting she said she had talked to her dad yesterday and was telling her dad that she thought we would be in the house for another year. Which brought up the fact that next year would be 10 years. Six months ago W use to say in MC all the time that her goal no matter what would be to make it 10 years. So I said, wow 10 years. She says, well regardless of what happens she feels we've done good making it this far compared to others. That's discouraging to me. To me the fact that 6 months ago she was saying 10 years and would fight no matter what, now she seems like oh well we tried. Mindreading I know.
So we go in to meet with person doing evaluation.
Sure enough, like we were concerned, he looks like he has some ADD possible and definitely behind on reading.
So on way home I could tell the S stuff was bothering her. I asked her what she was thinking about. She didn't say anything and I could tell she was about to cry. I once again didn't press.
When we got out of car and S went inside she started to cry as she walked to her garden. I tried to hug her and she said she didn't need that right now. She says that she is just stressed and now she feels like she is leaving a lot on me and not doing her part since she is in paramedic school. I once again did my best to validate and listen. I then walked away before I headed to work and told her to have a good day. On my way to work I was really thinking about how stressed she seemed.
I sent the following text and the good thing is I di it without expecting any reply. That was a good feeling. It was as follows:
cbtdad: "I wanted to let you know that I think you are doing a great job handling everything. I understand you feel stressed and that you feel you are leaving me to deal with a lot. It's ok. I don't feel that you are. I feel like we can handle this. I may not be able to help with the school work but I'll do my best to make the household less stressed for you, that I promise. Hang in there. You are extremely smart and work hard. you gonna do great"
W: "Thanks. Still [censored] but it helps knowing you aren't holding it against me"
cbtdad: "There is nothing to hold against you. I hate that you feel that way. You do plenty! Just focus on what you need to and anytime you need help with something just ask. Might not always be able to do it, but at least ask"

So anyways I think I've come a long way compared to how I use to handle things. Much like coconut I have learned to recognize the triggers and learn how to process it before I go at it with my emotions. It's definitely tough because I feel like my W's attention is elsewhere at times. But honestly I don't know if its an OM or just the fact for the first time I am seeing her as individual with her own emotions and feelings. Either way it's something that I can't control at the moment. I will continue on my path and continue to be the best cbtdad I can

[cbtdad]

W and I had a good workout this morning
She's off to work for the day and I'm keeping S home from camp today
We are gonna go see the Angry birds movie then do a little swimming then has his first karate class this evening
I'll finish the evening off with a nice bottle of red and good thick ribeye
Gonna be a good day!

[cbtdad]

I was reading what Sandi wrote on RSG's thread about how a WW views friendship with her H
That's so much like I feel right now in my situation. I'm doing all the things that she likes and wants in a marriage. Acts of service is her love language
However mine is physical touch. Which definitively isn't happening and has happened for a couple months.
It's crazy how good things are right now with us except for this part
Actually except for the physical touch part I would say this is what I would want in our marriage. Hopefully that part comes around

[Coconut]

Cbt, is there any touching at all with you two? I remember the first time my wife touched me in months was when we took her mom out to dinner, she put her hand on my leg and rubbed it a little, I put my arm around her and it was nice. Then nothing after we got home, and for days after. I then started little non sexual touches, like putting my hand gently on her arm for a few seconds, a short rub of her back while walking next to her, it took time but she slowly opened up to it.

Now things are starting to really move forward, it's amazing what waking her up in the morning with a nice back/body rub will do. We've now ML more in the last week than we did in the previous year. It still seems more physical than emotional, but it's been nice, I just have to continue building the emotional connection.

[sandi2]

Cbt, is there any touching at all with you two? I remember the first time my wife touched me in months was when we took her mom out to dinner, she put her hand on my leg and rubbed it a little, I put my arm around her and it was nice. Then nothing after we got home, and for days after. I then started little non sexual touches, like putting my hand gently on her arm for a few seconds, a short rub of her back while walking next to her, it took time but she slowly opened up to it.

I agree with Coconut, it needs to start with small, non-sexual touches. I think when Coconut's W touched his leg, she felt safe b/c they were in public and probably knew he wasn't going to have sex right then & there. Neither was she signaling him to expect it later, which I can understand confuses men. I think everything is related to sex, for men.

What I could not make my H understand, is that when there has not been any intimacy for a very long, and then he would walk up behind me (as I was washing dishes) and cram his hands down my pants.........it would make me angry, instead of turning me on. Then he got angry b/c I wasn't responding the way he thought I should. Granted, there were problems between us, but this was not how to resolve it. If he had slowly worked up to making such a bold move, then he would have seen better results. But to be completely void of any kind of touching for months.........and then walk up behind me and stick both hands down my pants? Well, it didn't work for me, and I doubt I am that abnormal.......even if my H use to think I was (thanks to porn and what he saw acted out in movies).

Another thing that would happen in our earlier years, is when we would be over at my parents and I would see him acting like he did before we got M. I really liked him acting the way he did before we were M, and missed that guy a lot. It would cause me to be very flirty with him, and you would think he could have figured it out. I mean, if I acted turned on.......then why wouldn't he act that way when we got home? Nope, he told me he thought I was just trying to turn him on b/c I knew he couldn't do anything about it right then & there. He was partly right. I was enjoying the flirting, and it was warming me up and the fact we couldn't do something right then added to the sexual tension, for me. However, his attitude about it was completely different than mine. And, what he told me after we got home, killed it dead for me. See how differently men and women think about sex?

I think it should be required that couples take a course in his needs and her needs, before they get a M license.

[cbtdad]

Thanks for stopping by Sandi!
And thank you Cnut!
Sandi that last sentence you wrote couldn't be more right. It made me laugh. Isn't that why men are from mars and women are from venus. haha
We haven't had in contact like that since a few days before the BD. That was the last time we ML. Since then I have been in guest bedroom. At first we were kind of distant in the house. Now we are still in separate bedrooms, but other than physical contact and being in different bedrooms you would think we are a happily married couple right now. I will say its taken some time to feel that way and I guess its a good thing.
Last time around this block I had a WW, this time I'm pretty sure just a WAW who was tired of my verbal and emotional abuse.
Yes I will admit that now. I didn't realize I was that person until I found a very important book by Patricia Evans.
Now I know. And it has changed me and will change my life. Hopefully with my current W in it. If not then I know I will be a better man regardless.
Last time around I didn't realize who I was and what the real issue was so it surfaced again.
My IC who has helped a lot says that she became numb emotionally and that it's going to take some time to open up
She has said in MC that she sees progress but is skeptical
I'm just trying to work on me and get better everyday
I'm hoping the way things are going that its a good sign, but I still don't know. Only time will tell.
It is getting better, but as someone whos LL is physical touch this is taking a lot of patience

[sandi2]

Jeez, I just read Cadet's thread saying most folks only begin to reconcile after about 9 months. Gulp!

It's very rare to see it happen in less time (without relapses), but I don't think people can measure their time frame with someone else's. The point is that it always takes longer than the LBS ever thought it would when he first arrives on the board.