Blu, your post gives me so much hope. My H has been gone for a little over 5 months - says he's "looking to find what makes him happy". He's starting to come around and we are going to reevaluate our situation at the end of the month. I want him back, and I've learned the past 5 months that I don't need him - just want. How hard was it to trust again? To forgive?
I wrote you a long reply this morning and then it got deleted. So here goes the abridged version.
How hard is it to trust? Oddly, I do trust H. I trust that he won't lie, cheat, and repeat what he did. But do I trust that he will always love me no matter what? Nope, no way, and I will never trust another man in that sense. Quite frankly, I don't want to. That is naive; people are only human and human's make mistakes. I realized in the last couple years that I have had codependent thinking and tendencies since I started dating. (learned that from my mom, thanks mom). It is no way to live.
I am not sure if you read my entire sitch, but I don't think a lot of people would take my H back with what he did. Life had hardships, he had an EA with a friend, then left me for her, and my entire life fell apart. We live in a small town and know the same people. So not only was I heart broken, but humiliated as well.
I was constantly anxious, depressed, and I was watching my kids struggle. I was afraid of losing my house on top of it. It was a complete nightmare and sometimes I don't know how I survived--couldn't eat, sleep, concentrate at work, and had to fake that I was ok for the kids. One of my kids started dangerous activities. All of this happened after a couple years of hardships, death, and family issues, that I was then forced to face on my own. While H and OW acted a fool. This lasted almost a year.
So again, I don't know if most women would even want him back. ... I guess I knew all along that something was terribly wrong and that he would come back around. I knew he was running from life and mainly from himself. Since he has been back (over a year now), he has made many positive changes in himself. He is a recovering Nice Guy, and as difficult as it is for him, he is staying the course. The more time goes on, the more he deeply regrets his choices and all the hurt he has caused. He is constantly learning more about himself and the type of man he wants to be.
So do I trust him? Like I said, I trust he won't lie and cheat, in fact he is still in many ways paying the consequences for that years later. But do I trust that he won't make mistakes and wouldn't hurt me in other ways? NO. But I now feel the same way about every man. The blinders are off.
I don't want to be that woman anymore--the one that needs a man, that one that needs all the romance and to be swept away, the one that finds all her happiness in one other person. Never again. That is my silver lining in this. And I will tell you, it is the best place to be. Because I now have complete control over my life and I now KNOW I will be okay no matter who comes and goes from it.
If H ever cheated again, I would be out. The last couple years have been way too much work to repeat. No thank you. This time I will DB. But not because I will want him back!
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Count me out for the "nice guy"... I am a fix-er who got angry with my xW when she was ireesponsible (which was about once a week). My only nice guy trait was providing for her, I worked hard to provide and made sure she was pretty spoiled. I took someone literally with a child's mentality and spoiled them, what could possibly go wrong?
My focus is mostly on codependence, I have it something fierce!
I know what you mean about keeping up with threads... There are only 3 I follow and feel like I spend hours a day on here.
Even though there is probably no chance my H will ever return, and I'm not sure if I could accept him if he did, I still enjoy reading about your growth and hope to develop a measure of your resiliency.
(((Blu)))
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Well summer is in full effect which means I am still working, but also carpooling kids all over to various camps and sports, and seems I just can't get much time to myself. Hoping to get caught up on some of your sitches today.
Things are fine with me, and not because they are going well with H, but because I am settling into a place of acceptance. It feels safe and comfortable. It has taken me so long to get here. It's too bad I can't go back in time and tell my wounded self to feel this way. That is when I really needed it! I can try and tell you Phoebe--that everything will be okay over time and that you will not feel the same way about him if he does or doesn't come back--but I know that is not possible. I do genuinely believe in time, you will come out stronger and find better, more authentic Rs in your life.
There is not much going on between H & I--no affection, no I love yous, no R talk--but I am welcoming the change. He has tried to have R talks and define where we are, but I don't feel open to that right now. In fact he wanted to have this intense conversation and seem annoyed that we weren't "defining where we are," but I just can't do that right now. We are functioning well as a family unit, no drama, and it actually feels normal for a change! After 2.5 years of emotional highs and lows, it is a welcomed break.
I think if things can continue on this path, the attraction and R can happen naturally. We can't really force that stuff, can we? My biggest safety right now is that with this space from the emotions, the triggers are fading. It is so nice, and a huge relief, to not have all these little triggers get me in the gut and throw me off. I see them, hear them, and note them, but I simply acknowledge them and shelf them away.
Perhaps so many Ms end in D because when people reach a place of detachment, instead of welcoming and accepting it, they give up and move on. Or they begin to invest in something new and exciting that inflates their ego. I have no interest in that. I want my M, my H, and my family intact. So, I don't want to be all lovely dovey, talk about our R, and go back to MC. Well, that is just where I am now. Who says anything has to be a certain way. I like where I am at, and that, THAT, is what I need right now.
He's kinda frustrated and pouty about it, but too bad, his circus.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hi Blu, good to see an update from you and sounds like you guys are busy!
As for things with your H, I can understand how you feel and it sounds as though you want to protect yourself from the rawness of your own feelings - not let him get to close and have to go through how you feel when that happens. That said, it almost sounds a little like a marriage of convenience (sorry I can't think of a better term) where your family unit is together (which is worth a lot) but there isn't a genuine, authentic connection between the two of you and I wonder whether this is what you want in the longer term?
Maybe if you don't want to talk about where you're at now, you could let him know how you truly feel about that (as you've told us) and agree a timescale when you will talk about it?
Just my thoughts anyway Blu...and I can truly understand how tough that must be and your desire to protect your own heart. I'm not sure that I could have got to the point you have. I'm more at the cut and run place right now....
Take care & I always value your postings and look out for them xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
in a way, yes they have. I think for all LBS, you should know that if your H or W comes back, things will not just settle into the way they were before. This person has now hurt you, and so while you two can learn to love and trust again, it will not be the same. It is always 2 people in a M, and yes you both hurt each other, but your spouse is the one that either had an A or walked out on you. I think it is only natural to protect your own heart. If you cannot, then perhaps you could value yourself more. So for me, I am not going to turn the table in the sense that I want revenge or to do the same, but my confidence and detachment has probably worked to draw him in closer. Pursuer-distancer dynamic or what have you.
--- (((SH)))
--- Sotto,
You bring up some very good points. Right now I think we are together for the sake of the children, the family unit, and the financial benefit. If things remained this way, I am not sure how long the M would survive. We both want much more than friendship. However, things have been so up/down, emotional, and dramatic in the last couple years, that I feel like we need to reset. Going to MC every week, forcing dates, and talking about the same issues, was keeping us in a vicious and painful loop of hope and then heartache.
I was holding on to so much hurt and anger, and when those triggers got to me, I would lose control. When we left MC I could feel drained and bitter (from all that came up) and it was hard to carry on with the week. Then I would feel this sadness that he wasn't pursing me more and "trying harder." He wasn't able to because he could feel my walls up and unknowingly I kept him at arms length.
So now we are learning to function without any of the drama and emotions. I think over time the attraction and closeness can happen naturally. We still have moments. Yesterday we started laughing about an inside joke and towel snapping each other in the kitchen and there is without a doubt still so much love and attraction.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I've been reading other posters talk about how they let their spouse back too easily. I actually feel the same way. I think there is such tremendous relief when you realize it is actually happening--they are coming back around, or coming out of the fog, or the A is over--and so it's hard to think clearly and make rational decisions. Like I've said before, the LBS is in their own type of fog. When H left me I was in shock, anxious, and depressed, and many of you describe feeling the same. So him coming back did not suddenly allow for me to snap out of it. (All the more reason to DB and focus on the self).
When H came back I was relieved but also nervous it wouldn't stick. I saw him coming around, regretful, and remorseful--totally vulnerable--and so I started to feel that it may work. I was also so angry and ashamed at what he had done, that my feelings were yo-yo-ing all over the place. That is what makes piecing so hard! I was trying to remain calm and have rational discussions and make good decisions. At the same time I was constantly triggered and coming out of the shock, but with so much damage. All of this led to a "honeymoon" phase (but not at all really) and I think we moved too quickly.
At the same token, we have kids and the seperated living arrangement was a challenge. Our MC said we couldn't work on things further until he moved back in. He moved back in in a month. I can't go back and change anything, but I do wonder if we should have taken more time.
Been feeling down lately. Not terribly sad, just not motivated to feel close to him. Just going to let it sit for now. Like I said, I just need things to feel normal for now. I still feel envious when I see friends or couples have a close connection. Haven't felt that way in awhile and H has been back well over a year now. Can't help but wonder if we will ever feel as close as we used to.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
