Moving on

[Painter]

SH, I also failed miserably at mind-reading. I don't know why I wasn't better at it, it must mean I was just the wrong person for WH, right?

I can relate to gift you're talking about. For me, it's in the relief over that I don't have to try to predict WH's moods, prevent blow-ups (which I couldn't, anyway), or try to guess what he wants. And that I don't get put down for things I feel are positive parts of me - volunteering, taking good care of my pets, and being involved in other people and having empathy. Not having to hide my strong sense of right and wrong. And I have to remind myself of this because with distance and time, I start forgetting about how that felt every day and only remember the good times.

[Painter]

So as usual when I don't have contact with WH, my anger starts to surface. I am so angry at him these days for what he has done. Not only to me, but to his entire family.

He lied to me, betrayed me and deceived me. He hurt me terribly with his thoughtless, selfish actions.

He enlisted his two children, who I took care of for 15 years, to lie to me to hide his secrets.

His daughter has had severe stress reactions over this, and struggles with the reality of what has happened. She just can't merge the father she used to be so close to, with the man who hurt me so bad. So she has to pretend it didn't really happen. The consequence is that her relationship with me is damaged, possibly beyond repair. She just can't take in what her father has done because she is so attached to him and so afraid of losing him. I guess that's what happens when parental love is conditional.

It has damaged his relationship with my son (who he adopted) beyond repair, and it has damaged the relationship between his daughter and my son (who were SO close) because my son supports me (which I actually don't think he would have if I had been the cheater) and is upset that his stepsister has seemingly turned against me after visiting with WH and OW.

WH said he only moved OW in so quickly because of her financial situation (unable to support herself). So his concern for her is obviously greater than his concern for me.

Selfish, narcisisstic teenagers. That's what they act like. Two 60-year olds who behave like they are 16. 'We're happy so everyone should be happy for us.' No regard for other people's feelings or any idea that not everyone would be thrilled for them.

I feel like telling him off and just say: 'F U and F OW and her money problems, how was that more important to you than the woman who raised your kids and took care of your mother for 15 years? If you were really so afraid of hurting me, how about *not* doing stuff that breaks my heart and fractures the family even more?'

He has such a victimized attitude. Every time I was upset about the A, he pointed to the problems we had in our M. He just could not see that those were two separate things. If I asked him directly, he would backpedal, but in his mind, the A was completely excused by the problems we had - and those problems were all caused by me, according to him. When I point out that it seems unfair to blame it all on me, he admits that he's sure there's things I was unhappy with, but he can only tell me what *he* experienced. So much for introspection!

I have noticed this victimized attitude in petty criminals. Many of them will feel that they had the right to steal because someone had slighted them. It's an attitude that completely robs you of power of your own destiny. My stepson has a lot of this, and I always told him that he could chose to be a victim and stew over life's unfairness and go nowhere, or he could take charge and create his own life on his own terms. He actually said to me once, 'I don't do anything, I just react to what others to do me.' Well, there's the problem right there... And I know where he has that idea from.

Ah. I think I feel a little better now.

[Painter]

Bad night. Feel asleep late, without meds, then woke an hour later from a dream about WH making love to OW. Toik a pill and slept another 3 hours and woke from another dream about WH having moved on to a young girl and I was in the house (which was the house I grew up in), talking to my stepkids and trying to figure out what was going on. Exhausted.

[J5K]

(((Painter)))

[JujuB]

Painter, I understand your anger and desire to rationalize and get husband to rationalize and listen to reason and sense.

But sometimes you just can't tell someone anything. They have every right to do what they feel is best for them whether it's right or not by our standards. Our lives get easier when we accept this and work within what we have control of.

[Sotto]

Hi Painter, I'm sorry you had a rough night. And I agree with Juju - he will do what he will do. And some choices that makes may be poor ones and that's on him.

Try not to believe stuff about OW and finances - who knows why she moved in - only that she did. And, like so many of our situations, the WAS's disregard for significant relationships and history is staggering. Any time my mind goes to that, it doesn't really help as it is the past - I try and stay in the present and future these days and it does help!

The main thing is to find ways to release the anger - expect nothing of him and don't release the anger at him - but do find ways to let it out. Anger is energy that needs to be expended, so any vigorous job will help - and hopefully you will feel calmer and with better sleep.

The important thing is to own your own anger and process it.

Take care Sweetie and hope you get a better sleep tonight xx

[Phoebe]

I wonder why you get more angry when you have less contact with WH?

It seems that you really want more contact with him, and I worry that is perhaps not the healthiest thing for you, Painter. Less contact means less opportunity to get mired down in all the minutia of his nonsense. He has done so much to hurt you, and continued contact allows him more opportunity to do so. He doesn't deserve that chance.

Either way, it's good that you vent your anger here, or put it to some good use elsewhere, rather than directing it at WH. Sharing it with him would be a waste of good energy.

I hope that you sleep better tonight, lovely Painter. Get outside tomorrow and enjoy the blue hour.

Thank you for sharing that term, by the way. I love it!

((((((Painter))))))

[Painter]

Phoebe, I think when I don't have contact with him, I'm not so under his spell, so all the bad things he has done comes to the surface without contradiction from his mixed messages. I noticed the same thing when I was living there and he was away on business trips. I would get angrier and angrier while he was gone, but it would all evaporate the moment he walked in through the door.

I can't explain what it is about him. An acupuncturist friend of mine said that he has incredibly strong chi - she had never treated anyone with that kind of life force before. I know that he hasn't been without a GF or wife since he was 14... and I'm wife #5, so although he's not what you consider traditionally handsome, he definitely knows how to attract and win over women. I wasn't attracted to him initially, but he won me over with persistence and charm, and I married him because I felt he was such a kind and generous person who appreciated me for who I am.

And I know I'm still hoping that he will suddenly change into the person he used to be, and say that it was all a huge mistake and of course we belong together. It's just a few months since we had a reconciliation where he behaved like the perfect partner - for about 48 hours.

I'm just having a really hard time accepting what's going on. I'm committed and tenacious, and at this point that trait may also be working against me.

I have mostly been working today, there's a lot to do for the organization I work from home for. I went to an interesting lunch meeting about getting into a corporate wellness program as a provider.

It was a good and productive day - until I was typing in an address and it was for a city that H regularly goes to for business. For some reason, it felt like someone sucked the air out of my lungs and I just started sobbing. It was such a trigger, and so unexpected.

I've recovered now, but it's not a good day and I hope to sleep well so I'm better tomorrow.

[Painter]

Sotto, thank you, I'm hoping for a good night's sleep for all of us!

I have a problem about just putting things behind me and focus on the future. Throughout the M, H would never discuss anything or deal with my reactions to his rages because 'it's over, let it go'. He would say this literally 2 minutes after he was done raging.

Anything I had an issue with - things that really needed to be discussed because they were unresolved, was 'let it go, you're beating a dead horse, why are we going over this again'. But nothing had been agreed on, decided or done. He's been saying that about the A, too. 'It's over, you're just going to bring this up forever, aren't you?' I would reply that it was 2 weeks since I found out he had cheated on me, so 'forever' might be an exaggeration.

So maybe I'm a little more unwilling to put things behind me than many others, because I've been told to do just that for years. I guess I'm still trying to get H to acknowledge that he has hurt me. It's only 3 weeks since I found out that he had moved OW in, and it was such a traumatic experience. I know it's probably not going to happen, though. I'm just working my way through it.

[Painter]

Painter, I understand your anger and desire to rationalize and get husband to rationalize and listen to reason and sense.

But sometimes you just can't tell someone anything. They have every right to do what they feel is best for them whether it's right or not by our standards. Our lives get easier when we accept this and work within what we have control of.

Wise words. Like I said to Sotto, I think I'm trying to get him to acknowledge that he has wronged me and hurt me. He has done it a few times, but in a very limited and indirect way. He did say recently that he has been the fool (I told him he had made a fool of me) for destroying relationships.