Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo 2

[Painter]

Well, not every day can be productive! You've certainly done enough for a small army lately.

I got my hair cut at a local beauty school earlier in the week. It was free and I've had to re-trim my bangs a little... but for the most part it looked good. The advantage with hair is that it grows back out!

If you find yourself in a parking lot and bored, you can search for reflexology odana on the biggest social media platform out there. There's lots of interesting info about how it can help with stress and anxiety - and a very funny picture of Mona Lisa!

Have you given any more thought to your long road trip?

[Phoebe]

Well, I just realized that today is 6 months to the day since WH disappeared without a word. What a cowardly, disrespectful, cruel (fill in whatever adjective comes to mind) thing to do.

Anyway, Happy Damn Anniversary. Again. 6 months ago, tonight, I was shell-shocked when I realized H wasn't coming home (on the night before our real anniversary). I was shaking like a leaf, having constant palpitations, in a literal panic, and I didn't tell anyone until the following day. It was the worst night of my life and I was completely alone.

In hindsight, there was not one thing that I could have done to deserve that. I know so much more now that I did that night, about the secret life, the PA, the drugs, the massive web of deceit that had started at least 2 1/2 years earlier, but then I knew nothing. It brought me to my knees. Literally. I spent the next 3 months thinking he'd be back and blaming myself and searching for any explanation, then another month pondering his PA and how I could learn to forgive him, and then there came the day he told me he had nothing left to say to me, and I gave up most of my hope. Three weeks ago he let loose the coup de grace, initiating a D without a word.

My therapist says his behavior has been despicable. I'm inclined to agree.

Anyway, just an anniversary-induced recap to help me tap into a little bit of the ol' anger thing that my T says I need to access more often. Sometimes it feels like it was just a few days ago that H abdicated, and then other times it feels like it's been forever. Some days felt like weeks. I wasn't sure how I was even going to survive the first week, and on day 6, which happened to be Christmas Eve, I ended up in Urgent Care, just asking for any kind of help because I was struggling so much.

For a long time, I just focused on making it through an hour, or on finishing some project that would keep me distracted from the pain for a little while.

Now I'm better. Most days are OK and some are genuinely good. Once a week or so I ride the roller coaster back down for a while, but I know that things will improve. I ride the good coaster days for all they're worth.

H is gone, and I am left to go on with my life. I've started to be able to imagine inklings of what that might look like, or what it might include.

Today I've been thinking about what kind of person I'd consider sharing that life with. It won't be for a long time, but at least I can now think about what I might look for in another partner for a little while without feeling nauseous. That's progress.

I read an article in the New York Times about professional cuddlers today. It reminded me that I have barely been touched by anyone in over 6 months, beyond quick hugs. It's just not enough, and I am feeling the loss more every day. I really could use a long, tight, non-awkward hug. I wish my therapist hugged me like my grief counselor does, but he just shakes my hand when I leave.

So few people are willing (or able?) to give real hugs, but I did get a nice one from my lawn care guy again this week. Is it sad that I accept every hug that I'm offered and wish for more of the good ones?

So, I guess I should hit the hay. Time to make my big commute. Good night and sweet or no dreams, depending on your preference!

[Phoebe]

Unfortunately, the road trip is way up in the air, given the legal mess at the moment.

I need to figure out where it's all going and on what kind of schedule. Also, our accounts are now under a legal financial order of protection. No unusual expenses allowed, and I don't know where travel falls with regards to that order. I have to talk to my out of state lawyer about it, as it's a rule in that state, but not in mine.

[Phoebe]

Well, I just lost my whole post again. Bummerific!

I was just saying in a lot more words that my efforts to tap into my anger fell flat again. I guess I'm just not cut out to be an angry person, and I don't want to be one, anyway. If I miss out on some mobilization because I can't tap my white anger for any sustained period of time, then so be it.

Maybe it's because there's been complete NC for weeks now? I know I got angry with H last time I saw him, so maybe that's the real reason? Who knows.

Yesterday's journal post: (for some reason I couldn't log on the the site all day yesterday.)

It's been a good, though quiet, day. I made a cake for my dad for Fathers Day and had dinner with my parents to celebrate. I did a little bit of maintenance on my tractor, just checking oil and hydraulic fluids, coolant, cleaning radiator and a/c screen, etc. so that I can use it without worry again. Basically a pre-flight check.

My neighbor came over while I was hanging outside in my glider, and so we sat out and talked for a while. I've been sleeping pretty well, finally!!!

Today: I'm feeling pretty darn good today. I just saw my therapist and I didn't even come close to crying! Yeah.

It's a really hot day, so I may not do any walking with my neighbor. I already decided to skip my usual post-therapy hike. It's the kind of day when it's good to lay low indoors with air conditioning.

[Painter]

Phoebe, it sounds like you are looking forward in glimpses and having some good days! Better sleep is a big part of that, I feel.

I couldn't get in here yesterday, either, so it must have been a site issue.

I can relate to your inability to hold on to anger. I have about 2 days of anger in me before it deflates like a balloon and I'm back in the why?? how could he?? how can this be happening?? sad, confused and tearful mode. I'm not a delicate little flower and can be firm and decisive about stuff, but H has some kind of hold on a soft spot in me.

And I have experienced the same nausea when I think about dating! I have a couple of friends who have been pushing me and I try to tell them it's not the way to move forward - at least not for me. One of them was particularly insistent a couple of days ago, and she was widowed at a young age so I finally asked her how she would have felt if someone had told her to 'move on and start dating' 3 weeks after her H's death (not in such direct words but she got what I meant). She said she was mostly angry at WH for making me hurt so much and wanted it to stop, so I told her to go key their cars instead... She lives right up the road from us (H and OW now).

It's good that you have your parents there. Support from family is so very helpful. It's also helpful that it is summer and nature is so beautiful right now! I walk the dog several times a day and always enjoy the gardens and little animals we encounter. The smell of cut grass and the sound of the blackbird at dusk is so soothing for the soul. They don't sing where I lived with H, but they did in the spring and early summer in my home country, so I love my evening walk to get to listen to them - it takes me back home.

[Phoebe]

Ok, so I feel like I've come to depend on this site for support and I haven't been able to log in since my last post. Yikes!!! Withdrawal symptoms.

I was just checking to see if I could look at the site today. No time to either read or really post, but I'm happy to be back!

Hello to everyone and I hope you are all doing OK.

Where is SH?????

[SH_]

I'm still here.
The site has been having many issues since Sunday it seems as in my attempts to get on over the past several days have been unsuccessful.

You sound to be doing well and this brings me joy. You really are making good progress.

I am still in a funky mood of late. I am staying busy. Focused on my little girls, work, the day to day stuff.
I feel to be cheerful, but have the hollow feeling and it has and edge of anger that seems to boil up on occasion when a conversation about or a thought about WAW comes up. Also I have heard no word about the D that was supposedly filed on April 29th. I guess I should call my L, but just have not felt the need to disrupt my day to day happiness.

But I am still here, just more observing than engaging. Many LBS struggling to take Db advice, and so many new ones showing up. And many others disappearing in what seems a state of despair. Sad to observe, and I feel helpless with some advice, because I feel like I am stuck in a rut. Not feeling depressed nor anxious, but not feeling much hope or dreams for the future.
Almost just simply existing right now.

Anyway, did not mean to get off on a tangent, I simply wanted to let you know I am still here, still looking out for you and still sharing cyberspace hugs with you.

(((phoebe)))

[Phoebe]

So it's been a tough day and a half for me. It started last night when I was getting ready to do my final grief recovery homework assignment. I started looking around my house and came across H's pathetic little stash of Christmas gifts for me. They were just 3 tiny things that he picked up in an airport. It shouldn't have surprised me at all, as he had totally checked out already, but the lack of any effort or real thought on his part made me angry.

After that, I struggled to do my homework and found it to be really difficult. It was a letter of undelivered communications to H, including apologies, things I forgive him for, and significant emotional statements (like thank yous and the opposite). H will never get this letter, in fact it will never be shared with anyone except my witness.

My counselor (and my workbook) talked to me last week about forgiveness being an action, not a feeling. Too often people conflate forgiving with condoning. Forgiving means no longer allowing my memories to cause me anger or pain because that is what I need to do for myself. It does not mean that I hold H blameless or sanction anything he has done. Nothing he has done is OK, but as long as I let it continue to hurt me I can never be free.

Basically the letter is for me to share my undelivered communications to an invisible H, and ended with me stating that I need to let go of the memories so that they can no longer hurt me. The letter ends with "I need to go now and let go of the pain. Goodbye H."

I finished writing it after 1 am and then I slept really poorly - lots and lots of different dreams about H, so I was tired when I woke up. The last thing I had to do was read my letter aloud with my counselor as a witness at today's visit, and that was also difficult. Yes, I cried. But then I also got a very long hug and calmed down and felt better.

Forgiveness is letting go of the past for myself. It's an action. It's a plan for my future. It's something that I need to work toward every single day. It doesn't just happen because I said the words. That's just not realistic. What's important is that I understand and agree that it is not about H at all and never will be. He will never hear that I have forgiven anything. It's about me and how I choose to go forward and live my life. Forgiveness is a gift I give myself.

That was my final official grief counseling session. From here on out, my task is to go through the same process with any other relationships in my life which remain incomplete. The hallmark of an incomplete relationship is that thinking about it still brings pain or discomfort, no matter how many years have passed. I have quite a few of them. Then I write letters and read them aloud with my witness. I didn't have done miracle cure for my grief with this plan. It is a tool that I learned and one that I can apply to any other relationships in my life. It's a new way of thinking about my past and the pain that lies buried there.


With the rest of my day I went shopping, my first semi-retail therapy since this whole mess began. Really it's just stuff I delayed buying over the last few months because I didn't want to look like a financial burden to H. Now that R is pretty much off the table, I just said f*ck it. I've put off these things and it's time to get them now. I got my eyes examined and bought my first new glasses in a few years. Then I went to a wholesale club and got myself resupplied with all the glamorous basics like paper towels, detergent, TP, dish detergent, toothpaste, etc. that I haven't stocked up on since walk-away.

Lamest retail therapy, ever, right? I'm too pragmatic to blow money on foolish stuff, but it felt good to get the basics covered for a while. I also bought new trail runners yesterday because I've worn the tread off my current pair, and I still need to replace my daily wearer shoes. It seems like a lot all at once, but if I had bought it as I went along I'd still be a pretty cheap spouse.

Anyway, I'm hoping for a better and dreamless sleep tonight.

Tomorrow's plans: ice skating, then my 6 month dental cleaning. My last visit was while H was missing those first 6 days. I kept it to myself but they guessed something was wrong and got a bit out of my mother at her appointment.. They're going to freak out at the wright loss. Sigh. Tomorrow evening is my weekly social evening/ Weight Watchers meeting with my Mom. Friday I walk my property lines with a hunter who I allow to use my land, and then I'm meeting my L friend for s bike ride and probably dinner. Saturday is a pool party! Crazy, silly busy week.

I hope that all my friends here are doing well. I hope for a dreamless sleep tonight and wish the same for everyone here.

[Painter]

That's a lot of emotional work, Phoebe. I hope you are so tired that you'll sleep heavily.

The process you're going through sounds very interesting. And demanding. I am also addressing many old relationships in the ACA process - at least that's my intention - to look at patterns.

Retail therapy is nice even if it's nothing special, I got some very mundane stuff today and it still cheered me up - environmentally friendly bathroom cleaner and a jute sponge... and a new dog food - very exciting!

Don't worry about what the dentist thinks - it's none of their business, is it?

[Phoebe]

The grief recovery counseling really was/is emotionally demanding, but I feel like I learned a lot and it was absolutely worthwhile to me. I'd recommend it to anyone.

Today was a really good day. Ice skating was fun and I'm remembering my muscle memory a little more each time. I'm back to being able to cross over, as long as I do it carefully. I haven't fallen since my first day. Hopefully I'll be back soon to the point where crossing over is nothing and I can do it equally well while skating forward or backward. For now I'm just going really slowly. My friend showed up partway through, so I had a good time talking to her, both while skating and then for a while afterward.

My dentist is wonderful, so the visit was good. He already knew what happened with H and he gave me a pep talk filled with all kinds of kindness, told me how glad he was to know me and even said he loved me and admired me. I think perhaps I am a bit like a daughter to him, as he has three girls. He takes care of my whole family and I've been going to him for at least 15 years. We've shared building stories over the years, and I advise him in his dog. It's really nice to know that so many people really do care about me.

After all the nice words and encouragement, he stopped, looked me in the eyes, and told me I needed to start eating because I am as skinny as a rail. : )

I knew that was coming!!! I'm used to looking at myself at this weight now, but he hasn't seen me in 6 months, so I could tell he was taken aback.

I have completely embraced my weight loss now. I'm mostly stable, and it is really fun to go to thrift stores these days. Tonight was my WW meeting and social with my Mom and we hit the Salvation Army where I found a bunch of great things today. I was thrilled. So many times I come out of there with nothing. I got three pair of Gap jeans that fit wonderfully and are in awesome shape for 3 bucks each (1/2 price tag)! I got a few shirts, some shorts, and a denim jacket and Amercan Eagle zippered hoodie that were also 1/2 price, AND I had a coupon to save $7 if I spent $25. Between my mom and I, we used two coupons. It was super fun and I'm all excited to have gotten so much for so little. I'm a huge fan of cheapie thrift shopping.

I really enjoy my Thursdays with my Mom. I think it's good for both of us and it's been our weekly thing for nearly 3 years now.

So a good day, and as I told my therapist on Monday, I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. Other people are noticing it, too. My dentist said that I am blossoming, which was sweet, but I keep hearing from people that I seem a lot better to them. I am.

The roller coaster is always rolling, and I know there will be more tough days ahead, but I in a healing and happy stretch of the ride right now.

I hope that everyone has had a healing day, too.