Where to start

[betterm]

This is my first post so don't listen to anything I say

Whoa! that's one heck of a first post. how long have you been lurking?

[EDF]

Join a gym just to go sit in the hot tub for an hour.
....
Take a pottery/metalworking/painting/woodworking/sword-making class on the weekend.

Great stuff liono! All solid advice, but the hot tub thing had never occurred to me. I've been ho-humming over whether a gym membership would be worth it or if I should work out on my own, but if there was a hot tub too... and sword-making... I've been working on my GAL wishlist for weeks, and these two are definitely going on it

Keaton, keep up the effort! It's a process, and even as you get better at it there will still be ups and downs and some of the downs will really hit you where it counts right when you think you're getting things under control. Just keep getting back up and dusting yourself off.

I've found it tricky to adopt the proper stance of staying detached and aloof around WW without seeming frigid/pissed or like I am ignoring her. One thing that has helped me a bit is to not think of her as my wife (she's really not at the moment anyway), but to think of her as a kinda messed up roommate. Someone I perhaps see future potential with, if she gets things sorted, but at the moment she's that chick in an unhealthy relationship with some other loser and is too wrapped up in her own drama to really value me. So I try to be that lighthouse... focus on me, stand up for myself, validate her feelings, and strive to be upbeat and confident in the transformation I am undertaking within myself. Work on being upbeat and "keeping it light & breezy" around other people, and it will slowly become easier to be that way around WW too.

[Keaton]

So she agreed to stay with me, but wanted to the freedom to do whatever whenever she wanted. I agreed. So then just a few days later she goes out and stays out all night, during a weekday.

How come you agreed to this?

Because I think, and I believe she thinks, this is just a "phase" or MLC. We still love each other, it's just we both have some stuff we need to figure out.

[Keaton]

Liono,

Thanks for your insight! Your right I have had problems setting boundaries. And I do need to stop talking about that R with W. I am more focused on that today than I have been in sometime. Last night was a wake-up call for me.

The things that I was taking care of around the house was for me and some for her. I know that I need to just focus on me right now, but I figure if I'm repairing things, might as well throw a couple of other odds and ends in there.

Once I get the pool opened, I'll be able to relax there quite a bit. I did lift weights today and it felt good. Possibly going out with some friends later. Today has been a much better day than I've had in sometime. Just need to keep staying positive and focused.

[Keaton]

Betterm,

I am doing much better today, thanks! Yes, some of these things around the house may have been patching a hole or two. It was reminded that my temper had gotten the best of me over the last few months. It's ok to be angry, but there's no reason it should come out like that.

On the goal front, I'm not 100% sure what I'm going to set. I did complete my resume today, so I can start looking for a job that I might actually enjoy. I'm working on the pool to get it open so I can swim regularly. I have a goal to keep working out frequently. And probably one of my biggest goals is to be able to apply the information I'm reading about in the book I have been reading. I think this would help me go a long ways to bettering myself, for me.

[Keaton]

I've found it tricky to adopt the proper stance of staying detached and aloof around WW without seeming frigid/pissed or like I am ignoring her. One thing that has helped me a bit is to not think of her as my wife (she's really not at the moment anyway), but to think of her as a kinda messed up roommate. [/quote]

EDF - I think this is what I needed to hear. I've been trying to tell myself that she is no longer my W, but also in turn thinking of her as a "messed up roomate" might help a little bit too. Thanks for the suggestion!

[betterm]

Betterm,
On the goal front, I'm not 100% sure what I'm going to set. I did complete my resume today, so I can start looking for a job that I might actually enjoy. I'm working on the pool to get it open so I can swim regularly. I have a goal to keep working out frequently. And probably one of my biggest goals is to be able to apply the information I'm reading about in the No More Mr. Nice Guy book I have been reading. I think this would help me go a long ways to bettering myself, for me.

That seems like a very good start. Try to keep in mind, that goals should have the five following things applied to them, the acronym SMART was one that was suggested to me (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Timely.) That keeps, at least me, from making goals like "learn 14 new languages someday".

That No More Mr Niceguy was suggested to me by my non-DB coach... she was a real ballbuster type. Literally, she made me feel like a fool the way she wiped the fog off my lenses on how I've been handling my situation, and my MR in general.

Good luck to you, keep posting, keep digging, and start kicking some @$$.

[Keaton]

Thank you all for your thoughts, insights and suggestions.

Today has been much better. I have been focused all day on doing what I set out to do for the day. I think I need to start making a daily list of things to accomplish both at home and work, and focus more on getting those things done. I've been staying upbeat and positive today. First time in a while.

As some of you have stated, I know there will still be plenty of downs and ups, but right now I'm working on an up, and I need to stay positive and focused.

The detaching is going to be the hard part for me. I'm trying to work on it, but it is a struggle. I've not reached out to her today at all, but she has contacted me at least 4 different times. I kept it short and sweet, wasn't rude, answered her questions and moved on.

I did workout today, and holy crap am I going to feel this tomorrow. Probably need to eat something soon too. Anyways, I'll check back in later this evening. Thank you all again for your help through this fantastic (sarcasm) journey!

[Keaton]

Just a quick check-in. So far so good today. Had little contact with W. Been fairly focused at work, which is a great change from the last couple of weeks. Put together my list of things that I will get accomplished today and that is helping in keeping me focused.

Had dinner with some friends last night, and that felt good to get out of the house and talk with some people.

Have my IC appointment tonight, so we'll see how that goes. Just trying to stay positive and remind myself that I no longer have a W, but as EDF help put it, I have a "messed up roommate" that I don't need to talk with if I don't have to.

Hope this evening goes as well as yesterday.

[doodler]

Keaton,

I'm glad things are going well!

I often use a checklist as well; I've found that it really helps when it comes to getting things done. I need to be more disciplined about using a list on a daily basis.