Quick update today... I met, and retained my lawyer this morning, we went over circumstances again, my consequences for purchasing a motorcyce after the D and TRO was served (she doesn't see anything wrong with it, and won't cause any problems, yay!) She gave me the advice/recommendation that I "make her the bad girl" from here on out, something it seems you all have already done as well. I paid the retainer fee with our joint checking account, emailed W's attorney and told him no further communication to me, and to send everything to her from now on.
After my L meeting, I had an appt with my NEW IC... the last one wasn't doing it for me. This one was great, she was everything that I wanted from a new IC, and we talked about expectations, focus, and her role in our future relationship for counseling. She said she's amazed at the amount of work I've already put in, and in our "introductory" conversation of getting to know one another, along with my views on my sitch, she only really had two suggestions for me to consider.
1. Slow Down! She said intellectually, I'm on top of it, but emotionally it's not going to change overnight, and its easy to get overwhelmed.
2. Change my focus from Her, and MR, to ME. When giving background story, she noticed I talked about her and M a lot, she asked me to focus on me more, and then I told her about my DB'ing, and she said, GREAT!.
I also got some homework assignments (miracle questions, and goals) --- Shortly after my appt, W texted me and said "can we or can we not sit down and talk about this?" I planned on responding a little later, but that didn't happen, as she showed up at the house about 5 minutes later. She came in and said hi, I greeted her back. I told her that I wasn't entirely sure what she wished to talk about, but I've had some time to process things and I'm willing to talk with her. As I shoved a huge bit of lunch in my mouth, she blurts out in an aggressively toned voice, "Honestly, do you want to have kids!?, Be honest". I looked at her with a mouthful and she apologized. I told her that I'd like to talk, but I can't right now, and told her the only night available for me is tonight, and then I'll be busy until Monday...
So she's coming by tonight to 'talk'. I know she's going to have about 500 questions she's wanting to belt out at me... If she asks questions, I'm going to do everything I can to direct the conversation back to her. As far as I'm concerned, I don't have much to say that I haven't already said to her (the DB mantras), and she's made a strong statement with the filing for D.
I find it funny that in this situation, the first thing she points out and wants to know the answer to is... Do I want kids!? wtf...anyways, that's all for now. I have some work to do. Hope all of you are having a good day!
That's awesome that you found a good IC! They are so valuable with helping organized thoughts. Which is what I said the other day. It seemed like your mind was racing. Mentally you know what you should be doing and how to do it. Slow down and work your process and what you want to accomplish. I think when you and W talk tonight it's important to incorporate the "new you" that you want to be and the guy you are working on. Make sure you listen and validate. Answer her questions. But don't give too much information. For instance. If she asks the kid question the answer her honestly. You do want to have kids. So say yes. Don't over think it, just don't give more details than needed. You will do great!
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Thanks for the encouragement, Morpheus. Miracle question is used regularly in solutions-based therapy, also called the "problem is gone" question... but it's basically:
It's used to help people who are unsure, or conflicted of what their preferred future would look like. It's traditionally asked verbally, and used to provide insight on what someone would do with their life if problem XYZ didn't exist... She modified it for me for my sitch, and since I told her I hold a deeper connection with pen to paper than words to air, she gave me a writing assignment based on the traditional approach...
But the miracle questions typical is: "Imagine this While you are sleeping tonight, in the middle of the night, a miracle happens, and the problem that prompted you to talk to me today is magically solved! But because this happens while you are sleeping, you have no way of knowing that there was an overnight miracle that solved the problem...
So, when you wake up tomorrow morning, what might be the small change that will make you say to yourself, "Wow, something must have happened - the problem is gone!"
also, a shorter version: "if you woke up tomorrow, and a miracle happened so that you no longer <insert focal topic here>, what would see differently? What would be the first signs that the miracle occurred?" ---example 'focal topics'--- lost my anger easily tried to control everything in debt up to my eyeballs was constantly badgered by my wife ...etc
So, from the time it took to get from my house to sit down and check my email in my office... my W decided to shift gears and went from asking me questions about "if I'd want to have children", to serving me a subpoena for run financial discovery through my employer for 3 years of income and deposit details... this woman, I tell ya what.
Betterm - thank you for the amount of details in your posts! It has been very helpful in relating to my sitch and giving me additional ideas on ways to approach things.
Me:39, W39 D19, S17 - both out of house T13, M9 5/22/2016 she wants in-home separation
So, from the time it took to get from my house to sit down and check my email in my office... my W decided to shift gears and went from asking me questions about "if I'd want to have children", to serving me a subpoena for run financial discovery through my employer for 3 years of income and deposit details... this woman, I tell ya what.
I almost just sent this text... "I'm still not sure what you're wishing to talk about tonight, but I'll be home by 8PM. What exactly is it that you're feeling that makes you want to have a conversation about kids one minute, and switch to filing a subpoena to discover potential financial fraud/perjury the next?"
And then again. Almost sent... "are you sure you 'want' to talk tonight? If you can't trust that I won't commit perjury on the financial document, how am I supposed to believe anything I say tonight won't be rejected with this same distrust?"
And then again. Almost sent... "are you sure you 'want' to talk tonight? If you can't trust that I won't commit perjury on the financial document, how am I supposed to believe anything I say tonight won't be rejected with this same distrust?"
