Piecing my life and M back together

[PacLove]

Curious - what ultimately drove you to file for D so quickly? do you think it helped "spur" W back into the marriage as a wake up call? I'm surprised how quickly you filed, everything I've read says wait 90 days (minimum) before making and drastic moves upon affair discovery.

I didn't file right away. When I discovered the A with the voice recorder in December, I kicked her out of the house. Then, I THOUGHT we were both working on ourselves so that we could then work on our M. But in the middle of March, I found out (by accessing her FB account) that the A was very much still alive. It restarted towards the end up January.

For me, I was unwilling to stay in a M where that was going on. If that was the life she wanted for herself, then she could have it but she could also not have me so I was ready to move on with my life. I really so no future for us at that point so I was done.
I see a lot of people, probably the majority, are willing to wait out the A. I wasn't. The A's almost always crash and burn but I wasn't willing to wait on that.

As it turns out, I think my filing for D was the catalyst that began to tear down the walls. OM probably knew that I would be telling his W about the A and so he decided to do it first. He essentially dumped my W by doing that because he was never going to leave his W. My W didn't immediately turn around and coming running back to me. She was initially still very much in the fog and holding on to her rebellion, resentment and anger. It took the words of OM's W to my W to get her to start seeing the lies she had been holding on to and that is what got her to start coming out of the fog. Even then, it was slow. On the first day we spoke after I served her papers (6 days later and 3 days after OM confessed to his W), my W actually asked me if I thought I'd be ok with her eventually going back over to his house to train as began starting the process of reconciling. And that answer was of course "NO!" After that, I knew that I would still be getting divorced. But it was after that, that OM and his W spoke with my W and that conversation is what allowed the fog to begin to clear. They essentially told her "Go back to your husband. Do whatever it takes." And she took those words to heart and began to do that. Only then did I begin to see the remorse.

Thanks in my case OM left his W last fall so if I filed she could well go running to him. She says she doesn't want a D and I can file if I like. I think this she knows deep down this is a fling and she's trying to enjoy it as long as both I and he allow it.

[LiM]

Hi Pac,

Everyone has to decide whats best in their particular situation. For me, I KNEW OM wouldn't leave his W. I knew there would be a risk that he would be kicked out of his house if his W knew. Frankly, I'm surprised he didn't get kicked out. If he did, he might have gone to stay with my W but I also knew that wouldn't have lasted long.

I wish I could offer you some advice. Your W seems to be cake eating a little. She says she doest want a D but is going to continue her A anyways. If I were you (warning: 2x4 coming) I would grow a pair and stand up for yourself. You don't deserve to be treated this way. You can of course wait it out and see if she comes back. If I were you, I would file. It doesn't mean you have to go through with the divorce but it lets her know you mean business. If you have done all the other things you should have been doing (GAL and 180) then you are coming across as a strong, confident, independent man (THIS is attractive). It could be what is needed to shake things up. But it could also backfire on you. Only do it if you are ready to move on with your life without her.

[LiM]

Our marriage counselor tasked my wife and I with writing out our own definition of forgiveness. I decided to tap my inner artistic self and wrote a poem. If you have any thoughts on what forgiveness is to you, I'd like to hear it.
Here is my poem:

Forgiveness is CHOOSING Love over Anger
Forgiveness is CHOOSING acceptance over resentment

Forgiveness is CHOOSING to let go of the past and embracing the promise of the future
Forgiveness is CHOOSING to let go of the hurt so that you may replace it with peace

Forgiveness is CHOOSING to diminish the negative and emphasize the positive
Forgiveness is CHOOSING to be humble and let go of pride

Forgiveness is CHOOSING to rise above the pain while recognizing its right to exist
Forgiveness is CHOOSING to be strong in spite of your weaknesses

Forgiveness is CHOOSING to let go of disappointment and accepting life will never be perfect
Forgiveness is CHOOSING to live your life on your terms despite what has been done to you

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself
Forgiveness is a CHOICE

[1john1]

I think your story is full of things that can give others here hope. I know it did for me.

I like your poem. We have spoken a bit of forgivness. I also believe love is a choice.

[PacLove]

Is forgiveness a gift for yourself or to your wife? To some degree believe it's both. She seeks forgiveness, it's your choice to give it to her or not.

Good poem though!

[Coconut]

To me forgiveness is knowing what has occurred, accepting it and not holding on to the hurt it has caused, allowing the future moving past it will bring.

Don't let yesterday's pain ruin today's promise.

[Stormchaser]

Thanks for your continued updates, LiM.

I've been following LiM's thread and his situation is similar to mine, with a few exceptions.

My biggest mistakes in hindsight were also letting my W back too soon. She was struggling on her own for 2 weeks, and I was missing her terribly, so I let her come back home. She asked to come back home, since she made the efforts to make IC and MC appointments. When she was home, that first month was a disaster, she left many times and called places to get an apartment. She wanted to stay with her dad. She wanted to stay with a friend. We should've been apart longer. We did nothing but fight and argue. She couldn't afford an apartment and moving with friends or her father would've placed her pretty far away from work.

The other mistake I made was not telling OM's W and my W's boss. The affair happened at work and had I told them, one or both would've likely been fired. They still work together, and my W assures me they rarely talk at work. She says she realizes the huge psychological mess she caused to everyone (me, our kids, our immediate family) and would never dare to risk something like this ever again. The consequences are too drastic.

When I first found out, she became suicidal and locked herself in a hotel room for a week, drinking heavily and crying non stop. Would she really commit suicide? I did find a journal of hers that says she thanks God I stopped her - but I believe she left the journal out for me to see, so I'm not sure of what kind of drama she was conjuring up.

The good news on my end: My W is completely remorseful and accepts her part in the marriage breakdown. Like LiM, I blame myself for my part in it as well, because last year we became so disconnected and verbally abusive to each other, its a surprise we didn't divorce. I opted to shut myself down and ignore her, she opted to screw around. I have no sympathy for that behavior, however. I exploded at her in MC one time, telling her she should've come to me or a counselor before she got physical with the guy. She said she was too afraid. She thought she could compartmentalize everything, and she did, until I busted her on Valentines day this year. She says she's glad she got caught because who knows what could've happened had she NOT been caught. The MC says the fact she was busted was a good thing for both of us because now we are talking like never before (except for the affair, we can only discuss it in front of MC) and it was a wake up call for the both of us.

My W looks at me with love now. I've been in IC and have improved and made myself incredibly attractive to her once again, like when we first were dating. I've been going to the gym 6 days a week and lost 20 lbs, and gained a pretty decent frame on me now. People that haven't seen me are shocked at the physical change in me. Especially the wife, who is crazy about me now.

The problem is: I now have the marriage I've dreamed of. These last 5 years were a disaster of us fighting, drinking and just accepting this is how it's going to be. We're getting along, she posts lovey stuff about me on FB every day, and we're trying to heal. However, I have these terrible mental movies that are short of torturous. My W is supportive, and when I tell her about them, she assures me that didn't happen and my "mind movies" are worse than the actual event. She admits to several emotional affairs in the past, but always was been able to stop them before they got physical.

When times like this hit, I start getting scared, wondering if I'm now swinging up out of that hysterical bonding stage. I wonder if maybe we should take a break again. I wonder if I should tell OM's wife, even though its 4 months post BD. I wonder if I'm becoming SO strong, that I don't need her. Like Bluwave once said, its ok to not need that person anymore, but still want them. But what if I don't want her?

She entered a fitness competition this weekend and I was her coach throughout all her training. She took 5th place in an event and readily admits she couldn't have done it without me. She was on stage, proudly beaming, holding her trophy, while everyone around me was congratulating me on how beautiful she was and how great a couple we are now. And for a fleeting second, I saw her on stage and thought, "she's damaged goods to me now". I couldn't be happy for her, but I acted the role of the good husband.

Is it because she's still working with OM? I know if I brought it up, she would quit for me. But that would only be a part of it, another thing would bother me, and another, then another...at what point does it stop?

And yet, last week, we had a good time together and I really believed we were going to be one of those success stories. Maybe we will. Our MC says my emotions are to be expected and probably won't settle down for at least a year, but am I patient enough to wait it out a year? A friend of mine who had an affair, and successfully reconciled, told me that the first year is bad, but now (5 years later) his marriage has never been stronger. That is my goal, but getting there may truly suck.

[LiM]

When times like this hit, I start getting scared, wondering if I'm now swinging up out of that hysterical bonding stage. I wonder if maybe we should take a break again. I wonder if I should tell OM's wife, even though its 4 months post BD. I wonder if I'm becoming SO strong, that I don't need her. Like Bluwave once said, its ok to not need that person anymore, but still want them. But what if I don't want her?

Storm,

You said it was a mistake not to tell the OM's W. It may or may not have been. You have to consider that you are now at a place where you W is home, she is remorseful, she is in love with you and you have the potential for a long, fulfilling life together. The choices you made (including not telling OM's W) led you to this place. So was it a mistake?
I definitely understand the desire behind wanting to expose it. But I think that desire comes from a place of seeking revenge. A place of wanting to inflict the same pain onto him that was inflicted on to you.
But right now, doing that will have no positive effect on the R with your W. In fact, it could damage the relationship.
It hurts and we want to lash out. We want to hurt those that have hurt us. Its normal to feel this way. But I think you have to let it go.
In time, all of this will just become a memory. And we will not feel either good or bad about it. It will just be there. We still won't want it to be there but it won't have the power over us that it currently does. We just have to give it time. We chose the high road. All M's have problems. Not everyone has an A to deal with their issues. We didn't. Continue to choose the high road.

[Stormchaser]

Wish I would've read this before bedtime last night.

Wife was pretty late from work last night. She wasn't answering texts or phone calls. I HATE calling the direct line at work, but I got worried. Not that I was worried bout anything happening to her like an accident - more like, my imagination started thinking "what if OM was there"? And they were chatting it up?

I do finally call her direct and she answers, saying yes, she got tied up talking to her boss about this competition she was in and she's heading out now. Of course, again, my imagination just doesn't believe it. She comes home, I'm quiet, she wants to know what's wrong, and I tell her I just didn't feel right about tonight.

Immediately, she got defensive and wanted to know where this was coming from, we've been close these last 2 weeks, no arguments, nothing. Sex nearly every day. Going on vacation next week. Started saying she can't stay with me if I'm going to keep on not trusting her, and I'm pushing her away. This, of course, sent MY radar up sky high, wondering why SHE'S becoming so defensive, and we went at it. I said "A simple hug and reassurance would've gone really far", and she snapped back, "how much damn reassurance do you want, we facetime every day, we have sex every night, we have never been closer in our 30 years together....give me ONE instance where I've given you a reason to not trust me anymore..."

Any kind of rationalization went out the window. I told her, "Trust doesn't magically happen overnight. Even our MC said this will take a minimum of a year to start healing, and we're only at 4 months, you said in MC you are in it for the long run...right?" Then the long pause on her end.....which didn't sit too well with me.

Her anger was that this came out of nowhere. She hates that I spring this on her, especially when we've had a good few weeks. Meanwhile, if the roles were reversed, you'd be damn sure I'd be trying to comfort her as much as possible.

I just don't get it.....

[LiM]

You handled yourself well during the encounter Storm. My radar would have gone off too.
Our former WW's simply can't understand how long it will take us to recover from this. If you go to Amazon and search for "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" a book will come up. I found this book valuable and my W read it. I would recommend getting it so that both of you can read it. You should read it first. Highlight anything in it that speaks to you. Then let her read it. If you present this from a place of hurt and trying to heal (and not out of anger) she should be receptive.
I think all is ok but I would certainly keep my eyes peeled for anything else that raises red flags.