Tonight I had a blow up with H. It was over the kids and the planned now unplanned trip to Europe. He again did the usual called me controlling, said he could never live that way that was the problem with our relationship. "This just basically sealed the deal". He said what is to prevent me from behaving the same way down the road. I said 'nothing but a desire to raise the kids in as harmonious environment as possible". I pointed out to him my objection to Europe was not Europe but his A partner and his lack of plan regarding exposure to her and how he was going to address the kids needs and confusion about all of the changes in there with all our friends and relatives. I read the lighthouse post today and felt further empowered. It's amazing how he can twist my thinking into making me think he's not so bad and there may be some logic to what he says.. He is/was successful at that when it involves our interaction but not when it involves our children. He just uses it against me.
Unfortunately we ended in a R talk. I am not sure wether it was better/worse, pursuer distancer or more of the same. Actually as I think about it in the light of day. It's just him trying to rein me back in. He acknowledged that he doesn't find me "all bad just lacking affection". He said he's never been with anyone like me before. He says that for 8 years he felt no affection and he finally got out. I wished him well and said I'm moving on. I guess I should not have said that I guess I should not have engaged with him at all. But sadly I could not not defend myself to some degree. I did do better than previously and also listened. He's still on the way to see his A partner. She apparently is more affectionate than his too functional W. (me).
Now question since I failed the 180 detachment, LRT plan what do I do now? Demonstrate affection or stay the course. He is in someway responding if not overwhelmingly positive. Actually I think I can answer my own question. My feelings should not be dependent on his action or inaction. I am not rewarding him with more pursuit. He is my friendly neighbor.
Addendum He dragged me in again this evening. This time with a request for his sister and her affair partner to stay in our home on vacation with her son. I said no. My response is no different for her than for you. In fact I told him that her presumption that he could bring this person whom no one knows to our house was rude and crossed all kinds of decency boundaries. We argued over when I knew and when I agreed or didn't agree to this and why I am preventing everyone from having fun. This is about the kids not me.... Anyone else have similar experiences? How did you handle this? How should I maintain my sanity? I feel like the world is conspiring around me to be unethical and dishonest and that's just ok???!!!
M 10 T13 D9,S7 BD 8/17/2014 S 8/2015, moved out 11/7/15
Now question since I failed the 180 detachment, LRT plan what do I do now? Demonstrate affection or stay the course. He is in someway responding if not overwhelmingly positive. Actually I think I can answer my own question. My feelings should not be dependent on his action or inaction. I am not rewarding him with more pursuit. He is my friendly neighbor.
Hello Jamaica,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You are exactly right! Your feelings should not be dependent on his action or inaction. Put your time, effort and energy into being the best Jamaica and Mom that only a fool would leave.
Just because he and his sister choose to have affairs and blame it on their childhood/role models doesn't mean that this behavior needs to continue to the next generation. You are so smart to recognize that it is important to keep the children away from those kinds of influences.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Christy Thanks for your support. I currently am working with one of the DB coaches if that's what you had in mind! He left for Europe without the kids. We will see what reentry is like and whether his sister will still come with her affair partner and her son. I feel the worst for the children involved. For my nephew, my SIL son that I'm not sure how he's coping and my children for having my H as a father example. My guilt about that choice often bothers me more than my pain of his action.
M 10 T13 D9,S7 BD 8/17/2014 S 8/2015, moved out 11/7/15
I'm very happy to hear that your kids didn't go to Europe with your husband.
I'm sure your DB Coach is advising you on how to not let your guilt from the choices others make out weigh the good work you are doing for yourself and your kids.
Please call me at 303-444-7004 when you would like to schedule another telephone coaching session with your DB Coach.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
