M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
I knocked on the door and he wouldn't come out, I talked through the screen that was open and asked him to come out and we could talk like men. Of course he wouldn't. So I just left. I have an appointment with my L this afternoon. This is me playing hardball.
coffee_,
I don't know if that's DB or not, but I like it! Kick @ss and take names. Good for you!
I quit DBing, she is so far gone, tonight she told me that my actions made her like the OM more, still not admitting to the A, so she will be a divorced 43 year old dating a guy she works with...I wonder what will happen when they figure out they can't trust each other....[censored] but it just has to be over. I probably made poor choices last night. But I needed to know the final piece of the puzzle for sure. Met with the L today, going to get the ball rolling...
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
coffee...it's all good bro. I have no problem with what you did last night. If it helps you get closure and start to detach then I'm fine with it.
What a serial adulterer thinks of how you handle her family destroying infidelity doesn't matter to me, any more than a 3 year old that screams how much they hate you because you didn't buy them the ice cream cone they wanted at McDonalds.
It's all about you here coffee. I still think what you do matters, but for YOU. When you do your best to live the way you think a man should every day, it just makes it easier to shrug off the spew and insanity she hurls at you. So please keep DBing in terms of detaching, growing (180s), GAL (finding new ways to meet your emotional needs), and finding your own happiness. DBing is all about you anyway, whether or not she wants to tango doesn't matter, and for your sake I'm glad this woman doesn't want to because she is very bad news.
Please keep posting c. The next year will be difficult, but if you play your cards right you will find happiness and contentment that you didn't believe you'd ever have in your life. I am there. I didn't think it was possible with my marriage ending, but I've learned the secret. I've become appreciative day by day of what I do have. My loss forced me to learn to let go and be happy with reality, because it finally got through my thick skull that life doesn't give you what you want, so you have to learn to want what you get.
Talk soon.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Good to hear from you Z! I really like what you write, I strive to be in your position some day. Yes I agree that what I did was necessary, yes it P'd her off. Did I care? No, I shrugged it off. She said to me that my actions are "putting the idea in her head" Like I said she is not admitting to the A but right there she did. I told her that my actions couldn't do that, not my fault...and it is called free will. She had no comeback. She is still P'd this morning. Funny that she will only talk to me about things that she is mad about, but not things that she has done to destroy our home. Her head is in the fog. I am learning more and more about her each day, hour, minute. She is protecting herself, at the expense of our home. Amazing to me...sick really.
So yes Zuess this is about me, it will be a tough year with ups and downs. My future is uncertain, but you have helped me to realize it always has been. I am making a list, small achievable goals. Preparing for the D. But also giving less thought about her and more thought about me. I will miss what I had, regret staying so long. But I will let this experience teach me things that I never knew about myself.
My L is awesome, expensive and a pitbull. I feel I found a good one. I thing I am at the acceptance stage right now, moving back and forth from this stage. I really am working at accepting what is happening in my life. I think it will also help me move on. Other stages prior where just keeping me stuck, although I move backwards into the why stage, and for some stupid reason still hitting the denial button. But up until I actually saw her with him I really couldn't move on. The D will take quite a bit of my time but I am back to GAL, trying to spend time with my friends without discussing my M problems. Working on being the best father I can to my S13, we have a good relationship but I know I can do better. Looking for other ways to 180 but that takes some serious looking in the mirror. I have a good support system, funny how many people I know went through this, I guess those facts where known, but you really don't understand until you go through personally. I do have compassion for my STBXW, I feel her life will be more of the same WO me, but maybe not, maybe I held her back also for 21yrs. Everything happens for a reason, even 21yrs of M...It is His plan, placing my faith that He will make this wrong a right. Zuess, thanks again for checking in, your words mean a lot to me, I thought maybe you bailed. Happy Thursday all.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
Just got an email, she is trying to reel me back in. It will be hard to deliver her the consequences but I understand now that is must be done to protect me. My emotions and well being are too valuable to live this way for much longer, prolonging will only weaken my spirit more, it will make it harder to move on. And it will make it more difficult to maybe find a new mate someday (not that I am thinking that will happen soon). I need to find myself, as an individual and really sort out what I am looking for in that person before I let my guard down again.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
It helped me to think of my WW as a drug addict. For two reasons.
1) It was easy not to take it as personally. To have your life partner choose another man over you burns the soul. To watch someone addicted to meth leave their marriage and move into a flophouse where they can shoot up every night, well, it's easier to look at that objectively and compassionately and just understand she has an addiction and is powerless over it.
2) It makes it easier to set firm boundaries. When you think of her as your wife, lover, and life partner, and she is appealing to your emotions, it's hard not to be impacted. When you think of her as an addict that is simply saying whatever they need to say to try to enable the continuation of their addiction, it's easier to disengage and stick to the road you know you need to take.
Maybe it would be a better example to describe her as a gambling addict. A gambling addict will burn through your bank account, your 401K, your assets, and your credit lines if you let them. Well, a WW will burn through the 21 years of emotional good will she has built up. She will manipulate and use you and use you until either 1) you are emotionally bankrupt, or 2) you remove her as an authorized signer from your emotional account. This is why detaching is so critical.
Hopefully this helps you in your process of detaching the way it did me. It is time to cut her off, not to apply consequences, not to try to teach her a lesson, and certainly not to try to get her to hit rock bottom and come out of her fog (although if any of this helps her journey then as compassionate people of course we want that for her). But simply because I don't want you going along for a ride with her.
Remember, you can't expect her to let go of her addiction to OM if you can't let go of your addiction to her. Lead by example. Walk the walk. Detach. Go your own way. Be there for yourself. You have to fight your own battles now. She can't save you from your battles, and you can't save her from hers.
Keep posting.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Yes I am. Thanks JB. Bedtime here but will talk soon. Glad to know you're there.