I don't want to hijack your thread but I'll share some of my story later on. Simply put: lies, deception, and conniving.... I literally can't trust ANY thing she says.
After confirming the PA:
Me: Who are you texting? ( I have a boundary about texting in my presence) W: Sarah (long time friend), here look (she shows me the phone across the table). Me: I am not a fool, I know about the texting apps, you're texting some guy. W: (Deer-in-the-headlights look) Me: (Leave the house, it is my established response to her crossing the boundary).
I need to re-read your S and we can commensurate later!
I tracked mine with a gps ... Asked , she lied... She sheot o gold one when I told her the street her car was on all night. Says she was at a party trying to find single friend a rich Doctor... Hate to say it but she was probably looking ... I just wish she would just say F it and leave me the kids and just do her sheot away from us! Lately she's been rough on d13 .. About lying and not treating people nice... Now that's irony ...daughter even picked up on it..so I told her your mom is struggling with some things... She said "I know" - they are smarter than you think...
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
I am proud of the way I handled my wife's outing last night. Didn't ask any details. She was rather chatty this morning. She was telling me this and that, about somebody's doc dying.. And that she was talking with her all night...she was so sad ... And that she offered to go over and console her... Blah blah blah...I listened and showed concern... But really just tuned her out.
Next wed they leave for about 2 weeks plus... So that will be hard. Maybe that will give her sometime to sort things out...or ?
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
A selfish person would never make it that easy ... I guess they would have to inflict more pain to satisfy them.. [/quote]
Good call. Its all about them. Well done on not asking about her night out, I know its tough but you must detach and let her think she is running the show and realistically she is. You lost your balls, I lost my balls but at least for me, I've reached my tipping point..... I feel like our marriage is a house and she keeps starting little fires trying to burn it down, knowing that I will rush in with a fire extinguisher and put it out. Since she has moved to the basement, what she doesn't know that now is I'm throw gas on the fires she starts! She has made her bed, now she needs to lie in it!
Be strong brother, you can't worry about her actions... Free will.
In in the end - actions speak louder than words, you must live with your decisions and the consequences and finally...."We are our choices."
Me 45 W 39 D: 8,6 Married 14 years Start MC: Sept '15 BD: 3/30/16 End MC: 4/21/16 PA confirmed: 6/8/16 W moves to basement: 6/12/16
She advises me to tell her this in a confident tone, I don't want to be you friend , your buddy or roommate, I want to be your lover and your husband! And as she says give her s kiss of a lifetime... Then walk out and leave...... This goes against db /dt to the core...but this is very out of my character so who knows..
This is what the guy in a romance novel would do! However, it is not the right move with a wayward wife. The more she thinks you have no interest in her.....or that you don't want to be around her.....or that you are not attracted to her.....the better.
You see, with a WW, you do the opposite of what you'd do with a normal woman. You do the opposite of showing great care and concern over her drama, her sad friend, her woes at work, etc. When she dresses smoking hot to go out with a "friend" or whatever excuse she gives.........you don't drool over her and tell her how great she looks, b/c she's going out to play. Don't be so quick to show comfort, b/c it's all about her feelings. (The only exception is if she looses a family member). No cuddling, no hugs, no kisses, etc.
I would not recommend that the H rush out to file for a D. It is a very risky gamble hoping it will shock her out of the fog. I recommend he stops trying to win her back. He drops the rope. IMHO, that works better than anything else when you have a WW. When a H really does drop her, she can tell.....and oh brother, will she start trying to wiggle back into his life. She'll temp check him like crazy; she'll get mad; and most of all try to manipulate him. She wants control over his life.....even if she doesn't want him as her lover. Crazy!
Don't try to find out what will shock her out of the fog. I don't think they are "shocked" to the point of making a complete 180. It is a process. But if the H will stop being a nice-guy type of man and emotionally let go, that will be one of the biggest shocks he could do. She is not worried about losing him, and she needs to be. It's one thing for her to dump him.....but if she gets dumped, that's another story!
When she sees her H is not interested in holding on to her; When she sees her H happy without her; When she believes she is losing her H; When she can't manipulate her H; When she experiences the consequences of her decisions; When her fantasies crumble; Then, her H may start to see more of his old W in this wayward woman. He needs to be very careful about letting her come back too quickly. She should feel remorse for her actions and the great pain she has caused. Remorse does not come very quickly for most, and the process takes time. However, if the H can do what has been suggested, it can hurry the process along.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
More GOLD from sandi2! Sandi2 - I don't have a thread but I have read a majority of posts and I would like to say, "Thank you!" I appreciate the your dedication and commitment to helping Hs navigate this head-spinning time in our lives. Long live sandi2!
Me 45 W 39 D: 8,6 Married 14 years Start MC: Sept '15 BD: 3/30/16 End MC: 4/21/16 PA confirmed: 6/8/16 W moves to basement: 6/12/16
Dropping the rope... I'm about there... To much has been said to go back the way it was... So it that regard I CAN drop the rope on her now... The future will and must be different... Or that's a deal breaker for me. I need to focus on dropping the current wife form not the one I fell in love with...that would be real easy ... Cause the one I love is nowhere to be found.
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
Thank you sandi I do not know how to thank you enough or even how to repay you generosity of information.You provide the missing pieces of the puzzle that are crucial to moving forward with so many people.
Thank you again!
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
Dropping the rope... I'm about there... To much has been said to go back the way it was... So it that regard I CAN drop the rope on her now... The future will and must be different... Or that's a deal breaker for me. I need to focus on dropping the current wife form not the one I fell in love with...that would be real easy ... Cause the one I love is nowhere to be found.
I agree. I guess you could call me a big talker but I agree with you that dropping the rope is easier once you divorce (pun intended!) the W you married from the current W. My WW always mentions not putting the kids in the middle... I didn't put them in the middle of this.. YOU DID! You are the one that lost her mind and is on the verge of destroying this family. I will always put the health and well being of the kids first and foremost but I'm not going to let her manipulate my love for the kids to her advantage. I've dropped every single rope you can imagine and believe me, it becomes easy once you see the WW for their true colors.
Me 45 W 39 D: 8,6 Married 14 years Start MC: Sept '15 BD: 3/30/16 End MC: 4/21/16 PA confirmed: 6/8/16 W moves to basement: 6/12/16
