Thanks, fellas. I'm cutting the cell phone bill over to her name and billing responsibilities today... I haven't snooped in a while, and don't plan on doing so at all anymore. "stopping snooping", and not having any idea where my W is, or who she has been talking to, is so much easier on the mind than constantly checking. It used to be the other way around, I "needed" to know her actions... Now, I really don't give a rip... I'm not the judge of her anymore.
Some random thoughts....
It's strange how the "fear" changes as your move through the process... I started off fearing that detachment would allow her space she needs to realize she doesn't want me around, and she'd reassure her concerns that she'd be better off without me. And I'd lose any chance I thought I had with reconciling with my W.
Now, after a ridiculously speedy detachment period (thanks to my coaches, counselors, and community - for showing me how blind I've been of R actions and responses), I don't know, or care, if she wants me back at all, but the 'fear'... if that's what you want to call it, is whether or not I'll ever see the person I once loved so dearly, as someone that even has a place in my future at all.
I still love her and would like to think we could enjoy a future together, but my newfound 'history' of us, her approach and actions throughout our R, has turned the tables and I'm asking myself... wtf was I thinking anyways?
Regardless of the outcome, and as hard as this has been, I am thankful for what has happened. I was becoming stagnant, and I had lost my confidence, leadership, aspirations, and purpose... I honestly feel like what's happening right now, was a necessary event to get my sh1t together... and because of this, not just myself, but everyone around me will benefit from the work in progress.
---
I'm actually looking forward to my IC session tomorrow. I dropped the last IC because, well, she svcked. Been waiting months to get in to this one, as she's highly rated in the area, and I'm happy to start with a clean slate, provide a detailed history of where I've been, where I'm at, and where I'd like to go.
Hope everyone's having a good day. Didn't have much time, but thought I'd jump over here and post on my lunch break.
Now, after a ridiculously speedy detachment period (thanks to my coaches, counselors, and community - for showing me how blind I've been of R actions and responses), I don't know, or care, if she wants me back at all, but the 'fear'... if that's what you want to call it, is whether or not I'll ever see the person I once loved so dearly, as someone that even has a place in my future at all.
I still love her and would like to think we could enjoy a future together, but my newfound 'history' of us, her approach and actions throughout our R, has turned the tables and I'm asking myself... wtf was I thinking anyways?
betterm,
I completely understand. The most amazing thing is how quickly the change occurs. Now, when you start reading some of the posts on this forum you'll see your former self and you'll want to gently whack them over the head as hard as you can.
I always enjoy seeing my IC. I go tomorrow morning. I'm going to discus pugilistic tendencies with regard to OM.
Thanks, fellas. I'm cutting the cell phone bill over to her name and billing responsibilities today... I haven't snooped in a while, and don't plan on doing so at all anymore. "stopping snooping", and not having any idea where my W is, or who she has been talking to, is so much easier on the mind than constantly checking. It used to be the other way around, I "needed" to know her actions... Now, I really don't give a rip... I'm not the judge of her anymore.
Here here to no snooping... the last two weeks have overall been great with me "not" knowing what she's up to (until she accidentally told me where she was on Friday). It really does make it easier to move forward!
Originally Posted By: betterm
Some random thoughts....
It's strange how the "fear" changes as your move through the process... I started off fearing that detachment would allow her space she needs to realize she doesn't want me around, and she'd reassure her concerns that she'd be better off without me. And I'd lose any chance I thought I had with reconciling with my W.
Now, after a ridiculously speedy detachment period (thanks to my coaches, counselors, and community - for showing me how blind I've been of R actions and responses), I don't know, or care, if she wants me back at all, but the 'fear'... if that's what you want to call it, is whether or not I'll ever see the person I once loved so dearly, as someone that even has a place in my future at all.
I still love her and would like to think we could enjoy a future together, but my newfound 'history' of us, her approach and actions throughout our R, has turned the tables and I'm asking myself... wtf was I thinking anyways?
Regardless of the outcome, and as hard as this has been, I am thankful for what has happened. I was becoming stagnant, and I had lost my confidence, leadership, aspirations, and purpose... I honestly feel like what's happening right now, was a necessary event to get my sh1t together... and because of this, not just myself, but everyone around me will benefit from the work in progress.
---
I'm actually looking forward to my IC session tomorrow. I dropped the last IC because, well, she svcked. Been waiting months to get in to this one, as she's highly rated in the area, and I'm happy to start with a clean slate, provide a detailed history of where I've been, where I'm at, and where I'd like to go.
Hope everyone's having a good day. Didn't have much time, but thought I'd jump over here and post on my lunch break.
It really is a process - amazed you moved through it so quickly, it's taken me 3+ months (BD was on 3/6) and I'm just starting to get my stuff together, work still has been a bear but home life and time with D has been amazing.
I also look forward to my IC sessions, I've had 3 different ones, this one is more collaborative - probably not the best but helpful to have someone to talk to.
I've come to grips with either outcome, obviously I'm hopeful for R but right now it's seriously in limbo. I reread one of the DR stories this morning and it was helpful - it really is a 6 month if not longer process, nothing is going to get resolved in such a short period of time.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
it really is a 6 month if not longer process, nothing is going to get resolved in such a short period of time.
And living in the disposable world of instant gratification we live in, no wonder the D rates are just soaring higher and higher. replace this, replace that, new phones, new cars, new spouses, gimme this, gimme that, meow meow MEOW!
Betterm, your last post made me laugh Keep up the good work. IC apt for you tomorrow will be a great thing because I can tell by how much you were posting your mind was racing. I get it. Just get it out here and not through texting Good Job! Keep it up
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Regardless of the outcome, and as hard as this has been, I am thankful for what has happened. I was becoming stagnant, and I had lost my confidence, leadership, aspirations, and purpose... I honestly feel like what's happening right now, was a necessary event to get my sh1t together... and because of this, not just myself, but everyone around me will benefit from the work in progress.
That's such a great attitude. I think I'm slowly coming around to this attitude myself. I've made a ton of positive changes in myself, at the very least all of this stuff I'm going through will not be for nothing and I'll be a better person and father.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I mentioned earlier that I wanted to share a story/mindset that resonated really well with me, and I think it can provide benefit to pretty much anyone on the forums... Some of you may have heard this before, but I had not and it was a great learning lesson.
There is a short opening story that goes with the message, so bear with me... and here ya go:
"My Response Is My Responsibility"
During World War II, while the Nazi regime ruled, a Christian Frenchman, who had been harboring Jews was captured. German soldiers brought him before an SS Officer known as “The Torturer”. At that moment, the peace of Christ came upon this Frenchman, who manifested on his face the serenity of the Lord. However, the SS Officer interpreted that tranquility as a snide look and screamed, “Get that smirk off your face!” You see, others who entered his presence stood in paralyzing fear, but on that day… not this Frenchman. This provoked the SS Officer, who shouted “Don’t you know who I am?!” The Frenchman said, “Yes, Sir. I know who you are. You are known as the torturer. You have the power to torture me. You have the power to kill me. But, Sir, you do not have the power to get me to hate you."
This points out a bold belief of... the power of the human spirit to be free within. This Frenchman reveals a wavy truth... That other people cannot control my inner world. They can control me physically. However, they cannot dictate what I think, what I believe, or what I feel. We possess a God given right to rule my own inner responses. No one can make me hate them; no one can force me to have contempt for them; that's a choice for myself. They cannot make that decision for me. --- To share a letter that was mentioned during the program: I have been incredibly frustrated in my relationship with my husband, and truth be known - I blamed most of it on him. Not because I think I am a Saint, but because I did believe that if he loved me properly, then everything would be... as it should be.
This woman made her husband Lord of her emotions and happiness. Of course, when we assign that kind of power to others, we make them our Gods. (ah hem, codependency, anyone?) Thus, when we are unhappy, we have only one recourse: Blame and Blaspheme this person who has become our God. Eventually, we are unhappy over how unhappy they have made us. We doubly resent them. We have no choice in this whole sorted affair, but to be depressed, since our response is their responsibility - and our God did not come through for us. --- One of the most profound truths we can subscribe ourselves to, is that People do not cause us to be the way we are... They reveal the way we are. "My response is my responsibility" Other people's actions are not responsible for our responses, but instead, reveal our responses for who we are. No one is to blame but ourselves. It's human nature to find justification in our actions and to blame others.
The truth is, your response is your responsibility... and my response is my responsibility, but my response is not your responsibility, and vice versa. And these people around us, are not causing us to act the way we are, they are only revealing our choices we make to be the way we are. This does not mean that our WAS's do not have to deal with their issues, they do. But that's a different matter than how we respond to how they are behaving. This doesn't mean we "let them off the hook". We have a responsibility to speak what is true, what is necessary, and to be clear about that, but we do so in a kind, loving, and respectful way. Subscribe to this axiom of "My response is my responsibility, and at the end of the day, your internal freedom is not going to be determined by the misbehavior of others. --- To close out, I'm not sure if any of you are familiar with, or have read the book "A Man's Search for Meaning"... if you haven't, you should. A few quotes from the book that relate to this message follow:
1. When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
2. Everything can be taken from a man, but one thing: the last of the human freedoms. To choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances. To choose one's own way.
3. Between unloving behavior or disrespectful behavior... in my response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
I hope you all can resonate with this story/message as much as it did with me. A lot of us are put in these horrible situations, and get the blame placed on us. It should not be our place to defend ourselves from this blame, but to respond genuinely, and use these opportunities to reveal who we really are as a person, and who we are striving to become...
I've read much of your story today. It is truly inspiring to me. Especially the part about detachment. I'm getting better at it, though it's difficult with a 3yr old we're trying to get into a new preschool. Yesterday was the first time since she left almost 4 weeks ago that I saw the woman I wanted to be with again. So many times we have spoken or been around each other that I ask myself who is this strange woman?
I'm feeling the changes in myself already. One lucky (I guess?) thing is that GAL for me IS part of the 180s. I was such a stay at home family man for so long, that I never really got out. She's very interested to know where I'm going, and I'm trying to be as vague as possible. I know the things I can improve on, and am working to make myself better every day for me and S.
Your story is very appropriate. I think that's how my WW viewed me, and when I step back and look at myself I don't like who I was either. Passive, not trying to make waves, feeling guilty about everything, trying to be super H. Not me. At all. I don't need to just get me back, I need to take the old me she loved and had a baby with and become even better! Confidence, happiness, contentment, going out, making friends, being forceful (not controlling but forceful), making decisions, taking initiative. That's Me + improvements. That's a man I think my wife would want to be with, and if she doesn't then that's on her.
Don't know if you've visited my thread, but if you could take a gander I'd appreciate it!
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
RSG - Thanks for stopping by, and I will definitely head over to your thread and provide some insight, for whatever its worth. As you know, a lot of our sitches are similar in that there are common denominators, but each sitch is also very much different, with different 'personalities' involved, so its up to each of us to make the decisions we make based on who we are, and where we came from and that path we are choosing for our futures. I just got back to work, so I got some catching up to do, but I'll certainly swing by a little later in the day.
