My little slice of Life..

[sandi2]

Thank you so much, Gordon.

[sandi2]

This is my picture of dropping the rope. See if you think it makes sense.

Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels buried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?

She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?

She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little bit so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope.

[Tofbrks]

Well last night and today have been hard. I am not really seeing any changes in my ww. Every time she goes out I wonder about what she's doing. Don't act on or question the whereabouts. She did have a pic handy last night for her outing with a friend that needed help.times don't add up and receipts show different timeline of events.
No one ever said it was going to be this hard!
Still need to find out if my suspicions are right ... Just a gut need.

[Tofbrks]

Could use some input on fathers day. My wife was asking about plans in a txt no less about what we were doing. My mil sends me txt says steaks on grill for Father's Day. I respond sounds great. I still goto church with Mil and rest of family.. W/kids. So it's just natural to stay. In my wife's txt she asks what am I doing after that ? Am I taking girls/d to see my dad for fd? I said yes after yours.
I guess she made the assumption she want welcome at my folks. This not the case and something that she had self imposed. Should I reaffirm that she is welcome ? Or do I not bring it up?... Seems like every chance she has she forces this distance between us , it's like I'm being punished but find nothing wrong.

[Sotto]

I would just say - you're welcome to join us at my folks place - and then just leave it. If she wants to come along she can. If not, go yourselves and have a nice time....

[Tofbrks]

I did sotto and she expressed reservations... But I also added that hers had asked as well so that feeling goes both ways. I was feeling as though some of her self inflicted quarantining was having a negative effect on my db'n so I backed up s bit and looked to include her - a little.

[RSG]

This is what the guy in a romance novel would do! However, it is not the right move with a wayward wife. The more she thinks you have no interest in her.....or that you don't want to be around her.....or that you are not attracted to her.....the better.

You see, with a WW, you do the opposite of what you'd do with a normal woman. You do the opposite of showing great care and concern over her drama, her sad friend, her woes at work, etc. When she dresses smoking hot to go out with a "friend" or whatever excuse she gives.........you don't drool over her and tell her how great she looks, b/c she's going out to play. Don't be so quick to show comfort, b/c it's all about her feelings. (The only exception is if she looses a family member). No cuddling, no hugs, no kisses, etc.

I would not recommend that the H rush out to file for a D. It is a very risky gamble hoping it will shock her out of the fog. I recommend he stops trying to win her back. He drops the rope. IMHO, that works better than anything else when you have a WW. When a H really does drop her, she can tell.....and oh brother, will she start trying to wiggle back into his life. She'll temp check him like crazy; she'll get mad; and most of all try to manipulate him. She wants control over his life.....even if she doesn't want him as her lover. Crazy!

Don't try to find out what will shock her out of the fog. I don't think they are "shocked" to the point of making a complete 180. It is a process. But if the H will stop being a nice-guy type of man and emotionally let go, that will be one of the biggest shocks he could do. She is not worried about losing him, and she needs to be. It's one thing for her to dump him.....but if she gets dumped, that's another story!

When she sees her H is not interested in holding on to her;
When she sees her H happy without her;
When she believes she is losing her H;
When she can't manipulate her H;
When she experiences the consequences of her decisions;
When her fantasies crumble;
Then, her H may start to see more of his old W in this wayward woman. He needs to be very careful about letting her come back too quickly. She should feel remorse for her actions and the great pain she has caused. Remorse does not come very quickly for most, and the process takes time. However, if the H can do what has been suggested, it can hurry the process along.

Wow. Thanks for this Sandi. I'm on a good starting path on many of these avenues. I know a big one I need to drop is the "family type" updates of S, and that will be done the next time she requests them. She will get angry, but it's a natural consequence of her choices. She is starting to inquire more about what I'm doing, as being out and about is such a 180 from the stay at home family man I've been for about 5 years; however, she can definitely smell that I'm still attracted. She's gained weight and has done terrible things to me and her S, but I'm still attracted. I think that's me looking at my W rather than a woman who has cheated and on the brink of destroying a family. THAT is what I need to think of when I see her. I do put on a legitimate happy face when I'm around her rather than sad and mopey so I have improved. I don't initiate contact anymore and only validate when she talks about her day.

It's definitely true, when I step back and look at it objectively. She's not worried about losing me, she's confident I'll always be there. My Mom said this numerous times, and when she did I wasn't sure what that meant. Now that I've gotten to a better place, and the shock has worn off, I see exactly what that means. The safety plan, Plan B, etc. This is why "friends" is so dangerous. She gets to have all the H things, but doesn't have to do all the W things like love, physical contact, etc. I'm learning.

And, like the others, I thank you so very much for your wisdom!!!

[Tofbrks]

Sandi : I know patience is key to db'n . Something I'm trying to keep in perspective. Our m is in a trial separation but gives no outlook on R . I am gal and using the time to self improve... I don't know why this is an issue but time is a question I wrestle with. Don't know how much time I have to work with. I know it takes 1yr for D to complete ... But alas if I'm wondering this then I haven't full dropped the rope ...if I knew I had the time I think the anxiety would subside and I would be more effective...not cramming... But then it would be for her and the m rather than solely for me which is the point... Did I just answer my own question ?

[sandi2]

FWIW, many, many newcomers feel the same way about the time. I do believe it causes the LBS to act out of panick mode, which is never a good idea.

What would you do differently if you had one month, instead of one year to DB?

[Tofbrks]

FWIW, many, many newcomers feel the same way about the time. I do believe it causes the LBS to act out of panick mode, which is never a good idea.

What would you do differently if you had one month, instead of one year to DB?

Nothing ... have stopped the panic(shown) I do however have bought a of anxiety that is a little hard to deal with but that's part of my growth... As is runon sentences.

Sandi is the ww going through some difficulties as well or does the selfish nature override his? Or is it all channeled elsewhere .. Like to me? I always concern myself with me .. Not really realizing she is gong through some heavy sheot - dealing with it or not ...