As a brief recap, in October last year, my W told me that she was unhappy and was considering S. It took me a few weeks but I eventually agreed that I needed to work on some issues. I started counseling and asked her to go with me. She all but refused. She came a couple of times but was completely withdrawn and closed off. At the end of December, I discovered that she was having an A with her triathlon coach that began in November. I kicked her out of the house. I THOUGHT we were working on things but in the middle of March, I discovered that the A had restarted towards the end of January. So I filed for D 3 months to the day after BD. I have been DB’ing this whole time and continue to do so today. I worked hard on detachment, 180's and GAL. Everything that I did was for ME and all the changes were genuine. They were NOT done to get my W back. They were done to make me a better person.
When I found the DB book, it immediately spoke to me. I fully committed myself to the process and decided that I would begin the LRT on December 30th. It was only a few hours later that I discovered the A through a voice recorder I had planted in her car.
After serving her with D papers, things began to change dramatically in our lives. OM confessed to his W 4 days later. Maybe because he thought I would expose the A (I did plan to). Over the following week, my W was in complete chaos. OM’s W actually met with my W and forgave her just 3 days after after her H came clean. OM’s W was instrumental in getting my W to start coming out of the fog. She told my W what she needed to do and slowly, the fog started to dissipate. I saw genuine remorse and regret for what she had done.
During April, we started reconnecting and talking about our issues. Hysterical bonding started and really still continues today. We started going on dates together and spent a LOT of time with each other. At the beginning of May, she started living out of our house again and we officially moved her back in towards the end of the month. Even though she had signed a 1 year lease on her house, it only took about 24 hours to find a new renter so that she could get out of the lease. Divorce process has been completely halted.
This has been a ROUGH 2 1/2 months since serving her D papers. We have been getting along really well. Probably more open and honest than we ever have been in our entire relationship. Tears have been shed by both of us on almost a daily basis. We've not shied away from talking about the painful things. We are both going to IC and MC. She has closed her FB account (the primary tool used to communicate with OM and she was living her entire life through FB and other people). Her entire social network and support system used to revolve around OM's group and the athletes that also trained there. She no longer trains with OM's group at his training facility (out of his house), she has gotten rid of all of all training gear with his teams colors and logos. She has a new female trainer but she's not even training to the degree that she used to train (2 - 3 hours per week instead of the 15 - 20 that she was doing). She's canceled most of the races she had scheduled this year and right now, the only thing on the table is the NYC marathon in November. When she does train, most of the time I am with her. I am NOT a triathlete but I can participate. We run a 5K race together every week. I got up at 4am and did a track workout with her and her new coach this morning. I've biked and swam with her. I've purchased her an expensive computerized bike trainer system to use in our home since she no longer has access to that kind of equipment that OM facilities has. I have an iPod Touch with all of her phone credentials so that I can see text messages and emails anytime I want.
On the surface, everything is going great. Better than could ever be expected. My W is remorseful and doing what is needed to repair the damage. But I am still damaged. The pain is still there. I wonder if I will ever be able to fully trust my W again. Will this pain ever go away? Can we ever get to a place where we are just living in the present and enjoying our lives together without the painful past hanging over our heads. Can I let go of the resentment and anger? I worry that I let my W back too easily. Should I have made her work harder? Should I have made her feel that she had lost me for good? Did I do enough to make her see the repercussions of her actions?
Last night, my W told me that she is blown away and amazed at the changes I've made in my life. She did see those changes while we were separated but refused to accept them. She honestly felt that I was incapable of change and that anything I was doing wasn't genuine or permanent. She now sees that I stood and fought for our M. She sees that I did that when she didn't deserve that from me. She told me that she thinks on some level, she needed to see that I would fight for her because she had given up on me. She thought I didn't love her anymore. It doesn't excuse her behavior and her decision to have an A, but I wasn't there for her. She was lonely. She wanted to feel love and appreciation. She wanted to feel valued. She didn't have that from me. I've realized that and recognize my role in the downfall of our R.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I always keep up with your thread and just wanted to say that it was so apparent from day 1 just how "spiritually" mature you are. It takes a very strong and humble person to be able to put aside their own sense of ego and pride to do what needs to be done to salvage a marriage in which there has been infidelity. Your children and your wife are truly lucky to have you as a family leader. I am just so amazed that there are people out there with your character and strength. You serve as a great example.
I don't think you should ever question your actions as it seems to have worked out as it was meant to. I am sorry that you are experiencing anger and resentment. How could you not and still be human? But you did make the conscious decision to forgive. That comes with risk as does everything though.
Curious - what ultimately drove you to file for D so quickly? do you think it helped "spur" W back into the marriage as a wake up call? I'm surprised how quickly you filed, everything I've read says wait 90 days (minimum) before making and drastic moves upon affair discovery.
I've thought of filing for D, but in all sincerity it is either so I can personally move on (which I'm not ready yet for) or as a means to let W know that I won't accept the A and hopefully wake her up. D goes against my faith though so I just can't see myself doing it.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Hey LiM, thanks for the update. I think your story, and your W's reactions are something that would be more common if people took the proper steps in DBing. Of course, while you detach, and stop tending to your W's every need, she's going to feel alone, abandoned, and like you don't care about her anymore. After all, why wouldn't the person who loves her so much, chase after her to the end of the world and back? That's how it works in the movies, right?
...right, and hollywood values do not exist in smalltown, usa. A lot of people confuse "fighting/standing for my M" with "I'll do anything to save my M", even if it means becoming a doormat for your WAS to stomp all over you to prove how much pain you'll endeavor to show your WAS how much they truly mean to you. It takes are real person, with real values and understanding, to understand what's happened, come up with a plan, put your foot down, and stick to that plan without changing it for emotional reasons, only tweaking it for logical reasoning.
I'm sorry you're now suffering from being 'unsure' in how quickly you accepted your W back into your life. From your posts (I don't know your W), but it seems like she is truly regretful of her actions, and she knows that you won't stand for such things in the future. I think you're fine, but a tight leash 'goes a long way' (it doesn't really), but the boundaries you've set, and need to set, become of grand importance in figuring out where this R is heading... to greener pastures? or to the same old routines that led her astray...
Hi LiM, I'm glad to hear you and your W have reached this stage. People always say that piecing is tough - particularly after infidelity.
I've read that info on the Dear Peggy website may be helpful and also, are you guys planning to go to MC together? I think it's critical to consider that as it's hard to be feeling all that you do and presumably similar for her. Those feelings need to be processed somehow.
It is early days, but it sounds as though she has done what you have asked and you have the assurances of transparency etc. All that is good.
Do keep posting and working through everything - you've come a long way already. I do think having a robust (non-scared) response to infidelity is no bad thing. Many posters are understandably fearful about losing the R and struggle to make a strong response - so well done to you.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I don't think you should ever question your actions as it seems to have worked out as it was meant to. I am sorry that you are experiencing anger and resentment. How could you not and still be human? But you did make the conscious decision to forgive. That comes with risk as does everything though. J.
There are so many things I could have done differently that, in the moment, would have made me feel better. It would have felt really good to scorch the earth with my anger. But I always knew that I wanted my M back. So I followed the process as best I could and, at least for me, it worked just like it is supposed to. Thank you for your kind support.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I don't think you should ever question your actions as it seems to have worked out as it was meant to. I am sorry that you are experiencing anger and resentment. How could you not and still be human? But you did make the conscious decision to forgive. That comes with risk as does everything though. J.
There are so many things I could have done differently that, in the moment, would have made me feel better. It would have felt really good to scorch the earth with my anger. But I always knew that I wanted my M back. So I followed the process as best I could and, at least for me, it worked just like it is supposed to. Thank you for your kind support.
That's how I'm trying to handle things. There's much anger/resentment/whatever to be let out if I allow it. But I'm working toward an ultimate goal of being a better person, and (secondary) with any luck, an awesome M to my W.
I've read up on most of your story and its great seeing positive results to DB. Just continue to work and be a better you.
Curious - what ultimately drove you to file for D so quickly? do you think it helped "spur" W back into the marriage as a wake up call? I'm surprised how quickly you filed, everything I've read says wait 90 days (minimum) before making and drastic moves upon affair discovery.
I didn't file right away. When I discovered the A with the voice recorder in December, I kicked her out of the house. Then, I THOUGHT we were both working on ourselves so that we could then work on our M. But in the middle of March, I found out (by accessing her FB account) that the A was very much still alive. It restarted towards the end up January.
For me, I was unwilling to stay in a M where that was going on. If that was the life she wanted for herself, then she could have it but she could also not have me so I was ready to move on with my life. I really so no future for us at that point so I was done. I see a lot of people, probably the majority, are willing to wait out the A. I wasn't. The A's almost always crash and burn but I wasn't willing to wait on that.
As it turns out, I think my filing for D was the catalyst that began to tear down the walls. OM probably knew that I would be telling his W about the A and so he decided to do it first. He essentially dumped my W by doing that because he was never going to leave his W. My W didn't immediately turn around and coming running back to me. She was initially still very much in the fog and holding on to her rebellion, resentment and anger. It took the words of OM's W to my W to get her to start seeing the lies she had been holding on to and that is what got her to start coming out of the fog. Even then, it was slow. On the first day we spoke after I served her papers (6 days later and 3 days after OM confessed to his W), my W actually asked me if I thought I'd be ok with her eventually going back over to his house to train as began starting the process of reconciling. And that answer was of course "NO!" After that, I knew that I would still be getting divorced. But it was after that, that OM and his W spoke with my W and that conversation is what allowed the fog to begin to clear. They essentially told her "Go back to your husband. Do whatever it takes." And she took those words to heart and began to do that. Only then did I begin to see the remorse.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Of course, while you detach, and stop tending to your W's every need, she's going to feel alone, abandoned, and like you don't care about her anymore. After all, why wouldn't the person who loves her so much, chase after her to the end of the world and back? That's how it works in the movies, right?
She's told me that she felt VERY alone during all of this. She was only with OM about 5 times between January and March. The rest of the time, she was very much alone sitting in her house all by herself. Usually drinking. She wondered why I wasn't pursuing her. She was angry that I wasn't. She was angry at my GAL and the 180's I was making. She was angry that I went to NY without her (originally planned as a bday trip for her). I didn't want to go to NY and I was miserable the whole time I was there by myself but I knew I had to go. I had to show her that I was moving on with my life without her.
Things would NOT have gone as well if I had not done the work I was supposed to be doing: Detach, 180 and GAL. For anyone reading this, it is imperative that you do these things. Do them for yourself. Do them to make YOU a better person. And be genuine in the changes you make.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I've read that info on the Dear Peggy website may be helpful and also, are you guys planning to go to MC together? I think it's critical to consider that as it's hard to be feeling all that you do and presumably similar for her. Those feelings need to be processed somehow.
It is early days, but it sounds as though she has done what you have asked and you have the assurances of transparency etc.
We are both going to IC and MC and I think we both will for the foreseeable future. I agree that its imperative that we do. The pain and anguish don't go away just because she's sorry for what she did. Its up to me to learn to overcome that and I know I need help with it.
She readily agreed to the transparency plan and she read a couple of book I gave her that were basically "How to help your spouse recover from your A." When I read those books, I felt that I could recover if she was willing to do those things. She knows I read her text messages and she has never given me grief about it. If there is anything that bothers me, I discuss it with her. She has on occasion continued to text with OM's W. I'm not really cool with that. I don't want them in our lives to any degree at all. The texts from OM's W are generally encouraging and forgiving although there are some that have been hurtful. My W told me yesterday that if OM's W contacted her again that she would reinforce that boundary that she should not be texting her. OM's W has some weird belief that we can "all heal together." I say No Thanks to that. I want nothing to do with them. I wish the best for them and in time, I may be able to find forgiveness for his role in all of this. But I never want anything to do with them.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
