W and I talked tonight, did not go well. She is done! She lost respect for me when I moved back into the MBR which forced her out among a list of other things. Said I had lots of time to try and resolve things during the past few months and I did nothing - so much for DB tactics! She loves me as the father of our kids but has no feelings for me anymore. She says she's not angry or resentful anymore but she still started arguing about things that happened in the past which was confusing. She says she can't live with me anymore and one of us needs to move out but we can't afford it so not sure what we will do. Otherwise we have to sell the house and go our own ways which will shatter our kids - even one of us moving out is going to tear the kids apart. I was honest, I told her that I'm sorry for making her feel this way but that I still love her and don't want to see our family break up. She just said she can't do this anymore and that I needed to accept it. She cried for a while - I tried to console somewhat. She seems completely done with me - seriously. I knew she would hold her moving out of the room over me - her point being that I was the one who had made the mistakes and I should have honored her request for space and stayed out instead of just announcing I'm moving back in 'like I'm the king' and leaving her no choice but to move into the other room. She feels I have disrespected her over the years and she has sacrificed everything for our family and she just wants some happiness. I don't know anymore if I've done the right thing here or not. Leaving her on her own in the other room for months gave her too much time to sit there and stew and find reasons to finish the marriage. It did nothing to bring us closer and just brought more strain between us which has made things worse. I held myself together and didn't breakdown as much as I felt I wanted to - I knew this wouldn't help matters. She had already listed off the things I've done in the past which she has lost respect for me and now she has none for me. And I can honestly see she is vacant of any feelings for me. She said that when the switch goes off its off. I can see that my attempts at pursuit tonight won't bring her back either. She has a lot of anger and resentment towards me even though she says she is past that - it only seems to come out when I try and talk positives about our relationship. I feel helpless at this point. She won't go see the MC either - says she had enough time to work through her thoughts and has made this decision. It's been left that I need to think about the two options, either one of us moves out or we sell the house. Neither option I'm interested in but she says she can't live with me any longer. She says she's almost 50 and life is too short to go on living like this - she wants to experience some happiness and stress free in her life. We have had a bumpy relationship and a lot financial troubles - I told her understand why she would feel that way but asked her not to lose complete hope for us and take things a day at a time - she just said she's done - get used to it. I'm sure by me pursuing I'm empowering her but there isn't much I could do - I couldn't stand there and ignore the finality of what she was telling me. No game of 180 or detachment was going to help here.
Sorry for rambling but the W just went over to her friends for a glass of wine and I'm at home a bit of a mess. I have no idea what to do at this point. Frankly, doing 180's and pulling back from her has backfired on me. She was hoping I would have made some attempts to bring us back together. Who knows, maybe she is just saying that now to make me feel like crap (worked by the way - she is the queen of guilt trips) and nothing I would have done may have made a difference. I'll never know. It's just such a mess and she is going to be pushing for one of us to move out. She works out of the house and has an office here. I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm sorry about all of things that you went through tonight.
Know that you are doing the best that you can. If you did all the things she says she wanted, it would not have made a difference. There would have just been other things that bothered her.
Don't DO anything yet. Just take some time to relax and compose yourself.
Hi James , sorry you had to go through that but please believe that darkness is correct , nothing you have done has made things worse , W asked for space and that's what she got
As for one of you have to leave , yes she might be right but as she's the one that wants out of he R then she should leave.
Moving into the MBR was the right things to do , you may not agree today but in time you will feel differently. Everything she said is script , it's classic and it's been said by WASs over and over.
Your sitch is in a relatively short time frame still and your W was never going to change her mind in that short time. You have posted she's the queen of guilt trips so this just another one. If you had done everything she wanted she would have even less respect for you
Your obviously a good man and that's a bit to your detriment here. Your looking at how you could have fixed this. Right now you can't and all you can do is be the best you that you can be and live your life for you
James , when this happens it very hard for people to grasp the M was over the minute the W or H drops the bomb We all feel that we can fix it and it's not really happening. Truth is , the WAS has thought long and before dropping the bomb and they will not be swayed in the short term or if ever
You have to pick yourself up , accept what she said ( because to her , right now , it's cast in stone ) and move forward.
Please don't even consider moving out , please accept that W is now only acting in her own interests and you must be strong
Remember your own words about the guilt trip thing Don't let that control you and there is always hope , I'm not trying to give you false hope but there are plenty of success stories on here but it's going to take time and maybe you won't want to reconcile by then
Post often because people like me can offer support and basic knowledge but the vets can give real nuggets at a time like this
James keep doing GAL activities to improve yourself and your outlook on life. That is what gets you through the rough times. It's not just going to the gym, it's expanding your life experiences and self improvement mentally and physically.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I'm actually starting to feel that the only chance I have to save this marriage is to move out. Living together in separation has just made things worse. Walking around ignoring each other is stressful on us both and has just created more resentment in my W. There is no way she is ever going to miss me if I'm in her face every single day. I don't believe that me staying in the house and telling her if she wants to separate she can move out is going to help the situation one bit. She already feels I disrespect her, that I force her to sacrifice her feelings, comfort (MBR), for me - this would just be another smack in the face to her. This isn't an affair situation guys - she hasn't done anything wrong - she is just upset, sad, and at her whits end at the state of our relationship (we fight and bicker all of the time) and the realization that she is hitting 50 and her entire life has been a struggle and full of stress. I can understand where she is coming from. She wants to be free of the stress - so do I. last night I did propose selling the house and buying a more affordable family home to remove the financial stress but she is beyond that - she just doesn't want to be with me - I am the center of her stress (I realize it's not all me but this is her state of mind at this point). I guess my point is, I can't just sit back and tell her to move out if that's what she wants - it will most certainly make things worse. If my goal is reconcile with my W I'm going to need to play ball here. She isn't being unreasonable or mean and there is no OM or A - this is simply a woman who has had enough of fighting and stress and needs a change and she can't get that while living with me. I did say to her 'so you are saying I move out, we separate, eventually divorce, sell the house and we're done?'. She said in response that her hope is that if we live separately that we'll miss each other and maybe come back to together. She isn't saying divorce as she isn't certain about the finality of our relationship. All she knows is she can't go on living the way we are and can't live in the same house with me any longer.
It's important that you all understand the situation as perhaps DB tactics should not always be applied. In my case it seems to have made things worse.
So, the cards are on the table, my W is expecting one of us to move out (would be me if I have any hope of saving the M) or we sell the house and which case I believe our M is done.
I read a few articles where the couple goes to their MC and the MC mediates a controlled separation where there is an agreement between the couple. So that we both know what the expectations are during this insecure and unsettled time. Set up ground rules etc.
Sorry to hear that KyleR. Not much can happen in 2 weeks let along 9. We were talking 6 - 12 months. I'm in no hurry to move out but this is where things stand. I'm hoping to drag things out a little - she had a lot to say yesterday and maybe that's a weight off for her (while she tends to exaggerate and over state things often I do believe she means everything she says - she said she has put a lot of thought into it). I don't know, I'm usually stupidly optimistic, but I guess I'm hoping that now that we are talking again (in-spite of the cards on the table) that maybe we can ease the tension for starters. I hope to lighten things up between us but she could take that as friendship - not what I'm after. We have a mutual friends birthday party Friday night we are going to - I'll do my best to try and stay light, maybe get a laugh out of her. I know right now she isn't at all attracted to me - she's put out by my actions or inactions over the past few years in general. She recalls them like they happened yesterday so it's going to be very difficult to get past those negative feelings towards me.
The path I'm taking is to keep my distance from her and not speak to her about anything other then the kids. I'm finding it easier not to reach out to her but it's still odd to me that I can't pick up the phone on my lunch break and phone her.
My W fell in love with a funny, outgoing guy who always liked to socialise and was quite spontaneous but when I had kids my priorities shifted to focus on them and unfortunately my W didn't...... I suppose I'm telling you this because I'm trying to reconnect with that guy I was before and show her, like you said I'm trying to make her smile and laugh whenever the opportunity arises.
I spent months not calling or texting my W unless I had to about the kids, being polite but not asking questions, not pressuring her or talking about the R, keeping busy out of the house, going to the gym and running nightly, hanging with friends, GAL'ing, took back the MBR which forced her to move to another room but it didn't do anything to bring her closer to me - it served to push her away. She feels I have hurt her and I should have been trying to make things better between us, not ignoring the issues the past 6 months. Again, I'm not sure this forum is necessarily the best place for non-affair related issues.
My W just feels that I haven't respected her - we've fought like crazy for years. She's from a broken family and two crazy parents - she doesn't think twice about yelling or speaking disrespectfully towards me. She really doesn't see her part in any of this which makes it that much more difficult. She says she spent a lot of time connecting with herself and giving a lot of thought to the M but all I hear is blame on me - I don't hear anything about the mistakes she has made other than putting up with me, and what she has sacrificed. I really don't see how we can reconcile when she has that mindset - it would never work. She'll always be resentful holding something against me moving away and me pursuing - not a healthy relationship. I have no idea how to deal with this!
Life was easier and lighter years ago for us but, although my W denies that was a big part of the problem, the financial stress we have been under for years has taken a toll on our relationship. We did a big reno on our house in 2007 and ever since we've been behind the 8 ball financially. And that has meant years of stress and living pay cheque to pay cheque and she works part-time and doesn't make a lot of money. Prior to that we were comfortable and fairly happy with some spare income for her and I to do overnight get away's out of town etc. We can't even afford to go out for dinner now. I was planning to reno part of the basement into an apartment to rent out which would really help with cashflow but we don't have much money in reserve to even do that reno. We may just end up selling the house regardless of what direction we go in. It would alleviate a lot of stress, whether we stay together or not. Ideally we move as a family into a more affordable home in the same neighborhood but she said she can't live with me anymore. As most do here, I have a long road ahead of me!
I've sometimes think the same as you with regards non-affair related issues. My W isn't acting out, she shows no anger, there is malice in anything she has said she is just indifferent.
She has shouldered all the blame for the breakdown of our M and has openly told people that it's nothing I've done. She has said that there was nothing wrong with our R and wouldn't have changed anything but she just doesn't feel like she doesn't love me anymore and isn't missing me.
I, like you think the stresses of life and the expectations of M has broken her. We were living paycheck to paycheck, we had no time to spend with the kids, childcare was a nightmare, we had little to nothing to show for all our efforts.
If I'm honest I feel like I could climb Everest and it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference.
