Moving on

[Vanilla]

Even if he tells you what you want to hear, would that make it so?

V

[Painter]

It would be validation, to hear him that he treated me poorly and regrets his choices. It wouldn't turn back time, but it would make me feel validated.

[J5K]

Sleep well Painter.

[Painter]

Thanks Jim, working myself to sleep here... Hope you have a good night, too.

[Sotto]

Hi Painter, I can understand it feeling difficult to look forward. The only thing I would say WRT to your H is you may not actually get anything helpful from him.

When I had this kind of convo with XH - he said that he knew he'd made mistakes, but he hopes I would see he's a genuine guy who truly knows what he wants now (ie: a new family with someone else.)

That didn't help me at all and still rankles. I think I must have posted it 20x on this forum! So.....with his mindset right now, he may not offer anything that really helps you...

I hope you have a better day today, and sorry I didn't mean to minimise your pain at all - this recent revelation was difficult and it does take time to work through that, and you're doing really well in tough circumstances I think.

Take care xx

[Ginger1]

Honestly, you are so not far into this, wanting these things and having difficulty looking forward is so normal.

8 years I have. 8 years ago my ex cheated on me while I was pregnant (took me until they were engaged to find out), left me when our daughter was a baby, went on to marry this woman.

The only ounce of validation I ever got was "sorry it had ot happen this way" and that was very insincere.

I didn't want him back. I wanted to be SORRY. To admit to mistakes. Show some regret. A little validation of the pure hell he put me through. I got nada. Eventually my need for it just faded away. That's when I really began to look forward.

You will get there, that I can promise you. It's just going to take a little time and work.

[Painter]

Sotto, no worries - your post helped me clarify to myself what is going on in my mind and where in the process I am. That's really important!

[Painter]

Ginger, that's horrific. I really think they just can't live with themselves if they admit what they've done. I know H thinks of himself as a nice guy. Nice guys don't cheat on their wives. So it's a cognitive dissonance situation where he has to change his behavior or perceptions to not feel mental stress. It's easier to change perceptions - decide that this somehow had to happen, was out of his power (like H had to move OW in due to her financial situation) than to change the behavior because that would also include an admission of having done something wrong.

[JujuB]

Great discussion.


I think it is every single LBS ultimate fantasy...that walkaway spouse will one day see things the way we do. That they will regret their actions and regret the loss of LBS. Validation that will communicate their regret for losing us.

But here's the truth. All that does, is simply feed our egos. None of us wants to be disposable. But the fact is we were very disposable to them. Our family was disposable to them.

Now this might say more about them and what they are capable of regarding committment and family and values. Or it might simply be that they recognize life is short, they are miserable with us and need a different path. It doesn't matter because the outcome is the same.

I think true strength comes from not needing their lies or validation or ego boosts or them. True strength comes from just accepting the loss and moving on because it's out of our control and we are ok with ourselves.

[Painter]

I see it a little differently. I think of it more like an injustice or a crime that I have a natural need for restitution from. In the state H and I lived in, is is a crime. A misdemeanor, but still.

If your home was burglarized or your car stolen, or your daughter raped or killed, we would all feel the perpetrator should be held accountable, right? We wouldn't think of that need for justice as something that was about ego, or that we would be stronger if we didn't pursue the issue.

Most women are raped by someone they know. A beloved grandfather or uncle may have molested children in the family. The family is devastated. Someone they loved and have known all their lives, have done something horrific. The individual family members will handle it differently - some will go into denial, some will blame the victim, some will feel he should be punished. It's hard when someone you love does something bad. It can fracture the family. People take sides and never get past it.

I don't think I necessarily need to hear H say that he regrets losing me. I mainly want him to admit that what he did was wrong and hurtful and that his choice to have an A has has nothing to do with our M problems.

Him using our M problems as an excuse to have and A and replace me with OW is sort of like if he had never learned how to drive, got a car and crashed it, and then blamed the crash on the car and thought if he just got a new car, he wouldn't crash again.