I have exchange contract and I'm ready to go next week. New chapter in my life, not what I wanted although I will be fine.
Step daughter came in today. Didn't see her for ages. She is so intelligent and see her dad for who he is. H is really on another planet as SD told me about an incident her and him had. She simply said that she will make sure that she will never fall in love with a guy like him. He challenged her and she said a cheater. She told me he had a right go at her and said he had done nothing wrong! She isn't stupid and she said that they will have a lot of bridge to rebuild. She asked me few questions and I answered them honestly. She is 16, so she does understand a lot! She told me that when her mum and H split up, her mum suspected he was having an affair. So to answer your question kml, it's in his genes!
H told SD that it was my fault if he had/ has affair because I didn't supported him when his mum died. I know there are 2 sides to a story, but how could I support him when in Sept my dad was diagnosed with leukaemia and nearly died from septiciema, a month later I gave birth to second child, was bringing up a 19 month toddler and a month later his mum died. H told me he couldn't cope, I told him he needed to see someone and a doctor but he'd always say few minutes later that he was fine! Am I being unreasonable to beat myself because now I feel I didn't support him enough?
Rouky, Stop beating yourself up! You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your h cheated on you. He had choices and he made the wrong ones. He can't look at himself and admit he's at fault...so he has to point the finger at you to blame you for his cheating. You certainly didn't tell him to go out and have sex w/ow. He will find any and every excuse for his poor choices.
Your h has certainly got issues w/fidelity. This is not the first time he's cheated on a spouse and until he gets his life together and figures out why he does this, he'll never learn and face the consequences of his actions.
Stay tall, head up and know that you have dignity and class. You didn't do anything wrong and trust me...you could have been the perfect wife in every way and he would still have gone out and done what he did. You could have laid the golden egg, he would have found something wrong w/it. Don't allow his comments to get to you. What he's saying is his way of justifying his bad behavior.
As for your SD, she's a smart young lady and already knows what's going on and her father will have a lot of fences to mend w/her if he ever gets his head back on straight.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I love you Rouky. Your husband cheated because he is a cheater. He has low moral standards. He has little self control or actualization. You are a better person than him and he has done you a favor. He could have tried to be a better person but instead chose to be a jerk. Again if you had hung the moon he still would have chosen to destroy your family. God bless you for pouring everything into raising your children as there are so many parents who care nothing about them. Included in this is your husband. You are a good person and need to recognize yourself for the beauty that lies within and without you. Keep your head up girl as this will get better. Having to pick up the pieces of his train wreck is very stressful and one piece of a time you will heal. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and face each challenge as it comes. Also know that you are one of many of us who remained true to our vows and loyal to our family but had a partner with a very different value set. He is not special and his situation is not unique to him. He is a clown and a cheater and will ultimately have to live in his own truth. You are living in yours as you always have and you are the better person for it. Stay busy, get out there, wear something pretty and be strong!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I'm breaking down. I can't do it. Kids have been very hard as they have been saying that they don't want to move.
I have asked my mum to come over but she said she has some appointments and can't come. Still haven't heard from FIL who is supposed to help. I'm moving in 4 days!
My boss is away this week and she has left me in charge of the department (which I know I can do because I hold the fort lasts year too!).
I told H that I didn't need him to move. All he said was it's good as it's going to save him the rent of a van! I know he isn't worthy of me and that I deserve better. I'm not afraid to move house, but this has been forced onto me! H came to see kids ( well he loaded every thing in his van) & he stunk of her perfume!
It's getting all too much for me. I cried/ still cry in front of my kids tonight! I know I should be strong as I packed the whole house by myself. Packed H stuff and put it in the garage. Sold all that was possible and split the profit between him and I! Tonight he had the guts to tell me that he will me his set of keys so I could drop them to estate agent. I just replied no. I'm not coping very well at all! I feel unworthy, unloved.
Rouky, You have entirely too much on your plate and you need to break things down into smaller portions. You've got things packed up and ready to go? Now you need to call some of your friends and/or co-workers and ask for assistance in moving. Do you have family in the immediate area? Call them up and once the move is over, have some order in pizza and sodas to show them you appreciate their help. You aren't alone in this...get on that phone and start making some calls. People will help if you ask them, especially in the situation that you are in right now.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself! The pity pot is full and you need to get off of it right now. You are worth your weight in gold, but if you continue to feel that you are unworthy and unloved, then people will treat you that way. Think positive. Being positive is like a magnet and it attracts people to you.
Now, sit down, make a list of people to call for help and get moving on it! You can do this.
P.S. As for the children...I do understand that they don't want to move and neither do you...but all of you have no choice because your dimwit h made that choice for all concerned. If they continue to to be difficult, tell them to discuss it w/dimwit since he's the one that created this mess...not YOU!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hang in there Rouky. I think job is right in advising you to lean on some friends and co-workers for a few days. You would do it for them and I am sure someone will help you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will make it through this. I feel like you are starting to see your husband for what he is and that is a good thing. I am praying for you and your children and I will always be with you in spirit.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Thank you Job and my darling Shotgun. Had a session with IC today and she said that despite my state of mine, I was still able to realise that I'd need to speak to her before the move.
She added that how emotional I am at the moment is understandable and right. I'm going throw 2 of the most stressful experience in life at the same time ( bereavement and moving house)! We also discussed why it is so hard for me with the move because with it there is no more hope. I fully agree with her conclusion that I find it so hard to let go is because I have in my mind an ideal version of H and unfortunately his actions aren't matching up this idolisation of him.
We have discussed technics to combat negative thoughts but she added that I have to stop to be so harsh on myself and she said the same you told me Job and Shotgun, I could have served him the moon but he'd still have stray!
It was a useful session despite being in tears all the way through!
Hi Rouky, I'm so sad to read how much you are struggling at the moment. As your IC has said, it is more than understandable. o You are under incredible pressure! I feel so hopeless when it comes to giving advice as everyone has already written such wise words. You seem similar to me in that I would rather people offer to help as I feel very awkward asking for help. I hope some of your friends will come forward to support you with the move.
Originally Posted By: Rouky
I fully agree with her conclusion that I find it so hard to let go is because I have in my mind an ideal version of H and unfortunately his actions aren't matching up this idolisation of him.
This makes so much sense! I think perhaps we are all doing this!
Thinking of you during this difficult time and hope your move goes smoothly.
This is my last night in marital house and I have mixed feelings. Things don't seem to go right for me. After last week scare about insurance, today I found out that mortgage company won't release the money because I haven't paid a fee ( they had my solicitor request for release of the fund for about a week now!). Got really scared but money should be in.
H turned up for the last two days to pick up his stuff! No time spent with his kids! He said that he'll turn up with someone to help me but no show from that person, so I'm glad I have my own removal company sorted out! It's funny how now it's coming to a closure he doesn't seem that interested in seeing his kids. I guess he has definitively close that door on his kids and wife!
No show from FIL who said he'd help me tonight to dismantle kids' beds, so again I have no expectation to see him tomorrow to help me to move like he promised! He hasn't seem his grandchildren in 7 weeks now, not even a text! My H's family is really unhealthy and doesn't know what family is!
I remember one of my SIL attracting all the attention for my niece's hen do. I guess I fell in love with a narcissist and that it runs in the family.
As I said earlier, mixed feelings because tonight i hate my H for what he did, his lack of remorse and empathy towards us. I'm also realising that he has always been like that but as we say love is blind!
I'm glad you have your own removal company. You can't rely on others. They mean well, but I have discovered that it's best to line up your own help, i.e., a company, to help. People say they will help, but the day that you need them, they either show up late w/apologies or they don't show up at all. People like that no longer are high on my list and quite frankly, the next time that they need help, I suddenly discover I have something else to do when they send out their "SOS" for help. It's a two way street and you can only give so much until you are tired.
As for your h being interested in the children...his priorities are on the move and his life right now. I am hoping and praying that at some point his focus will turn to his children once again. As for the FIL, consider the source. It's their loss if they don't interact w/the children.
There is no harm in "hating" your h right now for what he's done. Use that anger to help you w/the move. You've hard a lot on your plate and you are still dealing w/stuff. Hopefully the mortgage company situation has been resolved and everything goes well for you the next couple of days.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
